possibly it was the brightness and freshness of this first day, the romance of an international fair in america, the snowy whiteness of the buildings against the morning sun, a blue sky and a bluer lake, the lagoons weaving in and out, achieving a lightness and an airiness wholly at war with anything that this western world had as yet presented, which caused me to be swept into a dream from which i did not recover for months. i walked away a little space with my friend of the night before, learning more of her home and environment. as i saw her now, she seemed more and more natural, winsome, inviting. humor seemed a part of her, and romance, as well as understanding and patience, a quiet and restful and undisturbed patience. i liked her immensely. she seemed from the first to offer me an understanding and a sympathy which i had never yet realized in any one. she smiled at my humor, appreciated my moods. returning to my room late in the afternoon i was conscious of a difficult task, what to write that was worth while, and yet so deeply moved by it all that i could have clapped my hands for joy. i wanted to versify or describe it—a mood which youth will understand and maturity smile at, which causes the mind to sing, to set forth on fantastic pilgrimages.
but if i wrote anything worth while i cannot now recall it. i was too eager to loaf and dream and do nothing at all, almost too idle to concentrate on what i had been called upon to do. i sent off something, a thousand or so words of drivel or rapture, and then settled to my real task of seeing the fair by night and by day. now that i was here i was cheered by the thought that very soon, within a day or two at most, i should be able to seek out and crow over all my old familiars, maxwell, dunlap, brady, hutchinson, a considerable group of newspaper men, as well as my brothers a—— and e——, who were here employed somewhere, and my father and several sisters.
for my father, who was now seventy-two years of age, i had, all of a sudden, as i have indicated above, the greatest sympathy. at home, up to my seventeenth or eighteenth birthday, before i got out in the world and began to make my own way, i had found him fussy, cranky, dosed with too much religion; but in spite of all this and the quarrels and bickerings which arose because of it there had always been something tender in his views, charming, poetic and appreciative. now i felt sorry for him. a little while before and after my mother’s death it had seemed to me that he had become unduly wild on the subject of the church and the hereafter, was annoying us all with his persistent preachments concerning duty, economy and the like, the need of living a clean, saving, religious life. now, after a year out in the world, with a broadening knowledge of very different things, i saw him in an entirely different light. while realizing that he was irritable, crotchety, domineering, i suddenly saw him as just a broken old man whose hopes and ambitions had come to nothing, whose religion, impossible as it was to me, was still a comfort and a blessing to him. here he was, alone, his wife dead, his children scattered and not very much interested in him any more.
now that i was here in the city again, i decided that as soon as i could arrange my other affairs i would go over on the west side and look him up and bring him to see the fair, which of course he had not seen. for i knew that with his saving, worrying, almost penurious disposition he would not be able to bring himself to endure the expense, even though tickets were provided him, of visiting the fair alone. he had had too much trouble getting enough to live on in these latter years to permit him to enjoy anything which cost money. i could hear him saying: “no, no. i cannot afford it. we have too many debts.” he had not always been so but time and many troubles had made the saving of money almost a mania with him.
the next morning, therefore, i journeyed to the west side and finally found him quite alone, as it chanced, the other members of the family then living with him having gone out. i shall never forget how old he looked after my year’s absence, how his eyelids twitched. after a slightly quizzical and attempted hard examining glance at me his lips twitched and tears welled to his eyes. he was so utterly done for, as he knew, and dependent on the courtesy of his children and life. i cried myself and rubbed his hands and his hair, then told him that i was doing well and had come to take him to see the fair, that i had tickets—a passbook, no less—and that it shouldn’t cost him a penny. naturally he was surprised and glad to see me, so anxious to know if i still adhered to the catholic faith and went to confession and communion regularly. in the old days this had been the main bone of contention between us.
“tell me, dorsch,” he said not two minutes after i arrived, “do you still keep up your church duties?”
when i hesitated for a moment, uncertain what to say, he went on: “you ought to do that, you know. if you should die in a state of mortal sin——”
“yes, yes,” i interrupted, making up my mind to give him peace on this score if i never did another thing in this world, “i always go right along, once every month or six weeks.”
