after her visit to manchester, she had to return to a re-opening of the painful circumstances of the previous winter, as the time drew near for mr. nicholl's departure from haworth. a testimonial of respect from the parishioners was presented, at a public meeting, to one who had faithfully served them for eight years: and he left the place, and she saw no chance of hearing a word about him in the future, unless it was some second-hand scrap of intelligence, dropped out accidentally by one of the neighbouring clergymen.
i had promised to pay her a visit on my return from london in june; but, after the day was fixed, a letter came from mr. brontë, saying that she was suffering from so severe an attack of influenza, accompanied with such excruciating pain in the head, that he must request me to defer my visit until she was better. while sorry for the cause, i did not regret that my going was delayed till the season when the moors would be all glorious with the purple bloom of the heather; and thus present a scene about which she had often spoken to me. so we agreed that i should not come to her before august or september. meanwhile, i received a letter from which i am tempted to take an extract, as it shows both her conception of what fictitious writing ought to be, and her always kindly interest in what i was doing.
"july 9th, 1853.
"thank you for your letter; it was as pleasant as a quiet chat, as welcome as spring showers, as reviving as a friend's visit; in short, it was very like a page of 'cranford.' . . . a thought strikes me. do you, who have so many friends,—so large a circle of acquaintance,—find it easy, when you sit down to write, to isolate yourself from all those ties, and their sweet associations, so as to be your own woman, uninfluenced or swayed by the consciousness of how your work may affect other minds; what blame or what sympathy it may call forth? does no luminous cloud ever come between you and the severe truth, as you know it in your own secret and clear-seeing soul? in a word, are you never tempted to make your characters more amiable than the life, by the inclination to assimilate your thoughts to the thoughts of those who always feel kindly, but sometimes fail to see justly? don't answer the question; it is not intended to be answered. . . . your account of mrs. stowe was stimulatingly interesting. i long to see you, to get you to say it, and many other things, all over again. my father continues better. i am better too; but to-day i have a headache again, which will hardly let me write coherently. give my dear love to m. and m., dear happy girls as they are. you cannot now transmit my message to f. and j. i prized the little wild-flower,—not that i think the sender cares for me; she does not, and cannot, for she does not know me;—but no matter. in my reminiscences she is a person of a certain distinction. i think hers a fine little nature, frank and of genuine promise. i often see her; as she appeared, stepping supreme from the portico towards the carriage, that evening we went to see 'twelfth night.' i believe in j.'s future; i like what speaks in her movements, and what is written upon her face."
towards the latter end of september i went to haworth. at the risk of repeating something which i have previously said, i will copy out parts of a letter which i wrote at the time.
"it was a dull, drizzly indian-inky day, all the way on the railroad to keighley, which is a rising wool-manufacturing town, lying in a hollow between hills—not a pretty hollow, but more what the yorkshire people call a 'bottom,' or 'botham.' i left keighley in a car for haworth, four miles off—four tough, steep, scrambling miles, the road winding between the wavelike hills that rose and fell on every side of the horizon, with a long illimitable sinuous look, as if they were a part of the line of the great serpent, which the norse legend says girdles the world. the day was lead-coloured; the road had stone factories alongside of it,—grey, dull-coloured rows of stone cottages belonging to these factories, and then we came to poor, hungry-looking fields;—stone fences everywhere, and trees nowhere. haworth is a long, straggling village one steep narrow street—so steep that the flag-stones with which it is paved are placed end-ways, that the horses' feet may have something to cling to, and not slip down backwards; which if they did, they would soon reach keighley. but if the horses had cats' feet and claws, they would do all the better. well, we (the man, horse, car; and i) clambered up this street, and reached the church dedicated to st. autest (who was he?); then we turned off into a lane on the left, past the curate's lodging at the sexton's, past the school-house, up to the parsonage yard-door. i went round the house to the front door, looking to the church;—moors everywhere beyond and above. the crowded grave-yard surrounds the house and small grass enclosure for drying clothes.
