my beloved makar alexievitch,—so eager am i to do something that will please and divert you in return for your care, for your ceaseless efforts on my behalf—in short, for your love for me—that i have decided to beguile a leisure hour for you by delving into my locker, and extracting thence the manuscript which i send you herewith. i began it during the happier period of my life, and have continued it at intervals since. so often have you asked me about my former existence—about my mother, about pokrovski, about my sojourn with anna thedorovna, about my more recent misfortunes; so often have you expressed an earnest desire to read the manuscript in which (god knows why) i have recorded certain incidents of my life, that i feel no doubt but that the sending of it will give you sincere pleasure. yet somehow i feel depressed when i read it, for i seem now to have grown twice as old as i was when i penned its concluding lines. ah, makar alexievitch, how weary i am—how this insomnia tortures me! convalescence is indeed a hard thing to bear!
b. d. one
up to the age of fourteen, when my father died, my childhood was the happiest period of my life. it began very far away from here in the depths of the province of tula, where my father filled the position of steward on the vast estates of the prince p——. our house was situated in one of the prince’s villages, and we lived a quiet, obscure, but happy, life. a gay little child was i—my one idea being ceaselessly to run about the fields and the woods and the garden. no one ever gave me a thought, for my father was always occupied with business affairs, and my mother with her housekeeping. nor did any one ever give me any lessons—a circumstance for which i was not sorry. at earliest dawn i would hie me to a pond or a copse, or to a hay or a harvest field, where the sun could warm me, and i could roam wherever i liked, and scratch my hands with bushes, and tear my clothes in pieces. for this i used to get blamed afterwards, but i did not care.
had it befallen me never to quit that village—had it befallen me to remain for ever in that spot—i should always have been happy; but fate ordained that i should leave my birthplace even before my girlhood had come to an end. in short, i was only twelve years old when we removed to st. petersburg. ah! how it hurts me to recall the mournful gatherings before our departure, and to recall how bitterly i wept when the time came for us to say farewell to all that i had held so dear! i remember throwing myself upon my father’s neck, and beseeching him with tears to stay in the country a little longer; but he bid me be silent, and my mother, adding her tears to mine, explained that business matters compelled us to go. as a matter of fact, old prince p—— had just died, and his heirs had dismissed my father from his post; whereupon, since he had a little money privately invested in st. petersburg, he bethought him that his personal presence in the capital was necessary for the due management of his affairs. it was my mother who told me this. consequently we settled here in st. petersburg, and did not again move until my father died.
how difficult i found it to grow accustomed to my new life! at the time of our removal to st. petersburg it was autumn—a season when, in the country, the weather is clear and keen and bright, all agricultural labour has come to an end, the great sheaves of corn are safely garnered in the byre, and the birds are flying hither and thither in clamorous flocks. yes, at that season the country is joyous and fair, but here in st. petersburg, at the time when we reached the city, we encountered nothing but rain, bitter autumn frosts, dull skies, ugliness, and crowds of strangers who looked hostile, discontented, and disposed to take offence. however, we managed to settle down—though i remember that in our new home there was much noise and confusion as we set the establishment in order. after this my father was seldom at home, and my mother had few spare moments; wherefore, i found myself forgotten.
the first morning after our arrival, when i awoke from sleep, how sad i felt! i could see that our windows looked out upon a drab space of wall, and that the street below was littered with filth. passers-by were few, and as they walked they kept muffling themselves up against the cold.
then there ensued days when dullness and depression reigned supreme. scarcely a relative or an acquaintance did we possess in st. petersburg, and even anna thedorovna and my father had come to loggerheads with one another, owing to the fact that he owed her money. in fact, our only visitors were business callers, and as a rule these came but to wrangle, to argue, and to raise a disturbance. such visits would make my father look very discontented, and seem out of temper. for hours and hours he would pace the room with a frown on his face and a brooding silence on his lips. even my mother did not dare address him at these times, while, for my own part, i used to sit reading quietly and humbly in a corner—not venturing to make a movement of any sort.
three months after our arrival in st. petersburg i was sent to a boarding-school. here i found myself thrown among strange people; here everything was grim and uninviting, with teachers continually shouting at me, and my fellow-pupils for ever holding me up to derision, and myself constantly feeling awkward and uncouth. how strict, how exacting was the system! appointed hours for everything, a common table, ever-insistent teachers! these things simply worried and tortured me. never from the first could i sleep, but used to weep many a chill, weary night away. in the evenings everyone would have to repeat or to learn her lessons. as i crouched over a dialogue or a vocabulary, without daring even to stir, how my thoughts would turn to the chimney-corner at home, to my father, to my mother, to my old nurse, to the tales which the latter had been used to tell! how sad it all was! the memory of the merest trifle at home would please me, and i would think and think how nice things used to be at home. once more i would be sitting in our little parlour at tea with my parents—in the familiar little parlour where everything was snug and warm! how ardently, how convulsively i would seem to be embracing my mother! thus i would ponder, until at length tears of sorrow would softly gush forth and choke my bosom, and drive the lessons out of my head. for i never could master the tasks of the morrow; no matter how much my mistress and fellow-pupils might gird at me, no matter how much i might repeat my lessons over and over to myself, knowledge never came with the morning. consequently, i used to be ordered the kneeling punishment, and given only one meal in the day. how dull and dispirited i used to feel! from the first my fellow-pupils used to tease and deride and mock me whenever i was saying my lessons. also, they used to pinch me as we were on our way to dinner or tea, and to make groundless complaints of me to the head mistress. on the other hand, how heavenly it seemed when, on saturday evening, my old nurse arrived to fetch me! how i would embrace the old woman in transports of joy! after dressing me, and wrapping me up, she would find that she could scarcely keep pace with me on the way home, so full was i of chatter and tales about one thing and another. then, when i had arrived home merry and lighthearted, how fervently i would embrace my parents, as though i had not seen them for ten years. such a fussing would there be—such a talking and a telling of tales! to everyone i would run with a greeting, and laugh, and giggle, and scamper about, and skip for very joy. true, my father and i used to have grave conversations about lessons and teachers and the french language and grammar; yet we were all very happy and contented together. even now it thrills me to think of those moments. for my father’s sake i tried hard to learn my lessons, for i could see that he was spending his last kopeck upon me, and himself subsisting god knows how. every day he grew more morose and discontented and irritable; every day his character kept changing for the worse. he had suffered an influx of debts, nor were his business affairs prospering. as for my mother, she was afraid even to say a word, or to weep aloud, for fear of still further angering him. gradually she sickened, grew thinner and thinner, and became taken with a painful cough. whenever i reached home from school i would find every one low-spirited, and my mother shedding silent tears, and my father raging. bickering and high words would arise, during which my father was wont to declare that, though he no longer derived the smallest pleasure or relaxation from life, and had spent his last coin upon my education, i had not yet mastered the french language. in short, everything began to go wrong, to turn to unhappiness; and for that circumstance, my father took vengeance upon myself and my mother. how he could treat my poor mother so i cannot understand. it used to rend my heart to see her, so hollow were her cheeks becoming, so sunken her eyes, so hectic her face. but it was chiefly around myself that the disputes raged. though beginning only with some trifle, they would soon go on to god knows what. frequently, even i myself did not know to what they related. anything and everything would enter into them, for my father would say that i was an utter dunce at the french language; that the head mistress of my school was a stupid, common sort of women who cared nothing for morals; that he (my father) had not yet succeeded in obtaining another post; that lamonde’s “grammar” was a wretched book—even a worse one than zapolski’s; that a great deal of money had been squandered upon me; that it was clear that i was wasting my time in repeating dialogues and vocabularies; that i alone was at fault, and that i must answer for everything. yet this did not arise from any want of love for me on the part of my father, but rather from the fact that he was incapable of putting himself in my own and my mother’s place. it came of a defect of character.
