nor have i ever regretted those months of mad devilry i put in with nelson. he could sail, even if he did frighten every man that sailed with him. to steer to miss destruction by an inch or an instant was his joy. to do what everybody else did not dare attempt to do, was his pride. never to reef down was his mania, and in all the time i spent with him, blow high or low, the reindeer was never reefed. nor was she ever dry. we strained her open and sailed her open and sailed her open continually. and we abandoned the oakland water-front and went wider afield for our adventures.
and all this glorious passage in my life was made possible for me by john barleycorn. and this is my complaint against john barleycorn. here i was, thirsting for the wild life of adventure, and the only way for me to win to it was through john barleycorn's mediation. it was the way of the men who lived the life. did i wish to live the life, i must live it the way they did. it was by virtue of drinking that i gained that partnership and comradeship with nelson. had i drunk only the beer he paid for, or had i declined to drink at all, i should never have been selected by him as a partner. he wanted a partner who would meet him on the social side, as well as the work side of life.
i abandoned myself to the life, and developed the misconception that the secret of john barleycorn lay in going on mad drunks, rising through the successive stages that only an iron constitution could endure to final stupefaction and swinish unconsciousness. i did not like the taste, so i drank for the sole purpose of getting drunk, of getting hopelessly, helplessly drunk. and i, who had saved and scraped, traded like a shylock and made junkmen weep; i, who had stood aghast when french frank, at a single stroke, spent eighty cents for whisky for eight men, i turned myself loose with a more lavish disregard for money than any of them.
i remember going ashore one night with nelson. in my pocket were one hundred and eighty dollars. it was my intention, first, to buy me some clothes, after that, some drinks. i needed the clothes. all i possessed were on me, and they were as follows: a pair of sea-boots that providentially leaked the water out as fast as it ran in, a pair of fifty-cent overalls, a forty-cent cotton shirt, and a sou'wester. i had no hat, so i had to wear the sou'wester, and it will be noted that i have listed neither underclothes nor socks. i didn't own any.
to reach the stores where clothes could be bought, we had to pass a dozen saloons. so i bought me the drinks first. i never got to the clothing stores. in the morning, broke, poisoned, but contented, i came back on board, and we set sail. i possessed only the clothes i had gone ashore in, and not a cent remained of the one hundred and eighty dollars. it might well be deemed impossible, by those who have never tried it, that in twelve hours a lad can spend all of one hundred and eighty dollars for drinks. i know otherwise.
and i had no regrets. i was proud. i had shown them i could spend with the best of them. amongst strong men i had proved myself strong. i had clinched again, as i had often clinched, my right to the title of "prince." also, my attitude may be considered, in part, as a reaction from my childhood's meagreness and my childhood's excessive toil. possibly my inchoate thought was: better to reign among booze-fighters a prince than to toil twelve hours a day at a machine for ten cents an hour. there are no purple passages in machine toil. but if the spending of one hundred and eighty dollars in twelve hours isn't a purple passage, then i'd like to know what is.
oh, i skip much of the details of my trafficking with john barleycorn during this period, and shall only mention events that will throw light on john barleycorn's ways. there were three things that enabled me to pursue this heavy drinking: first, a magnificent constitution far better than the average; second, the healthy open-air life on the water; and third, the fact that i drank irregularly. while out on the water, we never carried any drink along.
the world was opening up to me. already i knew several hundred miles of the water-ways of it, and of the towns and cities and fishing hamlets on the shores. came the whisper to range farther. i had not found it yet. there was more behind. but even this much of the world was too wide for nelson. he wearied for his beloved oakland water-front, and when he elected to return to it we separated in all friendliness.
i now made the old town of benicia, on the carquinez straits, my headquarters. in a cluster of fishermen's arks, moored in the tules on the water-front, dwelt a congenial crowd of drinkers and vagabonds, and i joined them. i had longer spells ashore, between fooling with salmon fishing and making raids up and down bay and rivers as a deputy fish patrolman, and i drank more and learned more about drinking. i held my own with any one, drink for drink; and often drank more than my share to show the strength of my manhood. when, on a morning, my unconscious carcass was disentangled from the nets on the drying-frames, whither i had stupidly, blindly crawled the night before; and when the water-front talked it over with many a giggle and laugh and another drink, i was proud indeed. it was an exploit.
and when i never drew a sober breath, on one stretch, for three solid weeks, i was certain i had reached the top. surely, in that direction, one could go no farther. it was time for me to move on. for always, drunk or sober, at the back of my consciousness something whispered that this carousing and bay-adventuring was not all of life. this whisper was my good fortune. i happened to be so made that i could hear it calling, always calling, out and away over the world. it was not canniness on my part. it was curiosity, desire to know, an unrest and a seeking for things wonderful that i seemed somehow to have glimpsed or guessed. what was this life for, i demanded, if this were all? no; there was something more, away and beyond. (and, in relation to my much later development as a drinker, this whisper, this promise of the things at the back of life, must be noted, for it was destined to play a dire part in my more recent wrestlings with john barleycorn.)