"i don't know that i ever saw a spot more exquisitely clean; the most dainty place for that i ever saw. to be sure, the life is like clock-work. no one comes to the house; nothing disturbs the deep repose; hardly a voice is heard; you catch the ticking of the clock in the kitchen, or the buzzing of a fly in the parlour, all over the house. miss brontë sits alone in her parlour; breakfasting with her father in his study at nine o'clock. she helps in the housework; for one of their servants, tabby, is nearly ninety, and the other only a girl. then i accompanied her in her walks on the sweeping moors the heather-bloom had been blighted by a thunder-storm a day or two before, and was all of a livid brown colour, instead of the blaze of purple glory it ought to have been. oh those high, wild, desolate moors, up above the whole world, and the very realms of silence! home to dinner at two. mr. brontë has his dinner sent into him. all the small table arrangements had the same dainty simplicity about them. then we rested, and talked over the clear, bright fire; it is a cold country, and the fires were a pretty warm dancing light all over the house. the parlour had been evidently refurnished within the last few years, since miss brontë's success has enabled her to have a little more money to spend. everything fits into, and is in harmony with, the idea of a country parsonage, possessed by people of very moderate means. the prevailing colour of the room is crimson, to make a warm setting for the cold grey landscape without. there is her likeness by richmond, and an engraving from lawrence's picture of thackeray; and two recesses, on each side of the high, narrow, old-fashioned mantelpiece, filled with books,—books given to her; books she has bought, and which tell of her individual pursuits and tastes; not standard books.
"she cannot see well, and does little beside knitting. the way she weakened her eyesight was this: when she was sixteen or seventeen, she wanted much to draw; and she copied niminipimini copper-plate engravings out of annuals, ('stippling,' don't the artists call it?) every little point put in, till at the end of six months she had produced an exquisitely faithful copy of the engraving. she wanted to learn to express her ideas by drawing. after she had tried to draw stories, and not succeeded, she took the better mode of writing; but in so small a hand, that it is almost impossible to decipher what she wrote at this time.
"but now to return to our quiet hour of rest after dinner. i soon observed that her habits of order were such that she could not go on with the conversation, if a chair was out of its place; everything was arranged with delicate regularity. we talked over the old times of her childhood; of her elder sister's (maria's) death,—just like that of helen burns in 'jane eyre;' of those strange, starved days at school; of the desire (almost amounting to illness) of expressing herself in some way,—writing or drawing; of her weakened eyesight, which prevented her doing anything for two years, from the age of seventeen to nineteen; of her being a governess; of her going to brussels; whereupon i said i disliked lucy snowe, and we discussed m. paul emanuel; and i told her of ——'s admiration of 'shirley,' which pleased her; for the character of shirley was meant for her sister emily, about whom she is never tired of talking, nor i of listening. emily must have been a remnant of the titans,—great-grand-daughter of the giants who used to inhabit earth. one day, miss brontë brought down a rough, common-looking oil-painting, done by her brother, of herself,—a little, rather prim-looking girl of eighteen,—and the two other sisters, girls of sixteen and fourteen, with cropped hair, and sad, dreamy-looking eyes. . . . emily had a great dog—half mastiff, half bull-dog—so savage, etc. . . . this dog went to her funeral, walking side by side with her father; and then, to the day of its death, it slept at her room door; snuffing under it, and whining every morning.
"we have generally had another walk before tea, which is at six; at half-past eight, prayers; and by nine, all the household are in bed, except ourselves. we sit up together till ten, or past; and after i go, i hear miss brontë comedown and walk up and down the room for an hour or so."
copying this letter has brought the days of that pleasant visit very clear before me,—very sad in their clearness. we were so happy together; we were so full of interest in each other's subjects. the day seemed only too short for what we had to say and to hear. i understood her life the better for seeing the place where it had been spent—where she had loved and suffered. mr. brontë was a most courteous host; and when he was with us,—at breakfast in his study, or at tea in charlotte's parlour,—he had a sort of grand and stately way of describing past times, which tallied well with his striking appearance. he never seemed quite to have lost the feeling that charlotte was a child to be guided and ruled, when she was present; and she herself submitted to this with a quiet docility that half amused, half astonished me. but when she had to leave the room, then all his pride in her genius and fame came out. he eagerly listened to everything i could tell him of the high admiration i had at any time heard expressed for her works. he would ask for certain speeches over and over again, as if he desired to impress them on his memory.
i remember two or three subjects of the conversations which she and i held in the evenings, besides those alluded to in my letter.
