18 the oldest person in the world

'we return in triumph, charlie!' cried mr wonka as the greatglass elevator began to slow down. 'once more your dearfamily will all be together again!'

the elevator stopped. the doors slid open. and there was thechocolate room and the chocolate river and theoompa-loompas and in the middle of it all the great bedbelonging to the old grandparents. 'charlie!' said grandpa joe,rushing forward. 'thank heavens you're back!' charlie huggedhim. then he hugged his mother and his father. 'is she here?'

he said. 'grandma georgina?'

nobody answered. nobody did anything except grandpa joe,who pointed to the bed. he pointed but he didn't look wherehe was pointing. none of them looked at the bed — exceptcharlie. he walked past them all to get a better view, and hesaw at one end the two babies, grandma josephine andgrandpa george, both tucked in and sleeping peacefully. at theother end …

'don't be alarmed,' said mr wonka, running up and placing ahand on charlie's arm. 'she's bound to be just a teeny bitover-plussed. i warned you about that.'

'what have you done to her?' cried mrs bucket. 'my poor oldmother!'

propped up against the pillows at the other end of the bedwas the most extraordinary-looking thing charlie had ever seen!

was it some ancient fossil? it couldn't be that because it wasmoving slightly! and now it was making sounds! croakingsounds — the kind of sounds a very old frog might make if itknew a few words. 'well, well, well,' it croaked. 'if it isn't dearcharlie.'

'grandma!' cried charlie. 'grandma georgina! oh … oh … oh!'

her tiny face was like a pickled walnut. there were suchmasses of creases and wrinkles that the mouth and eyes andeven the nose were sunken almost out of sight. her hair waspure white and her hands, which were resting on top of theblanket, were just little lumps of wrinkly skin.

the presence of this ancient creature seemed to have terrifiednot only mr and mrs bucket, but grandpa joe as well. theystood well back, away from the bed. mr wonka, on the otherhand, was as happy as ever. 'my dear lady!' he cried,advancing to the edge of the bed and clasping one of thosetiny wrinkled hands in both of his. 'welcome home! and howare you feeling on this bright and glorious day?'

'not too bad,' croaked grandma georgina. 'not too bad at all… considering my age.'

'good for you!' said mr wonka. 'atta girl! all we've got to donow is find out exactly how old you are! then we shall beable to take further action!'

'you're taking no further action around here,' said mrs bucket,tight-lipped. 'you've done enough damage already!'

'but my dear old muddleheaded mugwump,' said mr wonka,turning to mrs bucket. 'what does it matter that the old girlhas become a trifle too old? we can put that right in a jiffy!

have you forgotten wonka-vite and how every tablet makesyou twenty years younger? we shall bring her back! we shalltransform her into a blossoming blushing maiden in the twinkof an eye!'

'what good is that when her husband's not even out of hisnappies yet?' wailed mrs bucket, pointing a finger at theone-year-old grandpa george, so peacefully sleeping.

'madam,' said mr wonka, 'let us do one thing at a time …'

'i forbid you to give her that beastly wonka-vite!' said mrsbucket. 'you'll turn her into a minus again just as sure as i'mstanding here!'

'i don't want to be a minus!' croaked grandma georgina. 'if iever have to go back to that beastly minusland again, thegnoolies will knickle me!'

'fear not!' said mr wonka. 'this time i myself will supervisethe giving of the medicine. i shall personally see to it that youget the correct dosage. but listen very carefully now! i cannotwork out how many pills to give you until i know exactly howold you are! that's obvious, isn't it?'

'it is not obvious at all,' said mrs bucket. 'why can't you giveher one pill at a time and play it safe?'

'impossible, madam. in very serious cases such as this one,wonka-vite doesn't work at all when given in small doses.

you've got to throw everything at her in one go. you've got tohit her with it hard. a single pill wouldn't even begin to shifther. she's too far gone for that. it's all or nothing.'

'no,' said mrs bucket firmly.

'yes,' said mr wonka. 'dear lady, please listen to me. if youhave a very severe headache and you need three aspirins tocure it, it's no good taking only one at a time and waiting fourhours between each. you'll never cure yourself that way. you'vegot to gulp them all down in one go. it's the same withwonka-vite. may i proceed?'

'oh, all right, i suppose you'll have to,' said mrs bucket.

'good,' said mr wonka, giving a little jump and twirling hisfeet in the air. 'now then, how old are you, my dear grandmageorgina?'

