january first.
aunt jemima gave me this diary for a christmas present. it's just the sort of gift a person named jemima would be likely to make.
i can't imagine why aunt jemima thought i should like a diary. probably she didn't think about it at all. i suppose it happened to be the first thing she saw when she started out to do her christmas duty by me, and so she bought it. i'm sure i'm the last girl in the world to keep a diary. i'm not a bit sentimental and i never have time for soul outpourings. it's jollier to be out skating or snowshoeing or just tramping around. and besides, nothing ever happens to me worth writing in a diary.
still, since aunt jemima gave it to me, i'm going to get the good out of it. i don't believe in wasting even a diary. father ... it would be easier to write "dad," but dad sounds disrespectful in a diary ... says i have a streak of old grandmother marshall's economical nature in me. so i'm going to write in this book whenever i have anything that might, by any stretch of imagination, be supposed worth while.
jen and alice and sue would have plenty to write about, i dare say. they certainly seem to have jolly times ... and as for the men ... but there! people say men are interesting. they may be. but i shall never get well enough acquainted with any of them to find out.
mother says it is high time i gave up my tomboy ways and came "out" too, because i am eighteen. i coaxed off this winter. it wasn't very hard, because no mother with three older unmarried girls on her hands would be very anxious to bring out a fourth. the girls took my part and advised mother to let me be a child as long as possible. mother yielded for this time, but said i must be brought out next winter or people would talk. oh, i hate the thought of it! people might talk about my not being brought out, but they will talk far more about the blunders i shall make.
the doleful fact is, i'm too wretchedly shy and awkward to live. it fills my soul with terror to think of donning long dresses and putting my hair up and going into society. i can't talk and men frighten me to death. i fall over things as it is, and what will it be with long dresses? as far back as i can remember it has been my one aim and object in life to escape company. oh, if only one need never grow up! if i could only go back four years and stay there!
mother laments over it muchly. she says she doesn't know what she has done to have such a shy, unpresentable daughter. i know. she married grandmother marshall's son, and grandmother marshall was as shy as she was economical. mother triumphed over heredity with jen and sue and alice, but it came off best with me. the other girls are noted for their grace and tact. but i'm the black sheep and always will be. it wouldn't worry me so much if they'd leave me alone and stop nagging me. "oh, for a lodge in some vast wilderness," where there were no men, no parties, no dinners ... just quantities of dogs and horses and skating ponds and woods! i need never put on long dresses then, but just be a jolly little girl forever.
however, i've got one beautiful year before me yet, and i mean to make the most of it.
january tenth.
it is rather good to have a diary to pour out your woes in when you feel awfully bad and have no one to sympathize with you. i've been used to shutting them all up in my soul and then they sometimes fermented and made trouble.
we had a lot of people here to dinner tonight, and that made me miserable to begin with. i had to dress up in a stiff white dress with a sash, and jen tied two big white fly-away bows on my hair that kept rasping my neck and tickling my ears in a most exasperating way. then an old lady whom i detest tried to make me talk before everybody, and all i could do was to turn as red as a beet and stammer: "yes, ma'am," "no, ma'am." it made mother furious, because it is so old-fashioned to say "ma'am." our old nurse taught me to say it when i was small, and though it has been pretty well governessed out of me since then, it's sure to pop up when i get confused and nervous.
sue ... may it be accounted unto her for righteousness ... contrived that i should go out to dinner with old mr. grant, because she knew he goes to dinners for the sake of eating and never talks or wants anybody else to. but when we were crossing the hall i stepped on mrs. burnett's train and something tore. mrs. burnett gave me a furious look and glowered all through dinner. the meal was completely spoiled for me and i could find no comfort, even in the nesselrode pudding, which is my favourite dessert.
it was just when the pudding came on that i got the most unkindest cut of all. mrs. allardyce remarked that sidney elliot was coming home to stillwater.
everybody exclaimed and questioned and seemed delighted. i saw mother give one quick, involuntary look at jen, and then gaze steadfastly at mr. grant to atone for it. jen is twenty-six, and stillwater is next door to our place!
as for me, i was so vexed that i might as well have been eating chips for all the good that nesselrode pudding was to me. if sidney elliot were coming home everything would be spoiled. there would be no more ramblings in the stillwater woods, no more delightful skating on the stillwater lake. stillwater has been the only place in the world where i could find the full joy of solitude, and now this, too, was to be taken from me. we had no woods, no lake. i hated sidney elliot.
