while i rejoiced in the thought that i might now, and so easily, become a successful comic opera librettist, and a poet besides, still i found myself for the most part in a very gloomy frame of mind. one of the things that grieved me intensely, as i have said, was the sight of bitter poverty and failure, and the fact that i personally was not one of those solid commercial figures of which st. louis was full at this time. they filled the great hotels, the clubs, the mansions, the social positions of importance. they were free, as i foolishly thought, to indulge in all those luxuries and pleasures which, as i so sadly saw, the poor were not privileged to enjoy, myself included. just about that time there was something about a commercial institution—its exterior simplicity and bareness, the thrash of its inward life, its suggestion of energy, force, compulsion and need—which invariably held me spellbound. despite my literary and artistic ambitions, i still continued to think it essential, to me, and to all men for that matter if they were to have any force and dignity in this world, that each and every one should be in control of something of this kind, something commercially and financially successful. and what was i—a pale sprout of a newspaper man, possibly an editor or author in the future, but what more?
at times this state of mind tended to make me irritable and even savage instead of sad. i thought that my very generous benefactor, the great mccullagh, ought to see what an important man i was and give me at once the dramatic editorship free and clear of any other work, or at least combine it with something better than mere reporting. i ought to be allowed to do editorials or special work. again, my mind, although largely freed of catholic and religious dogma generally and the belief in the workability of the christian ideals as laid down in the sermon on the mount, was still swashing around among the idealistic maxims of christ and the religionists and moralists generally, contrasting them hourly, as it were, with the selfish materialism of the day as i saw it. look at the strong men at the top, i was constantly saying to myself, so comfortable, so indifferent, so cruelly dull. how i liked to flail them with maxims excerpted from christ! those large districts south of the business heart, along the river and elsewhere, which nightly or weekly wood, mccord and myself were investigating and which were crowded with the unfit, the unsuccessful, the unhappy—how they haunted me and how i attempted (in my mind, of course) to indict society and comfort them with the poetic if helpless words of the beatitudes and the sermon on the mount: “blessed are the poor,” etc. betimes, interviewing one important citizen and another, i gained the impression that they truly despised any one who was poor, that they did not give him or his fate a second thought; and betimes i was right—other times wrong. but having been reared on maxims relative to christian duty i thought they should devote their all to the poor. this failure on their part seemed terrible to me, for having been taught to believe in the sermon on the mount i thought they—not myself, for instance—were the ones to make it work out. mr. mccullagh had begun sending me out of town on various news stories, which was in itself the equivalent of a traveling correspondentship and might readily have led to my being officially recognized as such if i had remained there long enough. trials of murder cases in st. joseph and hannibal, threatened floods in lower illinois, and train robberies (common occurrences in this region, either between st. louis and kansas city, or st. louis and louisville) made it necessary for me to make arrangements with hazard or wood to carry on my dramatic work while i went about these tasks; a necessity which i partly relished and partly disliked, being uncertain as to which was the more important task to me.
however, i was far from satisfied. i was too restless and dissatisfied. life, life, life, its contrasts, disappointments, lacks, enticements, was always prodding me. the sun might shine brightly, the winds of fortune blow favorably. nevertheless, though i might enjoy both, there was always this undertone of something that was not happiness. i was not placed right. i was not this, i was not that. life was slipping away fast (and i was twenty-one!). i could see the tiny sands of my little life’s hourglass sifting down, and what was i achieving? soon the strength time, the love time, the gay time, of color and romance, would be gone, and if i had not spent it fully, joyously, richly what would there be left for me then? the joys of a mythical heaven or hereafter played no part in my calculations. when one was dead one was dead for all time. hence the reason for the heartbreak over failure here and now; the awful tragedy of a love lost, a youth never properly enjoyed. think of living and yet not living in so thrashing a world as this, the best of one’s hours passing unused or not properly used. think of seeing this tinkling phantasmagoria of pain and pleasure, beauty and all its sweets, go by, and yet being compelled to be a bystander, a mere onlooker, enhungered but never satisfied! in this mood i worked on, doing sometimes good work because i was temporarily fascinated and entertained, at other times grumbling and dawdling and moaning over what seemed to me the horrible humdrum of it all.
one day, in just such a mood as this, i received the following final letter from alice, from whom i had not heard now in months:
“dear theo,
“tomorrow is my wedding-day. tomorrow at twelve. this may strike you as strange. well, i have waited—i don’t know how long—it has seemed like years to me—for some word, but i knew it was not to be. your last letter showed me that. i knew that you did not intend to return, and so i went back to mr. ——. i had to. what else have i to look forward to? you know how unhappy i am here with my family, now that you are gone, in spite of how much they care for me.
“oh, theo, you must think me foolish for writing this. i am ashamed of myself. still, i wanted to let you know, and to say good-bye, for although you have been indifferent i cannot bear any hard feelings toward you. i will make mr. —— a good wife. he understands i do not love him, but that i appreciate him. tomorrow i will marry him, unless—unless something happens. you ought not to have told me that you loved me, theo, unless you could have stayed with me. you have caused me so much pain.
“but i must say good-bye. this is the last letter i shall ever write you. don’t send my letters now—tear them up. it is too late. oh, if you only knew how hard it has been to bring myself to this!
“alice.”
i sat and stared at the floor after reading this. the pain i had caused was a heavy weight. the implication that if i would come to chicago before noon of this day, or telegraph for her to delay, was too much. what if i should go to chicago and get her—then what? to her it would be a beautiful thing, the height of romance, saving her from a cruel or dreary fate; but what of me? should i be happy? was my profession or my present restless and uncertain state of mind anything to base a marriage on? i knew it was not.... i also knew that alice, in spite of my great sadness and affection for her, was really nothing more to me than a passing bit of beauty, charming in itself but of no great import to me. i was sad for her and for myself, saddest because of that chief characteristic of mine and of life which will not let anything endure permanently: love, wealth, fame. i was too restless, too changeful. there rose before me a picture of my finances as compared with what they ought to be, and of any future in marriage based on it. actually, as i looked at it then, it was more the fault of life than mine.
these thoughts, balancing with the wish i had for greater advancement, caused me as usual to hesitate. but i was in no danger of doing anything impulsive: there was no great impelling passion in this. it was mere sentiment, growing more and more roseate and less and less operative. i groaned inwardly, but night came and the next day, and i had not answered. at noon alice had been married, as she afterward told me—years afterward, when the fire was all gone and this romance was ended forever.