i asked her whether she had ever taken opium, as the description given of its effects in "villette" was so exactly like what i had experienced,—vivid and exaggerated presence of objects, of which the outlines were indistinct, or lost in golden mist, etc. she replied, that she had never, to her knowledge, taken a grain of it in any shape, but that she had followed the process she always adopted when she had to describe anything which had not fallen within her own experience; she had thought intently on it for many and many a night before falling to sleep,—wondering what it was like, or how it would be,—till at length, sometimes after the progress of her story had been arrested at this one point for weeks, she wakened up in the morning with all clear before her, as if she had in reality gone through the experience, and then could describe it, word for word, as it had happened. i cannot account for this psychologically; i only am sure that it was so, because she said it.
she made many inquiries as to mrs. stowe's personal appearance; and it evidently harmonised well with some theory of hers, to hear that the author of uncle tom's cabin was small and slight. it was another theory of hers, that no mixtures of blood produced such fine characters, mentally and morally, as the scottish and english.
i recollect, too, her saying how acutely she dreaded a charge of plagiarism, when, after she had written "jane eyre;" she read the thrilling effect of the mysterious scream at midnight in mrs. marsh's story of the "deformed." she also said that, when she read the "neighbours," she thought every one would fancy that she must have taken her conception of jane eyre's character from that of "francesca," the narrator of miss bremer's story. for my own part, i cannot see the slightest resemblance between the two characters, and so i told her; but she persisted in saying that francesca was jane eyre married to a good-natured "bear" of a swedish surgeon.
we went, not purposely, but accidentally, to see various poor people in our distant walks. from one we had borrowed an umbrella; in the house of another we had taken shelter from a rough september storm. in all these cottages, her quiet presence was known. at three miles from her home, the chair was dusted for her, with a kindly "sit ye down, miss brontë;" and she knew what absent or ailing members of the family to inquire after. her quiet, gentle words, few though they might be, were evidently grateful to those yorkshire ears. their welcome to her, though rough and curt, was sincere and hearty.
we talked about the different courses through which life ran. she said, in her own composed manner, as if she had accepted the theory as a fact, that she believed some were appointed beforehand to sorrow and much disappointment; that it did not fall to the lot of all—as scripture told us—to have their lines fall in pleasant places; that it was well for those who had rougher paths, to perceive that such was god's will concerning them, and try to moderate their expectations, leaving hope to those of a different doom, and seeking patience and resignation as the virtues they were to cultivate. i took a different view: i thought that human lots were more equal than she imagined; that to some happiness and sorrow came in strong patches of light and shadow, (so to speak), while in the lives of others they were pretty equally blended throughout. she smiled, and shook her head, and said she was trying to school herself against ever anticipating any pleasure; that it was better to be brave and submit faithfully; there was some good reason, which we should know in time, why sorrow and disappointment were to be the lot of some on earth. it was better to acknowledge this, and face out the truth in a religious faith.
in connection with this conversation, she named a little abortive plan which i had not heard of till then; how, in the previous july, she had been tempted to join some friends (a married couple and their child) in an excursion to scotland. they set out joyfully; she with especial gladness, for scotland was a land which had its roots deep down in her imaginative affections, and the glimpse of two days at edinburgh was all she had as yet seen of it. but, at the first stage after carlisle, the little yearling child was taken with a slight indisposition; the anxious parents fancied that strange diet disagreed with it, and hurried back to their yorkshire home as eagerly as, two or three days before, they had set their faces northward, in hopes of a month's pleasant ramble.
we parted with many intentions, on both sides, of renewing very frequently the pleasure we had had in being together. we agreed that when she wanted bustle, or when i wanted quiet, we were to let each other know, and exchange visits as occasion required.
i was aware that she had a great anxiety on her mind at this time; and being acquainted with its nature, i could not but deeply admire the patient docility which she displayed in her conduct towards her father.
soon after i left haworth, she went on a visit to miss wooler, who was then staying at hornsea. the time passed quietly and happily with this friend, whose society was endeared to her by every year.
to miss wooler
"dec. 12th, 1853.