all these cares and worries and disappointments tortured my poor father until he became moody and distrustful. next he began to neglect his health, with the result that, catching a chill, he died, after a short illness, so suddenly and unexpectedly that for a few days we were almost beside ourselves with the shock—my mother, in particular, lying for a while in such a state of torpor that i had fears for her reason. the instant my father was dead creditors seemed to spring up out of the ground, and to assail us en masse. everything that we possessed had to be surrendered to them, including a little house which my father had bought six months after our arrival in st. petersburg. how matters were finally settled i do not know, but we found ourselves roofless, shelterless, and without a copper. my mother was grievously ill, and of means of subsistence we had none. before us there loomed only ruin, sheer ruin. at the time i was fourteen years old. soon afterwards anna thedorovna came to see us, saying that she was a lady of property and our relative; and this my mother confirmed—though, true, she added that anna was only a very distant relative. anna had never taken the least notice of us during my father’s lifetime, yet now she entered our presence with tears in her eyes, and an assurance that she meant to better our fortunes. having condoled with us on our loss and destitute position, she added that my father had been to blame for everything, in that he had lived beyond his means, and taken upon himself more than he was able to perform. also, she expressed a wish to draw closer to us, and to forget old scores; and when my mother explained that, for her own part, she harboured no resentment against anna, the latter burst into tears, and, hurrying my mother away to church, then and there ordered mass to be said for the “dear departed,” as she called my father. in this manner she effected a solemn reconciliation with my mother.
next, after long negotiations and vacillations, coupled with much vivid description of our destitute position, our desolation, and our helplessness, anna invited us to pay her (as she expressed it) a “return visit.” for this my mother duly thanked her, and considered the invitation for a while; after which, seeing that there was nothing else to be done, she informed anna thedorovna that she was prepared, gratefully, to accept her offer. ah, how i remember the morning when we removed to vassilievski island! [a quarter of st. petersburg.] it was a clear, dry, frosty morning in autumn. my mother could not restrain her tears, and i too felt depressed. nay, my very heart seemed to be breaking under a strange, undefined load of sorrow. how terrible it all seemed!...
ii
at first—that is to say, until my mother and myself grew used to our new abode—we found living at anna thedorovna’s both strange and disagreeable. the house was her own, and contained five rooms, three of which she shared with my orphaned cousin, sasha (whom she had brought up from babyhood); a fourth was occupied by my mother and myself; and the fifth was rented of anna by a poor student named pokrovski. although anna lived in good style—in far better style than might have been expected—her means and her avocation were conjectural. never was she at rest; never was she not busy with some mysterious something or other. also, she possessed a wide and varied circle of friends. the stream of callers was perpetual—although god only knows who they were, or what their business was. no sooner did my mother hear the door-bell ring than off she would carry me to our own apartment. this greatly displeased anna, who used again and again to assure my mother that we were too proud for our station in life. in fact, she would sulk for hours about it. at the time i could not understand these reproaches, and it was not until long afterwards that i learned—or rather, i guessed—why eventually my mother declared that she could not go on living with anna. yes, anna was a bad woman. never did she let us alone. as to the exact motive why she had asked us to come and share her house with her i am still in the dark. at first she was not altogether unkind to us but, later, she revealed to us her real character—as soon, that is to say, as she saw that we were at her mercy, and had nowhere else to go. yes, in early days she was quite kind to me—even offensively so, but afterwards, i had to suffer as much as my mother. constantly did anna reproach us; constantly did she remind us of her benefactions, and introduce us to her friends as poor relatives of hers whom, out of goodness of heart and for the love of christ, she had received into her bosom. at table, also, she would watch every mouthful that we took; and, if our appetite failed, immediately she would begin as before, and reiterate that we were over-dainty, that we must not assume that riches would mean happiness, and that we had better go and live by ourselves. moreover, she never ceased to inveigh against my father—saying that he had sought to be better than other people, and thereby had brought himself to a bad end; that he had left his wife and daughter destitute; and that, but for the fact that we had happened to meet with a kind and sympathetic christian soul, god alone knew where we should have laid our heads, save in the street. what did that woman not say? to hear her was not so much galling as disgusting. from time to time my mother would burst into tears, her health grew worse from day to day, and her body was becoming sheer skin and bone. all the while, too, we had to work—to work from morning till night, for we had contrived to obtain some employment as occasional sempstresses. this, however, did not please anna, who used to tell us that there was no room in her house for a modiste’s establishment. yet we had to get clothes to wear, to provide for unforeseen expenses, and to have a little money at our disposal in case we should some day wish to remove elsewhere. unfortunately, the strain undermined my mother’s health, and she became gradually weaker. sickness, like a cankerworm, was gnawing at her life, and dragging her towards the tomb. well could i see what she was enduring, what she was suffering. yes, it all lay open to my eyes.
