"heart failure; mustn't hurry or you'll die; must eat more, whether you've any appetite, or means to get it or not; must rest and take things quietly," and so on, and so on. bitterly i smiled to myself as i slowly crept home. but so curiously is the average man constituted that i did not feel as if i was actually under sentence of death. i rather clung to the belief that doctor stericker might be mistaken, and anyhow that many things might happen in eighteen months. though really that was not what kept me going. i have no claim to perseverance, pertinacity, courage or, least of all, optimism, but like the involved orator i couldn't see a place to leave off. no opening presented itself to me to step out of and lay the almost intolerable burden down, although i know full well that but for those helpless ones dependent upon me i should certainly have made or found a way long before.

here is the only explanation i can give of my persistence in a hopeless cause, to assign any other would be rank hypocrisy, as it would be to claim any special virtues of endurance or bravery in the face of overwhelming odds. and i have often thought that in many of us who get credit for "sticking to it" when all hope seems dead, there may be something of what kipling quotes as the pertinacity of materials: we hold on because it has become a habit so to do. but even i could not help seeing that the crash could now not be very long delayed, especially as i dared no longer dash at my work when it came in with a rush. i have also to recall very gratefully that my chief at the office, who took a kindly interest in my struggles, and had advised me to file my petition in bankruptcy, now hinted to me very clearly that in the event of my doing so, no notice would be taken by those "up above." this cheered me immensely, for i knew he would not have told me this if he had not found good grounds for doing so. and so i went on in my quieter course awaiting the catastrophe, and absolutely uncertain as to how or when it would come.

just about this time, i was delighted by the acceptance of an article i had written, by the editor of chambers's journal, a magazine which i had known and admired all my life, although i think it was called chambers's miscellany, "when that i was a little tiny boy," i had also imagined that the publication of a story or an article by anybody in those familiar double-column pages conferred a sort of brevet rank[pg 204] upon the writer of which no one could rob him; and in addition to all this the cheque which i received with (to me) amazing promptitude, was three times as much as i had previously received for an article of nearly the same length. so that altogether i felt uplifted and heartened, although the idea of literature as a profession still never occurred to me, especially as i was rapidly nearing forty, and feeling very often double that.

i fully believed that at forty a man's career was irrevocably fixed; if he had done nothing worthy of note before, he would certainly never do anything after, and all the stirring adventure of my early days had been completely overlaid by the dull drab round of my clerkly duties through so many years, to say nothing of the other jejune, undramatic, commonplace matters of which i have been writing in these pages. only, and this i would like to lay stress upon, there was a glow of strange delight in my heart, to find that when i took my pen in hand and sat down to write, all that early life on many seas stood out bold and clear upon the background of my mind, and i lived its incidents over and over again.

little did any of my infrequent customers think when they came into the shop and saw me writing as if for dear life, as i leaned over the counter, that i was lost in the resuscitated life of a quarter of a century before. and strange to say, at least to me, as soon as i laid down the pen all the[pg 205] vivid reality vanished, and i was as eager to get an order for a five-shilling frame, or to sell a couple of little pictures that i had framed on speculation, as if i had never done anything else all my life. occasionally, however, my eagerness departed, as when one day a lady came in and purchased all the framed mildmay texts i had in the place, telling me that she was going to present them to a church bazaar. of course i cut the price to the bone, as we say, for i thought i must not miss so good a chance of getting rid of stock that had been on hand for a long time; so i charged her just about half what the things cost me in materials. her order came to thirty shillings, and she said when about to pay me, "of course you'll give me twenty-five per cent. discount, i always get that for bazaar goods!"

even £1. 2s. 6d. would have been heartily welcome, but i rejoice to recollect that i told that wicked old harpy exactly what i thought of her, and her methods, and the system generally. this is not the place nor the time for a dissertation upon the charity of those who grind the face of the poor tradesman to supply the goods which they so ostentatiously present to the local bazaar, but i do not know that anything has aroused fiercer resentment in my heart than the behaviour of these liars, hypocrites, and thieves. strong words, i agree, but not any stronger than the truth which is, as we know, mighty and will prevail.