“you really do that, do you?” he asked, eyeing me more in appeal than doubt, though judging by my obstinate past he must have doubted.
“yes,” i insisted, “sure. i always go regularly.”
“i’m glad of that,” he went on hopefully. “i worry so. i think of you and the rest of the children so much. you’re a young man now and out in the world, and if you neglect your religious duties——” and he paused as if in a grave quandary. “when you’re out like that i know it’s hard to think of the church and your duties, but you shouldn’t neglect them——”
“oh, lord!” i thought. “now he’s off again! this is the same old story—religion, religion, religion!”
“but i do go,” i insisted. “you mustn’t worry about me.”
“i know,” he said, with a sudden catch in his voice, “but i can’t help it. you know how it is with the other children: they don’t always do right in that respect. paul is away on the stage; i don’t know whether he goes to church any more. a—— and e—— are here, but they don’t come here much—i haven’t seen them in i don’t know how long—months——”
i resolved to plead with e—— and a—— when i saw them.
he was sitting in a big armchair facing a rear window, and now he took my hand again and held it. soon i felt hot tears on it.
“pop,” i said, pulling his head against me and smoothing it, “you mustn’t cry. things aren’t so bad as all that. the children are all right. we’ll probably be able to do better and more for you than we’ve ever done.”
“i know, i know,” he said after a little while, overcoming his emotion, “but i’m getting so old, and i don’t sleep much any more—just an hour or two. i lie there and think. in the morning i get up at four sometimes and make my coffee. then the days are so long.”
i cried too. the long days ... the fading interests ... mother gone and the family broken up....
“i know,” i said. “i haven’t acted just right—none of us have. i’ll write you from now on when i’m away, and send you some money once in a while. i’m going to get you a big overcoat for next winter. and now i want you to come over with me to the fair. i’ve tickets, and you’ll enjoy it. i’m a press representative now, a traveling correspondent. i’ll show you everything.”
after due persuasion he got his hat and stick and came with me. we took a car and an elevated road, which finally landed us at the gate, and then, for as long as his strength would endure, we wandered about looking at the enormous buildings, the great ferris wheel, the caravels nina, pinta and santa maria in which columbus sailed to america, the convent of la rabida (which, because it related to the trappists, fascinated him), and finally the german village on the midway, as german and ordentlich as ever a german would wish, where we had coffee and little german cakes with caraway seeds on them and some pot cheese with red pepper and onions. he was so interested and amused by the vast spectacle that he could do little save exclaim: “by crackie!” “this is now beautiful!” or “that is now wonderful!” in the german village he fell into a conversation with a buxom german frau who had a stand there and who hailed from some part of germany about which he seemed to know, and then all was well indeed. it was long before i could get him away. these delightful visits were repeated only about four times during my stay of two weeks, when he admitted that it was tiring and he had seen enough.
another morning when i had not too much to do i looked up my brother e——, who was driving a laundry wagon somewhere on the south side, and got him to come out evenings and sundays, as well as a——, who was connected with an electric plant as assistant of some kind. i recall now, with an odd feeling as to the significance of relationship and family ties generally, how keenly important his and e——’s interests were to me then and how i suffered because i thought they were not getting along as well as they should. looking in a shoe window in pittsburgh a year or two later, i actually choked with emotion because i thought that maybe e—— did not earn enough to keep himself looking well. a—— always seemed more or less thwarted in his ambitions, and whenever i saw him i felt sad because, like so many millions of others in this grinding world, he had never had a real chance. life is so casual, and luck comes to many who sleep and flies from those who try. i always felt that under more advantageous circumstances a—— would have done well. he was so wise, if slightly cynical, full of a laughing humor. his taste for literature and artistic things in general was high, although entirely untrained. like myself he had a turn for the problems of nature, constantly wondering as to the why of this or that and seeking the answer in a broader knowledge. but long hours of work and poor pay seemed to handicap him in his search. i was sad beyond words about his condition, and urged him to come to st. louis and try his luck there, which he subsequently did.
