before the autumn was at an end, and while the brown leaves still stood thick on the beeches in our park, my brother and bertha were engaged to each other, and it was understood that their marriage was to take place early in the next spring. in spite of the certainty i had felt from that moment on the bridge at prague, that bertha would one day be my wife, my constitutional timidity and distrust had continued to benumb me, and the words in which i had sometimes premeditated a confession of my love, had died away unuttered. the same conflict had gone on within me as before—the longing for an assurance of love from bertha’s lips, the dread lest a word of contempt and denial should fall upon me like a corrosive acid. what was the conviction of a distant necessity to me? i trembled under a present glance, i hungered after a present joy, i was clogged and chilled by a present fear. and so the days passed on: i witnessed bertha’s engagement and heard her marriage discussed as if i were under a conscious nightmare—knowing it was a dream that would vanish, but feeling stifled under the grasp of hard-clutching fingers.
when i was not in bertha’s presence—and i was with her very often, for she continued to treat me with a playful patronage that wakened no jealousy in my brother—i spent my time chiefly in wandering, in strolling, or taking long rides while the daylight lasted, and then shutting myself up with my unread books; for books had lost the power of chaining my attention. my self-consciousness was heightened to that pitch of intensity in which our own emotions take the form of a drama which urges itself imperatively on our contemplation, and we begin to weep, less under the sense of our suffering than at the thought of it. i felt a sort of pitying anguish over the pathos of my own lot: the lot of a being finely organized for pain, but with hardly any fibres that responded to pleasure—to whom the idea of future evil robbed the present of its joy, and for whom the idea of future good did not still the uneasiness of a present yearning or a present dread. i went dumbly through that stage of the poet’s suffering, in which he feels the delicious pang of utterance, and makes an image of his sorrows.
i was left entirely without remonstrance concerning this dreamy wayward life: i knew my father’s thought about me: “that lad will never be good for anything in life: he may waste his years in an insignificant way on the income that falls to him: i shall not trouble myself about a career for him.”
one mild morning in the beginning of november, it happened that i was standing outside the portico patting lazy old cæsar, a newfoundland almost blind with age, the only dog that ever took any notice of me—for the very dogs shunned me, and fawned on the happier people about me—when the groom brought up my brother’s horse which was to carry him to the hunt, and my brother himself appeared at the door, florid, broad-chested, and self-complacent, feeling what a good-natured fellow he was not to behave insolently to us all on the strength of his great advantages.
“latimer, old boy,” he said to me in a tone of compassionate cordiality, “what a pity it is you don’t have a run with the hounds now and then! the finest thing in the world for low spirits!”
“low spirits!” i thought bitterly, as he rode away; “that is the sort of phrase with which coarse, narrow natures like yours think to describe experience of which you can know no more than your horse knows. it is to such as you that the good of this world falls: ready dulness, healthy selfishness, good-tempered conceit—these are the keys to happiness.”
the quick thought came, that my selfishness was even stronger than his—it was only a suffering selfishness instead of an enjoying one. but then, again, my exasperating insight into alfred’s self-complacent soul, his freedom from all the doubts and fears, the unsatisfied yearnings, the exquisite tortures of sensitiveness, that had made the web of my life, seemed to absolve me from all bonds towards him. this man needed no pity, no love; those fine influences would have been as little felt by him as the delicate white mist is felt by the rock it caresses. there was no evil in store for him: if he was not to marry bertha, it would be because he had found a lot pleasanter to himself.
mr. filmore’s house lay not more than half a mile beyond our own gates, and whenever i knew my brother was gone in another direction, i went there for the chance of finding bertha at home. later on in the day i walked thither. by a rare accident she was alone, and we walked out in the grounds together, for she seldom went on foot beyond the trimly-swept gravel-walks. i remember what a beautiful sylph she looked to me as the low november sun shone on her blond hair, and she tripped along teasing me with her usual light banter, to which i listened half fondly, half moodily; it was all the sign bertha’s mysterious inner self ever made to me. to-day perhaps, the moodiness predominated, for i had not yet shaken off the access of jealous hate which my brother had raised in me by his parting patronage. suddenly i interrupted and startled her by saying, almost fiercely, “bertha, how can you love alfred?”
she looked at me with surprise for a moment, but soon her light smile came again, and she answered sarcastically, “why do you suppose i love him?”
“how can you ask that, bertha?”
“what! your wisdom thinks i must love the man i’m going to marry? the most unpleasant thing in the world. i should quarrel with him; i should be jealous of him; our ménage would be conducted in a very ill-bred manner. a little quiet contempt contributes greatly to the elegance of life.”
