all that night saxon lay, unsleeping, without taking off her clothes, and when she arose in the morning and washed her face and dressed her hair she was aware of a strange numbness, of a feeling of constriction about her head as if it were bound by a heavy band of iron. it seemed like a dull pressure upon her brain. it was the beginning of an illness that she did not know as illness. all she knew was that she felt queer. it was not fever. it was not cold. her bodily health was as it should be, and, when she thought about it, she put her condition down to nerves—nerves, according to her ideas and the ideas of her class, being unconnected with disease.
she had a strange feeling of loss of self, of being a stranger to herself, and the world in which she moved seemed a vague and shrouded world. it lacked sharpness of definition. its customary vividness was gone. she had lapses of memory, and was continually finding herself doing unplanned things. thus, to her astonishment, she came to in the back yard hanging up the week's wash. she had no recollection of having done it, yet it had been done precisely as it should have been done. she had boiled the sheets and pillow-slips and the table linen. billy's woolens had been washed in warm water only, with the home-made soap, the recipe of which mercedes had given her. on investigation, she found she had eaten a mutton chop for breakfast. this meant that she had been to the butcher shop, yet she had no memory of having gone. curiously, she went into the bedroom. the bed was made up and everything in order.
at twilight she came upon herself in the front room, seated by the window, crying in an ecstasy of joy. at first she did not know what this joy was; then it came to her that it was because she had lost her baby. “a blessing, a blessing,” she was chanting aloud, wringing her hands, but with joy, she knew it was with joy that she wrung her hands.
the days came and went. she had little notion of time. sometimes, centuries agone, it seemed to her it was since billy had gone to jail. at other times it was no more than the night before. but through it all two ideas persisted: she must not go to see billy in jail; it was a blessing she had lost her baby.
once, bud strothers came to see her. she sat in the front room and talked with him, noting with fascination that there were fringes to the heels of his trousers. another day, the business agent of the union called. she told him, as she had told bud strothers, that everything was all right, that she needed nothing, that she could get along comfortably until billy came out.
a fear began to haunt her. when he came out. no; it must not be. there must not be another baby. it might live. no, no, a thousand times no. it must not be. she would run away first. she would never see billy again. anything but that. anything but that.
this fear persisted. in her nightmare-ridden sleep it became an accomplished fact, so that she would awake, trembling, in a cold sweat, crying out. her sleep had become wretched. sometimes she was convinced that she did not sleep at all, and she knew that she had insomnia, and remembered that it was of insomnia her mother had died.
she came to herself one day, sitting in doctor hentley's office. he was looking at her in a puzzled way.
“got plenty to eat?” he was asking.
she nodded.
“any serious trouble?”
she shook her head.
“everything's all right, doctor... except...”
“yes, yes,” he encouraged.
and then she knew why she had come. simply, explicitly, she told him. he shook his head slowly.
“it can't be done, little woman,” he said
“oh, but it can!” she cried. “i know it can.”
“i don't mean that,” he answered. “i mean i can't tell you. i dare not. it is against the law. there is a doctor in leavenworth prison right now for that.”
in vain she pleaded with him. he instanced his own wife and children whose existence forbade his imperiling.
“besides, there is no likelihood now,” he told her.
“but there will be, there is sure to be,” she urged.
but he could only shake his head sadly.
“why do you want to know?” he questioned finally.
saxon poured her heart out to him. she told of her first year of happiness with billy, of the hard times caused by the labor troubles, of the change in billy so that there was no love-life left, of her own deep horror. not if it died, she concluded. she could go through that again. but if it should live. billy would soon be out of jail, and then the danger would begin. it was only a few words. she would never tell any one. wild horses could not drag it out of her.
but doctor hentley continued to shake his head. “i can't tell you, little woman. it's a shame, but i can't take the risk. my hands are tied. our laws are all wrong. i have to consider those who are dear to me.”
it was when she got up to go that he faltered. “come here,” he said. “sit closer.”
he prepared to whisper in her ear, then, with a sudden excess of caution, crossed the room swiftly, opened the door, and looked out. when he sat down again he drew his chair so close to hers that the arms touched, and when he whispered his beard tickled her ear.
