and how came back again.
i left london, the drums beating in my heart, the flags waving in my brain. somewhat more than a year later, one foggy wet december evening, i sneaked back to it defeated—ah, that is a small thing, capable of redress—disgraced. i returned to it as to a hiding-place where, lost in the crowd, i might waste my days unnoticed until such time as i could summon up sufficient resolution to put an end to my dead life. i had been ambitious—dwelling again amid the bitterness of the months that followed my return, i write in the past tense. i had been eager to make a name, a position for myself. but were i to claim no higher aim, i should be doing injustice to my blood—to the great-souled gentleman whose whole life had been an ode to honour, to her of simple faith who had known no other prayer to teach me than the childish cry, “god help me to be good!” i had wished to be a great man, but it was to have been a great good man. the world was to have admired me, but to have respected me also. i was to have been the knight without fear, but, rarer yet, without reproach—galahad, not launcelot. i had learnt myself to be a feeble, backboneless fighter, conquered by the first serious assault of evil, a creature of mean fears, slave to every crack of the devil's whip, a feeder with swine.
urban vane i had discovered to be a common swindler. his play he had stolen from the desk of a well-known dramatist whose acquaintance he had made in deleglise's kitchen. the man had fallen ill, and vane had been constant in his visits. partly recovering, the man had gone abroad to italy. had he died there, as at the time was expected, the robbery might never have come to light. news reached us in a small northern town that he had taken a fresh lease of life and was on his way back to england. then it was that vane with calm indifference, smoking his cigar over a bottle of wine to which he had invited me, told me the bald truth, adorning it with some touches of wit. had the recital come upon me sooner, i might have acted differently; but six months' companionship with urban vane, if it had not, by grace of the lord, destroyed the roots of whatever flower of manhood might have been implanted in me, had most certainly withered its leaves.
the man was clever. that he was not clever enough to perceive from the beginning what he has learnt since: that honesty is the best policy—at least, for men with brains—remains somewhat of a mystery to me. where once he made his hundreds among shady ways, he now, i suppose, makes his thousands in the broad daylight of legitimate enterprise. chicanery in the blood, one might imagine, has to be worked out. urban vanes are to be found in all callings. they commence as scamps; years later, to one's astonishment, one finds them ornaments to their profession. wild oats are of various quality, according to the soil from which they are preserved. we sow them in our various ways.
at first i stormed. vane sat with an amused smile upon his lips and listened.
“your language, my dear kelver,” he replied, my vocabulary exhausted, “might wound me were i able to accept you as an authority upon this vexed question of morals. with the rest of the world you preach one thing and practise another. i have noticed it so often. it is perhaps sad, but the preaching has ceased to interest me. you profess to be very indignant with me for making use of another man's ideas. it is done every day. you yourself were quite ready to take credit not due to you. for months we have been travelling with this play: 'drama, in five acts, by mr. horace moncrieff.' not more than two hundred lines of it are your own—excellent lines, i admit, but they do not constitute the play.”
this aspect of the affair had not occurred to me. “but you asked me to put my name to it,” i stammered. “you said you did not want your own to appear—for private reasons. you made a point of it.”
he waved away the smoke from his cigar. “the man you are posing as would never have put his name to work not his own. you never hesitated; on the contrary, you jumped at the chance of so easy an opening to your career as playwright. my need, as you imagined it, was your opportunity.”
“but you said it was from the french,” i argued; “you had merely translated it, i adapted it. i don't defend the custom, but it is the custom: the man who adapts a play calls himself the author. they all do it.”
“i know,” he answered. “it has always amused me. our sick friend himself, whom i am sure we are both delighted to welcome back to life, has done it more than once, and made a very fair profit on the transaction. indeed, from internal evidence, i am strongly of opinion that this present play is a case in point. well, chickens come home to roost: i adapt from him. what is the difference?”
“simply this,” he continued, pouring himself out another glass of wine, “that whereas, owing to the anomalous state of the copyright laws, stealing from the foreign author is legal and commendable, against stealing from the living english author there is a certain prejudice.”
“and the consequences, i am afraid, you will find somewhat unpleasant,” i suggested.
he laughed: it was not a frivolity to which he was prone. “you mean, my dear kelver that you will.”