another thing i did was to visit the old globe office in fifth avenue downtown, only to find things in a bad way there. although brady, hutchinson and dunlap were still there the paper was not paying, was, in fact, in danger of immediate collapse. john b. macdonald, its financial backer or angel, having lost a fortune in trying to make it pay and win an election with it, was about ready to quit and the paper was on its last legs. could i get them jobs in st. louis? maxwell had gone to the tribune and was now a successful copy-reader there.... in my new summer suit and straw hat and with my various credentials, i felt myself to be quite a personage. how much better i had done than these men who had been in the business longer than i had! certainly i would see what i could do. they must write me. they could find me now at such-and-such a hotel.
the sweets of success!
in the newspaper press association offices in the great administration building several of my friends from the press showed up and here we foregathered to talk. daily in this building at eight or nine or ten at night i filed a report or message about one thousand words long and was pleased to see by the papers that arrived that my text was used about as i wrote it. loving the grounds of the fair so much, i browsed there nearly all day long and all evening, escorting now one girl and now another, but principally miss w—— and her sister. almost unconsciously i was being fascinated by these two, with my miss w—— the more; and yet i was not content to confine myself to her but was constantly looking here and there, being lured by a number of the others.
thus one afternoon, after i had visited the administration building and filed my dispatch rather early, miss w—— having been unable to be with me at the fair, i returned to the hotel, a little weary of sightseeing, and finding an upper balcony which faced the fair sat there in a rocker awaiting the return of some of the party. presently, as i was resting and humming to myself, there came down to the parlor, which adjoined this balcony, that rosy irish girl, miss ginity, who had attracted me the very first morning. she seemed to be seeking that room in order to sing and play, there being a piano here. she was dressed in a close-fitting suit of white linen, which set off her robust little figure to perfection. her heavy, oily black hair was parted severely in the middle and hung heavily over her white temples. she had a rich-blooded, healthy, aggressive look, not unmarked by desire.
i was looking through the window when she came in and was wondering if she would discover me, when she did. she smiled, and i waved to her to come out. we talked about the fair and my duties in connection with it. when i explained the nature of my dispatches she wanted to know if i had mentioned her name yet. i assured her that i had, and this pleased her. i had the feeling that she liked me and that i could influence her if i chose.
“what has become of your friend miss w——?” she finally asked with a touch of malice when i looked at her too kindly.
“i don’t know. i haven’t seen her since yesterday or the day before,” which was not true. “what makes you ask that?”
“oh, i thought you rather liked her,” she said boldly, throwing up her chin and smiling.
“and what made you think it?” i asked calmly. it was in my mind that i could master and deceive her as to this, and i proposed to try.
“oh, i just thought so. you seemed to like her company.”
“not any more than i do that of others,” i insisted with great assurance. “she’s interesting, that’s all. i didn’t think i was showing any preference.”
“oh, i’m just joking,” she laughed. “i really don’t think anything about it. one of the other girls made the remark.”
“well, she’s wrong,” i said indifferently.
but i could see that she wasn’t joking. i could also see that i had relieved her mind. my pose of indifference had quelled her feeling that i was not wholly free. we sat and talked until dinner, and then i asked her if she would like to go for a stroll in the park, to which she agreed. by now we were obviously drifting toward each other emotionally, and i thought how fine it would be to idle and dream with this girl in the moonlight.
after dinner, when we started out, the air was soft and balmy and the moon was just rising over the treetops in the east. a faint odor of fresh flowers and fresh leaves was abroad and the night seemed to rest in a soothing stillness. from the midway came the sounds of muffled drums and flutes, vibrant with the passion of the east. before us were the wide stretches of the park, dark and suggestive of intrigue where groups of trees were gathered in silent, motionless array, in others silvered by a fairy brightness which suggested a world of romance and feeling.
i walked silently on with her, flooded with a voiceless feeling of ecstasy. now i was surely proving to myself that i was not entirely helpless in the presence of girls. this time of idleness and moonlight was in such smooth consonance with my most romantic wishes. she was not so romantic, but the ardent luxury of her nature appeared to answer to the romantic call of mine.
“isn’t this wonderful?” i said at last, seeking to interest her.
“yes,” she replied, almost practically. “i’ve been wondering why some of the girls don’t come over here at night. it’s so wonderful. but i suppose they’re tired.”
“they’re not as strong as you, that’s it. you’re so vigorous. i was thinking today how healthy you look.”
