it was all to have made, none the less, as i have said, a date; which came out in the fact that again and again, even after long intervals, other things that passed between them were in relation to this hour but the character of recalls and results. its immediate effect had been indeed rather to lighten insistence—almost to provoke a reaction; as if their topic had dropped by its own weight and as if moreover, for that matter, marcher had been visited by one of his occasional warnings against egotism. he had kept up, he felt, and very decently on the whole, his consciousness of the importance of not being selfish, and it was true that he had never sinned in that direction without promptly enough trying to press the scales the other way. he often repaired his fault, the season permitting, by inviting his friend to accompany him to the opera; and it not infrequently thus happened that, to show he didn’t wish her to have but one sort of food for her mind, he was the cause of her appearing there with him a dozen nights in the month. it even happened that, seeing her home at such times, he occasionally went in with her to finish, as he called it, the evening, and, the better to make his point, sat down to the frugal but always careful little supper that awaited his pleasure. his point was made, he thought, by his not eternally insisting with her on himself; made for instance, at such hours, when it befell that, her piano at hand and each of them familiar with it, they went over passages of the opera together. it chanced to be on one of these occasions, however, that he reminded her of her not having answered a certain question he had put to her during the talk that had taken place between them on her last birthday. “what is it that saves you?”—saved her, he meant, from that appearance of variation from the usual human type. if he had practically escaped remark, as she pretended, by doing, in the most important particular, what most men do—find the answer to life in patching up an alliance of a sort with a woman no better than himself—how had she escaped it, and how could the alliance, such as it was, since they must suppose it had been more or less noticed, have failed to make her rather positively talked about?
“i never said,” may bartram replied, “that it hadn’t made me a good deal talked about.”
“ah well then you’re not ‘saved.’”
“it hasn’t been a question for me. if you’ve had your woman i’ve had,” she said, “my man.”
“and you mean that makes you all right?”
oh it was always as if there were so much to say!
“i don’t know why it shouldn’t make me—humanly, which is what we’re speaking of—as right as it makes you.”
“i see,” marcher returned. “‘humanly,’ no doubt, as showing that you’re living for something. not, that is, just for me and my secret.”
may bartram smiled. “i don’t pretend it exactly shows that i’m not living for you. it’s my intimacy with you that’s in question.”
he laughed as he saw what she meant. “yes, but since, as you say, i’m only, so far as people make out, ordinary, you’re—aren’t you? no more than ordinary either. you help me to pass for a man like another. so if i am, as i understand you, you’re not compromised. is that it?”
she had another of her waits, but she spoke clearly enough. “that’s it. it’s all that concerns me—to help you to pass for a man like another.”
he was careful to acknowledge the remark handsomely. “how kind, how beautiful, you are to me! how shall i ever repay you?”
she had her last grave pause, as if there might be a choice of ways. but she chose. “by going on as you are.”
it was into this going on as he was that they relapsed, and really for so long a time that the day inevitably came for a further sounding of their depths. these depths, constantly bridged over by a structure firm enough in spite of its lightness and of its occasional oscillation in the somewhat vertiginous air, invited on occasion, in the interest of their nerves, a dropping of the plummet and a measurement of the abyss. a difference had been made moreover, once for all, by the fact that she had all the while not appeared to feel the need of rebutting his charge of an idea within her that she didn’t dare to express—a charge uttered just before one of the fullest of their later discussions ended. it had come up for him then that she “knew” something and that what she knew was bad—too bad to tell him. when he had spoken of it as visibly so bad that she was afraid he might find it out, her reply had left the matter too equivocal to be let alone and yet, for marcher’s special sensibility, almost too formidable again to touch. he circled about it at a distance that alternately narrowed and widened and that still wasn’t much affected by the consciousness in him that there was nothing she could “know,” after all, any better than he did. she had no source of knowledge he hadn’t equally—except of course that she might have finer nerves. that was what women had where they were interested; they made out things, where people were concerned, that the people often couldn’t have made out for themselves. their nerves, their sensibility, their imagination, were conductors and revealers, and the beauty of may bartram was in particular that she had given herself so to his case. he felt in these days what, oddly enough, he had never felt before, the growth of a dread of losing her by some catastrophe—some catastrophe that yet wouldn’t at all be the catastrophe: partly because she had almost of a sudden begun to strike him as more useful to him than ever yet, and partly by reason of an appearance of uncertainty in her health, co-incident and equally new. it was characteristic of the inner detachment he had hitherto so successfully cultivated and to which our whole account of him is a reference, it was characteristic that his complications, such as they were, had never yet seemed so as at this crisis to thicken about him, even to the point of making him ask himself if he were, by any chance, of a truth, within sight or sound, within touch or reach, within the immediate jurisdiction, of the thing that waited.