day succeeded day, and each day was like the last one. we lived a life as quiet as though we had been in the country. anna herself grew quieter in proportion as she came to realise the extent of her power over us. in nothing did we dare to thwart her. from her portion of the house our apartment was divided by a corridor, while next to us (as mentioned above) dwelt a certain pokrovski, who was engaged in teaching sasha the french and german languages, as well as history and geography—“all the sciences,” as anna used to say. in return for these services he received free board and lodging. as for sasha, she was a clever, but rude and uncouth, girl of thirteen. on one occasion anna remarked to my mother that it might be as well if i also were to take some lessons, seeing that my education had been neglected at school; and, my mother joyfully assenting, i joined sasha for a year in studying under this pokrovski.
the latter was a poor—a very poor—young man whose health would not permit of his undertaking the regular university course. indeed, it was only for form’s sake that we called him “the student.” he lived in such a quiet, humble, retiring fashion that never a sound reached us from his room. also, his exterior was peculiar—he moved and walked awkwardly, and uttered his words in such a strange manner that at first i could never look at him without laughing. sasha was for ever playing tricks upon him—more especially when he was giving us our lessons. but unfortunately, he was of a temperament as excitable as herself. indeed, he was so irritable that the least trifle would send him into a frenzy, and set him shouting at us, and complaining of our conduct. sometimes he would even rush away to his room before school hours were over, and sit there for days over his books, of which he had a store that was both rare and valuable. in addition, he acted as teacher at another establishment, and received payment for his services there; and, whenever he had received his fees for this extra work, he would hasten off and purchase more books.
in time i got to know and like him better, for in reality he was a good, worthy fellow—more so than any of the people with whom we otherwise came in contact. my mother in particular had a great respect for him, and, after herself, he was my best friend. but at first i was just an overgrown hoyden, and joined sasha in playing the fool. for hours we would devise tricks to anger and distract him, for he looked extremely ridiculous when he was angry, and so diverted us the more (ashamed though i am now to admit it). but once, when we had driven him nearly to tears, i heard him say to himself under his breath, “what cruel children!” and instantly i repented—i began to feel sad and ashamed and sorry for him. i reddened to my ears, and begged him, almost with tears, not to mind us, nor to take offence at our stupid jests. nevertheless, without finishing the lesson, he closed his book, and departed to his own room. all that day i felt torn with remorse. to think that we two children had forced him, the poor, the unhappy one, to remember his hard lot! and at night i could not sleep for grief and regret. remorse is said to bring relief to the soul, but it is not so. how far my grief was internally connected with my conceit i do not know, but at least i did not wish him to think me a baby, seeing that i had now reached the age of fifteen years. therefore, from that day onwards i began to torture my imagination with devising a thousand schemes which should compel pokrovski to alter his opinion of me. at the same time, being yet shy and reserved by nature, i ended by finding that, in my present position, i could make up my mind to nothing but vague dreams (and such dreams i had). however, i ceased to join sasha in playing the fool, while pokrovski, for his part, ceased to lose his temper with us so much. unfortunately this was not enough to satisfy my self-esteem.
at this point, i must say a few words about the strangest, the most interesting, the most pitiable human being that i have ever come across. i speak of him now—at this particular point in these memoirs—for the reason that hitherto i had paid him no attention whatever, and began to do so now only because everything connected with pokrovski had suddenly become of absorbing interest in my eyes.
sometimes there came to the house a ragged, poorly-dressed, grey-headed, awkward, amorphous—in short, a very strange-looking—little old man. at first glance it might have been thought that he was perpetually ashamed of something—that he had on his conscience something which always made him, as it were, bristle up and then shrink into himself. such curious starts and grimaces did he indulge in that one was forced to conclude that he was scarcely in his right mind. on arriving, he would halt for a while by the window in the hall, as though afraid to enter; until, should any one happen to pass in or out of the door—whether sasha or myself or one of the servants (to the latter he always resorted the most readily, as being the most nearly akin to his own class)—he would begin to gesticulate and to beckon to that person, and to make various signs. then, should the person in question nod to him, or call him by name (the recognised token that no other visitor was present, and that he might enter freely), he would open the door gently, give a smile of satisfaction as he rubbed his hands together, and proceed on tiptoe to young pokrovski’s room. this old fellow was none other than pokrovski’s father.
later i came to know his story in detail. formerly a civil servant, he had possessed no additional means, and so had occupied a very low and insignificant position in the service. then, after his first wife (mother of the younger pokrovski) had died, the widower bethought him of marrying a second time, and took to himself a tradesman’s daughter, who soon assumed the reins over everything, and brought the home to rack and ruin, so that the old man was worse off than before. but to the younger pokrovski, fate proved kinder, for a landowner named bwikov, who had formerly known the lad’s father and been his benefactor, took the boy under his protection, and sent him to school. another reason why this bwikov took an interest in young pokrovski was that he had known the lad’s dead mother, who, while still a serving-maid, had been befriended by anna thedorovna, and subsequently married to the elder pokrovski. at the wedding bwikov, actuated by his friendship for anna, conferred upon the young bride a dowry of five thousand roubles; but whither that money had since disappeared i cannot say. it was from anna’s lips that i heard the story, for the student pokrovski was never prone to talk about his family affairs. his mother was said to have been very good-looking; wherefore, it is the more mysterious why she should have made so poor a match. she died when young—only four years after her espousal.
from school the young pokrovski advanced to a gymnasium, [secondary school.] and thence to the university, where bwikov, who frequently visited the capital, continued to accord the youth his protection. gradually, however, ill health put an end to the young man’s university course; whereupon bwikov introduced and personally recommended him to anna thedorovna, and he came to lodge with her on condition that he taught sasha whatever might be required of him.
grief at the harshness of his wife led the elder pokrovski to plunge into dissipation, and to remain in an almost permanent condition of drunkenness. constantly his wife beat him, or sent him to sit in the kitchen—with the result that in time, he became so inured to blows and neglect, that he ceased to complain. still not greatly advanced in years, he had nevertheless endangered his reason through evil courses—his only sign of decent human feeling being his love for his son. the latter was said to resemble his dead mother as one pea may resemble another. what recollections, therefore, of the kind helpmeet of former days may not have moved the breast of the poor broken old man to this boundless affection for the boy? of naught else could the father ever speak but of his son, and never did he fail to visit him twice a week. to come oftener he did not dare, for the reason that the younger pokrovski did not like these visits of his father’s. in fact, there can be no doubt that the youth’s greatest fault was his lack of filial respect. yet the father was certainly rather a difficult person to deal with, for, in the first place, he was extremely inquisitive, while, in the second place, his long-winded conversation and questions—questions of the most vapid and senseless order conceivable—always prevented the son from working. likewise, the old man occasionally arrived there drunk. gradually, however, the son was weaning his parent from his vicious ways and everlasting inquisitiveness, and teaching the old man to look upon him, his son, as an oracle, and never to speak without that son’s permission.