nearer and nearer drew the day of my deliverance,though of the manner in which that liberation was to be effected or of the time when it would come, i had not the remotest idea. i have omitted to say that when i took this shop i agreed with the gas company to supply me with three large incandescent gas lamps on hire. they gave a splendid light, and were called the vertmarsche patent, i remember. i was very proud of them, although they were only mine by courtesy, as i had not paid more than three quarterly instalments off their heavy cost. but they certainly did give a tone to the appearance of the shop, and although they undoubtedly made a heavy increase in my gas bills, i had learned that economy in light in any shop was fatal to business.

however i was often congratulated upon the splendour of my lights, for the system was then new, and i was the only tradesman in the lane who had them. they were especially admired by the tenant of my old shop nearly opposite, who had for some time been endeavouring to carry on a little drapery business there. he used to come over and swap troubles with me, telling me things which made me realise that i was by no means the only sufferer in this war of ours. at last, one evening, he became exceedingly confidential, telling me that his affairs had come to a crisis, and that he was about to file his petition in bankruptcy. but, he said, his furniture was of a very good and expensive kind, and he felt it would be too bad to have it seized and sold for such[pg 207] a trifle as it would surely fetch at a knockout auction. would i then let him my first-floor front room, which i had never occupied, as a store house for the best of his furniture until the clouds had rolled away? and if so, what would i charge per week. he could pay three shillings and sixpence.

at first i hesitated, for i realised the precariousness of my own position, but my visitor, mistaking my hesitation for a desire to get more money out of him, said, "i'd pay you more if i could, but i swear i have hardly a penny in the world. do help me if you can; you may be glad of a similar lift yourself some day." of course i hastened to assure him that nothing could well have been farther from my thoughts than the idea of exploiting his misery. three shillings and sixpence a week would pay me well, and indeed was the sum i had been vainly asking for that room for a long time.

he thanked me effusively and departed. after closing hours, he managed to get his effects transferred to my front room, and when i saw the kind of stuff he had, i could not wonder at his anxiety lest it should fall into the hands of those harpies, who batten upon the hardships of people who have their homes broken up. a terrible tragedy indeed, when the savings of an industrious lifetime invested in furniture are knocked down for, in many cases, less shillings than they cost pounds originally, and are then immediately resold to the inner gang for an enhanced price, to appear in a few days' time in some local furnishing warehouse at almost as high a price as their original figure.

the next day, my poor little guest came the expected cropper. his shop was closed, and he disappeared with his wife and family. i felt a wistful curiosity to know how he was faring, and yet a curious diffidence lest i should learn too much for my peace of mind. and so he passed out of my thoughts, and indeed i even forgot that so large a portion of his belongings was under my roof. truly i had quite sufficient of my own pressing personal affairs to occupy all my attention to the exclusion of any one else's troubles for the time, and that probably made me more callous than i should have been. i know that when some chance acquaintance would come in, and after a very lengthy preamble, try to borrow a few shillings, i used to wax eloquent. yet i suppose i ought to have been quite grateful for the opportunity of giving utterance to my sorrows without being suspected of ulterior motives. but i regret to say that i got a very bad idea of my fellow-men generally about this time. so many of them known to me looked so jolly, existed so easily, dressed well, smoked good cigars, and yet when they got me by myself invariably sang a song of misery, of a hollow mask concealing a broken heart, which the temporary loan of a pound or two would mend. and when the pound or two was not forthcoming a shilling or even sixpence would be so welcome.[pg 209] one quality they certainly had, that of perseverance. yes, after the most vehement exposition of the impossibility of ever borrowing anything from me, of all people in the world, they would reappear shortly on the same errand, until i shrewdly suspected, and told them as much, that they were only doing it for practice.

the climax for which i had been so long and so ignorantly waiting came in dramatic fashion. not, of course, as i had expected it to come, for to tell the plain simple truth i had for a long time thought that it would arrive by my falling dead in the street, and i exercised my imagination continually on the possible scenes afterwards. there was nothing much to wonder at in this for i almost always felt at this time as if i was, as the spaniards say, gastados, used up, had nothing at all left inside. but on this eventful evening i was working away as usual, "fitting up," in trade terms, at my glass cutting bench, when, without the slightest warning, the whole ceiling of the shop fell down, from wall to wall it tore away in one great mass of rotten plaster, smashing everything in its fall and filling the shop with dust and ruin. an earthquake could not have been more comprehensive as regards the internal fittings of the shop. my blessings upon the loafing scoundrels who slapped that rubbish up against the laths above, entirely careless of what happened as long as it stuck there till they got their money. they did me better service[pg 210] than they ever dreamed of. a big chunk of plaster having hit me on the head i was for a moment dazed and partly suffocated by the dust as well, but i saw my broken lamps flaring up towards the network of tindery laths above, and instinctively i dropped on my hands and knees to grope my way to the gas meter. i got rather badly cut, but i found the meter and turned off the gas, just in time to save the house from catching fire.