“bertha, that is not your real feeling. why do you delight in trying to deceive me by inventing such cynical speeches?”
“i need never take the trouble of invention in order to deceive you, my small tasso”—(that was the mocking name she usually gave me). “the easiest way to deceive a poet is to tell him the truth.”
she was testing the validity of her epigram in a daring way, and for a moment the shadow of my vision—the bertha whose soul was no secret to me—passed between me and the radiant girl, the playful sylph whose feelings were a fascinating mystery. i suppose i must have shuddered, or betrayed in some other way my momentary chill of horror.
“tasso!” she said, seizing my wrist, and peeping round into my face, “are you really beginning to discern what a heartless girl i am? why, you are not half the poet i thought you were; you are actually capable of believing the truth about me.”
the shadow passed from between us, and was no longer the object nearest to me. the girl whose light fingers grasped me, whose elfish charming face looked into mine—who, i thought, was betraying an interest in my feelings that she would not have directly avowed,—this warm breathing presence again possessed my senses and imagination like a returning siren melody which had been overpowered for an instant by the roar of threatening waves. it was a moment as delicious to me as the waking up to a consciousness of youth after a dream of middle age. i forgot everything but my passion, and said with swimming eyes—
“bertha, shall you love me when we are first married? i wouldn’t mind if you really loved me only for a little while.”
her look of astonishment, as she loosed my hand and started away from me, recalled me to a sense of my strange, my criminal indiscretion.
“forgive me,” i said, hurriedly, as soon as i could speak again; “i did not know what i was saying.”
“ah, tasso’s mad fit has come on, i see,” she answered quietly, for she had recovered herself sooner than i had. “let him go home and keep his head cool. i must go in, for the sun is setting.”
i left her—full of indignation against myself. i had let slip words which, if she reflected on them, might rouse in her a suspicion of my abnormal mental condition—a suspicion which of all things i dreaded. and besides that, i was ashamed of the apparent baseness i had committed in uttering them to my brother’s betrothed wife. i wandered home slowly, entering our park through a private gate instead of by the lodges. as i approached the house, i saw a man dashing off at full speed from the stable-yard across the park. had any accident happened at home? no; perhaps it was only one of my father’s peremptory business errands that required this headlong haste.
nevertheless i quickened my pace without any distinct motive, and was soon at the house. i will not dwell on the scene i found there. my brother was dead—had been pitched from his horse, and killed on the spot by a concussion of the brain.
i went up to the room where he lay, and where my father was seated beside him with a look of rigid despair. i had shunned my father more than any one since our return home, for the radical antipathy between our natures made my insight into his inner self a constant affliction to me. but now, as i went up to him, and stood beside him in sad silence, i felt the presence of a new element that blended us as we had never been blent before. my father had been one of the most successful men in the money-getting world: he had had no sentimental sufferings, no illness. the heaviest trouble that had befallen him was the death of his first wife. but he married my mother soon after; and i remember he seemed exactly the same, to my keen childish observation, the week after her death as before. but now, at last, a sorrow had come—the sorrow of old age, which suffers the more from the crushing of its pride and its hopes, in proportion as the pride and hope are narrow and prosaic. his son was to have been married soon—would probably have stood for the borough at the next election. that son’s existence was the best motive that could be alleged for making new purchases of land every year to round off the estate. it is a dreary thing onto live on doing the same things year after year, without knowing why we do them. perhaps the tragedy of disappointed youth and passion is less piteous than the tragedy of disappointed age and worldliness.
as i saw into the desolation of my father’s heart, i felt a movement of deep pity towards him, which was the beginning of a new affection—an affection that grew and strengthened in spite of the strange bitterness with which he regarded me in the first month or two after my brother’s death. if it had not been for the softening influence of my compassion for him—the first deep compassion i had ever felt—i should have been stung by the perception that my father transferred the inheritance of an eldest son to me with a mortified sense that fate had compelled him to the unwelcome course of caring for me as an important being. it was only in spite of himself that he began to think of me with anxious regard. there is hardly any neglected child for whom death has made vacant a more favoured place, who will not understand what i mean.
