the journey was a hard one, though so short. how many times an hour did hetty bless the good fortune which had given them dr. williams for an escort! sally had been so much excited and pleased at the prospect of the trip to the sea-shore, that she had seemed in the outset far stronger than she really was. before mid-day a reaction had set in, and she had grown so weak that the doctor was evidently alarmed. the baby disturbed, and frightened by the noise and jar, had wailed almost incessantly; and hetty was more nearly at her wits' end than she had ever been in her life. it was piteous to see her,—usually so brisk, so authoritative, so unhesitating,—looking helplessly into the face of the doctor, and saying:
“oh, what shall we do! what shall we do!” at last, the weary day came to an end; and when hetty saw her two sufferers quietly asleep in snowy beds, in a great airy room, with a blazing log-fire on the hearth, she drew a long breath, and said to the doctor:
“this is the most awful day i ever lived through.”
dr. eben smiled. “you have had a life singularly free from troubles, miss gunn.”
“no!” said hetty, “i've had a great deal. but there has always been something to do. the only things one can't bear, it seems to me, are where one can't do any thing, like to-day: that poor little baby crying, crying, and nothing to be done, but to wait for him to stop; and sally looking as if she would die any minute; and that screaming steam-engine whirling us all along as if we were only dead freight. i suppose if sally had died, we should have had to keep right on, shouldn't we?”
“yes,” said the doctor. something in his tone arrested hetty's ear. she looked at him inquiringly; then she said slowly:
“i understand you. i am ashamed. we were only three people out of hundreds: it is just like life, isn't it: how selfish we are without realizing it! it isn't of any consequence how or where or when any one of us dies: the train must keep right on. i see.”
“yes,” said the doctor again: and this monosyllable meant even more than the other. dr. eben was a philosopher. epictetus, and that most royal of royal emperors, marcus aurelius, had been his masters: their words were ever present with him. “it is not possible that the nature of the universe, either through want of power or want of skill, has made a mistake;” “nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear,”—were hourly watchwords of thought with him. in this regard he and hetty were alike, though they had reached their common standpoint by different roads: he by education and reasoning, and a profound admiration for the ancient classics; she by instinct and healthfulness of soul, and a profound love for that old massachusetts militia-man, her grandfather.
“the runs” was, as hetty had said, one of the loveliest of sea-side places. dr. eben, who was familiar with all the well-known sea-side resorts in america, was forced to admit that this little nook had a charm of its own, unlike all the others. the epithet “hugged in,” which hetty had used, was the very phrase to best convey it. it was at the mouth of a small river, which, as it drew near the sea, widened so suddenly that it looked like a lake. the country, for miles about, was threaded by little streams of water: which of them were sea making up, and which were river coming down, it was hard to tell. in early morning they were blue as the sky overhead; at sunset they glowed like a fiery net, suddenly flung over the grasses and rushes. great flocks of marsh birds dwelt year after year in these cool, green labyrinths, and made no small part of the changeful beauty of the picture, rising sometimes, suddenly, in a dusky cloud, and floating away, soaring, and sinking, and at last dropping out of sight again, as suddenly as they had risen. the meadows were vivid green in june, vivid claret in october: no other grass spreads such splendor of tint on so superb a palette, as the salt-marsh grasses on the low, wide stretches of some of new england's southern shores. sailing down this river, and keeping close to the left-hand bank, one came almost unawares on a sharp bend to the left: here the river suddenly ended, and the sea began; the rushes and reeds and high grasses ceased; a low, rocky barrier stayed them. rounding this point, lo, your boat swayed instantly to the left: a gentle surf-wave took possession of you, and irresistibly bore you towards a yellow sand beach, which curved inward like a reaper's sickle, not more than a quarter of a mile long, from the handle to the shining point; smooth and glistening, strewn with polished pebbles and tiny shells, it seemed some half-hidden magic beach on which shallops of fairies might any moment come to moor. on the farther point, so close to the sea that it seemed to rise out of the water, stood a high stone lighthouse, with a revolving light, whose rays swept the open sea for many miles. the opposite river bank was a much higher one, and ran farther out to sea. on this promontory was safe haven, a small, thickly settled town, whose spires and house-tops, as seen from the beach at “the runs,” looked always like a picture, painted on the sky; white on gray in the morning, gray on crimson at sunset. the farmhouse of which we have spoken stood only a few rods back from the beach, and yet it had green fields on either hand; and a row of balm of gilead trees in front; an old and sandy road, seldom disturbed by wheels, ran between these trees and the house, and rambled down towards the light-house. wild pea and pimpernel made this road gay; white clover and wild rose made it fragrant; and there branched off from it a lane, on which if you turned and strayed back into the fields, a mile or so, you came to thickets of wild azalia, and tracts of pink laurel; and, a little way farther in, you came to fresh-water ponds which in july were white with lilies. no storm ever lashed the water high on the beach at “the runs”; no sultriest summer calm ever stilled it; the even rhythm and delightsome cooling of its waves seemed to obey a law of their own, quite independent of the great booming sea outside the light-house bar.