on the subject of his petinka, as he called him, the poor old man could never sufficiently rhapsodise and dilate. yet when he arrived to see his son he almost invariably had on his face a downcast, timid expression that was probably due to uncertainty concerning the way in which he would be received. for a long time he would hesitate to enter, and if i happened to be there he would question me for twenty minutes or so as to whether his petinka was in good health, as well as to the sort of mood he was in, whether he was engaged on matters of importance, what precisely he was doing (writing or meditating), and so on. then, when i had sufficiently encouraged and reassured the old man, he would make up his mind to enter, and quietly and cautiously open the door. next, he would protrude his head through the chink, and if he saw that his son was not angry, but threw him a nod, he would glide noiselessly into the room, take off his scarf, and hang up his hat (the latter perennially in a bad state of repair, full of holes, and with a smashed brim)—the whole being done without a word or a sound of any kind. next, the old man would seat himself warily on a chair, and, never removing his eyes from his son, follow his every movement, as though seeking to gauge petinka’s state of mind. on the other hand, if the son was not in good spirits, the father would make a note of the fact, and at once get up, saying that he had “only called for a minute or two,” that, “having been out for a long walk, and happening at the moment to be passing,” he had “looked in for a moment’s rest.” then silently and humbly the old man would resume his hat and scarf; softly he would open the door, and noiselessly depart with a forced smile on his face—the better to bear the disappointment which was seething in his breast, the better to help him not to show it to his son.
on the other hand, whenever the son received his father civilly the old man would be struck dumb with joy. satisfaction would beam in his face, in his every gesture, in his every movement. and if the son deigned to engage in conversation with him, the old man always rose a little from his chair, and answered softly, sympathetically, with something like reverence, while strenuously endeavouring to make use of the most recherche (that is to say, the most ridiculous) expressions. but, alas! he had not the gift of words. always he grew confused, and turned red in the face; never did he know what to do with his hands or with himself. likewise, whenever he had returned an answer of any kind, he would go on repeating the same in a whisper, as though he were seeking to justify what he had just said. and if he happened to have returned a good answer, he would begin to preen himself, and to straighten his waistcoat, frockcoat and tie, and to assume an air of conscious dignity. indeed, on these occasions he would feel so encouraged, he would carry his daring to such a pitch, that, rising softly from his chair, he would approach the bookshelves, take thence a book, and read over to himself some passage or another. all this he would do with an air of feigned indifference and sangfroid, as though he were free always to use his son’s books, and his son’s kindness were no rarity at all. yet on one occasion i saw the poor old fellow actually turn pale on being told by his son not to touch the books. abashed and confused, he, in his awkward hurry, replaced the volume wrong side uppermost; whereupon, with a supreme effort to recover himself, he turned it round with a smile and a blush, as though he were at a loss how to view his own misdemeanour. gradually, as already said, the younger pokrovski weaned his father from his dissipated ways by giving him a small coin whenever, on three successive occasions, he (the father) arrived sober. sometimes, also, the younger man would buy the older one shoes, or a tie, or a waistcoat; whereafter, the old man would be as proud of his acquisition as a peacock. not infrequently, also, the old man would step in to visit ourselves, and bring sasha and myself gingerbread birds or apples, while talking unceasingly of petinka. always he would beg of us to pay attention to our lessons, on the plea that petinka was a good son, an exemplary son, a son who was in twofold measure a man of learning; after which he would wink at us so quizzingly with his left eye, and twist himself about in such amusing fashion, that we were forced to burst out laughing. my mother had a great liking for him, but he detested anna thedorovna—although in her presence he would be quieter than water and lowlier than the earth.
soon after this i ceased to take lessons of pokrovski. even now he thought me a child, a raw schoolgirl, as much as he did sasha; and this hurt me extremely, seeing that i had done so much to expiate my former behaviour. of my efforts in this direction no notice had been taken, and the fact continued to anger me more and more. scarcely ever did i address a word to my tutor between school hours, for i simply could not bring myself to do it. if i made the attempt i only grew red and confused, and rushed away to weep in a corner. how it would all have ended i do not know, had not a curious incident helped to bring about a rapprochement. one evening, when my mother was sitting in anna thedorovna’s room, i crept on tiptoe to pokrovski’s apartment, in the belief that he was not at home. some strange impulse moved me to do so. true, we had lived cheek by jowl with one another; yet never once had i caught a glimpse of his abode. consequently my heart beat loudly—so loudly, indeed, that it seemed almost to be bursting from my breast. on entering the room i glanced around me with tense interest. the apartment was very poorly furnished, and bore few traces of orderliness. on table and chairs there lay heaps of books; everywhere were books and papers. then a strange thought entered my head, as well as, with the thought, an unpleasant feeling of irritation. it seemed to me that my friendship, my heart’s affection, meant little to him, for he was well-educated, whereas i was stupid, and had learned nothing, and had read not a single book. so i stood looking wistfully at the long bookshelves where they groaned under their weight of volumes. i felt filled with grief, disappointment, and a sort of frenzy. i felt that i must read those books, and decided to do so—to read them one by one, and with all possible speed. probably the idea was that, by learning whatsoever he knew, i should render myself more worthy of his friendship. so, i made a rush towards the bookcase nearest me, and, without stopping further to consider matters, seized hold of the first dusty tome upon which my hands chanced to alight, and, reddening and growing pale by turns, and trembling with fear and excitement, clasped the stolen book to my breast with the intention of reading it by candle light while my mother lay asleep at night.
but how vexed i felt when, on returning to our own room, and hastily turning the pages, only an old, battered worm-eaten latin work greeted my eyes! without loss of time i retraced my steps. just when i was about to replace the book i heard a noise in the corridor outside, and the sound of footsteps approaching. fumblingly i hastened to complete what i was about, but the tiresome book had become so tightly wedged into its row that, on being pulled out, it caused its fellows to close up too compactly to leave any place for their comrade. to insert the book was beyond my strength; yet still i kept pushing and pushing at the row. at last the rusty nail which supported the shelf (the thing seemed to have been waiting on purpose for that moment!) broke off short; with the result that the shelf descended with a crash, and the books piled themselves in a heap on the floor! then the door of the room opened, and pokrovski entered!
i must here remark that he never could bear to have his possessions tampered with. woe to the person, in particular, who touched his books! judge, therefore, of my horror when books small and great, books of every possible shape and size and thickness, came tumbling from the shelf, and flew and sprang over the table, and under the chairs, and about the whole room. i would have turned and fled, but it was too late. “all is over!” thought i. “all is over! i am ruined, i am undone! here have i been playing the fool like a ten-year-old child! what a stupid girl i am! the monstrous fool!”
indeed, pokrovski was very angry. “what? have you not done enough?” he cried. “are you not ashamed to be for ever indulging in such pranks? are you never going to grow sensible?” with that he darted forward to pick up the books, while i bent down to help him.