gradually, however, my new deference to his wishes, the effect of that patience which was born of my pity for him, won upon his affection, and he began to please himself with the endeavour to make me fill any brother’s place as fully as my feebler personality would admit. i saw that the prospect which by and by presented itself of my becoming bertha’s husband was welcome to him, and he even contemplated in my case what he had not intended in my brother’s—that his son and daughter-in-law should make one household with him. my softened feelings towards my father made this the happiest time i had known since childhood;—these last months in which i retained the delicious illusion of loving bertha, of longing and doubting and hoping that she might love me. she behaved with a certain new consciousness and distance towards me after my brother’s death; and i too was under a double constraint—that of delicacy towards my brother’s memory and of anxiety as to the impression my abrupt words had left on her mind. but the additional screen this mutual reserve erected between us only brought me more completely under her power: no matter how empty the adytum, so that the veil be thick enough. so absolute is our soul’s need of something hidden and uncertain for the maintenance of that doubt and hope and effort which are the breath of its life, that if the whole future were laid bare to us beyond to-day, the interest of all mankind would be bent on the hours that lie between; we should pant after the uncertainties of our one morning and our one afternoon; we should rush fiercely to the exchange for our last possibility of speculation, of success, of disappointment: we should have a glut of political prophets foretelling a crisis or a no-crisis within the only twenty-four hours left open to prophecy. conceive the condition of the human mind if all propositions whatsoever were self-evident except one, which was to become self-evident at the close of a summer’s day, but in the meantime might be the subject of question, of hypothesis, of debate. art and philosophy, literature and science, would fasten like bees on that one proposition which had the honey of probability in it, and be the more eager because their enjoyment would end with sunset. our impulses, our spiritual activities, no more adjust themselves to the idea of their future nullity, than the beating of our heart, or the irritability of our muscles.
bertha, the slim, fair-haired girl, whose present thoughts and emotions were an enigma to me amidst the fatiguing obviousness of the other minds around me, was as absorbing to me as a single unknown to-day—as a single hypothetic proposition to remain problematic till sunset; and all the cramped, hemmed-in belief and disbelief, trust and distrust, of my nature, welled out in this one narrow channel.
and she made me believe that she loved me. without ever quitting her tone of badinage and playful superiority, she intoxicated me with the sense that i was necessary to her, that she was never at ease, unless i was near her, submitting to her playful tyranny. it costs a woman so little effort to beset us in this way! a half-repressed word, a moment’s unexpected silence, even an easy fit of petulance on our account, will serve us as hashish for a long while. out of the subtlest web of scarcely perceptible signs, she set me weaving the fancy that she had always unconsciously loved me better than alfred, but that, with the ignorant fluttered sensibility of a young girl, she had been imposed on by the charm that lay for her in the distinction of being admired and chosen by a man who made so brilliant a figure in the world as my brother. she satirized herself in a very graceful way for her vanity and ambition. what was it to me that i had the light of my wretched provision on the fact that now it was i who possessed at least all but the personal part of my brother’s advantages? our sweet illusions are half of them conscious illusions, like effects of colour that we know to be made up of tinsel, broken glass, and rags.
we were married eighteen months after alfred’s death, one cold, clear morning in april, when there came hail and sunshine both together; and bertha, in her white silk and pale-green leaves, and the pale hues of her hair and face, looked like the spirit of the morning. my father was happier than he had thought of being again: my marriage, he felt sure, would complete the desirable modification of my character, and make me practical and worldly enough to take my place in society among sane men. for he delighted in bertha’s tact and acuteness, and felt sure she would be mistress of me, and make me what she chose: i was only twenty-one, and madly in love with her. poor father! he kept that hope a little while after our first year of marriage, and it was not quite extinct when paralysis came and saved him from utter disappointment.
i shall hurry through the rest of my story, not dwelling so much as i have hitherto done on my inward experience. when people are well known to each other, they talk rather of what befalls them externally, leaving their feelings and sentiments to be inferred.
we lived in a round of visits for some time after our return home, giving splendid dinner-parties, and making a sensation in our neighbourhood by the new lustre of our equipage, for my father had reserved this display of his increased wealth for the period of his son’s marriage; and we gave our acquaintances liberal opportunity for remarking that it was a pity i made so poor a figure as an heir and a bridegroom. the nervous fatigue of this existence, the insincerities and platitudes which i had to live through twice over—through my inner and outward sense—would have been maddening to me, if i had not had that sort of intoxicated callousness which came from the delights of a first passion. a bride and bridegroom, surrounded by all the appliances of wealth, hurried through the day by the whirl of society, filling their solitary moments with hastily-snatched caresses, are prepared for their future life together as the novice is prepared for the cloister—by experiencing its utmost contrast.
