my angel, barbara alexievna,—i hasten to inform you, oh light of my life, that my hopes are rising again. but, little daughter of mine—do you really mean it when you say that i am to indulge in no more borrowings? why, i could not do without them. things would go badly with us both if i did so. you are ailing. consequently, i tell you roundly that i must borrow, and that i must continue to do so.
also, i may tell you that my seat in the office is now next to that of a certain emelia ivanovitch. he is not the emelia whom you know, but a man who, like myself, is a privy councillor, as well as represents, with myself, the senior and oldest official in our department. likewise he is a good, disinterested soul, and one that is not over-talkative, though a true bear in appearance and demeanour. industrious, and possessed of a handwriting purely english, his caligraphy is, it must be confessed, even worse than my own. yes, he is a good soul. at the same time, we have never been intimate with one another. we have done no more than exchange greetings on meeting or parting, borrow one another’s penknife if we needed one, and, in short, observe such bare civilities as convention demands. well, today he said to me, “makar alexievitch, what makes you look so thoughtful?” and inasmuch as i could see that he wished me well, i told him all—or, rather, i did not tell him everything, for that i do to no man (i have not the heart to do it); i told him just a few scattered details concerning my financial straits. “then you ought to borrow,” said he. “you ought to obtain a loan of peter petrovitch, who does a little in that way. i myself once borrowed some money of him, and he charged me fair and light interest.” well, barbara, my heart leapt within me at these words. i kept thinking and thinking,—if only god would put it into the mind of peter petrovitch to be my benefactor by advancing me a loan! i calculated that with its aid i might both repay my landlady and assist yourself and get rid of my surroundings (where i can hardly sit down to table without the rascals making jokes about me). sometimes his excellency passes our desk in the office. he glances at me, and cannot but perceive how poorly i am dressed. now, neatness and cleanliness are two of his strongest points. even though he says nothing, i feel ready to die with shame when he approaches. well, hardening my heart, and putting my diffidence into my ragged pocket, i approached peter petrovitch, and halted before him more dead than alive. yet i was hopeful, and though, as it turned out, he was busily engaged in talking to thedosei ivanovitch, i walked up to him from behind, and plucked at his sleeve. he looked away from me, but i recited my speech about thirty roubles, et cetera, et cetera, of which, at first, he failed to catch the meaning. even when i had explained matters to him more fully, he only burst out laughing, and said nothing. again i addressed to him my request; whereupon, asking me what security i could give, he again buried himself in his papers, and went on writing without deigning me even a second glance. dismay seized me. “peter petrovitch,” i said, “i can offer you no security,” but to this i added an explanation that some salary would, in time, be due to me, which i would make over to him, and account the loan my first debt. at that moment someone called him away, and i had to wait a little. on returning, he began to mend his pen as though he had not even noticed that i was there. but i was for myself this time. “peter petrovitch,” i continued, “can you not do anything?” still he maintained silence, and seemed not to have heard me. i waited and waited. at length i determined to make a final attempt, and plucked him by the sleeve. he muttered something, and, his pen mended, set about his writing. there was nothing for me to do but to depart. he and the rest of them are worthy fellows, dearest—that i do not doubt—but they are also proud, very proud. what have i to do with them? yet i thought i would write and tell you all about it. meanwhile emelia ivanovitch had been encouraging me with nods and smiles. he is a good soul, and has promised to recommend me to a friend of his who lives in viborskaia street and lends money. emelia declares that this friend will certainly lend me a little; so tomorrow, beloved, i am going to call upon the gentleman in question.... what do you think about it? it would be a pity not to obtain a loan. my landlady is on the point of turning me out of doors, and has refused to allow me any more board. also, my boots are wearing through, and have lost every button—and i do not possess another pair! could anyone in a government office display greater shabbiness? it is dreadful, my barbara—it is simply dreadful!
makar dievushkin.