“you need not, you need not!” he went on. “you would have done far better not to have entered without an invitation.”
next, a little mollified by my humble demeanour, he resumed in his usual tutorial tone—the tone which he had adopted in his new-found role of preceptor:
“when are you going to grow steadier and more thoughtful? consider yourself for a moment. you are no longer a child, a little girl, but a maiden of fifteen.”
then, with a desire (probably) to satisfy himself that i was no longer a being of tender years, he threw me a glance—but straightway reddened to his very ears. this i could not understand, but stood gazing at him in astonishment. presently, he straightened himself a little, approached me with a sort of confused expression, and haltingly said something—probably it was an apology for not having before perceived that i was now a grown-up young person. but the next moment i understood. what i did i hardly know, save that, in my dismay and confusion, i blushed even more hotly than he had done and, covering my face with my hands, rushed from the room.
what to do with myself for shame i could not think. the one thought in my head was that he had surprised me in his room. for three whole days i found myself unable to raise my eyes to his, but blushed always to the point of weeping. the strangest and most confused of thoughts kept entering my brain. one of them—the most extravagant—was that i should dearly like to go to pokrovski, and to explain to him the situation, and to make full confession, and to tell him everything without concealment, and to assure him that i had not acted foolishly as a minx, but honestly and of set purpose. in fact, i did make up my mind to take this course, but lacked the necessary courage to do it. if i had done so, what a figure i should have cut! even now i am ashamed to think of it.
a few days later, my mother suddenly fell dangerously ill. for two days past she had not left her bed, while during the third night of her illness she became seized with fever and delirium. i also had not closed my eyes during the previous night, but now waited upon my mother, sat by her bed, brought her drink at intervals, and gave her medicine at duly appointed hours. the next night i suffered terribly. every now and then sleep would cause me to nod, and objects grow dim before my eyes. also, my head was turning dizzy, and i could have fainted for very weariness. yet always my mother’s feeble moans recalled me to myself as i started, momentarily awoke, and then again felt drowsiness overcoming me. what torture it was! i do not know, i cannot clearly remember, but i think that, during a moment when wakefulness was thus contending with slumber, a strange dream, a horrible vision, visited my overwrought brain, and i awoke in terror. the room was nearly in darkness, for the candle was flickering, and throwing stray beams of light which suddenly illuminated the room, danced for a moment on the walls, and then disappeared. somehow i felt afraid—a sort of horror had come upon me—my imagination had been over-excited by the evil dream which i had experienced, and a feeling of oppression was crushing my heart.... i leapt from the chair, and involuntarily uttered a cry—a cry wrung from me by the terrible, torturing sensation that was upon me. presently the door opened, and pokrovski entered.
i remember that i was in his arms when i recovered my senses. carefully seating me on a bench, he handed me a glass of water, and then asked me a few questions—though how i answered them i do not know. “you yourself are ill,” he said as he took my hand. “you yourself are very ill. you are feverish, and i can see that you are knocking yourself out through your neglect of your own health. take a little rest. lie down and go to sleep. yes, lie down, lie down,” he continued without giving me time to protest. indeed, fatigue had so exhausted my strength that my eyes were closing from very weakness. so i lay down on the bench with the intention of sleeping for half an hour only; but, i slept till morning. pokrovski then awoke me, saying that it was time for me to go and give my mother her medicine.
when the next evening, about eight o’clock, i had rested a little and was preparing to spend the night in a chair beside my mother (fixedly meaning not to go to sleep this time), pokrovski suddenly knocked at the door. i opened it, and he informed me that, since, possibly, i might find the time wearisome, he had brought me a few books to read. i accepted the books, but do not, even now, know what books they were, nor whether i looked into them, despite the fact that i never closed my eyes the whole night long. the truth was that a strange feeling of excitement was preventing me from sleeping, and i could not rest long in any one spot, but had to keep rising from my chair, and walking about the room. throughout my whole being there seemed to be diffused a kind of elation—of elation at pokrovski’s attentions, at the thought that he was anxious and uneasy about me. until dawn i pondered and dreamed; and though i felt sure pokrovski would not again visit us that night, i gave myself up to fancies concerning what he might do the following evening.
that evening, when everyone else in the house had retired to rest, pokrovski opened his door, and opened a conversation from the threshold of his room. although, at this distance of time, i cannot remember a word of what we said to one another, i remember that i blushed, grew confused, felt vexed with myself, and awaited with impatience the end of the conversation although i myself had been longing for the meeting to take place, and had spent the day in dreaming of it, and devising a string of suitable questions and replies. yes, that evening saw the first strand in our friendship knitted; and each subsequent night of my mother’s illness we spent several hours together. little by little i overcame his reserve, but found that each of these conversations left me filled with a sense of vexation at myself. at the same time, i could see with secret joy and a sense of proud elation that i was leading him to forget his tiresome books. at last the conversation turned jestingly upon the upsetting of the shelf. the moment was a peculiar one, for it came upon me just when i was in the right mood for self-revelation and candour. in my ardour, my curious phase of exaltation, i found myself led to make a full confession of the fact that i had become wishful to learn, to know, something, since i had felt hurt at being taken for a chit, a mere baby.... i repeat that that night i was in a very strange frame of mind. my heart was inclined to be tender, and there were tears standing in my eyes. nothing did i conceal as i told him about my friendship for him, about my desire to love him, about my scheme for living in sympathy with him and comforting him, and making his life easier. in return he threw me a look of confusion mingled with astonishment, and said nothing. then suddenly i began to feel terribly pained and disappointed, for i conceived that he had failed to understand me, or even that he might be laughing at me. bursting into tears like a child, i sobbed, and could not stop myself, for i had fallen into a kind of fit; whereupon he seized my hand, kissed it, and clasped it to his breast—saying various things, meanwhile, to comfort me, for he was labouring under a strong emotion. exactly what he said i do not remember—i merely wept and laughed by turns, and blushed, and found myself unable to speak a word for joy. yet, for all my agitation, i noticed that about him there still lingered an air of constraint and uneasiness. evidently, he was lost in wonder at my enthusiasm and raptures—at my curiously ardent, unexpected, consuming friendship. it may be that at first he was amazed, but that afterwards he accepted my devotion and words of invitation and expressions of interest with the same simple frankness as i had offered them, and responded to them with an interest, a friendliness, a devotion equal to my own, even as a friend or a brother would do. how happy, how warm was the feeling in my heart! nothing had i concealed or repressed. no, i had bared all to his sight, and each day would see him draw nearer to me.