through all these crowded excited months, bertha’s inward self remained shrouded from me, and i still read her thoughts only through the language of her lips and demeanour: i had still the human interest of wondering whether what i did and said pleased her, of longing to hear a word of affection, of giving a delicious exaggeration of meaning to her smile. but i was conscious of a growing difference in her manner towards me; sometimes strong enough to be called haughty coldness, cutting and chilling me as the hail had done that came across the sunshine on our marriage morning; sometimes only perceptible in the dexterous avoidance of a tête-à-tête walk or dinner to which i had been looking forward. i had been deeply pained by this—had even felt a sort of crushing of the heart, from the sense that my brief day of happiness was near its setting; but still i remained dependent on bertha, eager for the last rays of a bliss that would soon be gone for ever, hoping and watching for some after-glow more beautiful from the impending night.
i remember—how should i not remember?—the time when that dependence and hope utterly left me, when the sadness i had felt in bertha’s growing estrangement became a joy that i looked back upon with longing as a man might look back on the last pains in a paralysed limb. it was just after the close of my father’s last illness, which had necessarily withdrawn us from society and thrown us more on each other. it was the evening of father’s death. on that evening the veil which had shrouded bertha’s soul from me—had made me find in her alone among my fellow-beings the blessed possibility of mystery, and doubt, and expectation—was first withdrawn. perhaps it was the first day since the beginning of my passion for her, in which that passion was completely neutralized by the presence of an absorbing feeling of another kind. i had been watching by my father’s deathbed: i had been witnessing the last fitful yearning glance his soul had cast back on the spent inheritance of life—the last faint consciousness of love he had gathered from the pressure of my hand. what are all our personal loves when we have been sharing in that supreme agony? in the first moments when we come away from the presence of death, every other relation to the living is merged, to our feeling, in the great relation of a common nature and a common destiny.
in that state of mind i joined bertha in her private sitting-room. she was seated in a leaning posture on a settee, with her back towards the door; the great rich coils of her pale blond hair surmounting her small neck, visible above the back of the settee. i remember, as i closed the door behind me, a cold tremulousness seizing me, and a vague sense of being hated and lonely—vague and strong, like a presentiment. i know how i looked at that moment, for i saw myself in bertha’s thought as she lifted her cutting grey eyes, and looked at me: a miserable ghost-seer, surrounded by phantoms in the noonday, trembling under a breeze when the leaves were still, without appetite for the common objects of human desires, but pining after the moon-beams. we were front to front with each other, and judged each other. the terrible moment of complete illumination had come to me, and i saw that the darkness had hidden no landscape from me, but only a blank prosaic wall: from that evening forth, through the sickening years which followed, i saw all round the narrow room of this woman’s soul—saw petty artifice and mere negation where i had delighted to believe in coy sensibilities and in wit at war with latent feeling—saw the light floating vanities of the girl defining themselves into the systematic coquetry, the scheming selfishness, of the woman—saw repulsion and antipathy harden into cruel hatred, giving pain only for the sake of wreaking itself.
for bertha too, after her kind, felt the bitterness of disillusion. she had believed that my wild poet’s passion for her would make me her slave; and that, being her slave, i should execute her will in all things. with the essential shallowness of a negative, unimaginative nature, she was unable to conceive the fact that sensibilities were anything else than weaknesses. she had thought my weaknesses would put me in her power, and she found them unmanageable forces. our positions were reversed. before marriage she had completely mastered my imagination, for she was a secret to me; and i created the unknown thought before which i trembled as if it were hers. but now that her soul was laid open to me, now that i was compelled to share the privacy of her motives, to follow all the petty devices that preceded her words and acts, she found herself powerless with me, except to produce in me the chill shudder of repulsion—powerless, because i could be acted on by no lever within her reach. i was dead to worldly ambitions, to social vanities, to all the incentives within the compass of her narrow imagination, and i lived under influences utterly invisible to her.
she was really pitiable to have such a husband, and so all the world thought. a graceful, brilliant woman, like bertha, who smiled on morning callers, made a figure in ball-rooms, and was capable of that light repartee which, from such a woman, is accepted as wit, was secure of carrying off all sympathy from a husband who was sickly, abstracted, and, as some suspected, crack-brained. even the servants in our house gave her the balance of their regard and pity. for there were no audible quarrels between us; our alienation, our repulsion from each other, lay within the silence of our own hearts; and if the mistress went out a great deal, and seemed to dislike the master’s society, was it not natural, poor thing? the master was odd. i was kind and just to my dependants, but i excited in them a shrinking, half-contemptuous pity; for this class of men and women are but slightly determined in their estimate of others by general considerations, or even experience, of character. they judge of persons as they judge of coins, and value those who pass current at a high rate.