“were you? and i was just thinking what my mother would say if she knew i was out here with a total stranger.”
“you told me you lived in st. louis, i think?” i said.
“yes, out in the north end. near o’fallon park.”
“well, then, i’ll get to see you when you go back,” i laughed.
“oh, will you?” she returned coquettishly. “how do you know?”
“well, won’t i?”
the thought flashed across my mind that once i had been in this selfsame park with alice several years before; we had sat under a tree not so very far from here, near a pagoda silvered by the moon, and had listened to music played in the distance. i remembered how i had whispered sweet nothings and kissed her to my heart’s content.
“well, you may if you’re good,” she replied.
i began jesting with her now. i deliberately descended from the ordinary reaches of my intelligence, anxious to match her own interests with some which would seem allied. i wanted her to like me, although i felt all the while that we were by no means suited temperamentally. she was too commonplace and unimaginative, although so attractive physically.
we sat in silence for a time, and i slipped my hand down and laid hold of her fingers. she did not stir, pretending not to notice, but i felt that she was thrilling also.
“you asked about miss w——,” i said. “what made you do that?”
“oh, i thought you liked her. why shouldn’t i?”
“it never occurred to you that i might like some one else?”
“certainly not. why should i?”
i pressed her fingers softly. she turned on me all at once a face so white and tense that it showed fully the feeling that now gripped her. it was almost as if she were breaking under an intense nervous strain which she was attempting to conceal.
“i thought you might,” i replied daringly. “there is some one, you know.” i was surprising myself.
“is there?” her voice sounded weak. she did not attempt to look at me now, and i was wondering how far i would go.
“you couldn’t guess, of course?”
“no. why should i?”
“look at me,” i said quietly.
“all right,” she said with a little indifferent shrug. “i’ll look at you. there now; what of it?”
again that intense, nervous, strained look. her lips were parted in a shy frightened smile, showing her pretty teeth. her eyes were touched with points of light where the moonlight, falling over my shoulder, shone upon them. it gave her whole face an eerie, almost spectral paleness, something mystical and insubstantial, which spoke of the brevity and non-endurance of all these things. she was far more wonderful here than ever she could have been in clear daylight.
“you have beautiful eyes,” i remarked.
“oh,” she shrugged disdainfully, “is that all?”
“no. you have beautiful teeth and hair—such hair!”
“you mustn’t grow sentimental,” she commented, not removing her hand.
i slipped my arm about her waist and she moved nervously.
“and you still can’t guess who?” i said finally.
“no,” she replied, keeping her face from me.
“then i’ll tell you,” and putting my free hand to her cheek i turned her face to me.
i studied her closely, and then in a moment the last shred of reluctance and coquetry in her seemed to evaporate. at the touch of my hand on her cheek she seemed to change: the whole power of her ardent nature was rising. at last she seemed to be yielding completely, and i put my lips to hers and kissed her warmly, then pressed her close and held her.
“now do you know?” i asked after a time.
“yes,” she nodded, and for a proffered kiss returned an ardent one of her own.
i was beside myself with astonishment and delight. for the life of me i could not explain to myself how it was that i had achieved this result so swiftly. something in the idyllic atmosphere, something in our temperaments, i fancied, made this quick spiritual and material understanding possible, but i wanted to know how. for a time we sat thus in the moonlight, i holding her hand and pressing her waist. yet i could not feel that i liked her beyond the charm of her physical appearance, but that was enough at present. physical beauty, with not too much grossness, was all i asked then—youth, a measure of innocence, and beauty. i pretended to have a real feeling for her and to be struck by her beauty, which was not wholly untrue. my feelings, however, as i well knew, were of so light and variable a character that it seemed almost a shame to lure her in this fashion. why had i done it? it was decidedly unfortunate for her, i now thought, that we two should now meet under the same roof, with miss w—— and others, perhaps making a third, fourth, or fifth possibly, but i anticipated no troublesome results. i might keep them apart. anyhow, if i could not, my relationship in either case had not become earnest enough to cause me to worry. i hoped, however, to make it so in the case of miss w——; miss ginity i knew from the first to be only a momentary flame.