it is ten years since sidney elliot closed stillwater and went abroad. he has stayed abroad ever since and nobody has missed him, i'm sure. i remember him dimly as a tall dark man who used to lounge about alone in his garden and was always reading books. sometimes he came into our garden and teased us children. he is said to be a cynic and to detest society. if this latter item be a fact i almost feel a grim pity for him. he may detest it, but he will be dragged into it. rich bachelors are few and far between in riverton, and the mammas will hunt him down.
i feel like crying. if sidney elliot comes home i shall be debarred from stillwater. i have roamed its demesnes for ten beautiful years, and i'm sure i love them a hundredfold better than he does, or can. it is flagrantly unfair. oh, i hate him!
january twentieth.
no, i don't. i believe i like him. yet it's almost unbelievable. i've always thought men so detestable.
i'm tingling all over with the surprise and pleasure of a little unexpected adventure. for the first time i have something really worth writing in a diary ... and i'm glad i have a diary to write it in. blessings on aunt jemima! may her shadow never grow less.
this evening i started out for a last long lingering ramble in my beloved stillwater woods. the last, i thought, because i knew sidney elliot was expected home next week, and after that i'd have to be cooped up on our lawn. i dressed myself comfortably for climbing fences and skimming over snowy wastes. that is, i put on the shortest old tweed skirt i have and a red jacket with sleeves three years behind the fashion, but jolly pockets to put your hands in, and a still redder tam. thus accoutred, i sallied forth.
it was such a lovely evening that i couldn't help enjoying myself in spite of my sorrows. the sun was low and creamy, and the snow was so white and the shadows so slender and blue. all through the lovely stillwater woods was a fine frosty stillness. it was splendid to skim down those long wonderful avenues of crusted snow, with the mossy grey boles on either hand, and overhead the lacing, leafless boughs, i just drank in the air and the beauty until my very soul was thrilling, and i went on and on and on until i was most delightfully lost. that is, i didn't know just where i was, but the woods weren't so big but that i'd be sure to come out safely somewhere; and, oh, it was so glorious to be there all alone and never a creature to worry me.
at last i turned into a long aisle that seemed to lead right out into the very heart of a deep-red overflowing winter sunset. at its end i found a fence, and i climbed up on that fence and sat there, so comfortably, with my back against a big beech and my feet dangling.
then i saw him!
i knew it was sidney elliot in a moment. he was just as tall and just as black-eyed; he was still given to lounging evidently, for he was leaning against the fence a panel away from me and looking at me with an amused smile. after my first mad impulse to rush away and bury myself in the wilderness that smile put me at ease. if he had looked grave or polite i would have been as miserably shy as i've always been in a man's presence. but it was the smile of a grandfather for a child, and i just grinned cheerfully back at him.
he ploughed along through the thick drift that was soft and spongy by the fence and came close up to me.
"you must be little cornelia," he said with another aged smile. "or rather, you were little cornelia. i suppose you are big cornelia now and want to be treated like a young lady?"
"indeed, i don't," i protested. "i'm not grown up and i don't want to be. you are mr. elliot, i suppose. nobody expected you till next week. what made you come so soon?"
"a whim of mine," he said. "i'm full of whims and crotchets. old bachelors always are. but why did you ask that question in a tone which seemed to imply that you resented my coming so soon, miss cornelia?"
"oh, don't tack the miss on," i implored. "call me cornelia ... or better still, nic, as dad does. i do resent your coming so soon. i resent your coming at all. and, oh, it is such a satisfaction to tell you so."
he smiled with his eyes ... a deep, black, velvety smile. but he shook his head sorrowfully.
"i must be getting very old," he said. "it's a sign of age when a person finds himself unwelcome and superfluous."
"your age has nothing to do with it," i retorted. "it is because stillwater is the only place i have to run wild in ... and running wild is all i'm fit for. it's so lovely and roomy i can lose myself in it. i shall die or go mad if i'm cooped up on our little pocket handkerchief of a lawn."
"but why should you be?" he inquired gravely.
i reflected ... and was surprised.
"after all, i don't know ... now ... why i should be," i admitted. "i thought you wouldn't want me prowling about your domains. besides, i was afraid i'd meet you ... and i don't like meeting men. i hate to have them around ... i'm so shy and awkward."
"do you find me very dreadful?" he asked.
i reflected again ... and was again surprised.
"no, i don't. i don't mind you a bit ... any more than if you were dad."