after a time i interfered so little with bertha’s habits that it might seem wonderful how her hatred towards me could grow so intense and active as it did. but she had begun to suspect, by some involuntary betrayal of mine, that there was an abnormal power of penetration in me—that fitfully, at least, i was strangely cognizant of her thoughts and intentions, and she began to be haunted by a terror of me, which alternated every now and then with defiance. she meditated continually how the incubus could be shaken off her life—how she could be freed from this hateful bond to a being whom she at once despised as an imbecile, and dreaded as an inquisitor. for a long while she lived in the hope that my evident wretchedness would drive me to the commission of suicide; but suicide was not in my nature. i was too completely swayed by the sense that i was in the grasp of unknown forces, to believe in my power of self-release. towards my own destiny i had become entirely passive; for my one ardent desire had spent itself, and impulse no longer predominated over knowledge. for this reason i never thought of taking any steps towards a complete separation, which would have made our alienation evident to the world. why should i rush for help to a new course, when i was only suffering from the consequences of a deed which had been the act of my intensest will? that would have been the logic of one who had desires to gratify, and i had no desires. but bertha and i lived more and more aloof from each other. the rich find it easy to live married and apart.
that course of our life which i have indicated in a few sentences filled the space of years. so much misery—so slow and hideous a growth of hatred and sin, may be compressed into a sentence! and men judge of each other’s lives through this summary medium. they epitomize the experience of their fellow-mortal, and pronounce judgment on him in neat syntax, and feel themselves wise and virtuous—conquerors over the temptations they define in well-selected predicates. seven years of wretchedness glide glibly over the lips of the man who has never counted them out in moments of chill disappointment, of head and heart throbbings, of dread and vain wrestling, of remorse and despair. we learn words by rote, but not their meaning; that must be paid for with our life-blood, and printed in the subtle fibres of our nerves.
but i will hasten to finish my story. brevity is justified at once to those who readily understand, and to those who will never understand.
some years after my father’s death, i was sitting by the dim firelight in my library one january evening—sitting in the leather chair that used to be my father’s—when bertha appeared at the door, with a candle in her hand, and advanced towards me. i knew the ball-dress she had on—the white ball-dress, with the green jewels, shone upon by the light of the wax candle which lit up the medallion of the dying cleopatra on the mantelpiece. why did she come to me before going out? i had not seen her in the library, which was my habitual place for months. why did she stand before me with the candle in her hand, with her cruel contemptuous eyes fixed on me, and the glittering serpent, like a familiar demon, on her breast? for a moment i thought this fulfilment of my vision at vienna marked some dreadful crisis in my fate, but i saw nothing in bertha’s mind, as she stood before me, except scorn for the look of overwhelming misery with which i sat before her . . . “fool, idiot, why don’t you kill yourself, then?”—that was her thought. but at length her thoughts reverted to her errand, and she spoke aloud. the apparently indifferent nature of the errand seemed to make a ridiculous anticlimax to my prevision and my agitation.
“i have had to hire a new maid. fletcher is going to be married, and she wants me to ask you to let her husband have the public-house and farm at molton. i wish him to have it. you must give the promise now, because fletcher is going to-morrow morning—and quickly, because i’m in a hurry.”
“very well; you may promise her,” i said, indifferently, and bertha swept out of the library again.
i always shrank from the sight of a new person, and all the more when it was a person whose mental life was likely to weary my reluctant insight with worldly ignorant trivialities. but i shrank especially from the sight of this new maid, because her advent had been announced to me at a moment to which i could not cease to attach some fatality: i had a vague dread that i should find her mixed up with the dreary drama of my life—that some new sickening vision would reveal her to me as an evil genius. when at last i did unavoidably meet her, the vague dread was changed into definite disgust. she was a tall, wiry, dark-eyed woman, this mrs. archer, with a face handsome enough to give her coarse hard nature the odious finish of bold, self-confident coquetry. that was enough to make me avoid her, quite apart from the contemptuous feeling with which she contemplated me. i seldom saw her; but i perceived that she rapidly became a favourite with her mistress, and, after the lapse of eight or nine months, i began to be aware that there had arisen in bertha’s mind towards this woman a mingled feeling of fear and dependence, and that this feeling was associated with ill-defined images of candle-light scenes in her dressing-room, and the locking-up of something in bertha’s cabinet. my interviews with my wife had become so brief and so rarely solitary, that i had no opportunity of perceiving these images in her mind with more definiteness. the recollections of the past become contracted in the rapidity of thought till they sometimes bear hardly a more distinct resemblance to the external reality than the forms of an oriental alphabet to the objects that suggested them.