truly i could not say what we did not talk about during those painful, yet rapturous, hours when, by the trembling light of a lamp, and almost at the very bedside of my poor sick mother, we kept midnight tryst. whatsoever first came into our heads we spoke of—whatsoever came riven from our hearts, whatsoever seemed to call for utterance, found voice. and almost always we were happy. what a grievous, yet joyous, period it was—a period grievous and joyous at the same time! to this day it both hurts and delights me to recall it. joyous or bitter though it was, its memories are yet painful. at least they seem so to me, though a certain sweetness assuaged the pain. so, whenever i am feeling heartsick and oppressed and jaded and sad those memories return to freshen and revive me, even as drops of evening dew return to freshen and revive, after a sultry day, the poor faded flower which has long been drooping in the noontide heat.
my mother grew better, but still i continued to spend the nights on a chair by her bedside. often, too, pokrovski would give me books. at first i read them merely so as to avoid going to sleep, but afterwards i examined them with more attention, and subsequently with actual avidity, for they opened up to me a new, an unexpected, an unknown, an unfamiliar world. new thoughts, added to new impressions, would come pouring into my heart in a rich flood; and the more emotion, the more pain and labour, it cost me to assimilate these new impressions, the dearer did they become to me, and the more gratefully did they stir my soul to its very depths. crowding into my heart without giving it time even to breathe, they would cause my whole being to become lost in a wondrous chaos. yet this spiritual ferment was not sufficiently strong wholly to undo me. for that i was too fanciful, and the fact saved me.
with the passing of my mother’s illness the midnight meetings and long conversations between myself and pokrovski came to an end. only occasionally did we exchange a few words with one another—words, for the most part, that were of little purport or substance, yet words to which it delighted me to apportion their several meanings, their peculiar secret values. my life had now become full—i was happy; i was quietly, restfully happy. thus did several weeks elapse....
one day the elder pokrovski came to see us, and chattered in a brisk, cheerful, garrulous sort of way. he laughed, launched out into witticisms, and, finally, resolved the riddle of his transports by informing us that in a week’s time it would be his petinka’s birthday, when, in honour of the occasion, he (the father) meant to don a new jacket (as well as new shoes which his wife was going to buy for him), and to come and pay a visit to his son. in short, the old man was perfectly happy, and gossiped about whatsoever first entered his head.
my lover’s birthday! thenceforward, i could not rest by night or day. whatever might happen, it was my fixed intention to remind pokrovski of our friendship by giving him a present. but what sort of present? finally, i decided to give him books. i knew that he had long wanted to possess a complete set of pushkin’s works, in the latest edition; so, i decided to buy pushkin. my private fund consisted of thirty roubles, earned by handiwork, and designed eventually to procure me a new dress, but at once i dispatched our cook, old matrena, to ascertain the price of such an edition. horrors! the price of the eleven volumes, added to extra outlay upon the binding, would amount to at least sixty roubles! where was the money to come from? i thought and thought, yet could not decide. i did not like to resort to my mother. of course she would help me, but in that case every one in the house would become aware of my gift, and the gift itself would assume the guise of a recompense—of payment for pokrovski’s labours on my behalf during the past year; whereas, i wished to present the gift alone, and without the knowledge of anyone. for the trouble that he had taken with me i wished to be his perpetual debtor—to make him no payment at all save my friendship. at length, i thought of a way out of the difficulty.
i knew that of the hucksters in the gostinni dvor one could sometimes buy a book—even one that had been little used and was almost entirely new—for a half of its price, provided that one haggled sufficiently over it; wherefore i determined to repair thither. it so happened that, next day, both anna thedorovna and ourselves were in want of sundry articles; and since my mother was unwell and anna lazy, the execution of the commissions devolved upon me, and i set forth with matrena.
luckily, i soon chanced upon a set of pushkin, handsomely bound, and set myself to bargain for it. at first more was demanded than would have been asked of me in a shop; but afterwards—though not without a great deal of trouble on my part, and several feints at departing—i induced the dealer to lower his price, and to limit his demands to ten roubles in silver. how i rejoiced that i had engaged in this bargaining! poor matrena could not imagine what had come to me, nor why i so desired to buy books. but, oh horror of horrors! as soon as ever the dealer caught sight of my capital of thirty roubles in notes, he refused to let the pushkin go for less than the sum he had first named; and though, in answer to my prayers and protestations, he eventually yielded a little, he did so only to the tune of two-and-a-half roubles more than i possessed, while swearing that he was making the concession for my sake alone, since i was “a sweet young lady,” and that he would have done so for no one else in the world. to think that only two-and-a-half roubles should still be wanting! i could have wept with vexation. suddenly an unlooked-for circumstance occurred to help me in my distress.
not far away, near another table that was heaped with books, i perceived the elder pokrovski, and a crowd of four or five hucksters plaguing him nearly out of his senses. each of these fellows was proffering the old man his own particular wares; and while there was nothing that they did not submit for his approval, there was nothing that he wished to buy. the poor old fellow had the air of a man who is receiving a thrashing. what to make of what he was being offered him he did not know. approaching him, i inquired what he happened to be doing there; whereat the old man was delighted, since he liked me (it may be) no less than he did petinka.
