“oh, would i were dead now,
or up in my bed now.
to cover my head now
and have a good cry!”
trafalgar house, if you please. time, about eight o’clock. dramatis personæ some fifteen brilliantly-dressed ladies, and as many gentlemen in regulation evening attire.
a great long table, magnificently set, and ablaze with tiny electric lamps cunningly hidden among foliage and splendid flowers. at one end mrs. fitzroy-browne in rich black satin, a truly astonishing cap, and twice as many glittering rings as she had fingers.
mrs. fitzroy-browne, with a large fixed smile that only her fork or spoon ever disturbed—mrs. fitzroy-browne, with one anxious eye on the waiting servants, one half frightened on her son 195and daughters, and only the large smile for the guests.
at the head mr. fitzroy-browne, a small, neat man, with little eyes and a half-apologetic, half-assertive manner, as if he were begging your pardon for the great wealth that made you mere nobodies, and at the same time hugging himself mightily.
at intervals down the sides the misses fitzroy-browne, in decolleté dresses of latest style.
sandwiched with them and other females with large bare arms and rough, fashionably-coiffeured hair, net-covered, men of various sorts and conditions,—self-made men like their host, who came 196to approve the show money could make; a few of better position, who enjoyed the wines and good dinner and despised the vulgarity of the givers; a good-looking adventurer or two of higher society, remittance men, who, having almost outrun the constable, as a last resource came heiress-hunting.
in the middle of one side mr. adolphus fitzroy-browne, with a large expanse of white shirt front, a pink-edged tie, great diamond studs, and a red silk sash tied at one side instead of a waistcoat.
and away down near one end, a stout american hebrew, dinner intent, on one side, a young man of the puppy order on the other, sat nellie,—nellie, looking like a little lonely field flower sprung up in a bed of gaudy dahlias,—nellie, in a white, simple dress of home make, high-necked, long-sleeved, with the dying pink roses at her breast, and a silver “wish” bangle that cost half-a-crown for her only jewellery.
poor little nell! never perhaps in all her fifteen years had she been so immeasurably miserable and uncomfortable.
in the drawing-room the women had stared her up and down in scorn, and rustled about in voluminous silken and velvet skirts; the thought of her own plain, high-necked dress made her cheeks burn. the misses browne had been too busy with 197entertaining to do more than give her a nod and a word or two as they introduced several of the men to her.
“daughter of captain john woolcot,” she overheard one of them whisper once,—“poor, but of very good family, related to a title; great friend of dear isabel’s; pretty little thing, yes; quite a charity to show her some life.”
nellie had blushed hotly, and shrunk back into a corner. oh, if only there had been a door near and she could have slipped out and flown through the night back to dear, despised misrule. if only the floor would open and mercifully swallow her out of sight! if only there was a window near, through which she could make her exit from trafalgar house for ever! but alas! the drawing-room was upstairs here, and there were no convenient tanks and thickly-wooded creepers such as had made her descent from her own bedroom almost easy. there was a little patch of green on her skirt, and a pin held together a ripped flounce, but, certainly, no one in that gay assemblage suspected her of leaving her own home by any more unusual mode of exit than the front door. it was even worse when a move was made towards the dining-room, and she was assigned to a youth in a chokingly high collar, a youth who said ya-as and haw, and left out his r’s 198and g’s because he had been told it was “as done in london.”
she was in a hot state of nervous distress even when no one was speaking to her; it was increased tenfold when she found this man evidently expected her to talk and be talked to all the time.
he asked her whose dancing she liked best, sylvia grey’s or marion hood’s.
“i—i don’t know either of them,” she answered, wondering distressfully if she ought to use her silver knife and fork or an ordinary fork only for the pâté-de-something that the footman had just given her.
“haw,” said the youth, “at the theatre,—don’t-cher-know,—haw—haw, very good.”
nellie’s cheeks burned. he looked at her with impertinent admiration.
“like to see a garl blush myself, don’t-cher-know,” he drawled, “shows they’re young. lord! what wouldn’t the old ones give to do it—our friend miss isabel, for instance?”
nell’s pink deepened to scarlet under the cool audacity of his stare. this was the first experience of the kind she had had in her life; all the men she had hitherto met on equal terms had been gentlemen unmistakably.
but she did not speak; her long eyelashes lay 199almost tremblingly on her cheek, and she took a mouthful or two of the pâté; she had decided to use the fork, and then crimsoned afresh to see most of the others employing knife as well. the pastry broke up into little flaky pieces; in vain her one implement chased them round her plate, she could only get a crumb to stay on the prongs each time.