"i wonder how you are spending these long winter evenings. alone, probably, like me. the thought often crosses me, as i sit by myself, how pleasant it would be if you lived within a walking distance, and i could go to you sometimes, or have you to come and spend a day and night with me. yes; i did enjoy that week at hornsea, and i look forward to spring as the period when you will fulfil your promise of coming to visit me. i fear you must be very solitary at hornsea. how hard to some people of the world it would seem to live your life! how utterly impossible to live it with a serene spirit and an unsoured disposition! it seems wonderful to me, because you are not, like mrs. ——, phlegmatic and impenetrable, but received from nature feelings of the very finest edge. such feelings, when they are locked up, sometimes damage the mind and temper. they don't with you. it must be partly principle, partly self-discipline, which keeps you as you are."
of course, as i draw nearer to the years so recently closed, it becomes impossible for me to write with the same fulness of detail as i have hitherto not felt it wrong to use. miss brontë passed the winter of 1853-4 in a solitary and anxious manner. but the great conqueror time was slowly achieving his victory over strong prejudice and human resolve. by degrees mr. brontë became reconciled to the idea of his daughter's marriage.
there is one other letter, addressed to mr. dobell, which developes the intellectual side of her character, before we lose all thought of the authoress in the timid and conscientious woman about to become a wife, and in the too short, almost perfect, happiness of her nine months of wedded life.
"haworth, near keighley,
"feb. 3rd, 1854.
"my dear sir,—i can hardly tell you how glad i am to have an opportunity of explaining that taciturnity to which you allude. your letter came at a period of danger and care, when my father was very ill, and i could not leave his bedside. i answered no letters at that time, and yours was one of three or four that, when leisure returned to me, and i came to consider their purport, it seemed to me such that the time was past for answering them, and i laid them finally aside. if you remember, you asked me to go to london; it was too late either to go or to decline. i was sure you had left london. one circumstance you mentioned—your wife's illness—which i have thought of many a time, and wondered whether she is better. in your present note you do not refer to her, but i trust her health has long ere now been quite restored.
"'balder' arrived safely. i looked at him, before cutting his leaves with singular pleasure. remembering well his elder brother, the potent 'roman,' it was natural to give a cordial welcome to a fresh scion of the same house and race. i have read him. he impressed me thus he teems with power; i found in him a wild wealth of life, but i thought his favourite and favoured child would bring his sire trouble—would make his heart ache. it seemed to me, that his strength and beauty were not so much those of joseph, the pillar of jacob's age, as of the prodigal son, who troubled his father, though he always kept his love.
"how is it that while the first-born of genius often brings honour, the second as almost often proves a source of depression and care? i could almost prophesy that your third will atone for any anxiety inflicted by this his immediate predecessor.
"there is power in that character of 'balder,' and to me a certain horror. did you mean it to embody, along with force, any of the special defects of the artistic character? it seems to me that those defects were never thrown out in stronger lines. i did not and could not think you meant to offer him as your cherished ideal of the true, great poet; i regarded him as a vividly-coloured picture of inflated self-esteem, almost frantic aspiration; of a nature that has made a moloch of intellect—offered up; in pagan fires, the natural affections—sacrificed the heart to the brain. do we not all know that true greatness is simple, self-oblivious, prone to unambitious, unselfish attachments? i am certain you feel this truth in your heart of hearts.
"but if the critics err now (as yet i have seen none of their lucubrations), you shall one day set them right in the second part of 'balder.' you shall show them that you too know—better, perhaps, than they—that the truly great man is too sincere in his affections to grudge a sacrifice; too much absorbed in his work to talk loudly about it; too intent on finding the best way to accomplish what he undertakes to think great things of himself—the instrument. and if god places seeming impediments in his way—if his duties sometimes seem to hamper his powers—he feels keenly, perhaps writhes, under the slow torture of hindrance and delay; but if there be a true man's heart in his breast, he can bear, submit, wait patiently.
"whoever speaks to me of 'balder'—though i live too retired a life to come often in the way of comment—shall be answered according to your suggestion and my own impression. equity demands that you should be your own interpreter. good-bye for the present, and believe me,
"faithfully and gratefully,
"charlotte brontë.
"sydney dobell, esq."
a letter to her brussels schoolfellow gives an idea of the external course of things during this winter.
"march 8th.
"i was very glad to see your handwriting again. it is, i believe, a year since i heard from you. again and again you have recurred to my thoughts lately, and i was beginning to have some sad presages as to the cause of your silence. your letter happily does away with all these; it brings, on the whole, glad tidings both of your papa, mama, your sisters, and, last but not least, your dear respected english self.
