during that winter thea lived in so many places that sometimes at night when she left bowers’s studio and emerged into the street she had to stop and think for a moment to remember where she was living now and what was the best way to get there.
when she moved into a new place her eyes challenged the beds, the carpets, the food, the mistress of the house. the boarding-houses were wretchedly conducted and thea’s complaints sometimes took an insulting form. she quarreled with one landlady after another and moved on. when she moved into a new room, she was almost sure to hate it on sight and to begin planning to hunt another place before she unpacked her trunk. she was moody and contemptuous toward her fellow boarders, except toward the young men, whom she treated with a careless familiarity which they usually misunderstood. they liked her, however, and when she left the house after a storm, they helped her to move her things and came to see her after she got settled in a new place. but she moved so often that they soon ceased to follow her. they could see no reason for keeping up with a girl who, under her jocularity, was cold, self-centered, and unimpressionable. they soon felt that she did not admire them.
thea used to waken up in the night and wonder why she was so unhappy. she would have been amazed if she had known how much the people whom she met in bowers’s studio had to do with her low spirits. she had never been conscious of those instinctive standards which are called ideals, and she did not know that she was suffering for them. she often found herself sneering when she was on a street-car, or when she was brushing out her hair before her mirror, as some inane remark or too familiar mannerism flitted across her mind.
she felt no creature kindness, no tolerant good-will for mrs. priest or jessie darcey. after one of jessie darcey’s concerts the glowing press notices, and the admiring comments that floated about bowers’s studio, caused thea bitter unhappiness. it was not the torment of personal jealousy. she had never thought of herself as even a possible rival of miss darcey. she was a poor music student, and jessie darcey was a popular and petted professional. mrs. priest, whatever one held against her, had a fine, big, showy voice and an impressive presence. she read indifferently, was inaccurate, and was always putting other people wrong, but she at least had the material out of which singers can be made. but people seemed to like jessie darcey exactly because she could not sing; because, as they put it, she was “so natural and unprofessional.” her singing was pronounced “artless,” her voice “birdlike.” miss darcey was thin and awkward in person, with a sharp, sallow face. thea noticed that her plainness was accounted to her credit, and that people spoke of it affectionately. miss darcey was singing everywhere just then; one could not help hearing about her. she was backed by some of the packing-house people and by the chicago northwestern railroad. only one critic raised his voice against her. thea went to several of jessie darcey’s concerts. it was the first time she had had an opportunity to observe the whims of the public which singers live by interesting. she saw that people liked in miss darcey every quality a singer ought not to have, and especially the nervous complacency that stamped her as a commonplace young woman. they seemed to have a warmer feeling for jessie than for mrs. priest, an affectionate and cherishing regard. chicago was not so very different from moonstone, after all, and jessie darcey was only lily fisher under another name.
thea particularly hated to accompany for miss darcey because she sang off pitch and didn’t mind it in the least. it was excruciating to sit there day after day and hear her; there was something shameless and indecent about not singing true.
one morning miss darcey came by appointment to go over the programme for her peoria concert. she was such a frail-looking girl that thea ought to have felt sorry for her. true, she had an arch, sprightly little manner, and a flash of salmon-pink on either brown cheek. but a narrow upper jaw gave her face a pinched look, and her eyelids were heavy and relaxed. by the morning light, the purplish brown circles under her eyes were pathetic enough, and foretold no long or brilliant future. a singer with a poor digestion and low vitality; she needed no seer to cast her horoscope. if thea had ever taken the pains to study her, she would have seen that, under all her smiles and archness, poor miss darcey was really frightened to death. she could not understand her success any more than thea could; she kept catching her breath and lifting her eyebrows and trying to believe that it was true. her loquacity was not natural, she forced herself to it, and when she confided to you how many defects she could overcome by her unusual command of head resonance, she was not so much trying to persuade you as to persuade herself.
when she took a note that was high for her, miss darcey always put her right hand out into the air, as if she were indicating height, or giving an exact measurement. some early teacher had told her that she could “place” a tone more surely by the help of such a gesture, and she firmly believed that it was of great assistance to her. (even when she was singing in public, she kept her right hand down with difficulty, nervously clasping her white kid fingers together when she took a high note. thea could always see her elbows stiffen.) she unvaryingly executed this gesture with a smile of gracious confidence, as if she were actually putting her finger on the tone: “there it is, friends!”
this morning, in gounod’s “ave maria,” as miss darcey approached her b natural,—
dans—nos a-lár———mes!
out went the hand, with the sure airy gesture, though it was little above a she got with her voice, whatever she touched with her finger. often bowers let such things pass—with the right people—but this morning he snapped his jaws together and muttered, “god!” miss darcey tried again, with the same gesture as of putting the crowning touch, tilting her head and smiling radiantly at bowers, as if to say, “it is for you i do all this!”
dans—nos a—lár———mes!
this time she made b flat, and went on in the happy belief that she had done well enough, when she suddenly found that her accompanist was not going on with her, and this put her out completely.
she turned to thea, whose hands had fallen in her lap. “oh why did you stop just there! it is too trying! now we’d better go back to that other crescendo and try it from there.”
“i beg your pardon,” thea muttered. “i thought you wanted to get that b natural.” she began again, as miss darcey indicated.
after the singer was gone, bowers walked up to thea and asked languidly, “why do you hate jessie so? her little variations from pitch are between her and her public; they don’t hurt you. has she ever done anything to you except be very agreeable?”
“yes, she has done things to me,” thea retorted hotly.
bowers looked interested. “what, for example?”
“i can’t explain, but i’ve got it in for her.”
bowers laughed. “no doubt about that. i’ll have to suggest that you conceal it a little more effectually. that is—necessary, miss kronborg,” he added, looking back over the shoulder of the overcoat he was putting on.
he went out to lunch and thea thought the subject closed. but late in the afternoon, when he was taking his dyspepsia tablet and a glass of water between lessons, he looked up and said in a voice ironically coaxing:—
“miss kronborg, i wish you would tell me why you hate jessie.”
taken by surprise thea put down the score she was reading and answered before she knew what she was saying, “i hate her for the sake of what i used to think a singer might be.”
bowers balanced the tablet on the end of his long forefinger and whistled softly. “and how did you form your conception of what a singer ought to be?” he asked.
“i don’t know.” thea flushed and spoke under her breath; “but i suppose i got most of it from harsanyi.”
bowers made no comment upon this reply, but opened the door for the next pupil, who was waiting in the reception-room.
it was dark when thea left the studio that night. she knew she had offended bowers. somehow she had hurt herself, too. she felt unequal to the boarding-house table, the sneaking divinity student who sat next her and had tried to kiss her on the stairs last night. she went over to the waterside of michigan avenue and walked along beside the lake. it was a clear, frosty winter night. the great empty space over the water was restful and spoke of freedom. if she had any money at all, she would go away. the stars glittered over the wide black water. she looked up at them wearily and shook her head. she believed that what she felt was despair, but it was only one of the forms of hope. she felt, indeed, as if she were bidding the stars good-bye; but she was renewing a promise. though their challenge is universal and eternal, the stars get no answer but that,—the brief light flashed back to them from the eyes of the young who unaccountably aspire.
the rich, noisy, city, fat with food and drink, is a spent thing; its chief concern is its digestion and its little game of hide-and-seek with the undertaker. money and office and success are the consolations of impotence. fortune turns kind to such solid people and lets them suck their bone in peace. she flecks her whip upon flesh that is more alive, upon that stream of hungry boys and girls who tramp the streets of every city, recognizable by their pride and discontent, who are the future, and who possess the treasure of creative power.
