i spent several days at the colony; and i suppose the life i led there had a demoralising effect on me, for, unpleasant as it was, every day i felt less inclined to break loose from it, and sometimes i even thought seriously of settling down there myself. this crazy idea, however, would usually come to me late in the day, after a great deal of indulgence in rum and tea, a mixture that would very soon drive any man mad.
one afternoon, at one of our convivial meetings, it was resolved to pay a visit to the little town of tolosa, about eighteen miles to the east of the colony. next day we set out, every man wearing a revolver slung at his waist, and provided with a heavy poncho for covering; for it was the custom of the colonists to spend the night at tolosa when they visited it. we put up at a large public-house in the centre of the miserable little town, where there was accommodation for man and beast, the last always faring rather better than the first. i very soon discovered that the chief object of our visit was to vary the entertainment of drinking rum and smoking at the “colony,” by drinking rum and smoking at tolosa. the bibulous battle raged till bedtime, when the only sober member of our party was myself; for i had spent the greater part of the afternoon walking about talking to the townspeople, in the hope of picking up some information useful to me in my search for occupation. but the women and old men i met gave me little encouragement. they seemed to be a rather listless set in tolosa, and when i asked them what they were doing to make a livelihood, they said they were waiting. my fellow-countrymen and their visit to the town was the principal topic of conversation. they regarded their english neighbours as strange and dangerous creatures, who took no solid food, but subsisted on a mixture of rum and gunpowder (which was the truth), and who were armed with deadly engines called revolvers, invented specially for them by their father the devil. the day's experience convinced me that the english colony had some excuse forits existence, since its periodical visits gave the good people of tolosa a little wholesome excitement during the stagnant intervals between the revolutions.
at night we all turned into a large room with a clay floor, in which there was not a single article of furniture. our saddles, rugs, and ponchos had all been thrown together in a corner, and anyone wishing to sleep had to make himself a bed with his own horse-gear and toggery as best he could. the experience was nothing new to me, so i soon made myself a comfortable nest on the floor, and, pulling off my boots, coiled myself up like an opossum that knows nothing better and is friendly with fleas. my friends, however, were evidently bent on making a night of it, and had taken care to provide themselves with three or four bottles of rum. after conversation, with an occasional song, had been going on for some time, one of them—a mr. chillingworth—rose to his feet and demanded silence.
“gentlemen,” he said, advancing into the middle of the room, where, by occasionally throwing out his arms to balance himself, he managed to maintain a tolerably erect position, “i am going to make a what-d'ye-call-it.”
furious cheers greeted this announcement, while one of the hearers, carried away with enthusiasm at the prospect of listening to his friend's eloquence, discharged his revolver at the roof, scattering confusion amongst a legion of long-legged spiders that occupied the dusty cobwebs above our heads.
i was afraid the whole town would be up in arms at our carryings on, but they assured me that they all fired off their revolvers in that room and that nobody came near them, as they were so well known in the town.
“gentlemen,” continued mr. chillingworth, when order had been at length restored, “i've been thinking, that's what i've been doing. now let's review the situation. here we stand, a colony of english gentlemen: here we are, don't you know, far from our homes and country and all that sort of thing. what says the poet? i daresay some of you fellows remember the passage. but what for, i ask! what, gentlemen, is the object of our being here? that's just what i'm going to tell you, don't you know. we are here, gentlemen, to infuse a little of our anglo-saxon energy, and all that sort of thing, into this dilapidated old tin-pot of a nation.”
here the orator was encouraged by a burst of applause.
“now, gentlemen,” he continued, “isn't it hard—devilish hard, don't you know, that so little is made of us? i feel it—i feel it, gentlemen; our lives are being frittered away. i don't know whether you fellows feel it. you see, we ain't a melancholy lot. we're a glorious combination against the blue devils, that's what we are. only sometimes i feel, don't you know, that all the rum in the place can't quite kill them. i can't help thinking of jolly days on the other side of the water. now, don't you fellows look at me as if you thought i was going to blubber. i'm not going to make such a confounded ass of myself, don't you know. but what i want you fellows to tell me is this: are we to go on all our lives making beasts of ourselves, guzzling rum—i—i beg your pardon, gentlemen. i didn't mean to say that, really. rum is about the only decent thing in this place. rum keeps us alive. if any man says a word against rum, i'll call him an infernal ass. i meant to say the country, gentlemen—this rotten old country, don't you know. no cricket, no society, no bass, no anything. supposing we had gone to canada with our—our capital and energies, wouldn't they have received us with open arms? and what's the reception we get here? now, gentlemen, what i propose is this: let's protest. let's get up a what-d'you-call-it to the thing they call a government. we'll state our case to the thing, gentlemen; and we'll insist on it and be very firm; that's what we'll do, don't you know. are we to live amongst these miserable monkeys and give them the benefit of our—our—yes, gentlemen, our capital and energies, and get nothing in return? no, no; we must let them know that we are not satisfied, that we will be very angry with them. that's about all i have to say, gentlemen.”