'i don't know,' she croaked. 'i lost count of that years andyears ago.'

'don't you have any idea?' said mr wonka.

'of course i don't,' gibbered the old woman. 'nor would you ifyou were as old as i am.'

'think!' said mr wonka. 'you've got to think!'

the tiny old wrinkled brown walnut face wrinkled itself upmore than ever. the others stood waiting. theoompa-loompas, enthralled by the sight of this ancient object,were all edging closer and closer to the bed. the two babiesslept on.

'are you, for example, a hundred?' said mr wonka. 'or ahundred and ten? or a hundred and twenty?'

'it's no good,' she croaked. 'i never did have a head fornumbers.'

'this is a catastrophe!' cried mr wonka. 'if you can't tell mehow old you are, i can't help you! i dare not risk anoverdose!'

gloom settled upon the entire company, including for once mrwonka himself. 'you've messed it up good and proper thistime, haven't you?' said mrs bucket.

'grandma,' charlie said, moving forward to the bed. 'listen,grandma. don't worry about exactly how old you might be.

try to think of a happening instead … think of something thathappened to you … anything you like … as far back as youcan … it may help us …'

'lots of things happened to me, charlie … so many manythings happened to me …'

'but can you remember any of them, grandma?'

'oh, i don't know, my darling … i suppose i could rememberone or two if i thought hard enough …'

'good, grandma, good!' said charlie eagerly. 'now what is thevery earliest thing you can remember in your whole life?'

'oh, my dear boy, that really would be going back a fewyears, wouldn't it?'

'when you were little, grandma, like me. can't you rememberanything you did when you were little?'

the tiny sunken black eyes glimmered faintly and a sort ofsmile touched the corners of the almost invisible little slit of amouth. 'there was a ship,' she said. 'i can remember a ship… i couldn't ever forget that ship …'

'go on, grandma! a ship! what sort of a ship? did you sailon her?' 'of course i sailed on her, my darling … we all sailedon her …' 'where from? where to?' charlie went on eagerly.

'oh no, i couldn't tell you that … i was just a tiny little girl …'

she lay back on the pillow and closed her eyes. charliewatched her, waiting for something more. everybody waited. noone moved.

'… it had a lovely name, that ship … there was somethingbeautiful … something so beautiful about that name … but ofcourse i couldn't possibly remember it …'

charlie, who had been sitting on the edge of the bed, suddenlyjumped up. his face was shining with excitement. 'if i said thename, grandma, would you remember it then?'

'i might, charlie … yes … i think i might …' 'themayflower!' cried charlie.

the old woman's head jerked up off the pillow. 'that's it!' shecroaked. 'you've got it, charlie! the mayflower … such a lovelyname …'

'grandpa!' charlie called out, dancing with excitement. 'whatyear did the mayflower sail for america?'

'the mayflower sailed out of plymouth harbour on septemberthe sixth, sixteen hundred and twenty,' said grandpa joe.

'plymouth …' croaked the old woman. 'that rings a bell, too …yes, it might easily have been plymouth …'

'sixteen hundred and twenty!' cried charlie. 'oh, my heavensabove! that means you're … you do it, grandpa!'

'well now,' said grandpa joe. 'take sixteen hundred andtwenty away from nineteen hundred and seventy-two … thatleaves … don't rush me now, charlie … that leaves threehundred … and … and fifty-two.'

'jumping jackrabbits!' yelled mr bucket. 'she's three hundredand fifty-two years old!'

'she's more,' said charlie. 'how old did you say you were,grandma, when you sailed on the mayflower? were you abouteight?'

'i think i was even younger than that, my darling … i wasonly a bitty little girl … probably no more than six …'

'then she's three hundred and fifty-eight!' gasped charlie.

'that's vita-wonk for you,' said mr wonka proudly. 'i told youit was powerful stuff

'three hundred and fifty-eight!' said mr bucket. 'it'sunbelievable!'

'just imagine the things she must have seen in her lifetime!'

said grandpa joe.

'my poor old mother!' wailed mrs bucket. 'what on earth …'

'patience, dear lady,' said mr wonka. 'now comes theinteresting part. bring on the wonka-vite!'

an oompa-loompa ran forward with a large bottle and gave itto mr wonka. he put it on the bed. 'how young does shewant to be?' he asked.

'seventy-eight,' said mrs bucket firmly. 'exactly where she wasbefore all this nonsense started!'