“haw—what lovely long lashes you’ve got, miss—haw—woolcot, wasn’t it? i suppose that’s why you keep persistin’ in lookin’ down, isn’t it now?” said the voice at her elbow.
she looked up in desperation, her cheeks aflame again.
“haw, that’s better,” he said; “now i can see your eyes. i couldn’t when you kept them so cruelly hidden, don’t cher see.”
then the hebrew neighbour claimed her attention.
“grand finisht dot vash at randwick, sat’day,” he said. the servants were bringing him fresh supplies, so he could spare time for a minute to speak to the pretty little girl beside him.
“yes,” assented nellie in a hurry. she had not caught what he said, but thought it would be easier to assent than tell him so.
“and vich horse vos it you vos backing?” he pursued.
then she had to explain she had not heard what 200he said; and afterwards, that she had never been to the races in her life.
the hebrew had no other conversation at command just then, so he returned to his fresh plateful, and left her to her other neighbours, who smiled openly, but made no movement to help her when a servant brought champagne, and she was perplexed to know whether she ought to offer one of the many glasses beside her or remain passive. she had never thought it possible for a meal to last the interminably long time this one did.
the others seemed to be enjoying themselves exceedingly. there was loud talking and laughing on both sides, wine was flowing freely, and there was an exhaustless supply of good things to eat.
nellie wondered miserably if meg had found her out, as she dipped her finger tips into the venetian glass finger bowl. there was a tiny william alan richardson rosebud floating there; meg had had a cluster stuck in her waistband when she had been entreating her to give up this dinner. dear, dear meg! and to think she had vexed and worried and grieved her like this, just for the sake of these horrible people and their thrice horrible dinner-party!
her eyes ached with tears, there was a lump in her throat, a tightness at her heart; the young man 201at her elbow was talking, but she neither heard his words nor turned her head. then he laughed out, and the hebrew gentleman touched her arm. all the ladies had risen and were on their way to the door; she only was sitting still, her gloves yet off, her young, unhappy face downcast. a wave of colour rushed into her cheeks, and as she jumped up hurriedly, every one was looking at her, half amusedly, half admiringly. isabel at the door waited for her, a little vexed.
“what were you dreaming of?” she said. “why, you haven’t even got your gloves on.”
“dear miss isabel,” nellie said, entreaty almost tearful in her voice, “do let me go home now. indeed i must,—oh do, do, do!”
but “what nonsense, child!” isabel answered, and bore her along with the others into the brilliantly lighted drawing-room.
here it was not quite so bad. nell saw a chair half hidden behind a window-curtain, and felt she had indeed come into a haven of peace when she gained it. no one disturbed her for a time; some of the girls yawned openly, and kept their speech for the arrival of the gentlemen; one or two frankly closed their eyes to show the small appreciation they had for their own sex; the others discussed the men, their moustaches, money, eyes, figures, in a 202way that made the one violet in the room want to shrivel up or turn rosy for the shame of her girlhood.
they all ignored mamma browne, who had a spacious velvet sofa all to herself; she would have liked to knit or do something with her fingers, but the girls had told her it wasn’t “good form,” so she only twisted them in and out of each other, and wondered if the people would go at eleven or twelve, and whether they had noticed that only three servants waited instead of the five they always had for the parties.
then she noticed the little lonely figure in white by the great window. there was a droop about the little sweet mouth and a misty look in the sweet eyes that quite touched her kind old heart. she got up and waddled slowly across the floor. “come and sit on the sofy with me, dearie,” she said; and all nellie’s heart went out to her.
the sofa was in a deep window at the end of the room, quite away from the loud-voiced, finely-dressed girls who so overpowered her.
“oh, do let me stay with you all the time, please!” she said, as she nestled down close to the motherly, capacious-looking old lady. “oh, it is much nicer here—may i?”
“why, of course,” said mrs. browne; “why, i’ll 203be glad to ’ave you; you ain’t been enjoyin’ yourself, i’m thinkin’?”
“oh,” said nellie, who was a polite little soul, even in distress, “oh, it has been very nice, i’m sure, only i don’t go to dinner parties yet, and so i am a little shy, i suppose.”
“well, i ain’t enjoyed it,” said mrs. browne, with a sigh; “they worrit my life out, these parties, and unsettle the servints, and make all the house rumpled up, and then no one says thank you or likes you a bit better for it all.”
she felt she might ease her poor old heart a little to this young girl, whose dress was not fine enough to make her haughty, and whose face was sweetly sympathetic.