besides, for the last year or more a modification had been going forward in my mental condition, and was growing more and more marked. my insight into the minds of those around me was becoming dimmer and more fitful, and the ideas that crowded my double consciousness became less and less dependent on any personal contact. all that was personal in me seemed to be suffering a gradual death, so that i was losing the organ through which the personal agitations and projects of others could affect me. but along with this relief from wearisome insight, there was a new development of what i concluded—as i have since found rightly—to be a prevision of external scenes. it was as if the relation between me and my fellow-men was more and more deadened, and my relation to what we call the inanimate was quickened into new life. the more i lived apart from society, and in proportion as my wretchedness subsided from the violent throb of agonized passion into the dulness of habitual pain, the more frequent and vivid became such visions as that i had had of prague—of strange cities, of sandy plains, of gigantic ruins, of midnight skies with strange bright constellations, of mountain-passes, of grassy nooks flecked with the afternoon sunshine through the boughs: i was in the midst of such scenes, and in all of them one presence seemed to weigh on me in all these mighty shapes—the presence of something unknown and pitiless. for continual suffering had annihilated religious faith within me: to the utterly miserable—the unloving and the unloved—there is no religion possible, no worship but a worship of devils. and beyond all these, and continually recurring, was the vision of my death—the pangs, the suffocation, the last struggle, when life would be grasped at in vain.
things were in this state near the end of the seventh year. i had become entirely free from insight, from my abnormal cognizance of any other consciousness than my own, and instead of intruding involuntarily into the world of other minds, was living continually in my own solitary future. bertha was aware that i was greatly changed. to my surprise she had of late seemed to seek opportunities of remaining in my society, and had cultivated that kind of distant yet familiar talk which is customary between a husband and wife who live in polite and irrevocable alienation. i bore this with languid submission, and without feeling enough interest in her motives to be roused into keen observation; yet i could not help perceiving something triumphant and excited in her carriage and the expression of her face—something too subtle to express itself in words or tones, but giving one the idea that she lived in a state of expectation or hopeful suspense. my chief feeling was satisfaction that her inner self was once more shut out from me; and i almost revelled for the moment in the absent melancholy that made me answer her at cross purposes, and betray utter ignorance of what she had been saying. i remember well the look and the smile with which she one day said, after a mistake of this kind on my part: “i used to think you were a clairvoyant, and that was the reason why you were so bitter against other clairvoyants, wanting to keep your monopoly; but i see now you have become rather duller than the rest of the world.”
i said nothing in reply. it occurred to me that her recent obtrusion of herself upon me might have been prompted by the wish to test my power of detecting some of her secrets; but i let the thought drop again at once: her motives and her deeds had no interest for me, and whatever pleasures she might be seeking, i had no wish to baulk her. there was still pity in my soul for every living thing, and bertha was living—was surrounded with possibilities of misery.
just at this time there occurred an event which roused me somewhat from my inertia, and gave me an interest in the passing moment that i had thought impossible for me. it was a visit from charles meunier, who had written me word that he was coming to england for relaxation from too strenuous labour, and would like too see me. meunier had now a european reputation; but his letter to me expressed that keen remembrance of an early regard, an early debt of sympathy, which is inseparable from nobility of character: and i too felt as if his presence would be to me like a transient resurrection into a happier pre-existence.
he came, and as far as possible, i renewed our old pleasure of making tête-à-tête excursions, though, instead of mountains and glacers and the wide blue lake, we had to content ourselves with mere slopes and ponds and artificial plantations. the years had changed us both, but with what different result! meunier was now a brilliant figure in society, to whom elegant women pretended to listen, and whose acquaintance was boasted of by noblemen ambitious of brains. he repressed with the utmost delicacy all betrayal of the shock which i am sure he must have received from our meeting, or of a desire to penetrate into my condition and circumstances, and sought by the utmost exertion of his charming social powers to make our reunion agreeable. bertha was much struck by the unexpected fascinations of a visitor whom she had expected to find presentable only on the score of his celebrity, and put forth all her coquetries and accomplishments. apparently she succeeded in attracting his admiration, for his manner towards her was attentive and flattering. the effect of his presence on me was so benignant, especially in those renewals of our old tête-à-tête wanderings, when he poured forth to me wonderful narratives of his professional experience, that more than once, when his talk turned on the psychological relations of disease, the thought crossed my mind that, if his stay with me were long enough, i might possibly bring myself to tell this man the secrets of my lot. might there not lie some remedy for me, too, in his science? might there not at least lie some comprehension and sympathy ready for me in his large and susceptible mind? but the thought only flickered feebly now and then, and died out before it could become a wish. the horror i had of again breaking in on the privacy of another soul, made me, by an irrational instinct, draw the shroud of concealment more closely around my own, as we automatically perform the gesture we feel to be wanting in another.