when the day came, as come it had to, that his friend confessed to him her fear of a deep disorder in her blood, he felt somehow the shadow of a change and the chill of a shock. he immediately began to imagine aggravations and disasters, and above all to think of her peril as the direct menace for himself of personal privation. this indeed gave him one of those partial recoveries of equanimity that were agreeable to him—it showed him that what was still first in his mind was the loss she herself might suffer. “what if she should have to die before knowing, before seeing—?” it would have been brutal, in the early stages of her trouble, to put that question to her; but it had immediately sounded for him to his own concern, and the possibility was what most made him sorry for her. if she did “know,” moreover, in the sense of her having had some—what should he think?—mystical irresistible light, this would make the matter not better, but worse, inasmuch as her original adoption of his own curiosity had quite become the basis of her life. she had been living to see what would be to be seen, and it would quite lacerate her to have to give up before the accomplishment of the vision. these reflexions, as i say, quickened his generosity; yet, make them as he might, he saw himself, with the lapse of the period, more and more disconcerted. it lapsed for him with a strange steady sweep, and the oddest oddity was that it gave him, independently of the threat of much inconvenience, almost the only positive surprise his career, if career it could be called, had yet offered him. she kept the house as she had never done; he had to go to her to see her—she could meet him nowhere now, though there was scarce a corner of their loved old london in which she hadn’t in the past, at one time or another, done so; and he found her always seated by her fire in the deep old-fashioned chair she was less and less able to leave. he had been struck one day, after an absence exceeding his usual measure, with her suddenly looking much older to him than he had ever thought of her being; then he recognised that the suddenness was all on his side—he had just simply and suddenly noticed. she looked older because inevitably, after so many years, she was old, or almost; which was of course true in still greater measure of her companion. if she was old, or almost, john marcher assuredly was, and yet it was her showing of the lesson, not his own, that brought the truth home to him. his surprises began here; when once they had begun they multiplied; they came rather with a rush: it was as if, in the oddest way in the world, they had all been kept back, sown in a thick cluster, for the late afternoon of life, the time at which for people in general the unexpected has died out.
one of them was that he should have caught himself—for he had so done—really wondering if the great accident would take form now as nothing more than his being condemned to see this charming woman, this admirable friend, pass away from him. he had never so unreservedly qualified her as while confronted in thought with such a possibility; in spite of which there was small doubt for him that as an answer to his long riddle the mere effacement of even so fine a feature of his situation would be an abject anticlimax. it would represent, as connected with his past attitude, a drop of dignity under the shadow of which his existence could only become the most grotesques of failures. he had been far from holding it a failure—long as he had waited for the appearance that was to make it a success. he had waited for quite another thing, not for such a thing as that. the breath of his good faith came short, however, as he recognised how long he had waited, or how long at least his companion had. that she, at all events, might be recorded as having waited in vain—this affected him sharply, and all the more because of his at first having done little more than amuse himself with the idea. it grew more grave as the gravity of her condition grew, and the state of mind it produced in him, which he himself ended by watching as if it had been some definite disfigurement of his outer person, may pass for another of his surprises. this conjoined itself still with another, the really stupefying consciousness of a question that he would have allowed to shape itself had he dared. what did everything mean—what, that is, did she mean, she and her vain waiting and her probable death and the soundless admonition of it all—unless that, at this time of day, it was simply, it was overwhelmingly too late? he had never at any stage of his queer consciousness admitted the whisper of such a correction; he had never till within these last few months been so false to his conviction as not to hold that what was to come to him had time, whether he struck himself as having it or not. that at last, at last, he certainly hadn’t it, to speak of, or had it but in the scantiest measure—such, soon enough, as things went with him, became the inference with which his old obsession had to reckon: and this it was not helped to do by the more and more confirmed appearance that the great vagueness casting the long shadow in which he had lived had, to attest itself, almost no margin left. since it was in time that he was to have met his fate, so it was in time that his fate was to have acted; and as he waked up to the sense of no longer being young, which was exactly the sense of being stale, just as that, in turn, was the sense of being weak, he waked up to another matter beside. it all hung together; they were subject, he and the great vagueness, to an equal and indivisible law. when the possibilities themselves had accordingly turned stale, when the secret of the gods had grown faint, had perhaps even quite evaporated, that, and that only, was failure. it wouldn’t have been failure to be bankrupt, dishonoured, pilloried, hanged; it was failure not to be anything. and so, in the dark valley into which his path had taken its unlooked-for twist, he wondered not a little as he groped. he didn’t care what awful crash might overtake him, with what ignominy or what monstrosity he might yet be associated—since he wasn’t after all too utterly old to suffer—if it would only be decently proportionate to the posture he had kept, all his life, in the threatened presence of it. he had but one desire left—that he shouldn’t have been “sold.”
