june first.
i began this journal last new year's—wrote two entries in it and then forgot all about it. i came across it today in a rummage—sara insists on my cleaning things out thoroughly every once in so long—and i'm going to keep it up. i feel the need of a confidant of some kind, even if it is only an inanimate journal. i have no other. and i cannot talk my thoughts over with sara—she is so unsympathetic.
sara is a dear good soul and i love her as much as she will let me. i am also very grateful to her. she brought me up when our mother died. no doubt she had a hard time of it, poor dear, for i never was easily brought up, perversely preferring to come up in my own way. but sara did her duty unflinchingly and—well, it's not for me to say that the result does her credit. but it really does, considering the material she had to work with. i'm a bundle of faults as it is, but i tremble to think what i would have been if there had been no sara.
yes, i love sara, and i'm grateful to her. but she doesn't understand me in the least. perhaps it is because she is so much older than i am, but it doesn't seem to me that sara could really ever have been young. she laughs at things i consider the most sacred and calls me a romantic girl, in a tone of humorous toleration. i am chilled and thrown back on myself, and the dreams and confidences i am bubbling over with have no outlet. sara couldn't understand—she is so practical. when i go to her with some beautiful thought i have found in a book or poem she is quite likely to say, "yes, yes, but i noticed this morning that the braid was loose on your skirt, beatrice. better go and sew it on before you forget again. 'a stitch in time saves nine.'"
when i come home from a concert or lecture, yearning to talk over the divine music or the wonderful new ideas with her, she will say, "yes, yes, but are you sure you didn't get your feet damp? better go and change your stockings, my dear. 'an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.'"
so i have given up trying to talk things over with sara. this old journal will be better.
last night sara and i went to mrs. trent's musicale. i had to sing and i had the loveliest new gown for the occasion. at first sara thought my old blue dress would do. she said we must economize this summer and told me i was entirely too extravagant in the matter of clothes. i cried about it after i went to bed. sara looked at me very sharply the next morning without saying anything. in the afternoon she went uptown and bought some lovely pale yellow silk organdie. she made it up herself—sara is a genius at dressmaking—and it was the prettiest gown at the musicale. sara wore her old grey silk made over. sara doesn't care anything about dress, but then she is forty.
walter shirley was at the trents'. the shirleys are a new family here; they moved to atwater two months ago. walter is the oldest son and has been at college in marlboro all winter so that nobody here knew him until he came home a fortnight ago. he is very handsome and distinguished-looking and everybody says he is so clever. he plays the violin just beautifully and has such a melting, sympathetic voice and the loveliest deep, dark, inscrutable eyes. i asked sara when we came home if she didn't think he was splendid.
"he'd be a nice boy if he wasn't rather conceited," said sara.
after that it was impossible to say anything more about mr. shirley.
i am glad he is going to be in atwater all summer. we have so few really nice young men here; they go away just as soon as they grow up and those who stay are just the muffs. i wonder if i shall see mr. shirley soon again.
june thirtieth.
it does not seem possible that it is only a month since my last entry. it seems more like a year—a delightful year. i can't believe that i am the same beatrice mason who wrote then. and i am not, either. she was just a simple little girl, knowing nothing but romantic dreams. i feel that i am very much changed. life seems so grand and high and beautiful. i want to be a true noble woman. only such a woman could be worthy of—of—a fine, noble man. but when i tried to say something like this to sara she replied calmly:
"my dear child, the average woman is quite good enough for the average man. if she can cook his meals decently and keep his buttons sewed on and doesn't nag him he will think that life is a pretty comfortable affair. and that reminds me, i saw holes in your black lace stockings yesterday. better go and darn them at once. 'procrastination is the thief of time.'"
sara cannot understand.
blanche lawrence was married yesterday to ted martin. i thought it the most solemn and sacred thing i had ever listened to—the marriage ceremony, i mean. i had never thought much about it before. i don't see how blanche could care anything for ted—he is so stout and dumpy; with shallow blue eyes and a little pale moustache. i must say i do not like fair men. but there is no doubt that he and blanche love each other devotedly and that fact sufficed to make the service very beautiful to me—those two people pledging each other to go through life together, meeting its storm and sunshine hand in hand, thinking joy the sweeter because they shared it, finding sorrow sacred because it came to them both.
when sara and i walked home from the church sara said, "well, considering the chances she has had, blanche lawrence hasn't done so well after all."
"oh, sara," i cried, "she has married the man she loves and who loves her. what better is there to do? i thought it beautiful."