“i am buying some books, barbara alexievna,” said he, “i am buying them for my petinka. it will be his birthday soon, and since he likes books i thought i would get him some.”
the old man always expressed himself in a very roundabout sort of fashion, and on the present occasion he was doubly, terribly confused. of no matter what book he asked the price, it was sure to be one, two, or three roubles. the larger books he could not afford at all; he could only look at them wistfully, fumble their leaves with his finger, turn over the volumes in his hands, and then replace them. “no, no, that is too dear,” he would mutter under his breath. “i must go and try somewhere else.” then again he would fall to examining copy-books, collections of poems, and almanacs of the cheaper order.
“why should you buy things like those?” i asked him. “they are such rubbish!”
“no, no!” he replied. “see what nice books they are! yes, they are nice books!” yet these last words he uttered so lingeringly that i could see he was ready to weep with vexation at finding the better sorts of books so expensive. already a little tear was trickling down his pale cheeks and red nose. i inquired whether he had much money on him; whereupon the poor old fellow pulled out his entire stock, wrapped in a piece of dirty newspaper, and consisting of a few small silver coins, with twenty kopecks in copper. at once i seized the lot, and, dragging him off to my huckster, said: “look here. these eleven volumes of pushkin are priced at thirty-two-and-a-half roubles, and i have only thirty roubles. let us add to them these two-and-a-half roubles of yours, and buy the books together, and make them our joint gift.” the old man was overjoyed, and pulled out his money en masse; whereupon the huckster loaded him with our common library. stuffing it into his pockets, as well as filling both arms with it, he departed homewards with his prize, after giving me his word to bring me the books privately on the morrow.
next day the old man came to see his son, and sat with him, as usual, for about an hour; after which he visited ourselves, wearing on his face the most comical, the most mysterious expression conceivable. smiling broadly with satisfaction at the thought that he was the possessor of a secret, he informed me that he had stealthily brought the books to our rooms, and hidden them in a corner of the kitchen, under matrena’s care. next, by a natural transition, the conversation passed to the coming fête-day; whereupon, the old man proceeded to hold forth extensively on the subject of gifts. the further he delved into his thesis, and the more he expounded it, the clearer could i see that on his mind there was something which he could not, dared not, divulge. so i waited and kept silent. the mysterious exaltation, the repressed satisfaction which i had hitherto discerned in his antics and grimaces and left-eyed winks gradually disappeared, and he began to grow momentarily more anxious and uneasy. at length he could contain himself no longer.
“listen, barbara alexievna,” he said timidly. “listen to what i have got to say to you. when his birthday is come, do you take ten of the books, and give them to him yourself—that is, for yourself, as being your share of the gift. then i will take the eleventh book, and give it to him myself, as being my gift. if we do that, you will have a present for him and i shall have one—both of us alike.”
“why do you not want us to present our gifts together, zachar petrovitch?” i asked him.
“oh, very well,” he replied. “very well, barbara alexievna. only—only, i thought that—”
the old man broke off in confusion, while his face flushed with the exertion of thus expressing himself. for a moment or two he sat glued to his seat.
“you see,” he went on, “i play the fool too much. i am forever playing the fool, and cannot help myself, though i know that it is wrong to do so. at home it is often cold, and sometimes there are other troubles as well, and it all makes me depressed. well, whenever that happens, i indulge a little, and occasionally drink too much. now, petinka does not like that; he loses his temper about it, barbara alexievna, and scolds me, and reads me lectures. so i want by my gift to show him that i am mending my ways, and beginning to conduct myself better. for a long time past, i have been saving up to buy him a book—yes, for a long time past i have been saving up for it, since it is seldom that i have any money, unless petinka happens to give me some. he knows that, and, consequently, as soon as ever he perceives the use to which i have put his money, he will understand that it is for his sake alone that i have acted.”
my heart ached for the old man. seeing him looking at me with such anxiety, i made up my mind without delay.
“i tell you what,” i said. “do you give him all the books.”
“all?” he ejaculated. “all the books?”
“yes, all of them.”
“as my own gift?”
“yes, as your own gift.”
“as my gift alone?”
“yes, as your gift alone.”
surely i had spoken clearly enough, yet the old man seemed hardly to understand me.
“well,” said he after reflection, “that certainly would be splendid—certainly it would be most splendid. but what about yourself, barbara alexievna?”
“oh, i shall give your son nothing.”
“what?” he cried in dismay. “are you going to give petinka nothing—do you wish to give him nothing?” so put about was the old fellow with what i had said, that he seemed almost ready to renounce his own proposal if only i would give his son something. what a kind heart he had! i hastened to assure him that i should certainly have a gift of some sort ready, since my one wish was to avoid spoiling his pleasure.
“provided that your son is pleased,” i added, “and that you are pleased, i shall be equally pleased, for in my secret heart i shall feel as though i had presented the gift.”
this fully reassured the old man. he stopped with us another couple of hours, yet could not sit still for a moment, but kept jumping up from his seat, laughing, cracking jokes with sasha, bestowing stealthy kisses upon myself, pinching my hands, and making silent grimaces at anna thedorovna. at length, she turned him out of the house. in short, his transports of joy exceeded anything that i had yet beheld.
on the festal day he arrived exactly at eleven o’clock, direct from mass. he was dressed in a carefully mended frockcoat, a new waistcoat, and a pair of new shoes, while in his arms he carried our pile of books. next we all sat down to coffee (the day being sunday) in anna thedorovna’s parlour. the old man led off the meal by saying that pushkin was a magnificent poet. thereafter, with a return to shamefacedness and confusion, he passed suddenly to the statement that a man ought to conduct himself properly; that, should he not do so, it might be taken as a sign that he was in some way overindulging himself; and that evil tendencies of this sort led to the man’s ruin and degradation. then the orator sketched for our benefit some terrible instances of such incontinence, and concluded by informing us that for some time past he had been mending his own ways, and conducting himself in exemplary fashion, for the reason that he had perceived the justice of his son’s precepts, and had laid them to heart so well that he, the father, had really changed for the better: in proof whereof, he now begged to present to the said son some books for which he had long been setting aside his savings.
as i listened to the old man i could not help laughing and crying in a breath. certainly he knew how to lie when the occasion required! the books were transferred to his son’s room, and arranged upon a shelf, where pokrovski at once guessed the truth about them. then the old man was invited to dinner and we all spent a merry day together at cards and forfeits. sasha was full of life, and i rivalled her, while pokrovski paid me numerous attentions, and kept seeking an occasion to speak to me alone. but to allow this to happen i refused. yes, taken all in all, it was the happiest day that i had known for four years.