but what gave immediacy to my decision to move on was a trick john barleycorn played me—a monstrous, incredible trick that showed abysses of intoxication hitherto undreamed. at one o'clock in the morning, after a prodigious drunk, i was tottering aboard a sloop at the end of the wharf, intending to go to sleep. the tides sweep through carquinez straits as in a mill-race, and the full ebb was on when i stumbled overboard. there was nobody on the wharf, nobody on the sloop. i was borne away by the current. i was not startled. i thought the misadventure delightful. i was a good swimmer, and in my inflamed condition the contact of the water with my skin soothed me like cool linen.
and then john barleycorn played me his maniacal trick. some maundering fancy of going out with the tide suddenly obsessed me. i had never been morbid. thoughts of suicide had never entered my head. and now that they entered, i thought it fine, a splendid culminating, a perfect rounding off of my short but exciting career. i, who had never known girl's love, nor woman's love, nor the love of children; who had never played in the wide joy-fields of art, nor climbed the star-cool heights of philosophy, nor seen with my eyes more than a pin-point's surface of the gorgeous world; i decided that this was all, that i had seen all, lived all, been all, that was worth while, and that now was the time to cease. this was the trick of john barleycorn, laying me by the heels of my imagination and in a drug-dream dragging me to death.
oh, he was convincing. i had really experienced all of life, and it didn't amount to much. the swinish drunkenness in which i had lived for months (this was accompanied by the sense of degradation and the old feeling of conviction of sin) was the last and best, and i could see for myself what it was worth. there were all the broken-down old bums and loafers i had bought drinks for. that was what remained of life. did i want to become like them? a thousand times no; and i wept tears of sweet sadness over my glorious youth going out with the tide. (and who has not seen the weeping drunk, the melancholic drunk? they are to be found in all the bar-rooms, if they can find no other listener telling their sorrows to the barkeeper, who is paid to listen.)
the water was delicious. it was a man's way to die. john barleycorn changed the tune he played in my drink-maddened brain. away with tears and regret. it was a hero's death, and by the hero's own hand and will. so i struck up my death-chant and was singing it lustily, when the gurgle and splash of the current-riffles in my ears reminded me of my more immediate situation.
below the town of benicia, where the solano wharf projects, the straits widen out into what bay-farers call the "bight of turner's shipyard." i was in the shore-tide that swept under the solano wharf and on into the bight. i knew of old the power of the suck which developed when the tide swung around the end of dead man's island and drove straight for the wharf. i didn't want to go through those piles. it wouldn't be nice, and i might lose an hour in the bight on my way out with the tide.
i undressed in the water and struck out with a strong, single-overhand stroke, crossing the current at right-angles. nor did i cease until, by the wharf lights, i knew i was safe to sweep by the end. then i turned over and rested. the stroke had been a telling one, and i was a little time in recovering my breath.
i was elated, for i had succeeded in avoiding the suck. i started to raise my death-chant again—a purely extemporised farrago of a drug-crazed youth. "don't sing—yet," whispered john barleycorn. "the solano runs all night. there are railroad men on the wharf. they will hear you, and come out in a boat and rescue you, and you don't want to be rescued." i certainly didn't. what? be robbed of my hero's death? never. and i lay on my back in the starlight, watching the familiar wharf-lights go by, red and green and white, and bidding sad sentimental farewell to them, each and all.
when i was well clear, in mid-channel, i sang again. sometimes i swam a few strokes, but in the main i contented myself with floating and dreaming long drunken dreams. before daylight, the chill of the water and the passage of the hours had sobered me sufficiently to make me wonder what portion of the straits i was in, and also to wonder if the turn of the tide wouldn't catch me and take me back ere i had drifted out into san pablo bay.
next i discovered that i was very weary and very cold, and quite sober, and that i didn't in the least want to be drowned. i could make out the selby smelter on the contra costa shore and the mare island lighthouse. i started to swim for the solano shore, but was too weak and chilled, and made so little headway, and at the cost of such painful effort, that i gave it up and contented myself with floating, now and then giving a stroke to keep my balance in the tide-rips which were increasing their commotion on the surface of the water. and i knew fear. i was sober now, and i didn't want to die. i discovered scores of reasons for living. and the more reasons i discovered, the more liable it seemed that i was going to drown anyway.
daylight, after i had been four hours in the water, found me in a parlous condition in the tide-rips off mare island light, where the swift ebbs from vallejo straits and carquinez straits were fighting with each other, and where, at that particular moment, they were fighting the flood tide setting up against them from san pablo bay. a stiff breeze had sprung up, and the crisp little waves were persistently lapping into my mouth, and i was beginning to swallow salt water. with my swimmer's knowledge, i knew the end was near. and then the boat came—a greek fisherman running in for vallejo; and again i had been saved from john barleycorn by my constitution and physical vigour.
and, in passing, let me note that this maniacal trick john barleycorn played me is nothing uncommon. an absolute statistic of the percentage of suicides due to john barleycorn would be appalling. in my case, healthy, normal, young, full of the joy of life, the suggestion to kill myself was unusual; but it must be taken into account that it came on the heels of a long carouse, when my nerves and brain were fearfully poisoned, and that the dramatic, romantic side of my imagination, drink-maddened to lunacy, was delighted with the suggestion. and yet, the older, more morbid drinkers, more jaded with life and more disillusioned, who kill themselves, do so usually after a long debauch, when their nerves and brains are thoroughly poison-soaked.