i can hear some cynic say, "silly ass, why didn't he let it catch fire and burn down, he could have made a bit out of it then." perhaps so, but i was not prepared to make a bit, and i had trained myself in habits of honesty (now don't laugh, for many people do, and i am no great exception) so that my first and only thought at that juncture was to prevent the greater calamity of fire. groping my way back along the counter, the dust having somewhat subsided i saw my wife, white and trembling, at the door of the shop parlour. on a sudden impulse i laughed loudly. in that instant i saw that the long looked for deliverance had come at last. but she said, "oh, what's the matter? are you all right?" meaning was i sane. i answered cheerily, "no doubt about that. i'm all right, and for good or evil i've done with this business. this means a full stop. i can't go on, however much i might want to."

then i became aware that the outside of the shop was crowded with people who had heard the crash, and with the intense curiosity of a london crowd had accumulated with the idea of seeing what was "up." this sight caused my mirth to subside, for like most englishmen i hate a crowd, hate to be pried upon, especially at a time like that. we like to fight our troubles alone, or at most with one or two chosen chums. on the platform it is different, the more facing you then the better, but afterwards, half a dozen will make you feel awkward. so i went to the door, and said appealingly, "what do you want?" there was no reply, so with a sigh i went on. "the ceiling of my shop has fallen down and ruined my stock. that's all. there's plenty of trouble, but it's mine, and you people can only add to it by crowding round here." with this i seized my "long arm," a pole with a hook to it, and marching out pulled the shutters down. i daresay a lot of them stood for a long time staring at the shutters, a practice of london crowds that is in curious variance to their usual alertness, but i do not know, for i did not look out again that night.

having bolted up as securely as if i feared a raid i came back to the parlour, where my wife met me, still with that doubting look in her eyes, and said, "whatever will you do?" "do," i replied, "i shall do the only thing that is now possible, i shall go up to bankruptcy buildings in the morning and file my petition." "how do you do that?" she queried. "i don't know anything about it, but i can learn, and shall learn i doubt not pretty quick," i answered. "and in any case it doesn't matter much now, for i am absolutely certain that this is what i have been unconsciously waiting for so long." as the matter was not yet quite plain to her i went on to point out the absolutely ruinous condition of the house with respect to the other ceilings, which did not, however, make the place uninhabitable. the shop was quite another matter. for in the first place the bulk of my stock of pictures was smashed, in the next my three costly lamps would require at least £5 spent upon them to put them in working order again, while i could not possibly open the shop again for business in that forlorn and dilapidated condition.

now the landlord had simply scoffed at the idea of doing anything to the premises in the way of repairs, telling me, with some indignation, what was indeed true, that the house had just been practically rebuilt, although taking no notice of my demur that the work had been so badly done that it had long ago required doing all over again. in addition to all these things i was very near the end of a second quarter in which i had paid no rent, and i should have been diffident, to put it delicately, in any case of approaching the landlord upon the subject of repairs unless i could do so with £20 in my hand.

to say that i had no money wherewith to get these repairs done would be too bold a platitude, for[pg 213] i never had any money that i could call my own, i never spent a penny upon the imperative needs of my family or myself, without a sense of guilt, of dishonesty, because i knew that it rightly belonged to someone else. but perhaps i should not have accepted the fiat of that collapsed ceiling so readily, had i not, metaphorically speaking, been in a state of physical decay, and inviting a coup de grâce. at anyrate i was perfectly satisfied in my own mind that it was a direct interposition of the awful power of providence in my little ephemeral affairs, and after a few mouthfuls of bread and cheese i went to bed with a lighter heart than i had borne for many a day.