but now only grievous, painful memories come to my recollection, for i must enter upon the story of my darker experiences. it may be that that is why my pen begins to move more slowly, and seems as though it were going altogether to refuse to write. the same reason may account for my having undertaken so lovingly and enthusiastically a recounting of even the smallest details of my younger, happier days. but alas! those days did not last long, and were succeeded by a period of black sorrow which will close only god knows when!
my misfortunes began with the illness and death of pokrovski, who was taken worse two months after what i have last recorded in these memoirs. during those two months he worked hard to procure himself a livelihood since hitherto he had had no assured position. like all consumptives, he never—not even up to his last moment—altogether abandoned the hope of being able to enjoy a long life. a post as tutor fell in his way, but he had never liked the profession; while for him to become a civil servant was out of the question, owing to his weak state of health. moreover, in the latter capacity he would have had to have waited a long time for his first instalment of salary. again, he always looked at the darker side of things, for his character was gradually being warped, and his health undermined by his illness, though he never noticed it. then autumn came on, and daily he went out to business—that is to say, to apply for and to canvass for posts—clad only in a light jacket; with the result that, after repeated soakings with rain, he had to take to his bed, and never again left it. he died in mid-autumn at the close of the month of october.
throughout his illness i scarcely ever left his room, but waited on him hand and foot. often he could not sleep for several nights at a time. often, too, he was unconscious, or else in a delirium; and at such times he would talk of all sorts of things—of his work, of his books, of his father, of myself. at such times i learned much which i had not hitherto known or divined about his affairs. during the early part of his illness everyone in the house looked askance at me, and anna thedorovna would nod her head in a meaning manner; but, i always looked them straight in the face, and gradually they ceased to take any notice of my concern for pokrovski. at all events my mother ceased to trouble her head about it.
sometimes pokrovski would know who i was, but not often, for more usually he was unconscious. sometimes, too, he would talk all night with some unknown person, in dim, mysterious language that caused his gasping voice to echo hoarsely through the narrow room as through a sepulchre; and at such times, i found the situation a strange one. during his last night he was especially lightheaded, for then he was in terrible agony, and kept rambling in his speech until my soul was torn with pity. everyone in the house was alarmed, and anna thedorovna fell to praying that god might soon take him. when the doctor had been summoned, the verdict was that the patient would die with the morning.
that night the elder pokrovski spent in the corridor, at the door of his son’s room. though given a mattress to lie upon, he spent his time in running in and out of the apartment. so broken with grief was he that he presented a dreadful spectacle, and appeared to have lost both perception and feeling. his head trembled with agony, and his body quivered from head to foot as at times he murmured to himself something which he appeared to be debating. every moment i expected to see him go out of his mind. just before dawn he succumbed to the stress of mental agony, and fell asleep on his mattress like a man who has been beaten; but by eight o’clock the son was at the point of death, and i ran to wake the father. the dying man was quite conscious, and bid us all farewell. somehow i could not weep, though my heart seemed to be breaking.
the last moments were the most harassing and heartbreaking of all. for some time past pokrovski had been asking for something with his failing tongue, but i had been unable to distinguish his words. yet my heart had been bursting with grief. then for an hour he had lain quieter, except that he had looked sadly in my direction, and striven to make some sign with his death-cold hands. at last he again essayed his piteous request in a hoarse, deep voice, but the words issued in so many inarticulate sounds, and once more i failed to divine his meaning. by turns i brought each member of the household to his bedside, and gave him something to drink, but he only shook his head sorrowfully. finally, i understood what it was he wanted. he was asking me to draw aside the curtain from the window, and to open the casements. probably he wished to take his last look at the daylight and the sun and all god’s world. i pulled back the curtain, but the opening day was as dull and mournful—looking as though it had been the fast-flickering life of the poor invalid. of sunshine there was none. clouds overlaid the sky as with a shroud of mist, and everything looked sad, rainy, and threatening under a fine drizzle which was beating against the window-panes, and streaking their dull, dark surfaces with runlets of cold, dirty moisture. only a scanty modicum of daylight entered to war with the trembling rays of the ikon lamp. the dying man threw me a wistful look, and nodded. the next moment he had passed away.
the funeral was arranged for by anna thedorovna. a plain coffin was bought, and a broken-down hearse hired; while, as security for this outlay, she seized the dead man’s books and other articles. nevertheless, the old man disputed the books with her, and, raising an uproar, carried off as many of them as he could—stuffing his pockets full, and even filling his hat. indeed, he spent the next three days with them thus, and refused to let them leave his sight even when it was time for him to go to church. throughout he acted like a man bereft of sense and memory. with quaint assiduity he busied himself about the bier—now straightening the candlestick on the dead man’s breast, now snuffing and lighting the other candles. clearly his thoughts were powerless to remain long fixed on any subject. neither my mother nor anna thedorovna were present at the requiem, for the former was ill and the latter was at loggerheads with the old man. only myself and the father were there. during the service a sort of panic, a sort of premonition of the future, came over me, and i could hardly hold myself upright. at length the coffin had received its burden and was screwed down; after which the bearers placed it upon a bier, and set out. i accompanied the cortège only to the end of the street. here the driver broke into a trot, and the old man started to run behind the hearse—sobbing loudly, but with the motion of his running ever and anon causing the sobs to quaver and become broken off. next he lost his hat, the poor old fellow, yet would not stop to pick it up, even though the rain was beating upon his head, and a wind was rising and the sleet kept stinging and lashing his face. it seemed as though he were impervious to the cruel elements as he ran from one side of the hearse to the other—the skirts of his old greatcoat flapping about him like a pair of wings. from every pocket of the garment protruded books, while in his hand he carried a specially large volume, which he hugged closely to his breast. the passers-by uncovered their heads and crossed themselves as the cortège passed, and some of them, having done so, remained staring in amazement at the poor old man. every now and then a book would slip from one of his pockets and fall into the mud; whereupon somebody, stopping him, would direct his attention to his loss, and he would stop, pick up the book, and again set off in pursuit of the hearse. at the corner of the street he was joined by a ragged old woman; until at length the hearse turned a corner, and became hidden from my eyes. then i went home, and threw myself, in a transport of grief, upon my mother’s breast—clasping her in my arms, kissing her amid a storm of sobs and tears, and clinging to her form as though in my embraces i were holding my last friend on earth, that i might preserve her from death. yet already death was standing over her....