“don't look so dumbfounded,” he went on. “you cannot be so stupid as you are pretending to be. the original manuscript at the lord chamberlain's office is in your handwriting. you knew our friend as well as i did, and visited him. why, the whole tour has been under your management. you have arranged everything—most excellently; i have been quite surprised.”
my anger came later. for the moment, the sudden light blinded me to everything but fear.
“but you told me,” i cried, “it was only a matter of form, that you wanted to keep your name out of it because—”
he was looking at me with an expression of genuine astonishment. my words began to appear humorous even to myself. i found it difficult to believe i had been the fool i was now seeing myself to have been.
“i am sorry,” he said, “i am really sorry. i took you for a man of the world. i thought you merely did not wish to know anything.”
still, to my shame, fear was the thing uppermost in my heart. “you are not going to put it all on to me?” i pleaded.
he had risen. he laid his hand upon my shoulder. instead of flinging it off, i was glad of its kindly pressure. he was the only man to whom i could look for help.
“don't take it so seriously,” he said. “he will merely think the manuscript has been lost. as likely as not, he will be unable to remember whether he wrote it or merely thought of writing it. no one in the company will say anything: it isn't their business. we must set to work. i had altered it a good deal before you saw it, and changed all the names of the characters. we will retain the third act: it is the only thing of real value in the play. the situation is not original; you have as much right to dish it up as he had. in a fortnight we will have the whole thing so different that if he saw it himself he would only imagine we had got hold of the idea and had forestalled him.”
there were moments during the next few weeks when i listened to the voice of my good angel, when i saw clearly that even from the lowest point of view he was giving me sound advice. i would go to the man, tell him frankly the whole truth.
but vane never left my elbow. suspecting, i suppose, he gave me clearly to understand that if i did so, i must expect no mercy from him. my story, denounced by him as an outrageous lie, would be regarded as the funk-inspired subterfuge of a young rogue. at the best i should handicap myself with suspicion that would last me throughout my career. on the other hand, what harm had we done? presented in some twenty or so small towns, where it would soon be forgotten, a play something like. most plays were something like. our friend would produce his version and reap a rich harvest; ours would disappear. if by any unlikely chance discussion should arise, the advertisement would be to his advantage. so soon as possible we would replace it by a new piece altogether. a young man of my genius could surely write something better than hotch-potch such as this; experience was all that i had lacked. as regarded one's own conscience, was not the world's honesty a mere question of convention? had he been a young man, and had we diddled him out of his play for a ten-pound note, we should have been applauded as sharp men of business. the one commandment of the world was: don't get found out. the whole trouble, left alone, would sink and fade. later, we should tell it as a good joke—and be laughed with.
so i fell from mine own esteem. vane helping me—and he had brains—i set feverishly to work. i am glad to remember that every line i wrote was born in misery. i tried to persuade vane to let me make a new play altogether, which i offered to give him for nothing. he expressed himself as grateful, but his frequently declared belief in my dramatic talent failed to induce his acceptance.
“later on, my dear kelver,” was his reply. “for the present this is doing very well. going on as we are, we shall soon improve it out of all recognition, while at the same time losing nothing that is essential. all your ideas are excellent.”
by the end of about three weeks we had got together a concoction that, so far as dialogue and characters were concerned, might be said to be our own. there was good work in it, here and there. under other conditions i might have been proud of much that i had written. as it was, i experienced only the terror of the thief dodging the constable: my cleverness might save me; it afforded me no further satisfaction. my humour, when i heard the people laughing at it, i remembered i had forged listening in vague fear to every creak upon the stairs, wondering in what form discovery might come upon me. there was one speech, addressed by the hero to the villain: “yes, i admit it; i do love her. but there is that which i love better—my self-respect!” stepping down to the footlights and slapping his chest (which according to stage convention would appear to be a sort of moral jewel-box bursting with assorted virtues), our juvenile lead—a gentleman who led a somewhat rabbit-like existence, perpetually diving down openings to avoid service of writs, at the instance of his wife, for alimony—would invariably bring down the house upon this sentiment. every night, listening to the applause, i would shudder, recalling how i had written it with burning cheeks.