"they should have waited another year at least," said sara severely. "ted martin has only been practising law for a year, and he had nothing to begin with. he can't have made enough in one year in atwater to justify him in setting up housekeeping. i think a man ought to be ashamed of himself to take a girl from a good home to an uncertainty like that."
"not if she loved him and was willing to share the uncertainty," i said softly.
"love won't pay the butcher's bill," said sara with a sniff, "and landlords have an unfeeling preference for money over affection. besides, blanche is a mere child, far too young to be burdened with the responsibilities of life."
blanche is twenty—two years older than i am. but sara talks as if i were a mere infant.
july thirtieth.
oh, i am so happy! i wonder if there is another girl in the world as happy as i am tonight. no, of course there cannot be, because there is only one walter!
walter and i are engaged. it happened last night when we were sitting out in the moonlight under the silver maple on the lawn. i cannot write down what he said—the words are too sacred and beautiful to be kept anywhere but in my own heart forever and ever as long as i live. and i don't remember just what i said. but we understood each other perfectly at last.
of course sara had to do her best to spoil things. just as walter had taken my hand in his and bent forward with his splendid earnest eyes just burning into mine, and my heart was beating so furiously, sara came to the front door and called out, "beatrice! beatrice! have you your rubbers on? and don't you think it is too damp out there for you in that heavy dew? better come into the house, both of you. walter has a cold now."
"oh, we'll be in soon, sara," i said impatiently. but we didn't go in for an hour, and when we did sara was cross, and after walter had gone she told me i was a very silly girl to be so reckless of my health and risk getting pneumonia loitering out in the dew with a sentimental boy.
i had had some vague thoughts of telling sara all about my new happiness, for it was so great i wanted to talk it over with somebody, but i couldn't after that. oh, i wish i had a mother! she could understand. but sara cannot.
walter and i have decided to keep our engagement a secret for a month—just our own beautiful secret unshared by anyone. then before he goes back to college he is going to tell sara and ask her consent. i don't think sara will refuse it exactly. she really likes walter very well. but i know she will be horrid and i just dread it. she will say i am too young and that a boy like walter has no business to get engaged until he is through college and that we haven't known each other long enough to know anything about each other and that we are only a pair of romantic children. and after she has said all this and given a disapproving consent she will begin to train me up in the way a good housekeeper should go, and talk to me about table linen and the best way to manage a range and how to tell if a chicken is really a chicken or only an old hen. oh, i know sara! she will set the teeth of my spirit on edge a dozen times a day and rub all the bloom off my dear, only, little romance with her horrible practicalities. i know one must learn about those things of course and i do want to make walter's home the best and dearest and most comfortable spot on earth for him and be the very best little wife and housekeeper i can be when the time comes. but i want to dream my dreams first and sara will wake me up so early to realities.
this is why we determined to keep one month sacred to ourselves. walter will graduate next spring—he is to be a doctor—and then he intends to settle down in atwater and work up a practice. i am sure he will succeed for everyone likes him so much. but we are to be married as soon as he is through college because he has a little money of his own—enough to set up housekeeping in a modest way with care and economy. i know sara will talk about risk and waiting and all that just as she did in ted martin's case. but then sara does not understand.
oh, i am so happy! it almost frightens me—i don't see how anything so wonderful can last. but it will last, for nothing can ever separate walter and me, and as long as we are together and love each other this great happiness will be mine. oh, i want to be so good and noble for his sake. i want to make life "one grand sweet song." i have gone about the house today feeling like a woman consecrated and set apart from other women by walter's love. nothing could spoil it, not even when sara scolded me for letting the preserves burn in the kettle because i forgot to stir them while i was planning out our life together. sara said she really did not know what would happen to me some day if i was so careless and forgetful. but then, sara does not understand.
august twentieth.
it is all over. life is ended for me and i do not know how i can face the desolate future. walter and i have quarrelled and our engagement is broken. he is gone and my heart is breaking.
i hardly know how it began. i'm sure i never meant to flirt with jack ray. i never did flirt with him either, in spite of walter's unmanly accusations. but walter has been jealous of jack all summer, although he knew perfectly well he needn't be, and two nights ago at the morley dance poor jack seemed so dull and unhappy that i tried to cheer him up a little and be kind to him. i danced with him three times and sat out another dance just to talk with him in a real sisterly fashion. but walter was furious and last night when he came up he said horrid things—things no girl of any spirit could endure, and things he could never have said to me if he had really cared one bit for me. we had a frightful quarrel and when i saw plainly that walter no longer loved me i told him that he was free and that i never wanted to see him again and that i hated him. he glared at me and said that i should have my wish—i never should see him again and he hoped he would never again meet such a faithless, fickle girl. then he went away and slammed the front door.