in the quiet, and the beauty, and the keen salt air of this charmed spot, poor sally little lifted up her head, and began to live again, like a flower taken from desert sands and set by a spring. the baby also bloomed like a rose. in an incredibly short time, both mother and child had so altered that one would hardly have known them. the days went by, to them all, as days go by for children: unnamed, uncounted; only marked by joy of sleep, and the delight of waking. in after years, when hetty looked back upon these weeks, they seemed to her, not like a dream, which is usually the heart's first choice of a phrase to describe the swift flight of a happy time, but like a few days spent on some other planet, where, for the interval, she had been changed into a sort of supernatural child. except at night, they were never in the house. the harsh new england may laid aside for them all its treacheries, and was indeed the month of spring. their mornings they spent on the water, rowing or sailing; their afternoons in driving through the budding and blossoming country. always the baby lay in hetty's lap: from the beginning, his nurse had found herself perpetually set aside by hetty's imperious affection. as eben williams looked, day after day, on the picture which hetty and the baby made, he found himself day after day more and more bewildered by hetty. she had adopted towards him a uniform manner of cordial familiarity, which had in it, however, no shade of intimacy. if hetty had been the veriest coquette living, she could not have devised a more effectual charm to a man of eben williams's temperament. he had come out unscathed from many sieges which had been laid to him by women. he knew very well the ordinary methods, the atmosphere of the average wooing or wooable woman, and he was proof against them all. he was thirty years old and he had never yet been in love. but this woman, who treated him with the same easy, unconscious frankness with which men treat men, who never seemed to observe his going or his coming, otherwise than as it might affect her friend's need of him as a physician; this woman who seemed all mother while she was holding the baby, and all boy while she was trying, under old captain mayhew's guidance to learn to sail a boat; this woman who was a spinster in years, and a child in simplicity and directness; who was beautiful, and never once thought of her beauty; who was alone, and never seemed lonely: she was a perpetual problem and fascination to him. dr. eben was not usually given to concerning himself much as to other people's opinion of him: but he found himself for ever wondering what hetty gunn thought of him; whether she were beginning to lose any of her old prejudice against him; and whether, after this seaside idyl were over, he should ever see her again. the more he pondered, the less he could solve the question. no wonder. the simple truth was that hetty was not thinking about him at all. she had accepted the whole situation with frankness and good sense: she found him kind, helpful, cheery, and entertaining; the embarrassments she had feared, did not arise, and she was very glad of it. she often said to herself: “the doctor is very sensible. he does not show any foolish feeling of resentment;” and she felt a sincere and increasing gratitude to him, because sally and her child were fast regaining health under his care. but, beyond this, hetty did not occupy her thoughts with dr. eben. it had never been her way to think about men, as most women think about them: good comradeship seemed to be all that she was capable of towards a man. dr. eben said this to himself hundreds of times each day; and then hundreds of other times each day, as he watched the looks which she bent on the baby in her arms, he knew that he had said what was not true; that there must be unstirred depths in her nature, which only the great forces of love could move. all this time dr. eben fancied that he was simply analyzing hetty as a psychological study. he would have admitted frankly to any one, that she interested him more than any woman he had ever seen, puzzled him more, occupied his thoughts more; but that he could be in love with this rather eccentric middle-aged woman, beautiful though she was, dr. eben would have warmly denied. his ideal maiden, the woman whom he had been for ten years confidently expecting some day to find, woo, and win, was quite unlike hetty; unlike even what hetty must have been in her youth: she was to be slender and graceful; gentle as a dove; vivacious, but in no wise opinionated, gracious and suave and versed in all elegancies; cultured too, and of a rare, fine wit: so easy is it for the heart to garnish its unfilled chambers, and picture forth the sort of guest it will choose to entertain. meanwhile, by doors which the heart knows not of, quietly enters a guest of quite different presence, takes up abode, is lodged and fed by angels, till grown a very monarch in possession and control, it suddenly surprises the heart into an absolute and unconditional allegiance; and this is like what the apostle meant, when he said,—
“the kingdom of god cometh not by observation.”