there was a character in the piece, a vicious old man, that from the beginning vane had wanted me to play. i had disliked the part and had refused, choosing instead to act a high-souled countryman, in the portrayal of whose irreproachable emotions i had taken pleasure. vane now renewed his arguments, and my power of resistance seeming to have departed from me, i accepted the exchange. certainly the old gentleman's scenes went with more snap, but at a cost of further degradation to myself. upon an older actor the effect might have been harmless, but the growing tree springs back less surely; i found myself taking pleasure in the coarse laughter that rewarded my suggestive leers, calling up all the evil in my nature to help me in the development of fresh “business.” vane was enthusiastic in his praises, generous with his assistance. under his tuition i succeeded in making the part as unpleasant as we dared. i had genius, so vane told me; i understood so much of human nature. one proof of the moral deterioration creeping over me was that i was beginning to like vane.
looking back at the man as i see him plainly now, a very ordinary scamp, his pretension not even amusing, i find it difficult to present him as he appeared to my boyish eyes. he was well educated and well read. he gave himself the airs of a superior being by freak of fate compelled to abide in a world of inferior creatures. to live among them in comfort it was necessary for him to outwardly conform to their conventions but to respect their reasoning would have been beneath him. to accept their laws as binding on one's own conscience was, using the common expression, to give oneself away, to confess oneself commonplace. every decent instinct a man might own to was proof in vane's eyes of his being “suburban,” “bourgeois”—everything that was unintellectual. it was the first time i had heard this sort of talk. vane was one of the pioneers of the movement, which has since become somewhat tiresome. to laugh at it is easy to a man of the world; boys are impressed by it. from him i first heard the now familiar advocacy of pure hedonism. pan, enticed from his dark groves, was to sit upon olympus.
my lower nature rose within me to proclaim the foolish chatterer as a prophet. so life was not as i had been taught—a painful struggle between good and evil. there was no such thing as evil; the senseless epithet was a libel upon nature. not through wearisome repression, but rather through joyous expression of the animal lay advancement.
villains—workers in wrong for aesthetic pleasure of the art—are useful characters in fiction; in real life they do not exist. i am convinced the man believed most of the rubbish he talked. since the time of which i write he has done some service to the world. i understand he is an excellent husband and father, a considerate master, a delightful host. he intended, i have no doubt, to improve me, to enlarge my understanding, to free me from soul-stifling bondage of convention. not to credit him with this well-meaning intention would be to assume him something quite inhuman, to bestow upon him a dignity beyond his deserts. i find it easier to regard him merely as a fool.
our leading lady was a handsome but coarse woman, somewhat over-developed. starting life as a music-hall singer, she had married a small tradesman in the south of london. some three or four years previous, her juno-like charms had turned the head of a youthful novelist—a refined, sensitive man, of whom great things in literature had been expected, and, judging from his earlier work, not unreasonably. he had run away with her, and eventually married her; the scandal was still fresh. already she had repented of her bargain. these women regard their infatuated lovers merely as steps in the social ladder, and he had failed to appreciably advance her. under her demoralising spell his ambition had died in him. he no longer wrote, no longer took interest in anything beyond his own debasement. he was with us in the company, playing small parts, and playing them badly; he would have remained with us as bill-poster rather than have been sent away.
vane planned to bring this woman and myself together. to her he pictured me a young gentleman of means, a coming author, who would soon be earning an income sufficient to keep her in every luxury. to me he hinted that she had fallen in love with me. i was never attracted to her by any feeling stronger than the admiration with which one views a handsome animal. it was my vanity upon which he worked. he envied me; any man would envy me; experience of life was what i needed to complete my genius. the great intellects of this earth must learn all lessons, even at the cost of suffering to themselves and others.
as years before i had laboured to acquire a liking for cigars and whiskey, deeming it an accomplishment necessary to a literary career, so painstakingly i now applied myself to the cultivation of a pretty taste in passion. according to the literature, fictional and historical, vane was kind enough to supply me with, men of note were invariably sad dogs. that my temperament was not that of the sad dog, that i lacked instinct and inclination for the part, appeared to this young idiot of whom i am writing in the light of a defect. that her languishing glances irritated rather than maddened me, that the occasional covert pressure of her hot, thick hand left me cold, i felt a reproach to my manhood. i would fall in love with her. surely my blood was red like other men's. besides, was i not an artist, and was not profligacy the hall-mark of the artist?