“oh, i’m sure every one has enjoyed it very much, and thinks it is very kind of you to give such a nice party,” nellie said, touched by the tired quaver in the speaker’s voice.
“me!” the old lady replied, with a touch of bitterness. “i’m only their mother, i don’t give it, bless your soul!—all the good mothers is nowadays, is to mind the servints and take blame when things go wrong. me! all i ’ave to do is to order dinner and stay up till every one’s gone.”
she rocked herself to and fro unhappily; her state of bondage was beginning to tell upon her.
204“ha’ you got a mother?” she asked, turning sharply on her young guest.
and nellie’s reply was very low and sad: “she died nine years ago.”
the poor child was in the mood to-night to long inexpressibly for the soft arms and breast of a mother. there was silence for a few minutes.
“ah!” said mrs. browne, and her voice also was very low, and a little unsteady with tears, “she was fortunit, mothers had oughter die when their childers is little and loves them. when childers is growed up mothers is only in the way.”
nellie stretched out her young hand and stroked the poor old fat one that was tremblingly smoothing imaginary creases out of the sofa seat. “why, i would give all the world if my mother were alive,” she said, with eager hurrying lips, “and meg and pip would,—all of us, dear mrs. browne. i think it is just when we are grown up we love mothers best, and want them most.”
“not me,” was the slow, sad answer, accompanied by a furtively wiped tear. “not mothers as ain’t been learned grammar proper when they was young. them’s the kind of mothers as had oughter die afore their boys and girls are growed up.”
then the gentlemen came in, and there was a 205louder buzz of talk, a new settlement of chairs, and presently some excessively noisy music.
“i’m just goin’ to get something for my ’ed, it aches so bad,” mrs. browne whispered to nellie after a time; “they won’t notice if i slip out when miss ’udson goes to the pianee.”
nellie lifted eager eyes. “let me come with you,—oh, please!” she said impulsively, and the next minute the two were stealing out of the nearest door together.
in the dimly-lighted bedroom the old lady gave way altogether, and sobbed for a long time in a heartbroken way, much to nellie’s distress.
“oh, i wish i was dead, i do—i wish i was dead!” she said, with a little rocking movement to ease the sorrow of her poor old heart. she mopped at her eyes occasionally with her lace-trimmed handkerchief; in olden days she would have put her apron over her head and shed her tears behind its screen; but even that solace was denied her now.
nell found eau-de-cologne on the dressing-table, and insisted on bathing her head with it, and then fanning slowly with a palm leaf till the poor thing’s agitation calmed and the burning head was a little cooler.
“i think i’ve let things worrit me too much to-day,” was her faltering excuse when, half an hour 206later, she awoke to the fact that nellie was still fanning her; “but no one knows what my poor ’ed ’as been lately. marthy the parlour-maid was sick last night, poor thing, and i sat with her till near two; and james the other footman begged me to let ’im go off—they said ’is little girl was bad with scarlet-fever. i ’ad to let ’im, of course, and you could see ’ow vexed pa was when we was short-’anded at table. it worrited me awful.”
there was a rustle of silken skirts along the corridor, and a patter of high-heeled shoes. isabel had suddenly missed her young guest, whose eyes she had so wanted to dazzle; it struck her with infinite vexation that it was more than probable she was with her mother, despising her hugely for her ungrammatical language and many banalities.
“well, really!” she said, sweeping into the bedroom, and looking vexedly at the two on the sofa.
mrs. browne struggled instantly to her feet.
“i’m just comin’, my dear,—comin’ this minute,” she said, in a voice whose nervousness struck nellie as strangely pathetic. “i thought the folk wouldn’t be missin’ me just for a bit.”
“oh, i never expect you to do things like other hostesses,” her daughter answered rudely. then she turned to nellie.
“i don’t know what you want to run away like 207this for; i shall begin to think you’re not enjoying yourself. come, we’re going into the ballroom to have a dance or two: can you do the cotillon?”
she swept her away to the lights and music again, to fresh vexation of spirit that self-forgetfulness for a time had made less keen.
in the midst of a waltz with her odious dinner companion nell caught sight of her so-called hostess, who had followed her daughter back to the room.
she was sitting, poor fat old creature, on a stiff chair near the wall, blinking patiently at the dancers, the large set smile on her face again, and a headache pucker on her forehead.
to nellie the one bright spot in that dreadful evening was the thought of her touching, surprised gratitude at the trifling service she had done her.
“i just wish you was my little girl!” was her wistful speech at parting, when twelve o’clock put an end to the revels,—“oh, ’ow i wish you was my little girl!”