"my dear father has borne the severe winter very well, a circumstance for which i feel the more thankful as he had many weeks of very precarious health last summer, following an attack from which he suffered in june, and which for a few hours deprived him totally of sight, though neither his mind, speech, nor even his powers of motion were in the least affected. i can hardly tell you how thankful i was, when, after that dreary and almost despairing interval of utter darkness, some gleam of daylight became visible to him once more. i had feared that paralysis had seized the optic nerve. a sort of mist remained for a long time; and, indeed, his vision is not yet perfectly clear, but he can read, write, and walk about, and he preaches twice every sunday, the curate only reading the prayers. you can well understand how earnestly i wish and pray that sight may be spared him to the end; he so dreads the privation of blindness. his mind is just as strong and active as ever, and politics interest him as they do your papa. the czar, the war, the alliance between france and england—into all these things he throws himself heart and soul; they seem to carry him back to his comparatively young days, and to renew the excitement of the last great european struggle. of course my father's sympathies (and mine too) are all with justice and europe against tyranny and russia.
"circumstanced as i have been, you will comprehend that i have had neither the leisure nor the inclination to go from home much during the past year. i spent a week with mrs. gaskell in the spring, and a fortnight with some other friends more recently, and that includes the whole of my visiting since i saw you last. my life is, indeed, very uniform and retired—more so than is quite healthful either for mind or body; yet i find reason for often-renewed feelings of gratitude, in the sort of support which still comes and cheers me on from time to time. my health, though not unbroken, is, i sometimes fancy, rather stronger on the whole than it was three years ago: headache and dyspepsia are my worst ailments. whether i shall come up to town this season for a few days i do not yet know; but if i do, i shall hope to call in p. place."
in april she communicated the fact of her engagement to miss wooler.
"haworth, april 12th.
"my dear miss wooler,—the truly kind interest which you always taken in my affairs makes me feel that it is due to you to transmit an early communication on a subject respecting which i have already consulted you more than once. i must tell you then, that since i wrote last, papa's mind has gradually come round to a view very different to that which he once took; and that after some correspondence, and as the result of a visit mr. nicholls paid here about a week ago, it was agreed that he was to resume the curacy of haworth, as soon as papa's present assistant is provided with a situation, and in due course of time he is to be received as an inmate into this house.
"it gives me unspeakable content to see that now my father has once admitted this new view of the case, he dwells on it very complacently. in all arrangements, his convenience and seclusion will be scrupulously respected. mr. nicholls seems deeply to feel the wish to comfort and sustain his declining years. i think from mr. nicholls' character i may depend on this not being a mere transitory impulsive feeling, but rather that it will be accepted steadily as a duty, and discharged tenderly as an office of affection. the destiny which providence in his goodness and wisdom seems to offer me will not, i am aware, be generally regarded as brilliant, but i trust i see in it some germs of real happiness. i trust the demands of both feeling and duty will be in some measure reconciled by the step in contemplation. it is mr. nicholls' wish that the marriage should take place this summer; he urges the month of july, but that seems very soon.
"when you write to me, tell me how you are. . . . i have now decidedly declined the visit to london; the ensuing three months will bring me abundance of occupation; i could not afford to throw away a month. . . . papa has just got a letter from the good and dear bishop, which has touched and pleased us much; it expresses so cordial an approbation of mr. nicholls' return to haworth (respecting which he was consulted), and such kind gratification at the domestic arrangements which are to ensue. it seems his penetration discovered the state of things when he was here in june 1853."
she expressed herself in other letters, as thankful to one who had guided her through much difficulty and much distress and perplexity of mind; and yet she felt what most thoughtful women do, who marry when the first flush of careless youth is over, that there was a strange half-sad feeling, in making announcements of an engagement—for cares and fears came mingled inextricably with hopes. one great relief to her mind at this time was derived from the conviction that her father took a positive pleasure in all the thoughts about and preparations for her wedding. he was anxious that things should be expedited, and was much interested in every preliminary arrangement for the reception of mr. nicholls into the parsonage as his daughter's husband. this step was rendered necessary by mr. brontë's great age, and failing sight, which made it a paramount obligation on so dutiful a daughter as charlotte, to devote as much time and assistance as ever in attending to his wants. mr. nicholls, too, hoped that he might be able to add some comfort and pleasure by his ready presence, on any occasion when the old clergyman might need his services.
at the beginning of may, miss brontë left home to pay three visits before her marriage. the first was to us. she only remained three days, as she had to go to the neighbourhood of leeds, there to make such purchases as were required for her marriage. her preparations, as she said, could neither be expensive nor extensive; consisting chiefly in a modest replenishing of her wardrobe, some re-papering and re-painting in the parsonage; and, above all, converting the small flagged passage-room, hitherto used only for stores (which was behind her sitting room), into a study for her husband. on this idea, and plans for his comfort, as well as her father's, her mind dwelt a good deal; and we talked them over with the same unwearying happiness which, i suppose, all women feel in such discussions—especially when money considerations call for that kind of contrivance which charles lamb speaks of in his essay on old china, as forming so great an addition to the pleasure of obtaining a thing at last.