but one grows tired of the confessional. fate saved me from playing the part vane had assigned me in this vulgar comedy, dragged me from my entanglement, flung me on my feet again. she was a little brusque in the process; but i do not feel inclined to blame the kind lady for that. the mud was creeping upward fast, and a quick hand must needs be rough.
our dramatic friend produced his play sooner than we had expected. it crept out that something very like it had been seen in the provinces. argument followed, enquiries were set on foot. “it will blow over,” said vane. but it seemed to be blowing our way.
the salaries, as a rule, were paid by me on friday night. vane, in the course of the evening, would bring me the money for me to distribute after the performance. we were playing in the north of ireland. i had not seen vane all that day. so soon as i had changed my clothes i left my dressing-room to seek him. the box-office keeper, meeting me, put a note into my hand. it was short and to the point. vane had pocketed the evening's takings, and had left by the seven-fifty train! he regretted causing inconvenience, but life was replete with small comedies; the wise man attached no seriousness to them. we should probably meet again and enjoy a laugh over our experiences.
some rumour had got about. i looked up from the letter to find myself surrounded by suspicious faces. with dry lips i told them the truth. only they happened not to regard it as the truth. vane throughout had contrived cleverly to them i was the manager, the sole person responsible. my wearily spoken explanations were to them incomprehensible lies. the quarter of an hour might have been worse for me had i been sufficiently alive to understand or care what they were saying. a dull, listless apathy had come over me. i felt the scene only stupid, ridiculous, tiresome. there was some talk of giving me “a damned good hiding.” i doubt whether i should have known till the next morning whether the suggestion had been carried out or not. i gathered that the true history of the play, the reason for the sudden alterations, had been known to them all along. they appeared to have reserved their virtuous indignation till this evening. as explanation of my apparent sleepiness, somebody, whether in kindness to me or not i cannot say, suggested i was drunk. fortunately, it carried conviction. no further trains left the town that night; i was allowed to depart. a deputation promised to be round at my lodgings early in the morning.
our leading lady had left the theatre immediately on the fall of the curtain; it was not necessary for her to wait, her husband acting as her business man. on reaching my rooms, i found her sitting by the fire. it reminded me that our agent in advance having fallen ill, her husband had, at her suggestion, been appointed in his place, and had left us on the wednesday to make the necessary preparations in the next town on our list. i thought that perhaps she had come round for her money, and the idea amused me.
“well?” she said, with her one smile. i had been doing my best for some months to regard it as soul-consuming, but without any real success.
“well,” i answered. it bored me, her being there. i wanted to be alone.
“you don't seem overjoyed to see me. what's the matter with you? what's happened?”
i laughed. “vane's bolted and taken the week's money with him.”
“the beast!” she said. “i knew he was that sort. what ever made you take up with him? will it make much difference to you?”
“it makes a difference all round,” i replied. “there's no money to pay any of you. there's nothing to pay your fares back to london.”
she had risen. “here, let me understand this,” she said. “are you the rich mug vane's been representing you to be, or only his accomplice?”
“the mug and the accomplice both,” i answered, “without the rich. it's his tour. he put my name to it because he didn't want his own to appear—for family reasons. it's his play; he stole it—”
she interrupted me with a whistle. “i thought it looked a bit fishy, all those alterations. but such funny things do happen in this profession! stole it, did he?”
“the whole thing in manuscript. i put my name to it for the same reason—he didn't want his own to appear.”
she dropped into her chair and laughed—a good-tempered laugh, loud and long. “well, i'm damned!” she said. “the first man who has ever taken me in. i should never have signed if i had thought it was his show. i could see the sort he was with half an eye.” she jumped up from the chair. “here, let me get out of this,” she said. “i just looked in to know what time to-morrow; i'd forgotten. you needn't say i came.”
her hand upon the door, laughter seized her again, so that for support she had to lean against the wall.
