she protested too much, perhaps, but the event seemed to show that she was in earnest. i have described these two first visits of mine in some detail, but they were not the only ones i paid her. i saw her several times again, before she left town, and we became intimate, as london intimacies are measured. she ceased to protest (to my relief, for it made me nervous), she was very gentle, and gracious, and reasonable, and there was something in the way she looked and spoke that told me that for the present she found renunciation its own reward. so far, my scepticism was put to shame; her spiritual ecstasy maintained itself. if i could have foreseen then that it would maintain itself till the present hour i should have felt that lady vandeleur’s moral nature is finer indeed than mine. i heard from her that mr. tester remained at his father’s, and that lady emily and her daughter were also there. the day for the wedding had been fixed, and the preparations were going rapidly forward. meanwhile—she didn’t tell me, but i gathered it from things she dropped—she was in almost daily correspondence with the young man. i thought this a strange concomitant of his bridal arrangements; but apparently, henceforth, they were bent on convincing each other that the torch of virtue lighted their steps, and they couldn’t convince each other too much. she intimated to me that she had now effectually persuaded him (always by letter), that he would fail terribly if he should try to found his happiness on an injury done to another, and that of course she could never be happy (in a union with him), with the sight of his wretchedness before her. that a good deal of correspondence should be required to elucidate this is perhaps after all not remarkable. one day, when i was sitting with her (it was just before she left town), she suddenly burst into tears. before we parted i said to her that there were several women in london i liked very much,—that was common enough,—but for her i had a positive respect, and that was rare. my respect continues still, and it sometimes makes me furious.
about the middle of january ambrose tester reappeared in town. he told me he came to bid me good-by. he was going to be beheaded. it was no use saying that old relations would be the same after a man was married; they would be different, everything would be different. i had wanted him to marry, and now i should see how i liked it he did n’t mention that i had also wanted him not to marry, and i was sure that if lady vandeleur had become his wife, she would have been a much greater impediment to our harmless friendship than joscelind bernardstone would ever be. it took me but a short time to observe that he was in very much the same condition as lady vandeleur. he was finding how sweet it is to renounce, hand in hand with one we love. upon him, too, the peace of the lord had descended. he spoke of his father’s delight at the nuptials being so near at hand; at the festivities that would take place in dorsetshire when he should bring home his bride. the only allusion he made to what we had talked of the last time we were together was to exclaim suddenly, “how can i tell you how easy she has made it? she is so sweet, so noble. she really is a perfect creature!” i took for granted that he was talking of his future wife, but in a moment, as we were at cross-purposes, perceived that he meant lady vandeleur. this seemed to me really ominous. it stuck in my mind after he had left me. i was half tempted to write him a note, to say, “there is, after all, perhaps, something worse than your jilting miss bernardstone would be; and that is the danger that your rupture with lady vandeleur may become more of a bond than your marrying her would have been for heaven’s sake, let your sacrifice be a sacrifice; keep it in its proper place!”
of course i did n’t write; even the slight responsibility i had already incurred began to frighten me, and i never saw mr. tester again till he was the husband of joscelind bernardstone. they have now been married some four years; they have two children, the eldest of whom is, as he should be, a boy. sir edmund waited till his grandson had made good his place in the world, and then, feeling it was safe, he quietly, genially surrendered his trust. he died, holding the hand of his daughter-in-law, and giving it doubtless a pressure which was an injunction to be brave. i don’t know what he thought of the success of his plan for his son; but perhaps, after all, he saw nothing amiss, for joscelind is the last woman in the world to have troubled him with her sorrows. from him, no doubt, she successfully concealed that bewilderment on which i have touched. you see i speak of her sorrows as if they were a matter of common recognition; certain it is that any one who meets her must see that she does n’t pass her life in joy. lady vandeleur, as you know, has never married again; she is still the most beautiful widow in england. she enjoys the esteem of every one, as well as the approbation of her conscience, for every one knows the sacrifice she made, knows that she was even more in love with sir ambrose than he was with her. she goes out again, of course, as of old, and she constantly meets the baronet and his wife. she is supposed to be even “very nice” to lady tester, and she certainly treats her with exceeding civility. but you know (or perhaps you don’t know) all the deadly things that, in london, may lie beneath that method. i don’t in the least mean that lady vandeleur has any deadly intentions; she is a very good woman, and i am sure that in her heart she thinks she lets poor joscelind off very easily. but the result of the whole situation is that joscelind is in dreadful fear of her, for how can she help seeing that she has a very peculiar power over her husband? there couldn’t have been a better occasion for observing the three together (if together it may be called, when lady tester is so completely outside), than those two days of ours at doubleton. that’s a house where they have met more than once before; i think she and sir ambrose like it. by “she” i mean, as he used to mean, lady vandeleur. you saw how lady tester was absolutely white with uneasiness. what can she do when she meets everywhere the implication that if two people in our time have distinguished themselves for their virtue, it is her husband and lady vandeleur? it is my impression that this pair are exceedingly happy. his marriage has made a difference, and i see him much less frequently and less intimately. but when i meet him i notice in him a kind of emanation of quiet bliss. yes, they are certainly in felicity, they have trod the clouds together, they have soared into the blue, and they wear in their faces the glory of those altitudes. they encourage, they cheer, inspire, sustain, each other, remind each other that they have chosen the better part of course they have to meet for this purpose, and their interviews are filled, i am sure, with its sanctity. he holds up his head, as a man may who on a very critical occasion behaved like a perfect gentleman. it is only poor joscelind that droops. have n’t i explained to you now why she does n’t understand?
