thus these days sped swiftly and ecstatically by. for once in my life i seemed to be truly and consistently happy, and that in this very city where but a year or two before i had suffered such keen distress. toward the middle of the second week miss ginity left for michigan, and then i had miss w—— all to myself. by now i had come to feel an intense interest in her, an elation over the mere thought of being with her. in addition to this joy my mind and body seemed to be responding in some ecstatic fashion to chicago and the fair as a whole, the romance and color of it all, the winelike quality of the air, the raw, fresh, young force of the city, so vividly manifested in its sounding streets, its towering new buildings, its far-flung lines of avenues and boulevards, and, by way of contrast, its vast regions of middle and lower class poor. when we lived here as a family i had always thought that poverty was no great hardship. the poor were poor enough, in all conscience, but oh, the singing hope of the city itself! up, up, and to work! here were tasks for a million hands. in spite of my attachment to the fair and miss ginity and miss w—— i was still lured cityward, to visit the streets in which we had once lived or where i had walked so much in the old days, mere journeys of remembrance.
but as i wandered about i realized that the city was not my city any more, that life was a baseless, shifting thing, its seeming ties uncertain and unstable and that that which one day we held dear was tomorrow gone, to come no more. how plain it was, i thought and with some surprise, so ignorant is youth, that even seemingly brisk organizations such as the globe here in chicago and some others with which i had been connected could wither or disappear completely, one’s commercial as well as one’s family life be scattered to the four winds. sensing this, i now felt an intense sense of loneliness and homesickness, for what i could scarcely say: for each and every one of past pleasant moments, i presume, our abandoned home in flournoy street, now rented to another; my old desk at the globe, now occupied by another; alice’s former home on this south side; n——’s in indiana street. i was gloomy over having no fixed abode, no intimates worthy the name here who could soothe and comfort me in such an hour as this. curiously enough, at such moments i felt an intense leaning toward miss w——, who seemed to answer with something stable and abiding. i am at a loss even now to describe it but so it was, and it was more than anything else a sense of peace and support which i found in her presence, a something that suggested durability and warmth—possibly the whole closely-knit family atmosphere which was behind her and upon which she relied. she would listen, apparently with interest, to all my youthful and no doubt bragging accounts of my former newspaper experiences here as well as in st. louis, which i painted in high colors with myself as a newspaper man deep in the councils of my paper. walking about the fair grounds one night i wished to take her hand but so overawed was i by her personality that i could scarcely muster up the courage to do it. when i at last did she shyly withdrew her hand, pretending not to notice.
the same thing happened an evening or two later when i persuaded her and her sister to accompany me and a fellow-reporter whom i met in chicago, to lincoln park, where was a band concert and the playing of a colored fountain given by the late c. t. yerkes, then looked upon as one of the sights of the city. i recall how warm and clear was the evening, our trip northward on the newly-built “alley l,” so-called because no public thoroughfare could be secured for it, how when we got off at congress street, where the enormous store of siegel, cooper & company had only recently been opened, we there took a surface cable to lincoln park. it was barely dusk when we reached the park, and the fountain did not play until nine; but pending its colored wonders, we walked along the shore of the lake in the darkness, alone, her sister and my friend having been swallowed up in the great crowd.
once near the lake shore we were alone. i found myself desperately interested without knowing how to proceed. it was a state of hypnosis, i fancy, in which i felt myself to be rapturously happy because more or less convinced of her feeling for me, and yet gravely uncertain as to whether she would ever permit herself to be ensnared in love. she was so poised and serene, so stable and yet so tender. i felt foolish, unworthy. were not the crude brutalities of love too much for her? she might like me now, but the slightest error on my part in word or deed would no doubt drive her away and i should never see her again. i wanted to put my arm about her waist or hold her hand, but it was all beyond me then. she seemed too remote, a little unreal.
finally, moved by the idyllic quality of it all, i left her and strolled down to the very edge of the lake where the water was lapping the sand. i had the feeling that if she really cared for me she would follow me, but she did not. she waited sedately on the rise above, but i felt all the while that she was drawing toward me intensely and holding me as in a vise. half-angry but still fascinated, i returned, anything but the master of this situation. in truth, she had me as completely in tow as any woman could wish and was able, consciously or unconsciously, to regulate the progress of this affair to suit herself.
but nothing came of this except a deeper feeling of her exceptional charm. i was more than ever moved by her grace and force. what sobriety! what delicacy of feature! her big eyes, soft and appealing, her small red mouth, her abundance of red hair, a constant enticement.
before she left for her home, one of the inland counties about ninety miles from st. louis, all that was left of the party, which was not many, paid a visit to st. joe on the michigan shore, opposite chicago. it was a deliciously bright and warm sunday. the steamers were comfortable and the beach at st. joe perfect, a long coast of lovely white sand with the blue waves breaking over it. en route, because of the size of the party and the accidental arrangement of friends, i was thrown in with r——, the sister of my adored one, and in spite of myself, i found myself being swiftly drawn to her, desperately so, and that in the face of the strong attachment for her sister. there was something so cheering and whole-souled about her point of view, something so provoking and elusive, a veritable sprite of gayety and humor. for some reason, both on the boat and in the water, she devoted herself to me, until she seemed suddenly to realize what was happening to us both. then she desisted and i saw her no more, or very little of her; but the damage had been done. i was intensely moved by her, even dreaming of changing my attentions; but she was too fond of her sister to allow anything like that. from then on she avoided me, with the sole intent, as i could see, of not injuring her sister.
we returned at night, i with the most troubled feelings about the whole affair, and it was only after i had returned to st. louis that the old feeling for s—— came back and i began to see and think of her as i had that night in lincoln park. then her charm seemed to come with full force and for days i could think of nothing else: the fair, the hotel, the evening walks, and what she was doing now; but even this was shot through with the most jumbled thoughts of her sister and miss ginity.... i leave it to those who can to solve this mystery of the affections. miss w——, as i understood it, was not to come back to st. louis until the late autumn, when she could be found in an aristocratic suburb about twenty miles out, teaching of course, whereas miss ginity was little more than a half-hour’s ride from my room.
but, as i now ruefully thought, i had not troubled to look up alice, although once she had meant so much of chicago and happiness to me. what kind of man was i to become thus indifferent and then grieve over it?