“no, no,” he shut her off when she tried to voice her gratitude. “i have told you nothing. you were here to consult me about your general health. you are run down, out of condition—”
as he talked he moved her toward the door. when he opened it, a patient for the dentist in the adjoining office was standing in the hall. doctor hentley lifted his voice.
“what you need is that tonic i prescribed. remember that. and don't pamper your appetite when it comes back. eat strong, nourishing food, and beefsteak, plenty of beefsteak. and don't cook it to a cinder. good day.”
at times the silent cottage became unendurable, and saxon would throw a shawl about her head and walk out the oakland mole, or cross the railroad yards and the marshes to sandy beach where billy had said he used to swim. also, by going out the transit slip, by climbing down the piles on a precarious ladder of iron spikes, and by crossing a boom of logs, she won access to the rock wall that extended far out into the bay and that served as a barrier between the mudflats and the tide-scoured channel of oakland estuary. here the fresh sea breezes blew and oakland sank down to a smudge of smoke behind her, while across the bay she could see the smudge that represented san francisco. ocean steamships passed up and down the estuary, and lofty-masted ships, towed by red-stacked tugs.
she gazed at the sailors on the ships, wondered on what far voyages and to what far lands they went, wondered what freedoms were theirs. or were they girt in by as remorseless and cruel a world as the dwellers in oakland were? were they as unfair, as unjust, as brutal, in their dealings with their fellows as were the city dwellers? it did not seem so, and sometimes she wished herself on board, out-bound, going anywhere, she cared not where, so long as it was away from the world to which she had given her best and which had trampled her in return.
she did not know always when she left the house, nor where her feet took her. once, she came to herself in a strange part of oakland. the street was wide and lined with rows of shade trees. velvet lawns, broken only by cement sidewalks, ran down to the gutters. the houses stood apart and were large. in her vocabulary they were mansions. what had shocked her to consciousness of herself was a young man in the driver's seat of a touring car standing at the curb. he was looking at her curiously and she recognized him as roy blanchard, whom, in front of the forum, billy had threatened to whip. beside the car, bareheaded, stood another young man. he, too, she remembered. he it was, at the sunday picnic where she first met billy, who had thrust his cane between the legs of the flying foot-racer and precipitated the free-for-all fight. like blanchard, he was looking at her curiously, and she became aware that she had been talking to herself. the babble of her lips still beat in her ears. she blushed, a rising tide of shame heating her face, and quickened her pace. blanchard sprang out of the car and came to her with lifted hat. “is anything the matter?” he asked.
she shook her head, and, though she had stopped, she evinced her desire to go on.
“i know you,” he said, studying her face. “you were with the striker who promised me a licking.”
“he is my husband,” she said.
“oh! good for him.” he regarded her pleasantly and frankly. “but about yourself? isn't there anything i can do for you? something is the matter.”
“no, i'm all right,” she answered. “i have been sick,” she lied; for she never dreamed of connecting her queerness with sickness.
“you look tired,” he pressed her. “i can take you in the machine and run you anywhere you want. it won't be any trouble. i've plenty of time.”
saxon shook her head.
“if... if you would tell me where i can catch the eighth street cars. i don't often come to this part of town.”
he told her where to find an electric car and what transfers to make, and she was surprised at the distance she had wandered.
“thank you,” she said. “and good bye.”
“sure i can't do anything now?”
“sure.”
“well, good bye,” he smiled good humoredly. “and tell that husband of yours to keep in good condition. i'm likely to make him need it all when he tangles up with me.”
“oh, but you can't fight with him,” she warned. “you mustn't. you haven't got a show.”
“good for you,” he admired. “that's the way for a woman to stand up for her man. now the average woman would be so afraid he was going to get licked—”
“but i'm not afraid... for him. it's for you. he's a terrible fighter. you wouldn't have any chance. it would be like... like...”
“like taking candy from a baby?” blanchard finished for her.