when hetty said to dr. eben, one night, “i really think we must go home. sally seems perfectly well, and baby too: do you not think it will be quite safe to take them back?” he gave an actual start, and colored. professionally, dr. eben was more ashamed of himself in that instant than he had ever been in his life. he had absolutely forgotten, for many days, that it was in the capacity of a physician that he was living on this shore of the sea. they had been at “the runs” now two months; and, except in his weekly visits to lonway corners, he had hardly recollected that he was a physician at all. the sea and the wind had been sally's real physicians, and the baby's; and as for the other two, in the happy quartette, had they needed a physician? perhaps; but no physician was there for them.
“certainly! certainly!” he stammered, “it will be safe;” and his face grew redder and redder, as he spoke. hetty looked at him in honest amazement. she could put but one interpretation on his manner.
“why, there is no need of our going yet, if it isn't best. don't look so! sally can stay here all summer if it will do her good.”
“you misunderstood me, miss gunn,” said the doctor, now himself again. “it will really be perfectly safe for mrs. little to go home. she is entirely well.”
“what did you mean then?” said hetty, looking him straight in the eye with honest perplexity in her face. “you looked as if you didn't think it best to go.”
“no, miss gunn,” replied dr. eben. “i looked as if i did not want to go. it has been so pleasant here: that was all.”
“oh,” said hetty, in a relieved tone, “was that it? i feel just so, too: it has been delightful; it is the only real play-spell i ever had in my life. but for all that i'm really impatient to get home: they need me on the farm; the men have not been doing just as they ought to. jim little is all right when i'm there; but they take advantage of him when i'm away. i really must get home before haying. i think we must certainly go some day next week.”
dr. eben was just going over to town for the letters. as he walked slowly down to the beach, he said to himself:
“haying! by jove!” and this was pretty much all he thought during the whole of the hour that he spent in rowing to and from the safe haven wharf. “haying!” he ejaculated again, and again. “what a woman that is! i believe if we were all dead, she'd have just as keen an eye to that haying!”
by “we all” in that sentence of his soliloquy, dr. eben really meant “i.” he was beginning to be half aware of a personal unhappiness, because hetty showed no more consciousness of his existence. her few words this morning about returning home had produced startling results in his mind; like those a chemist sometimes sees in his crucible, when, on throwing in a single drop of some powerful agent, he discovers by its instantaneous and infallible test, the presence of things he had not suspected were there. dr. eben williams clenched his hands as he paced up and down the beach. he did not wish to love hetty gunn. he did not approve of loving hetty gunn; but love her he did with the whole strength of his soul. in this one brief hour, he had become aware of it. what would be its result, in vain he tried to conjecture. one moment, he said to himself that it was not in hetty's nature to love any man; the next moment, with a lover's inconsistency, he reproached himself for a thought so unjust to her: one moment, he rated himself soundly for his weakness, and told himself sternly that it was plain hetty cared no more for him than she did for one of her farm laborers; the next moment, he fell into reverie full of a vague and hopeful recalling of all the kind and familiar things she had ever done or said. the sum and substance of his meditations was, however, that nothing should lead him to commit the folly of asking hetty to marry him, unless her present manner toward him changed.