when meunier’s visit was approaching its conclusion, there happened an event which caused some excitement in our household, owing to the surprisingly strong effect it appeared to produce on bertha—on bertha, the self-possessed, who usually seemed inaccessible to feminine agitations, and did even her hate in a self-restrained hygienic manner. this event was the sudden severe illness of her maid, mrs. archer. i have reserved to this moment the mention of a circumstance which had forced itself on my notice shortly before meunier’s arrival, namely, that there had been some quarrel between bertha and this maid, apparently during a visit to a distant family, in which she had accompanied her mistress. i had overheard archer speaking in a tone of bitter insolence, which i should have thought an adequate reason for immediate dismissal. no dismissal followed; on the contrary, bertha seemed to be silently putting up with personal inconveniences from the exhibitions of this woman’s temper. i was the more astonished to observe that her illness seemed a cause of strong solicitude to bertha; that she was at the bedside night and day, and would allow no one else to officiate as head-nurse. it happened that our family doctor was out on a holiday, an accident which made meunier’s presence in the house doubly welcome, and he apparently entered into the case with an interest which seemed so much stronger than the ordinary professional feeling, that one day when he had fallen into a long fit of silence after visiting her, i said to him—
“is this a very peculiar case of disease, meunier?”
“no,” he answered, “it is an attack of peritonitis, which will be fatal, but which does not differ physically from many other cases that have come under my observation. but i’ll tell you what i have on my mind. i want to make an experiment on this woman, if you will give me permission. it can do her no harm—will give her no pain—for i shall not make it until life is extinct to all purposes of sensation. i want to try the effect of transfusing blood into her arteries after the heart has ceased to beat for some minutes. i have tried the experiment again and again with animals that have died of this disease, with astounding results, and i want to try it on a human subject. i have the small tubes necessary, in a case i have with me, and the rest of the apparatus could be prepared readily. i should use my own blood—take it from my own arm. this woman won’t live through the night, i’m convinced, and i want you to promise me your assistance in making the experiment. i can’t do without another hand, but it would perhaps not be well to call in a medical assistant from among your provincial doctors. a disagreeable foolish version of the thing might get abroad.”
“have you spoken to my wife on the subject?” i said, “because she appears to be peculiarly sensitive about this woman: she has been a favourite maid.”
“to tell you the truth,” said meunier, “i don’t want her to know about it. there are always insuperable difficulties with women in these matters, and the effect on the supposed dead body may be startling. you and i will sit up together, and be in readiness. when certain symptoms appear i shall take you in, and at the right moment we must manage to get every one else out of the room.”
i need not give our farther conversation on the subject. he entered very fully into the details, and overcame my repulsion from them, by exciting in me a mingled awe and curiosity concerning the possible results of his experiment.
we prepared everything, and he instructed me in my part as assistant. he had not told bertha of his absolute conviction that archer would not survive through the night, and endeavoured to persuade her to leave the patient and take a night’s rest. but she was obstinate, suspecting the fact that death was at hand, and supposing that he wished merely to save her nerves. she refused to leave the sick-room. meunier and i sat up together in the library, he making frequent visits to the sick-room, and returning with the information that the case was taking precisely the course he expected. once he said to me, “can you imagine any cause of ill-feeling this woman has against her mistress, who is so devoted to her?”
“i think there was some misunderstanding between them before her illness. why do you ask?”
“because i have observed for the last five or six hours—since, i fancy, she has lost all hope of recovery—there seems a strange prompting in her to say something which pain and failing strength forbid her to utter; and there is a look of hideous meaning in her eyes, which she turns continually towards her mistress. in this disease the mind often remains singularly clear to the last.”
“i am not surprised at an indication of malevolent feeling in her,” i said. “she is a woman who has always inspired me with distrust and dislike, but she managed to insinuate herself into her mistress’s favour.” he was silent after this, looking at the fire with an air of absorption, till he went upstairs again. he stayed away longer than usual, and on returning, said to me quietly, “come now.”
i followed him to the chamber where death was hovering. the dark hangings of the large bed made a background that gave a strong relief to bertha’s pale face as i entered. she started forward as she saw me enter, and then looked at meunier with an expression of angry inquiry; but he lifted up his hand as if to impose silence, while he fixed his glance on the dying woman and felt her pulse. the face was pinched and ghastly, a cold perspiration was on the forehead, and the eyelids were lowered so as to conceal the large dark eyes. after a minute or two, meunier walked round to the other side of the bed where bertha stood, and with his usual air of gentle politeness towards her begged her to leave the patient under our care—everything should be done for her—she was no longer in a state to be conscious of an affectionate presence. bertha was hesitating, apparently almost willing to believe his assurance and to comply. she looked round at the ghastly dying face, as if to read the confirmation of that assurance, when for a moment the lowered eyelids were raised again, and it seemed as if the eyes were looking towards bertha, but blankly. a shudder passed through bertha’s frame, and she returned to her station near the pillow, tacitly implying that she would not leave the room.