"then you mustn't consider yourself an exile from stillwater. the woods are yours to roam in at will, and if you want to roam them alone you may, and if you'd like a companion once in a while command me. let's be good friends, little lass. shake hands on it."
i slipped down from the fence and shook hands with him. i did like him very much ... he was so nice and unaffected and brotherly ... just as if i'd known him all my life. we walked down the long white avenue, where everything was growing dusky, and i had told him all my troubles before we got to the end of it. he was so sympathetic and agreed with me that it was a pity people had to grow up. he promised to come over tomorrow and look at don's leg. don is one of my dogs, and he has got a bad leg. i've been doctoring it myself, but it doesn't get any better. sidney thinks he can cure it. he says i must call him sidney if i want him to call me nic.
when we got to the lake, there it lay all gleaming and smooth as glass ... the most tempting thing.
"what a glorious possible slide," he said. "let us have it, little lass."
he took my hand and we ran down the slope and went skimming over the ice. it was glorious. the house came in sight as we reached the other side. it was big and dark and silent.
"so the old place is still standing," said sidney, looking up at it. in the dusk i thought his face had a tender, reverent look instead of the rather mocking expression it had worn all along.
"haven't you been there yet?" i asked quickly.
"no. i'm stopping at the hotel over in croyden. the house will need some fixing up before it's fit to live in. i just came down tonight to look at it and took a short cut through the woods. i'm glad i did. it was worth while to see you come tramping down that long white avenue when you thought yourself alone with the silence. i thought i had never seen a child so full of the pure joy of existence. hold fast to that, little lass, as long as you can. you'll never find anything to take its place after it goes. you jolly little child!"
"i'm eighteen," i said suddenly. i don't know what made me say it.
he laughed and pulled his coat collar up around his ears.
"never," he mocked. "you're about twelve ... stay twelve, and always wear red caps and jackets, you vivid thing: good night."
he was off across the lake, and i came home. yes, i do like him, even if he is a man.
february twentieth.
i've found out what diaries are for ... to work off blue moods in, moods that come on without any reason whatever and therefore can't be confided to any fellow creature. you scribble away for a while ... and then it's all gone ... and your soul feels clear as crystal once more.
i always go to sidney now in a blue mood that has a real cause. he can cheer me up in five minutes. but in such a one as this, which is quite unaccountable, there's nothing for it but a diary.
sidney has been living at stillwater for a month. it seems as if he must have lived there always.
he came to our place the next day after i met him in the woods. everybody made a fuss over him, but he shook them off with an ease i envied and whisked me out to see don's leg. he has fixed it up so that it is as good as new now, and the dogs like him almost better than they like me.
we have had splendid times since then. we are just the jolliest chums and we tramp about everywhere together and go skating and snowshoeing and riding. we read a lot of books together too, and sidney always explains everything i don't understand. i'm not a bit shy and i can always find plenty to say to him. he isn't at all like any other man i know.
everybody likes him, but the women seem to be a little afraid of him. they say he is so terribly cynical and satirical. he goes into society a good bit, although he says it bores him. he says he only goes because it would bore him worse to stay home alone.
there's only one thing about sidney that i hardly like. i think he rather overdoes it in the matter of treating me as if i were a little girl. of course, i don't want him to look upon me as grown up. but there is a medium in all things, and he really needn't talk as if he thought i was a child of ten and had no earthly interest in anything but sports and dogs. these are the best things ... i suppose ... but i understand lots of other things too, only i can't convince sidney that i do. i know he is laughing at me when i try to show him i'm not so childish as he thinks me. he's indulgent and whimsical, just as he would be with a little girl who was making believe to be grown up. perhaps next winter, when i put on long dresses and come out, he'll stop regarding me as a child. but next winter is so horribly far off.
the day we were fussing with don's leg i told sidney that mother said i'd have to be grown up next winter and how i hated it, and i made him promise that when the time came he would use all his influence to beg me off for another year. he said he would, because it was a shame to worry children about society. but somehow i've concluded not to bother making a fuss. i have to come out some time, and i might as well take the plunge and get it over.
mrs. burnett was here this evening fixing up some arrangements for a charity bazaar she and jen are interested in, and she talked most of the time about sidney ... for jen's benefit, i suppose, although jen and sid don't get on at all. they fight every time they meet, so i don't see why mrs. burnett should think things.
"i wonder what he'll do when mrs. rennie comes to the glasgows' next month," said mrs. burnett.
"why should he do anything?" asked jen.