i cried all night, but today i went about the house singing. i would not for the world let other people know how walter has treated me. i will hide my broken heart under a smiling face bravely. but, oh, i am so miserable! just as soon as i am old enough i mean to go away and be a trained nurse. there is nothing else left in life for me. sara does not suspect that anything is wrong and i am so thankful she does not. she would not understand.
september sixth.
today i read this journal over and thought i would burn it, it is so silly. but on second thought i concluded to keep it as a reminder of how blind and selfish i was and how good sara is. for i am happy again and everything is all right, thanks to sara. the very day after our quarrel walter left atwater. he did not have to return to college for three weeks, but he went to visit some friends down in charlotteville and i heard—mollie roach told me—mollie roach was always wild about walter herself—that he was not coming back again, but would go right on to marlboro from charlotteville. i smiled squarely at mollie as if i didn't care a particle, but i can't describe how i felt. i knew then that i had really been hoping that something would happen in three weeks to make our quarrel up. in a small place like atwater people in the same set can't help meeting. but walter had gone and i should never see him again, and what was worse i knew he didn't care or he wouldn't have gone.
i bore it in silence for three weeks, but i will shudder to the end of my life when i remember those three weeks. night before last sara came up to my room where i was lying on my bed with my face in the pillow. i wasn't crying—i couldn't cry. there was just a dreadful dull ache in everything. sara sat down on the rocker in front of the window and the sunset light came in behind her and made a sort of nimbus round her head, like a motherly saint's in a cathedral.
"beatrice," she said gently, "i want to know what the trouble is. you can't hide it from me that something is wrong. i've noticed it for some time. you don't eat anything and you cry all night—oh, yes, i know you do. what is it, dear?"
"oh, sara!"
i just gave a little cry, slipped from the bed to the floor, laid my head in her lap, and told her everything. it was such a relief, and such a relief to feel those good motherly arms around me and to realize that here was a love that would never fail me no matter what i did or how foolish i was. sara heard me out and then she said, without a word of reproach or contempt, "it will all come out right yet, dear. write to walter and tell him you are sorry."
"sara, i never could! he doesn't love me any longer—he said he hoped he'd never see me again."
"didn't you say the same to him, child? he meant it as little as you did. don't let your foolish pride keep you miserable."
"if walter won't come back to me without my asking him he'll never come, sara," i said stubbornly.
sara didn't scold or coax any more. she patted my head and kissed me and made me bathe my face and go to bed. then she tucked me in just as she used to do when i was a little girl.
"now, don't cry, dear," she said, "it will come right yet."
somehow, i began to hope it would when sara thought so, and anyhow it was such a comfort to have talked it all over with her. i slept better than i had for a long time, and it was seven o'clock yesterday morning when i woke to find that it was a dull grey day outside and that sara was standing by my bed with her hat and jacket on.
"i'm going down to junction falls on the 7:30 train to see mr. conway about coming to fix the back kitchen floor," she said, "and i have some other business that may keep me for some time, so don't be anxious if i'm not back till late. give the bread a good kneading in an hour's time and be careful not to bake it too much."
that was a dismal day. it began to rain soon after sara left and it just poured. i never saw a soul all day except the milkman, and i was really frantic by night. i never was so glad of anything as when i heard sara's step on the verandah. i flew to the front door to let her in—and there was walter all dripping wet—and his arms were about me and i was crying on the shoulder of his mackintosh.
i only guessed then what i knew later on. sara had heard from mrs. shirley that walter was going to marlboro that day without coming back to atwater. sara knew that he must change trains at junction falls and she went there to meet him. she didn't know what train he would come on so she went to meet the earliest and had to wait till the last, hanging around the dirty little station at the falls all day while it poured rain, and she hadn't a thing to eat except some fancy biscuits she had bought on the train. but walter came at last on the 7:50 train and there was sara to pounce on him. he told me afterwards that no angel could have been so beautiful a vision to him as sara was, standing there on the wet platform with her tweed skirt held up and a streaming umbrella over her head, telling him he must come back to atwater because beatrice wanted him to.
but just at the moment of his coming i didn't care how he had come or who had brought him. i just realized that he was there and that was enough. sara came in behind him. walter's wet arms were about me and i was standing there with my thin-slippered feet in a little pool of water that dripped from his umbrella. but sara never said a word about colds and dampness. she just smiled, went on into the sitting-room, and shut the door. sara understood.