i arose in the morning at daylight, refreshed by my good rest, which in itself was most unusual, but to me is a proof how largely fatigue is induced by worry. my first thought was the ruin below, and as soon as i had drunk my tea, i faced it. pushing the shutters up and letting the light stream in, i surveyed the scene and saw that it was far more ghastly than i had realised last night. in fact it quite fascinated me, and i stood staring at it for about ten minutes, softly whistling the while, until i suddenly came to myself with a jerk, and commenced to clear up a bit. but it was a painful business because of its obvious hopelessness. still something had to be done in order to get in and out, and besides i had got so used to work that employment, whether remunerative or not, was an absolute necessity.

another thing which made this occupation so painful to me was the handling of the broken children of my labours, my picture frames. every one of them had been a source of pride to me as i finished it, and stood it up to contemplate it; and to see them all mutilated, spoiled, and scattered was to me a most depressing sight. still, by sheer force of habit, i worked on, and succeeded in getting a sufficient clearance made for present purposes by the time i had to prepare for the office. not that i intended to do any office work that day, for quite different plans were in my mind.

i reached the office at the usual time, and, without uncovering my table, sought my kindly chief and told him that i was at last compelled to take his often reiterated advice and go to carey street (the bankruptcy court). hurriedly i explained the circumstances to him, finding that he was entirely in favour of my action. then i made out the usual application for a day's leave (to be deducted from my summer vacation), handed it in, and left.

with ample time to spare, i strolled up to the huge pile of buildings at the back of the law courts, which i in common with many happier londoners had never known the use of until then. indeed they had not long been finished and the approach to them, across what some of the newspapers ironically called at that time strand common, was quite appropriately depressing. it had that effect upon me at anyrate, added to all that horror of the unknown which is so[pg 215] natural to imaginative people and withal so unjustifiable in nine cases out of ten. being full early i sat down on one of the benches which even then were provided by some thoughtful souls for the use of weary jetsam from the roaring tide of the strand or fleet street, and endeavoured to concentrate my thoughts upon the approaching ordeal. it was a hopeless failure, as any attempts at meditation have always been with me. my thoughts will only flow under the stimulus of speech or pen action, in silence and alone they are uncontrollable, and range fruitlessly over the whole field of my experience.

but, behold, to me came sudden and grateful relief in the person of an old patron of mine who held some snug billet as an official reporter at the law courts facing us. having an hour to spare, he had come there to smoke a contemplative pipe and enjoy the unwonted rest from recording in wiggly hieroglyphics the mass of banalities, lies, and legalities which it was his business to perpetuate in print. he was an enthusiast in photography—indeed, it was his only hobby—and at the very slightest sign that i was attending to what he said, he launched forth into a flood of talk about lenses and exposures, and focussing and developing, about all of which i knew rather less than i did of cuneiform inscriptions. but he was so pleased, and my face expressed so much interest (which i swear i could not feel), that he babbled on for the hour he had to spare.

then suddenly he said, "but what are you doing here?" i replied casually as if it was an ordinary occurrence with me, "oh, i'm waiting to file my petition in bankruptcy as soon as it's eleven o'clock." "indeed," he answered, "well, you needn't be in a hurry, you won't find anybody in there that is. good morning," and he left me.

true my histrionic qualities are few, but i know that i did try and impart a pathetic break to my voice when i spoke of my errand, to infuse it with a pathos which i did not feel, for i had no idea of what was before me. i know also that he did not take the slightest notice of my tone, and treated it as one of the commonest of human experiences, one not deserving of even a passing thought. i know too that this vulgar indifference of his hurt me more than any words of whatever kind could have done. by it i knew that i was now enrolled among the ranks of the great army who live by their wits, who make a business of living upon other people, who are as much the parasites of society as the bookmaker or the bucket-shopkeeper, although not nearly so prosperous. no one would give me any credit, i knew, for the almost superhuman struggles i had made to pay my way, and to justify my right to live and maintain my wife and family. i, who had literally starved myself and worked myself into collapse in order to practice all the week what i preached on sundays in the open air, was now to be classed with those whom i had so often denounced.

perhaps it served me right for denouncing anybody. but it is hard when one feels deeply to refrain from speech. yet i suppose it would be safe to say that we never know what we might become if we fell victims to the folie des grandeurs, combined with that far more common complaint, the accursed thirst for gold, no matter whose.