"oh, well, you know there was something between them ... an understanding if not an engagement ... before she married rennie. they met abroad ... my sister told me all about it ... and mr. elliot was quite infatuated with her. she was a very handsome and fascinating girl. then she threw him over and married old jacob rennie ... for his millions, of course, for he certainly had nothing else to recommend him. amy says mr. elliot was never the same man again. but jacob died obligingly two years ago and mrs. rennie is free now; so i dare say they'll make it up. no doubt that is why she is coming to riverton. well, it would be a very suitable match."
i'm so glad i never liked mrs. burnett.
i wonder if it is true that sidney did care for that horrid woman ... of course she is horrid! didn't she marry an old man for his money?... and cares for her still. it is no business of mine, of course, and it doesn't matter to me at all. but i rather hope he doesn't ... because it would spoil everything if he got married. he wouldn't have time to be chums with me then.
i don't know why i feel so dull tonight. writing in this diary doesn't seem to have helped me as much as i thought it would, either. i dare say it's the weather. it must be the weather. it is a wet, windy night and the rain is thudding against the window. i hate rainy nights.
i wonder if mrs. rennie is really as handsome as mrs. burnett says. i wonder how old she is. i wonder if she ever cared for sidney ... no, she didn't. no woman who cared for sidney could ever have thrown him over for an old moneybag. i wonder if i shall like her. no, i won't. i'm sure i shan't like her.
my head is aching and i'm going to bed.
march tenth.
mrs. rennie was here to dinner tonight. my head was aching again, and mother said i needn't go down to dinner if i'd rather not; but a dozen headaches could not have kept me back, or a dozen men either, even supposing i'd have to talk to them all. i wanted to see mrs. rennie. nothing has been talked of in riverton for the last fortnight but mrs. rennie. i've heard of her beauty and charm and costumes until i'm sick of the subject. today i spoke to sidney about her. before i thought i said right out, "mrs. rennie is to dine with us tonight."
"yes?" he said in a quiet voice.
"i'm dying to see her," i went on recklessly. "i've heard so much about her. they say she's so beautiful and fascinating. is she? you ought to know."
sidney swung the sled around and put it in position for another coast.
"yes, i know her," he admitted tranquilly. "she is a very handsome woman, and i suppose most people would consider her fascinating. come, nic, get on the sled. we have just time for one more coast, and then you must go in."
"you were once a good friend ... a very good friend ... of mrs. rennie's, weren't you, sid?" i said.
a little mocking gleam crept into his eyes, and i instantly realized that he was looking upon me as a rather impertinent child.
"you've been listening to gossip, nic," he said. "it's a bad habit, child. don't let it grow on you. come."
i went, feeling crushed and furious and ashamed.
i knew her at once when i went down to the drawing-room. there were three other strange women there, but i knew she was the only one who could be mrs. rennie. i felt such a horrible queer sinking feeling at my heart when i saw her. oh, she was beautiful ... i had never seen anyone so beautiful. and sidney was standing beside her, talking to her, with a smile on his face, but none in his eyes ... i noticed that at a glance.
she was so tall and slender and willowy. her dress was wonderful, and her bare throat and shoulders were like pearls. her hair was pale, pale gold, and her eyes long-lashed and sweet, and her mouth like a scarlet blossom against her creamy face. i thought of how i must look beside her ... an awkward little girl in a short skirt with my hair in a braid and too many hands and feet, and i would have given anything then to be tall and grown-up and graceful.
i watched her all the evening and the queer feeling in me somewhere grew worse and worse. i couldn't eat anything. sidney took mrs. rennie in; they sat opposite to me and talked all the time.
i was so glad when the dinner was over and everybody gone. the first thing i did when i escaped to my room was to go to the glass and look myself over just as critically and carefully as if i were somebody else. i saw a great rope of dark brown hair ... a brown skin with red cheeks ... a big red mouth ... a pair of grey eyes. that was all. and when i thought of that shimmering witch woman with her white skin and shining hair i wanted to put out the light and cry in the dark. only i've never cried since i was a child and broke my last doll, and i've got so out of the habit that i don't know how to go about it.
april fifth.
aunt jemima would not think i was getting the good out of my diary. a whole month and not a word! but there was nothing to write, and i've felt too miserable to write if there had been. i don't know what is the matter with me. i'm just cross and horrid to everyone, even to poor sidney.
mrs. rennie has been queening it in riverton society for the past month. people rave over her and i admire her horribly, although i don't like her. mrs. burnett says that a match between her and sidney elliot is a foregone conclusion.
it's plain to be seen that mrs. rennie loves sidney. even i can see that, and i don't know much about such things. but it puzzles me to know how sidney regards her. i have never thought he showed any sign of really caring for her. but then, he isn't the kind that would.