"haworth, may 22nd.
"since i came home i have been very busy stitching; the little new room is got into order, and the green and white curtains are up; they exactly suit the papering, and look neat and clean enough. i had a letter a day or two since, announcing that mr. nicholls comes to-morrow. i feel anxious about him; more anxious on one point than i dare quite express to myself. it seems he has again been suffering sharply from his rheumatic affection. i hear this not from himself, but from another quarter. he was ill while i was in manchester and b——. he uttered no complaint to me; dropped no hint on the subject. alas he was hoping he had got the better of it, and i know how this contradiction of his hopes will sadden him. for unselfish reasons he did so earnestly wish this complaint might not become chronic. i fear—i fear; but if he is doomed to suffer, so much the more will he need care and help. well! come what may, god help and strengthen both him and me! i look forward to to-morrow with a mixture of impatience and anxiety."
mr. brontë had a slight illness which alarmed her much. besides, all the weight of care involved in the household preparations pressed on the bride in this case—not unpleasantly, only to the full occupation of her time. she was too busy to unpack her wedding dresses for several days after they arrived from halifax; yet not too busy to think of arrangements by which miss wooler's journey to be present at the marriage could be facilitated.
"i write to miss wooler to-day. would it not be better, dear, if you and she could arrange to come to haworth on the same day, arrive at keighley by the same train; then i could order the cab to meet you at the station, and bring you on with your luggage? in this hot weather walking would be quite out of the question, either for you or for her; and i know she would persist in doing it if left to herself, and arrive half killed. i thought it better to mention this arrangement to you first, and then, if you liked it, you could settle the time, etc., with miss wooler, and let me know. be sure and give me timely information, that i may write to the devonshire arms about the cab.
"mr. nicholls is a kind, considerate fellow. with all his masculine faults, he enters into my wishes about having the thing done quietly, in a way that makes me grateful; and if nobody interferes and spoils his arrangements, he will manage it so that not a soul in haworth shall be aware of the day. he is so thoughtful, too, about 'the ladies,'—that is, you and miss wooler. anticipating, too, the very arrangements i was going to propose to him about providing for your departure, etc. he and mr. s—— come to —— the evening before; write me a note to let me know they are there; precisely at eight in the morning they will be in the church, and there we are to meet them. mr. and mrs. grant are asked to the breakfast, not to the ceremony.
it was fixed that the marriage was to take place on the 29th of june. her two friends arrived at haworth parsonage the day before; and the long summer afternoon and evening were spent by charlotte in thoughtful arrangements for the morrow, and for her father's comfort during her absence from home. when all was finished—the trunk packed, the morning's breakfast arranged, the wedding-dress laid out,—just at bedtime, mr. brontë announced his intention of stopping at home while the others went to church. what was to be done? who was to give the bride away? there were only to be the officiating clergyman, the bride and bridegroom, the bridesmaid, and miss wooler present. the prayer-book was referred to; and there it was seen that the rubric enjoins that the minister shall receive "the woman from her father's or friend's hands," and that nothing is specified as to the sex of the "friend." so miss wooler, ever kind in emergency, volunteered to give her old pupil away.
the news of the wedding had slipt abroad before the little party came out of church, and many old and humble friends were there, seeing her look "like a snow-drop," as they say. her dress was white embroidered muslin, with a lace mantle, and white bonnet trimmed with green leaves, which perhaps might suggest the resemblance to the pale wintry flower.
mr. nicholls and she went to visit his friends and relations in ireland; and made a tour by killarney, glengariff, tarbert, tralee, and cork, seeing scenery, of which she says, "some parts exceeded all i had ever imagined." . . . "i must say i like my new relations. my dear husband, too, appears in a new light in his own country. more than once i have had deep pleasure in hearing his praises on all sides. some of the old servants and followers of the family tell me i am a most fortunate person; for that i have got one of the best gentlemen in the country. . . . i trust i feel thankful to god for having enabled me to make what seems a right choice; and i pray to be enabled to repay as i ought the affectionate devotion of a truthful, honourable man."