'surely she'd like to be a bit younger than that?' said mrwonka. 'certainly not!' said mrs bucket. 'it's too risky!'

'too risky, too risky!' croaked grandma georgina. 'you'll onlyminus me again if you try to be clever!'

'have it your own way,' said mr wonka. 'now then, i've gotto do a few sums.' another oompa-loompa trotted forward,holding up a blackboard. mr wonka took a piece of chalkfrom his pocket and wrote:

'fourteen pills of wonka-vite exactly,' said mr wonka. theoompa-loompa took the blackboard away. mr wonka pickedup the bottle from the bed and opened it and counted outfourteen of the little brilliant yellow pills. 'water!' he said. yetanother oompa-loompa ran forward with a glass of water. mrwonka tipped all fourteen pills into the glass. the waterbubbled and frothed. 'drink it while it's fizzing,' he said, holdingthe glass up to grandma georgina's lips. 'all in one gulp!'

she drank it.

mr wonka sprang back and took a large brass clock from hispocket. 'don't forget,' he cried, 'it's a year a second! she's gottwo hundred and eighty years to lose! that'll take her fourminutes and forty seconds! watch the centuries fall away!'

the room was so silent they could hear the ticking of mrwonka's clock. at first nothing much happened to the ancientperson lying on the bed. she closed her eyes and lay back.

now and again, the puckered skin of her face gave a twitchand her little hands jerked up and down, but that was all …'one minute gone!' called mr wonka. 'she's sixty yearsyounger.' 'she looks just the same to me,' said mr bucket.

'of course she does,' said mr wonka. 'what's a mere sixtyyears when you're over three hundred to start with!'

'are you all right, mother?' said mrs bucket anxiously. 'talk tome, mother!'

'two minutes gone!' called mr wonka. 'she's one hundred andtwenty years younger!'

and now definite changes were beginning to show in the oldwoman's face. the skin was quivering all over and some of thedeepest wrinkles were becoming less and less deep, the mouthless sunken, the nose more prominent.

'mother!' cried mrs bucket. 'are you all right? speak to me,mother, please!'

suddenly, with a suddenness that made everyone jump, the oldwoman sat bolt upright in bed and shouted, 'did you hear thenews! admiral nelson has beaten the french at trafalgar!'

'she's going crazy!' said mr bucket.

'not at all,' said mr wonka. 'she's going through thenineteenth century.'

'three minutes gone!' said mr wonka.

every second now she was growing slightly less and lessshrivelled, becoming more and more lively. it was a marvellousthing to watch.

'gettysburg!' she cried. 'general lee is on the run!'

and a few seconds later she let out a great wail of anguishand said, 'he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!'

'who's dead?' said mr bucket, craning forward.

'lincoln!' she wailed. 'there goes the train …'

'she must have seen it!' said charlie. 'she must have beenthere!'

'she is there,' said mr wonka. 'at least she was a few secondsago.'

'will someone please explain to me,' said mrs bucket, 'what onearth …'

'four minutes gone!' said mr wonka. 'only forty seconds left!

only forty more years to lose!'

'grandma!' cried charlie, running forward. 'you're lookingalmost exactly like you used to! oh, i'm so glad!'

'just as long as it all stops when it's meant to,' said mrsbucket. 'i'll bet it doesn't,' said mr bucket. 'something alwaysgoes wrong.'

'not when i'm in charge of it, sir,' said mr wonka. 'time's up!

she is now seventy-eight years old! how do you feel, dearlady? is everything all right?'

'i feel tolerable,' she said. 'just tolerable. but that's no thanksto you, you meddling old mackerel!'

there she was again, the same cantankerous grumbling oldgrandma georgina that charlie had known so well before it allstarted. mrs bucket flung her arms around her and beganweeping with joy. the old woman pushed her aside and said,'what, may i ask, are those two silly babies doing at the otherend of the bed?'

'one of them's your husband,' said mr bucket.

'rubbish!' she said. 'where is george?'

'i'm afraid it's true, mother,' said mrs bucket. 'that's him onthe left. the other one's josephine …'

'you … you chiselling old cheeseburger!' she shouted, pointing afierce finger at mr wonka. 'what in the name of …'

'now now now now now!' said mr wonka. 'let us not formercy's sake have another row so late in the day. if everyonewill keep their hair on and leave this to charlie and me, weshall have them exactly where they used to be in the flick of afly's wing!'