the ridge,
berkeley, california.
september 3, 19—.
here i am, back in the old quarters once more, with the old afternoon climb across the campus and up into the sky, up to the old rooms, the old books, and the old view. you poor fog-begirt dane kempton, could you but have lounged with me on the window couch, an hour past, and watched the light pass out of the day through the golden gate and the night creep over the berkeley hills and down out of the east! why should you linger on there in london town! we grow away from each other, it seems—you with your wonder-singing, i with my joyful science.
poesy and economics! alack! alack! how did i escape you, dane, when mind and mood you mastered me? the auguries were fair. i, too, should have been a singer, and lo, i strive for science. all my boyhood was singing, what of you; and my father was a singer, too, in his own fine way. dear to me is your likening of him to waring.—"what's become of waring?" he was waring. i can think of him only as one who went away, "chose land travel or seafaring."
gwynne says i am sometimes almost a poet—gwynne, you know, arthur gwynne, who has come to live with me at the ridge. "if it were not for your dismal science," he is sure to add; and to fire him i lay it to the defects of early training. i know he thinks that i never half appreciated you, and that i do not appreciate you now. if you will recollect, you praised his verses once. he cherishes that praise amongst his sweetest treasures. poor dear good old gwynne, tender, sensitive, shrinking, with the face of a seraph and the heart of a maid. never were two men more incongruously companioned. i love him for himself. he tolerates me, i do secretly believe, because of you. he longs to meet you,—he knew you well through my father,—and we often talk you over. be sure at every opportunity i tear off your halo and trundle it about. trust me, you receive scant courtesy.
how i wander on. my pen is unruly after the long vacation; my thought yet wayward, what of the fever of successful wooing. and besides, ... how shall i say?... such was the gracious warmth of your letter, of both your letters, that i am at a loss. i feel weak, inadequate. it almost seems as though you had made a demand upon something that is not in me. ah, you poets! it would seem your delight in my marriage were greater than mine. in my present mood, it is you who are young, you who love; i who have lived and am old.
yes, i am going to be married. at this present moment, i doubt not, a million men and women are saying the same thing. hewers of wood and drawers of water, princes and potentates, shy-shrinking maidens and brazen-faced hussies, all saying, "i am going to be married." and all looking forward to it as a crisis in their lives? no. after all, marriage is the way of the world. considered biologically, it is an institution necessary for the perpetuation of the species. why should it be a crisis? these million men and women will marry, and the work of the world go on just as it did before. shuffle them about, and the work of the world would yet go on.
true, a month ago it did seem a crisis. i wrote you as much. it did seem a disturbing element in my life-work. one cannot view with equanimity that which appears to be totally disruptive of one's dear little system of living. but it only appeared so; i lacked perspective, that was all. as i look upon it now, everything fits well and all will run smoothly i am sure.
you know i had two years yet to work for my doctorate. i still have them. as you see, i am back to the old quarters, settled down in the old groove, hammering away at the old grind. nothing is changed. and besides my own studies, i have taken up an assistant instructorship in the department of economics. it is an ambitious course, and an important one. i don't know how they ever came to confide it to me, or how i found the temerity to attempt it,—which is neither here nor there. it is all agreed. hester is a sensible girl.
the engagement is to be long. i shall continue my career as charted. two years from now, when i shall have become a doctor of social sciences (and candidate for numerous other things), i shall also become a benedict. my marriage and the presumably necessary honeymoon chime in with the summer vacation. there is no disturbing element even there. oh, we are very practical, hester and i. and we are both strong enough to lead each our own lives.
which reminds me that you have not asked about her. first, let me shock you—she, too, is a scientist. it was in my undergraduate days that we met, and ere the half-hour struck we were quarrelling felicitously over weismann and the neo-darwinians. i was at berkeley at the time, a cocksure junior; and she, far maturer as a freshman, was at stanford, carrying more culture with her into her university than is given the average student to carry out.
next, and here your arms open to her, she is a poet. pre-eminently she is a poet—this must be always understood. she is the greater poet, i take it, in this dawning twentieth century, because she is a scientist; not in spite of being a scientist as some would hold. how shall i describe her? perhaps as a george eliot, fused with an elizabeth barrett, with a hint of huxley and a trace of keats. i may say she is something like all this, but i must say she is something other and different. there is about her a certain lightsomeness, a glow or flash almost latin or oriental, or perhaps celtic. yes, that must be it—celtic. but the high-stomached norman is there and the stubborn saxon. her quickness and fine audacity are checked and poised, as it were, by that certain conservatism which gives stability to purpose and power to achievement. she is unafraid, and wide-looking and far-looking, but she is not over-looking. the saxon grapples with the celt, and the norman forces the twain to do what the one would not dream of doing and what the other would dream beyond and never do. do you catch me? her most salient charm, is i think, her perfect poise, her exquisite adjustment.
altogether she is a most wonderful woman, take my word for it. and after all she is described vicariously. though she has published nothing and is exceeding shy, i shall send you some of her work. there will you find and know her. she is waiting for stronger voice and sings softly as yet. but hers will be no minor note, no middle flight. she is—well, she is hester. in two years we shall be married. two years, dane. surely you will be with us.
one thing more; in your letter a certain undertone which i could not fail to detect. a shade less of me than formerly?—i turn and look into your face—waring's handiwork you remember—his painter's fancy of you in those golden days when i stood on the brink of the world, and you showed me the delights of the world and the way of my feet therein. so i turn and look, and look and wonder. a shade less of me, of you? poesy and economics! where lies the blame?
herbert.