henceforward the sacred doors of home are closed upon her married life. we, her loving friends, standing outside, caught occasional glimpses of brightness, and pleasant peaceful murmurs of sound, telling of the gladness within; and we looked at each other, and gently said, "after a hard and long struggle—after many cares and many bitter sorrows—she is tasting happiness now!" we thought of the slight astringencies of her character, and how they would turn to full ripe sweetness in that calm sunshine of domestic peace. we remembered her trials, and were glad in the idea that god had seen fit to wipe away the tears from her eyes. those who saw her, saw an outward change in her look, telling of inward things. and we thought, and we hoped, and we prophesied, in our great love and reverence.
but god's ways are not as our ways!
hear some of the low murmurs of happiness we, who listened, heard:—
"i really seem to have had scarcely a spare moment since that dim quiet june morning, when you, e——, and myself all walked down to haworth church. not that i have been wearied or oppressed; but the fact is, my time is not my own now; somebody else wants a good portion of it, and says, 'we must do so and so.' we do so and so, accordingly; and it generally seems the right thing. . . . we have had many callers from a distance, and latterly some little occupation in the way of preparing for a small village entertainment. both mr. nicholls and myself wished much to make some response for the hearty welcome and general goodwill shown by the parishioners on his return; accordingly, the sunday and day scholars and teachers, the church-ringers, singers, etc., to the number of five hundred, were asked to tea and supper in the school-room. they seemed to enjoy it much, and it was very pleasant to see their happiness. one of the villagers, in proposing my husband's health, described him as a 'consistent christian and a kind gentleman.' i own the words touched me deeply, and i thought (as i know you would have thought had you been present) that to merit and win such a character was better than to earn either wealth, or fame, or power. i am disposed to echo that high but simple eulogium. . . . my dear father was not well when we returned from ireland. i am, however, most thankful to say that he is better now. may god preserve him to us yet for some years! the wish for his continued life, together with a certain solicitude for his happiness and health, seems, i scarcely know why, even stronger in me now than before i was married. papa has taken no duty since we returned; and each time i see mr. nicholls put on gown or surplice, i feel comforted to think that this marriage has secured papa good aid in his old age."
"september 19th.
"yes! i am thankful to say my husband is in improved health and spirits. it makes me content and grateful to hear him from time to time avow his happiness in the brief, plain phrase of sincerity. my own life is more occupied than it used to be i have not so much time for thinking i am obliged to be more practical, for my dear arthur is a very practical, as well as a very punctual and methodical man. every morning he is in the national school by nine o'clock; he gives the children religious instruction till half-past ten. almost every afternoon he pays visits amongst the poor parishioners. of course, he often finds a little work for his wife to do, and i hope she is not sorry to help him. i believe it is not bad for me that his bent should be so wholly towards matters of life and active usefulness; so little inclined to the literary and contemplative. as to his continued affection and kind attentions it does not become me to say much of them; but they neither change nor diminish."
her friend and bridesmaid came to pay them a visit in october. i was to have gone also, but i allowed some little obstacle to intervene, to my lasting regret.
"i say nothing about the war; but when i read of its horrors, i cannot help thinking that it is one of the greatest curses that ever fell upon mankind. i trust it may not last long, for it really seems to me that no glory to be gained can compensate for the sufferings which must be endured. this may seem a little ignoble and unpatriotic; but i think that as we advance towards middle age, nobleness and patriotism have a different signification to us to that which we accept while young."
"you kindly inquire after papa. he is better, and seems to gain strength as the weather gets colder; indeed, of late years health has always been better in winter than in summer. we are all indeed pretty well; and, for my own part, it is long since i have known such comparative immunity from headache, etc., as during the last three months. my life is different from what it used to be. may god make me thankful for it! i have a good, kind, attached husband; and every day my own attachment to him grows stronger."
late in the autumn, sir james kay shuttleworth crossed the border-hills that separate lancashire from yorkshire, and spent two or three days with them.
about this time, mr. nicholls was offered a living of much greater value than his curacy at haworth, and in many ways the proposal was a very advantageous one; but he felt himself bound to haworth as long as mr. brontë lived. still, this offer gave his wife great and true pleasure, as a proof of the respect in which her husband was held.
"nov. 29.