“yes,” she nodded. “that's just what he would call it. and whenever he tells you you are standing on your foot watch out for him. now i must go. good bye, and thank you again.”
she went on down the sidewalk, his cheery good bye ringing in her ears. he was kind—she admitted it honestly; yet he was one of the clever ones, one of the masters, who, according to billy, were responsible for all the cruelty to labor, for the hardships of the women, for the punishment of the labor men who were wearing stripes in san quentin or were in the death cells awaiting the scaffold. yet he was kind, sweet natured, clean, good. she could read his character in his face. but how could this be, if he were responsible for so much evil? she shook her head wearily. there was no explanation, no understanding of this world which destroyed little babes and bruised women's breasts.
as for her having strayed into that neighborhood of fine residences, she was unsurprised. it was in line with her queerness. she did so many things without knowing that she did them. but she must be careful. it was better to wander on the marshes and the rock wall.
especially she liked the rock wall. there was a freedom about it, a wide spaciousness that she found herself instinctively trying to breathe, holding her arms out to embrace and make part of herself. it was a more natural world, a more rational world. she could understand it—understand the green crabs with white-bleached claws that scuttled before her and which she could see pasturing on green-weeded rocks when the tide was low. here, hopelessly man-made as the great wall was, nothing seemed artificial. there were no men here, no laws nor conflicts of men. the tide flowed and ebbed; the sun rose and set; regularly each afternoon the brave west wind came romping in through the golden gate, darkening the water, cresting tiny wavelets, making the sailboats fly. everything ran with frictionless order. everything was free. firewood lay about for the taking. no man sold it by the sack. small boys fished with poles from the rocks, with no one to drive them away for trespass, catching fish as billy had caught fish, as cal hutchins had caught fish. billy had told her of the great perch cal hutchins caught on the day of the eclipse, when he had little dreamed the heart of his manhood would be spent in convict's garb.
and here was food, food that was free. she watched the small boys on a day when she had eaten nothing, and emulated them, gathering mussels from the rocks at low water, cooking them by placing them among the coals of a fire she built on top of the wall. they tasted particularly good. she learned to knock the small oysters from the rocks, and once she found a string of fresh-caught fish some small boy had forgotten to take home with him.
here drifted evidences of man's sinister handiwork—from a distance, from the cities. one flood tide she found the water covered with muskmelons. they bobbed and bumped along up the estuary in countless thousands. where they stranded against the rocks she was able to get them. but each and every melon—and she patiently tried scores of them—had been spoiled by a sharp gash that let in the salt water. she could not understand. she asked an old portuguese woman gathering driftwood.
“they do it, the people who have too much,” the old woman explained, straightening her labor-stiffened back with such an effort that almost saxon could hear it creak. the old woman's black eyes flashed angrily, and her wrinkled lips, drawn tightly across toothless gums, wry with bitterness. “the people that have too much. it is to keep up the price. they throw them overboard in san francisco.”
“but why don't they give them away to the poor people?” saxon asked.
“they must keep up the price.”
“but the poor people cannot buy them anyway,” saxon objected. “it would not hurt the price.”
the old woman shrugged her shoulders.
“i do not know. it is their way. they chop each melon so that the poor people cannot fish them out and eat anyway. they do the same with the oranges, with the apples. ah, the fishermen! there is a trust. when the boats catch too much fish, the trust throws them overboard from fisherman wharf, boat-loads, and boat-loads, and boatloads of the beautiful fish. and the beautiful good fish sink and are gone. and no one gets them. yet they are dead and only good to eat. fish are very good to eat.”
and saxon could not understand a world that did such things—a world in which some men possessed so much food that they threw it away, paying men for their labor of spoiling it before they threw it away; and in the same world so many people who did not have enough food, whose babies died because their mothers' milk was not nourishing, whose young men fought and killed one another for the chance to work, whose old men and women went to the poorhouse because there was no food for them in the little shacks they wept at leaving. she wondered if all the world were that way, and remembered mercedes' tales. yes; all the world was that way. had not mercedes seen ten thousand families starve to death in that far away india, when, as she had said, her own jewels that she wore would have fed and saved them all? it was the poorhouse and the salt vats for the stupid, jewels and automobiles for the clever ones.
