one saturday afternoon towards the end of february, he suddenly decided to read through so much of the draft novel as was written; hitherto he had avoided any sort of revision. the resolve to accomplish five hundred words a day had been kept indifferently well, and the total stood at about fourteen thousand. as he wrote a very bold hand, the sheets covered made quite a respectable pile. the mere bulk of them cajoled him, in spite of certain misgivings, into an optimistic surmise as to their literary quality. never before had he written so much upon one theme, and were the writing good or bad, he was, for a few moments, proud of his achievement. the mischief lay in the fact that week by week he had exercised less and still less care over the work. the phrase, "anything will do for a draft," had come to be uttered with increasing frequency as an excuse for laxities of style and construction. "i will make that right in the revision," he had reassured himself, and had gone negligently forward, leaving innumerable crudities in the wake of his hurrying pen. during the last few days he had written scarcely anything, and perhaps it was a hope of stimulating a drooping inspiration by the complacent survey of work actually done that tempted him to this hazardous perusal.
he whistled as he took up the manuscript, as a boy whistles when going into a dark cellar. the first three pages were read punctiliously, every word of them, but soon he grew hasty, rushing to the next paragraph ere the previous one was grasped; then he began shamelessly to skip; and then he stopped, and his heart seemed to stop also. the lack of homogeneity, of sequence, of dramatic quality, of human interest; the loose syntax; and the unrelieved mediocrity of it all, horrified him. the thing was dry bones, a fiasco. the certainty that he had once more failed swept over him like a cold, green wave of the sea, and he had a physical feeling of sickness in the stomach.... it was with much ado that he refrained from putting the whole manuscript upon the fire, and crushing it venomously into the flames with a poker. then he steadied himself. his self-confidence was going, almost gone; he must contrive to recover it, and he sought for a way. (where were now the rash exultations of the new year?) it was impossible that his work should be irredeemably bad. he remembered having read somewhere that the difference between a fine and a worthless novel was often a difference of elaboration simply. a conscientious re-writing, therefore, might probably bring about a surprising amelioration. he must immediately make the experiment. but he had long since solemnly vowed not to commence the second writing till the draft was done; the moral value of finishing even the draft had then seemed to him priceless. no matter! under stress of grievous necessity, that oath must be forsworn. no other course could save him from collapse.
he went out into the streets. the weather, fine and bright, suggested the earliest infancy of spring, and piccadilly was full of all classes and all ages of women. there were regiments of men, too, but the gay and endless stream of women obsessed him. he saw them sitting in hansoms and private carriages and on the tops of omnibuses, niched in high windows, shining in obscurity of shops, treading the pavements with fairy step, either unattended or by the side of foolish, unappreciative males. every man in london seemed to have the right to a share of some woman's companionship, except himself. as for those men who walked alone, they had sweethearts somewhere, or mothers and sisters, or they were married and even now on the way to wife and hearth. only he was set apart.
a light descended upon him that afternoon. the average man and the average woman being constantly thrown into each other's society, custom has staled for them the exquisite privilege of such intercourse. the rustic cannot share the townsman's enthusiasm for rural scenery; he sees no matter for ecstasy in the view from his cottage door; and in the same way the average man and the average woman dine together, talk together, walk together, and know not how richly they are therein blessed. but with solitaries like richard it is different. debarred from fellowship with the opposite sex by circumstances and an innate diffidence which makes the control of circumstance impossible, their starved sensibilities acquire certain morbid tenderness. (doubtless the rustic discerns morbidity in the attitude of the townsman towards the view from his cottage door.) richard grasped this. in a luminous moment of self-revelation, he was able to trace the growth of the malady. from its first vague and fugitive symptoms, it had so grown that now, on seeing an attractive woman, he could not be content to say, "what an attractive woman!" and have done with it, but he needs must build a house, furnish a room in the house, light a fire in the room, place a low chair by the fire, put the woman in the chair, with a welcoming smile on her upturned lips—and imagine that she was his wife. and it was not only attractive women that laid the spell upon him. the sight of any living creature in petticoats was liable to set his hysterical fancy in motion. every woman he met was woman.... of the millions of women in london, why was he not permitted to know a few? why was he entirely cut off? there they were: their silk skirts brushed him as they passed; they thanked him for little services in public vehicles; they ministered to him in restaurants; they sang to him at concerts, danced for him at theatres; touched his existence at every side—and yet they were remoter than the stars, unattainable as the moon.... he rebelled. he sank in despair, and rose to frenzies of anger. then he was a pathetic figure, and extended to himself his own pity, smiling sardonically at fate. fate was the harder to bear because he was convinced that, at the heart of him, he was essentially a woman's man. none could enjoy the feminine atmosphere more keenly, more artistically than he. other men, who had those delicious rights for which he longed in vain, assessed them meanly, or even scorned them.... he looked back with profound regret to his friendship with adeline. he dreamt that she had returned, that he had fallen in love with her and married her, that her ambitions were leading him forward to success. ah! under the incentive of a woman's eyes, of what tremendous efforts is a clever man not capable, and deprived of it to what deeps of stagnations will he not descend! then he awoke again to the fact that he knew no woman in london.
yes, he knew one, and his thoughts began to play round her caressingly, idealising and ennobling her. she only gave him his change daily at the crabtree, but he knew her; there existed between them a kind of intimacy. she was a plain girl, possessing few attractions, except the supreme one of being a woman. she was below him in station; but had she not her refinements? though she could not enter into his mental or emotional life, did she not exhale for him a certain gracious influence? his heart went forth to her. her flirtations with mr. aked, her alleged dalliance with jenkins? trifles, nothings! she had told him that she lived with her mother and father and a younger brother, and on more than one occasion she had mentioned the wesleyan chapel; he had gathered that the whole family was religious. in theory he detested religious women, and yet—religion in a woman ... what was it? he answered the question with a man's easy laugh. and if her temperament was somewhat lymphatic, he divined that, once roused, she was capable of the most passionate feeling. he had always had a predilection for the sleeping-volcano species of woman.