the eyelids were lifted no more. once i looked at bertha as she watched the face of the dying one. she wore a rich peignoir, and her blond hair was half covered by a lace cap: in her attire she was, as always, an elegant woman, fit to figure in a picture of modern aristocratic life: but i asked myself how that face of hers could ever have seemed to me the face of a woman born of woman, with memories of childhood, capable of pain, needing to be fondled? the features at that moment seemed so preternaturally sharp, the eyes were so hard and eager—she looked like a cruel immortal, finding her spiritual feast in the agonies of a dying race. for across those hard features there came something like a flash when the last hour had been breathed out, and we all felt that the dark veil had completely fallen. what secret was there between bertha and this woman? i turned my eyes from her with a horrible dread lest my insight should return, and i should be obliged to see what had been breeding about two unloving women’s hearts. i felt that bertha had been watching for the moment of death as the sealing of her secret: i thanked heaven it could remain sealed for me.
meunier said quietly, “she is gone.” he then gave his arm to bertha, and she submitted to be led out of the room.
i suppose it was at her order that two female attendants came into the room, and dismissed the younger one who had been present before. when they entered, meunier had already opened the artery in the long thin neck that lay rigid on the pillow, and i dismissed them, ordering them to remain at a distance till we rang: the doctor, i said, had an operation to perform—he was not sure about the death. for the next twenty minutes i forgot everything but meunier and the experiment in which he was so absorbed, that i think his senses would have been closed against all sounds or sights which had no relation to it. it was my task at first to keep up the artificial respiration in the body after the transfusion had been effected, but presently meunier relieved me, and i could see the wondrous slow return of life; the breast began to heave, the inspirations became stronger, the eyelids quivered, and the soul seemed to have returned beneath them. the artificial respiration was withdrawn: still the breathing continued, and there was a movement of the lips.
just then i heard the handle of the door moving: i suppose bertha had heard from the women that they had been dismissed: probably a vague fear had arisen in her mind, for she entered with a look of alarm. she came to the foot of the bed and gave a stifled cry.
the dead woman’s eyes were wide open, and met hers in full recognition—the recognition of hate. with a sudden strong effort, the hand that bertha had thought for ever still was pointed towards her, and the haggard face moved. the gasping eager voice said—
“you mean to poison your husband . . . the poison is in the black cabinet . . . i got it for you . . . you laughed at me, and told lies about me behind my back, to make me disgusting . . . because you were jealous . . . are you sorry . . . now?”
the lips continued to murmur, but the sounds were no longer distinct. soon there was no sound—only a slight movement: the flame had leaped out, and was being extinguished the faster. the wretched woman’s heart-strings had been set to hatred and vengeance; the spirit of life had swept the chords for an instant, and was gone again for ever. great god! is this what it is to live again . . . to wake up with our unstilled thirst upon us, with our unuttered curses rising to our lips, with our muscles ready to act out their half-committed sins?
bertha stood pale at the foot of the bed, quivering and helpless, despairing of devices, like a cunning animal whose hiding-places are surrounded by swift-advancing flame. even meunier looked paralysed; life for that moment ceased to be a scientific problem to him. as for me, this scene seemed of one texture with the rest of my existence: horror was my familiar, and this new revelation was only like an old pain recurring with new circumstances.
since then bertha and i have lived apart—she in her own neighbourhood, the mistress of half our wealth, i as a wanderer in foreign countries, until i came to this devonshire nest to die. bertha lives pitied and admired; for what had i against that charming woman, whom every one but myself could have been happy with? there had been no witness of the scene in the dying room except meunier, and while meunier lived his lips were sealed by a promise to me.
once or twice, weary of wandering, i rested in a favourite spot, and my heart went out towards the men and women and children whose faces were becoming familiar to me; but i was driven away again in terror at the approach of my old insight—driven away to live continually with the one unknown presence revealed and yet hidden by the moving curtain of the earth and sky. till at last disease took hold of me and forced me to rest here—forced me to live in dependence on my servants. and then the curse of insight—of my double consciousness, came again, and has never left me. i know all their narrow thoughts, their feeble regard, their half-wearied pity.
it is the 20th of september, 1850. i know these figures i have just written, as if they were a long familiar inscription. i have seen them on this page in my desk unnumbered times, when the scene of my dying struggle has opened upon me . . .