she was one of the stupid. she must be. the evidence all pointed that way. yet saxon refused to accept it. she was not stupid. her mother had not been stupid, nor had the pioneer stock before her. still it must be so. here she sat, nothing to eat at home, her love-husband changed to a brute beast and lying in jail, her arms and heart empty of the babe that would have been there if only the stupid ones had not made a shambles of her front yard in their wrangling over jobs.
she sat there, racking her brain, the smudge of oakland at her back, staring across the bay at the smudge of san francisco. yet the sun was good; the wind was good, as was the keen salt air in her nostrils; the blue sky, flecked with clouds, was good. all the natural world was right, and sensible, and beneficent. it was the man-world that was wrong, and mad, and horrible. why were the stupid stupid? was it a law of god? no; it could not be. god had made the wind, and air, and sun. the man-world was made by man, and a rotten job it was. yet, and she remembered it well, the teaching in the orphan asylum, god had made everything. her mother, too, had believed this, had believed in this god. things could not be different. it was ordained.
for a time saxon sat crushed, helpless. then smoldered protest, revolt. vainly she asked why god had it in for her. what had she done to deserve such fate? she briefly reviewed her life in quest of deadly sins committed, and found them not. she had obeyed her mother; obeyed cady, the saloon-keeper, and cady's wife; obeyed the matron and the other women in the orphan asylum; obeyed tom when she came to live in his house, and never run in the streets because he didn't wish her to. at school she had always been honorably promoted, and never had her deportment report varied from one hundred per cent. she had worked from the day she left school to the day of her marriage. she had been a good worker, too. the little jew who ran the paper box factory had almost wept when she quit. it was the same at the cannery. she was among the high-line weavers when the jute mills closed down. and she had kept straight. it was not as if she had been ugly or unattractive. she had known her temptations and encountered her dangers. the fellows had been crazy about her. they had run after her, fought over her, in a way to turn most girls' heads. but she had kept straight. and then had come billy, her reward. she had devoted herself to him, to his house, to all that would nourish his love; and now she and billy were sinking down into this senseless vortex of misery and heartbreak of the man-made world.
no, god was not responsible. she could have made a better world herself—a finer, squarer world. this being so, then there was no god. god could not make a botch. the matron had been wrong, her mother had been wrong. then there was no immortality, and bert, wild and crazy bert, falling at her front gate with his foolish death-cry, was right. one was a long time dead.
looking thus at life, shorn of its superrational sanctions, saxon floundered into the morass of pessimism. there was no justification for right conduct in the universe, no square deal for her who had earned reward, for the millions who worked like animals, died like animals, and were a long time and forever dead. like the hosts of more learned thinkers before her, she concluded that the universe was unmoral and without concern for men.
and now she sat crushed in greater helplessness than when she had included god in the scheme of injustice. as long as god was, there was always chance for a miracle, for some supernatural intervention, some rewarding with ineffable bliss. with god missing, the world was a trap. life was a trap. she was like a linnet, caught by small boys and imprisoned in a cage. that was because the linnet was stupid. but she rebelled. she fluttered and beat her soul against the hard face of things as did the linnet against the bars of wire. she was not stupid. she did not belong in the trap. she would fight her way out of the trap. there must be such a way out. when canal boys and rail-splitters, the lowliest of the stupid lowly, as she had read in her school history, could find their way out and become presidents of the nation and rule over even the clever ones in their automobiles, then could she find her way out and win to the tiny reward she craved—billy, a little love, a little happiness. she would not mind that the universe was unmoral, that there was no god, no immortality. she was willing to go into the black grave and remain in its blackness forever, to go into the salt vats and let the young men cut her dead flesh to sausage-meat, if—if only she could get her small meed of happiness first.
how she would work for that happiness! how she would appreciate it, make the most of each least particle of it! but how was she to do it. where was the path? she could not vision it. her eyes showed her only the smudge of san francisco, the smudge of oakland, where men were breaking heads and killing one another, where babies were dying, born and unborn, and where women were weeping with bruised breasts.