“do you know why i really did come?” she said. “you'll guess when you come to think it over, so i may as well tell you. it's a bit of a joke. i came to say 'yes' to what you asked me last night. have you forgotten?”
i stared at her. last night! it seemed a long while ago—so very unimportant what i might have said.
she laughed again. “so help me! if you haven't. well, you asked me to run away with you—that's all, to let our two souls unite. damned lucky i took a day to think it over! good-night.”
“good-night,” i answered, without moving. i was gripping a chair to prevent myself from rushing at her, pushing her out of the room, and locking the door. i wanted to be alone.
i heard her turn the handle. “got a pound or two to carry you over?” it was a woman's voice.
i put my hand into my pocket. “one pound seventeen,” i answered, counting it. “it will pay my fare to london—or buy me a dinner and a second-hand revolver. i haven't quite decided yet.”
“oh, you get back and pull yourself together,” she said. “you're only a kid. good-night.”
i put a few things into a small bag and walked thirty miles that night into belfast. arrived in london, i took a lodging in deptford, where i was least likely to come in contact with any face i had ever seen before. i maintained myself by giving singing lessons at sixpence the half-hour, evening lessons in french and german (the lord forgive me!) to ambitious shop-boys at eighteen pence a week, making up tradesmen's books. a few articles of jewellery i had retained enabled me to tide over bad periods. for some four months i existed there, never going outside the neighbourhood. occasionally, wandering listlessly about the streets, some object, some vista, would strike me by reason of its familiarity. then i would turn and hasten back into my grave of dim, weltering streets.
of thoughts, emotions, during these dead days i was unconscious. somewhere in my brain they may have been stirring, contending; but myself i lived as in a long, dull dream. i ate, and drank, and woke, and slept, and walked and walked, and lounged by corners; staring by the hour together, seeing nothing.
it has surprised me since to find the scenes i must then have witnessed photographed so clearly on my mind. tragedies, dramas, farces, played before me in that teeming underworld—the scenes present themselves to me distinct, complete; yet i have no recollection of ever having seen them.
i fell ill. it must have been some time in april, but i kept no count of days. nobody came near me, nobody knew of me. i occupied a room at the top of a huge block of workmen's dwellings. a woman who kept a second-hand store had lent me for a shilling a week a few articles of furniture. lying upon my chair-bedstead, i listened to the shrill sounds around me, that through the light and darkness never ceased. a pint of milk, left each morning on the stone landing, kept me alive. i would wait for the man's descending footsteps, then crawl to the door. i hoped i was going to die, regretting my returning strength, the desire for food that drove me out into the streets again.
one night, a week or two after my partial recovery, i had wandered on and on for hour after hour. the breaking dawn recalled me to myself. i was outside the palings of a park. in the faint shadowy light it looked strange and unfamiliar. i was too tired to walk further. i scrambled over the low wooden fencing, and reaching a seat, dropped down and fell asleep.
i was sitting in a sunny avenue; birds were singing joyously, bright flowers were all around me. norah was beside me, her frank, sweet eyes were looking into mine; they were full of tenderness, mingled with wonder. it was a delightful dream: i felt myself smiling.
suddenly i started to my feet. norah's strong hand drew me down again.
i was in the broad walk, regent's park, where, i remembered, norah often walked before breakfast. a park-keeper, the only other human creature within sight, was eyeing me suspiciously. i saw myself—without a looking-glass—unkempt, ragged. my intention was to run, but norah was holding me by the arm. savagely i tried to shake her off. i was weak from my recent illness, and, i suppose, half starved; it angered me to learn she was the stronger of the two. in spite of my efforts, she dragged me back.
ashamed of my weakness, ashamed of everything about me, i burst into tears; and that of course made me still more ashamed. to add to my discomfort, i had no handkerchief. holding me with one hand—it was quite sufficient—norah produced her own, and wiped my eyes. the park-keeper, satisfied, i suppose, that at all events i was not dangerous, with a grin passed on.