“i dare say she would laugh in my face,” thought he; “i don't know but that she would in any man's face who should ask her,” and, armed and panoplied in this resolution, dr. eben walked up to the spot where hetty sat under one of the old balm of gilead trees sewing, with the baby in its cradle at her feet. it was still early morning: the safe haven spires shone in the sun, and the little fishing schooners were racing out to sea before the wind. this was one of the prettiest sights from the beach at “the runs.” every morning scores of little fishing vessels came down the river, shot past like arrows, and disappeared beyond the bar. at night they came home again slowly; sometimes with their sails cross-set, which made them look like great white butterflies skimming the water. hetty never wearied of watching them: still pictures never wholly pleased her. the things in nature which had motion, evident aim, purpose, arrested her eye, and gave her delight.
“i haven't learned to sail a boat yet, after all,” she said regretfully, as the doctor came up. “only see how lovely they are. i wish i could buy this whole place, and carry it home. i think we will all come here again next summer.”
“not all,” said dr. eben; “i shall not be here with you.”
“no, i hope not,” replied hetty, unconsciously. dr. eben laughed outright: her tone was so unaffectedly honest.
“oh, you know what i mean,” exclaimed hetty, “i mean, i hope sally will not have to bring you as a physician. of course, there is nothing to hinder your coming here at any time, if you like,” she added, in a kindly but indifferent tone.
“but i should not want to come alone,” said the doctor.
“no,” said hetty, reflectively. “it would be dull, i shouldn't like it myself, to be here all alone. the sea is the loneliest of things in the universe, i think. the fields and the woods and the hills all look as if they had good fellowship with each other perpetually; but the great, blank, bare sea, looks for ever alone; and sometimes the waves seem to me to run up on the shore as fiercely as starved wolves leaping on prey!”
“not on this little comfortable beach, though,” said dr. eben.
“oh, no!” replied hetty, “i did not mean such sea-shore as this. but even here, i should find it sad if i were alone.”
“all places are sad if one is alone, miss gunn,” replied the doctor, in a pensive tone, rare with him. hetty turned a surprised glance at him, and did not speak for a moment. then she said:
“yes; but nobody need be alone: there are always plenty of people to take into one's house. if you are lonely, why don't you get somebody to live with you, or you might be married,” she added, in as purely matter-of-fact a tone, as she would have said, “you might take a journey,” or “you might build on a wing to your house.”
this suggestion sounded oddly enough, coming so soon from the lips of the woman whom the doctor had just been ardently wishing he could marry; but its cool and unembarrassed tone was sufficient to corroborate his utmost disheartenment.
“ah!” he thought, “i knew she didn't care any thing for me!” and he fell into a silent brown study which hetty did not attempt to break. this was one among her many charms to dr. eben, that she was capable of sitting quietly by a person's side for long intervals of silence. the average woman, when she is in the company of even a single person, seems to consider herself derelict in duty, if conversation is not what she calls “kept up;” an instinctive phrase, which, by its universal use, is the bitterest comment on its own significance. men have no such feeling. two men will sit by each other's side, it may be for hours, in silence, and feel no derogation from good comradeship. why should not women? the answer is too evident. women have a perpetual craving to be recognized, to be admired; and a large part of their ceaseless chatter is no more nor less than a surface device to call your attention to them; as little children continually pull your gown to make you look at them. hetty was incapable of this. she was a vivacious talker when she had any thing to say; but a most dogged holder of her tongue when she had not. in this instance she had nothing to say, and she did not speak: the doctor had so much to say that he did not speak, and they sat in silence till the shrill bell from the farm-house door called them to dinner. as they walked slowly up to the house, the doctor said:
“you don't wonder that i hate to go away from this lovely place, do you, miss gunn?”
any other woman but hetty would have felt something which was in his tone, though not in his words. but hetty answered bluntly:
“yes, i do wonder; it is very lovely here: but i should think you'd want to be at work; i do. i think we've had play-spell enough; for, after all, it hasn't been any thing but play-spell for you and me.”
“now she despises me,” thought poor dr. eben. “she hasn't any tolerance in her, anyhow,” and he was grave and preoccupied all through dinner.