"i intended to have written a line yesterday, but just as i was sitting down for the purpose, arthur called to me to take a walk. we set off, not intending to go far; but, though wild and cloudy, it was fair in the morning; when we had got about half a mile on the moors, arthur suggested the idea of the waterfall; after the melted snow, he said, it would be fine. i had often wished to see it in its winter power,—so we walked on. it was fine indeed; a perfect torrent racing over the rocks, white and beautiful! it began to rain while we were watching it, and we returned home under a streaming sky. however, i enjoyed the walk inexpressibly, and would not have missed the spectacle on any account."
she did not achieve this walk of seven or eight miles, in such weather, with impunity. she began to shiver soon after her return home, in spite of every precaution, and had a bad lingering sore throat and cold, which hung about her; and made her thin and weak.
"did i tell you that our poor little flossy is dead? she drooped for a single day, and died quietly in the night without pain. the loss even of a dog was very saddening; yet, perhaps, no dog ever had a happier life, or an easier death."
on christmas-day she and her husband walked to the poor old woman (whose calf she had been set to seek in former and less happy days), carrying with them a great spice-cake to make glad her heart. on christmas-day many a humble meal in haworth was made more plentiful by her gifts.
early in the new year (1855), mr. and mrs. nicholls went to visit sir james kay shuttleworth at gawthorpe. they only remained two or three days, but it so fell out that she increased her lingering cold, by a long walk over damp ground in thin shoes.
soon after her return, she was attacked by new sensations of perpetual nausea, and ever-recurring faintness. after this state of things had lasted for some time; she yielded to mr. nicholls' wish that a doctor should be sent for. he came, and assigned a natural cause for her miserable indisposition; a little patience, and all would go right. she, who was ever patient in illness, tried hard to bear up and bear on. but the dreadful sickness increased and increased, till the very sight of food occasioned nausea. "a wren would have starved on what she ate during those last six weeks," says one. tabby's health had suddenly and utterly given way, and she died in this time of distress and anxiety respecting the last daughter of the house she had served so long. martha tenderly waited on her mistress, and from time to time tried to cheer her with the thought of the baby that was coming. "i dare say i shall be glad some time," she would say; "but i am so ill—so weary—" then she took to her bed, too weak to sit up. from that last couch she wrote two notes—in pencil. the first, which has no date, is addressed to her own "dear nell."
"i must write one line out of my weary bed. the news of m——'s probable recovery came like a ray of joy to me. i am not going to talk of my sufferings—it would be useless and painful. i want to give you an assurance, which i know will comfort you—and that is, that i find in my husband the tenderest nurse, the kindest support, the best earthly comfort that ever woman had. his patience never fails, and it is tried by sad days and broken nights. write and tell me about mrs. ——'s case; how long was she ill, and in what way? papa—thank god!—is better. our poor old tabby is dead and buried. give my kind love to miss wooler. may god comfort and help you.
"c. b. nicholls."
the other—also in faint, faint pencil marks—was to her brussels schoolfellow.
"feb. 15th.
"a few lines of acknowledgment your letter shall have, whether well or ill. at present i am confined to my bed with illness, and have been so for three weeks. up to this period, since my marriage, i have had excellent health. my husband and i live at home with my father; of course, i could not leave him. he is pretty well, better than last summer. no kinder, better husband than mine, it seems to me, there can be in the world. i do not want now for kind companionship in health and the tenderest nursing in sickness. deeply i sympathise in all you tell me about dr. w. and your excellent mother's anxiety. i trust he will not risk another operation. i cannot write more now; for i am much reduced and very weak. god bless you all.—yours affectionately,
"c. b. nicholls."
i do not think she ever wrote a line again. long days and longer nights went by; still the same relentless nausea and faintness, and still borne on in patient trust. about the third week in march there was a change; a low wandering delirium came on; and in it she begged constantly for food and even for stimulants. she swallowed eagerly now; but it was too late. wakening for an instant from this stupor of intelligence, she saw her husband's woe-worn face, and caught the sound of some murmured words of prayer that god would spare her. "oh!" she whispered forth, "i am not going to die, am i? he will not separate us, we have been so happy."
early on saturday morning, march 31st, the solemn tolling of haworth church-bell spoke forth the fact of her death to the villagers who had known her from a child, and whose hearts shivered within them as they thought of the two sitting desolate and alone in the old grey house.