“where have you been, and what have you been doing?” asked norah. she still retained her grip upon me, and in her grey eyes was quiet determination.
so, with my face turned away from her, i told her the whole miserable story, taking strange satisfaction in exaggerating, if anything, my own share of the disgrace. my recital ended, i sat staring down the long, shadow-freckled way, and for awhile there was no sound but the chirping of the sparrows.
then behind me i beard a smothered laugh. it was impossible to imagine it could come from norah. i turned quickly to see who had stolen upon us. it was norah who was laughing; though to do her justice she was trying to suppress it, holding her handkerchief to her face. it was of no use, it would out; she abandoned the struggle, and gave way to it. it astonished the sparrows into silence; they stood in a row upon the low iron border and looked at one another.
“i am glad you think it funny,” i said.
“but it is funny,” she persisted. “don't say you have lost your sense of humour, paul; it was the one real thing you possessed. you were so cocky—you don't know how cocky you were! everybody was a fool but vane; nobody else but he appreciated you at your true worth. you and he between you were going to reform the stage, to educate the public, to put everything and everybody to rights. i am awfully sorry for all you've gone through; but now that it is over, can't you see yourself that it is funny?”
faintly, dimly, this aspect of the case, for the very first time, began to present itself to me; but i should have preferred norah to have been impressed by its tragedy.
“that is not all,” i said. “i nearly ran away with another man's wife.”
i was glad to notice that sobered her somewhat. “nearly? why not quite?” she asked more seriously.
“she thought i was some young idiot with money,” i replied bitterly, pleased with the effect i had produced. “vane had told her a pack of lies. when she found out i was only a poor devil, ruined, disgraced, without a sixpence—-” i made a gesture expressive of eloquent contempt for female nature generally.
“i am sorry,” said norah; “i told you you would fall in love with something real.”
her words irritated me, unreasonably, i confess. “in love!” i replied; “good god, i was never in love with her!”
“then why did you nearly run away with her?”
i was wishing now i had not mentioned the matter; it promised to be difficult of explanation. “i don't know,” i replied irritably. “i thought she was in love with me. she was very beautiful—at least, other people seemed to think she was. artists are not like ordinary men. you must live—understand life, before you can teach it to others. when a beautiful woman is in love with you—or pretends to be, you—you must say something. you can't stand like a fool and—”
again her laughter interrupted me; this time she made no attempt to hide it. the sparrows chirped angrily, and flew off to continue their conversation somewhere where there would be less noise.
“you are the biggest baby, paul,” she said, so soon as she could speak, “i ever heard of.” she seized me by the shoulders, and turned me round. “if you weren't looking so ill and miserable, i would shake you, paul, till there wasn't a bit of breath left in your body.”
“how much money do you owe?” she asked—“to the people in the company and anybody else, i mean—roughly?”
“about a hundred and fifty pounds,” i answered.
“then if you rest day or night, paul, till you have paid that hundred and fifty—every penny of it—i'll think you the meanest cad in london!”
her grey eyes were flashing quite alarmingly. i felt almost afraid of her. she could be so vehement at times.
“but how can i?” i asked.
“go straight home,” she commanded, “and write something funny: an article, story—anything you like; only mind that it is funny. post it to me to-morrow, at the latest. dan is in london, editing a new weekly. i'll have it copied out and sent to him. i shan't say who it is from. i shall merely ask him to read it and reply, at once. if you've a grain of grit left in you, you'll write something that he will be glad to have and to pay for. pawn that ring on your finger and get yourself a good breakfast”—it was my mother's wedding-ring, the only piece of dispensable property i had not parted with—“she won't mind helping you. but nobody else is going to—except yourself.”
she looked at her watch. “i must be off.” she turned again. “there is something i was forgetting. b—“—she mentioned the name of the dramatist whose play vane had stolen—“has been looking for you for the last three months. if you hadn't been an idiot you might have saved yourself a good deal of trouble. he is quite certain it was vane stole the manuscript. he asked the nurse to bring it to him an hour after vane had left the house, and it couldn't be found. besides, the man's character is well known. and so is yours. i won't tell it you,” she laughed; “anyhow, it isn't that of a knave.”
she made a step towards me, then changed her mind. “no,” she said, “i shan't shake hands with you till you have paid the last penny that you owe. then i shall know that you are a man.”
she did not look back. i watched her, till the sunlight, streaming in my eyes, raised a golden mist between us.
then i went to my work.