"nic, i wonder if you will ever grow up," he said to me today, laughing, when he caught me racing over the lawn with the dogs.
"i'm grown up now," i said crossly. "why, i'm eighteen and a half and i'm two inches taller than any of the other girls."
sidney laughed, as if he were heartily amused at something.
"you're a blessed baby," he said, "and the dearest, truest, jolliest little chum ever a fellow had. i don't know what i'd do without you, nic. you keep me sane and wholesome. i'm a tenfold better man for knowing you, little girl."
i was rather pleased. it was nice to think i was some good to sidney.
"are you going to the trents' dinner tonight?" i asked.
"yes," he said briefly.
"mrs. rennie will be there," i said.
sidney nodded.
"do you think her so very handsome, sidney?" i said. i had never mentioned mrs. rennie to him since the day we were coasting, and i didn't mean to now. the question just asked itself.
"yes, very; but not as handsome as you will be ten years from now, nic," said sidney lightly.
"do you think i'm handsome, sidney?" i cried.
"you will be when you're grown up," he answered, looking at me critically.
"will you be going to mrs. greaves' reception after the dinner?" i asked.
"yes, i suppose so," said sidney absently. i could see he wasn't thinking of me at all. i wondered if he were thinking of mrs. rennie.
april sixth.
oh, something so wonderful has happened. i can hardly believe it. there are moments when i quake with the fear that it is all a dream. i wonder if i can really be the same cornelia marshall i was yesterday. no, i'm not the same ... and the difference is so blessed.
oh, i'm so happy! my heart bubbles over with happiness and song. it's so wonderful and lovely to be a woman and know it and know that other people know it.
you dear diary, you were made for this moment ... i shall write all about it in you and so fulfil your destiny. and then i shall put you away and never write anything more in you, because i shall not need you ... i shall have sidney.
last night i was all alone in the house ... and i was so lonely and miserable. i put my chin on my hands and i thought ... and thought ... and thought. i imagined sidney at the greaves', talking to mrs. rennie with that velvety smile in his eyes. i could see her, graceful and white, in her trailing, clinging gown, with diamonds about her smooth neck and in her hair. i suddenly wondered what i would look like in evening dress with my hair up. i wondered if sidney would like me in it.
all at once i got up and rushed to sue's room. i lighted the gas, rummaged, and went to work. i piled my hair on top of my head, pinned it there, and thrust a long silver dagger through it to hold a couple of pale white roses she had left on her table. then i put on her last winter's party dress. it was such a pretty pale yellow thing, with touches of black lace, and it didn't matter about its being a little old-fashioned, since it fitted me like a glove. finally i stepped back and looked at myself.
i saw a woman in that glass ... a tall, straight creature with crimson cheeks and glowing eyes ... and the thought in my mind was so insistent that it said itself aloud: "oh, i wish sidney could see me now!"
at that very moment the maid knocked at the door to tell me that mr. elliot was downstairs asking for me. i did not hesitate a second. with my heart beating wildly i trailed downstairs to sidney.
he was standing by the fireplace when i went in, and looked very tired. when he heard me he turned his head and our eyes met.
all at once a terrible thing happened ... at least, i thought it a terrible thing then. i knew why i had wanted sidney to realize that i was no longer a child. it was because i loved him! i knew it the moment i saw that strange, new expression leap into his eyes.
"cornelia," he said in a stunned sort of voice. "why ... nic ... why, little girl ... you're a woman! how blind i've been! and now i've lost my little chum."
"oh, no, no," i said wildly. i was so miserable and confused i didn't know what i said. "never, sidney. i'd rather be a little girl and have you for a friend ... i'll always be a little girl! it's all this hateful dress. i'll go and take it off ... i'll...."
and then i just put my hands up to my burning face and the tears that would never come before came in a flood.
all at once i felt sidney's arms about me and felt my head drawn to his shoulder.
"don't cry, dearest," i heard him say softly. "you can never be a little girl to me again ... my eyes are opened ... but i didn't want you to be. i want you to be my big girl ... mine, all mine, forever."
what happened after that isn't to be written in a diary. i won't even write down the things he said about how i looked, because it would seem so terribly vain, but i can't help thinking of them, for i am so happy.