loud applause followed, during which the orator sat down rather suddenly on the floor. then followed “rule britannia,” everyone assisting with all the breath in his lungs to make night hideous.
when the song was finished the loud snoring of captain wriothesley became audible. he had begun to spread some rugs to lie on, but, becoming hopelessly entangled in his bridle-reins, surcingle, and stirrup-straps, had fallen to sleep with his feet on his saddle and his head on the floor.
“hallo, we can't have this!” shouted one of the fellows. “let's wake old cloud by firing at the wall over him and knocking some plaster on to his head. it'll be awful fun, you know.”
everybody was delighted with the proposal, except poor chillingworth, who, after delivering his speech, had crept away on all fours into a corner, where he was sitting alone and looking very pale and miserable.
the firing now began, most of the bullets hitting the wall only a few inches above the recumbent captain's head, scattering dust and bits of plaster over his purple face. i jumped up in alarm and rushed amongst them, telling them in my haste that they were too drunk to hold their revolvers properly, and would kill their friend.
my interference raised a loud, angry remonstrance, in the midst of which the captain, who was lying in a most uncomfortable position, woke, and, struggling into a sitting posture, stared vacantly at us, his reins and straps wound like serpents about his neck and arms.
“what's all the row 'bout?” he demanded huskily. “getting up rev'lution, i s'pose. a'right; only thing to do in this country. only don't ask me to be pres'dent. nor good enough. goo' night, boys; don't cut my throat by mistake. gor bless you all.”
“no, no, don't go to sleep, cloud,” they shouted. “lamb's the cause of all this. he says we're drunk—that's the way lamb repays our hospitality. we were firing to wake you up, old cap, to have a drink—”
“a drink—yes,” assented the captain hoarsely.
“and lamb was afraid we would injure you. tell him, old cloud, whether you're afraid of your friends. tell lamb what you think of his conduct.”
“yes, i'll tell him,” returned the captain in his thick tones. “lamb shan't interfere, gentlemen. but you know you took him in, didn't you, now? and what was my opinion of him? it wasn't right of you fellows, was it, now? he couldn't be one of us, you know, could he now? i'll leave it to you, gentlemen; didn't i say the fellow was a cad? why the devil doesn't he leave me alone then? i'll tell you what i'll do with lamb, i'll punch his damned nose, don't you know.”
and here the gallant gentleman attempted to rise, but his legs refused to assist him, and, tumbling back against the wall, he was only able to glare at me out of his watery eyes.
i went up to him, intending, i suppose, to punch his nose, but, suddenly changing my mind, i merely picked up my saddle and things, then left the room with a hearty curse on captain cloudesley wriothesley, the evil genius, drunk or sober, of the colony of english gentlemen. i was no sooner outside the door than the joy they felt at being rid of me was expressed in loud shouts, clapping of hands, and a general discharge of firearms into the roof.
i spread my rugs out of doors and soliloquised myself to sleep. “and so ends,” said i, fixing my somewhat drowsy eyes on the constellation of orion, “adventure the second, or twenty-second—little does it matter about the exact number of them, since they all alike end in smoke—revolver smoke—or a flourish of knives and the shaking of dust from off my feet. and, perhaps, at this very moment paquíta, roused from light slumbers by the droning cry of the night-watchman under her window, puts out her arms to feel me, and sighs to find my place still vacant. what must i say to her? that i must change my name to ernandes or fernandes, or blas or chas, or sandariaga, gorostiaga, madariaga, or any other 'aga,' and conspire to overthrow the existing order of things. there is nothing else for me to do, since this oriental world is indeed an oyster only a sharp sword will serve to open. as for arms and armies and military training, all that is quite unnecessary. one has only got to bring together a few ragged, dissatisfied men, and, taking horse, charge pell-mell into poor mr. chillingworth's dilapidated old tin-pot. i almost feel like that unhappy gentleman to-night, ready to blubber. but, after all, my position is not quite so hopeless as his; i have no brutalised, purple-nosed briton sitting like a nightmare on my chest, pressing the life out of me.”
the shouts and choruses of the revellers grew fainter and fewer, and had almost ceased when i sank to sleep, lulled by a solitary tipsy voice droning out in a lugubrious key:
we won't go—home till morning.
