i want very much to set down my thoughts and my experiences of life. i want to do so now that i have come to middle age and now that my attitudes are all defined and my personal drama worked out i feel that the toil of writing and reconsideration may help to clear and fix many things that remain a little uncertain in my thoughts because they have never been fully stated, and i want to discover any lurking inconsistencies and unsuspected gaps. and i have a story. i have lived through things that have searched me. i want to tell that story as well as i can while i am still a clear-headed and active man, and while many details that may presently become blurred and altered are still rawly fresh in my mind. and to one person in particular do i wish to think i am writing, and that is to you, my only son. i want to write my story not indeed to the child you are now, but to the man you are going to be. you are half my blood and temperamentally altogether mine. a day will come when you will realize this, and want to know how life has gone with me, and then it may be altogether too late for me to answer your enquiries. i may have become inaccessible as old people are sometimes inaccessible. and so i think of leaving this book for you—at any rate, i shall write it as if i meant to leave it for you. afterwards i can consider whether i will indeed leave it....
the idea of writing such a book as this came to me first as i sat by the dead body of your grandfather—my father. it was because i wanted so greatly such a book from him that i am now writing this. he died, you must know, only a few months ago, and i went to his house to bury him and settle all his affairs.
at one time he had been my greatest friend. he had never indeed talked to me about himself or his youth, but he had always showed an extraordinary sympathy and helpfulness for me in all the confusion and perplexities into which i fell. this did not last to the end of his life. i was the child of his middle years, and suddenly, in a year or less, the curtains of age and infirmity fell between us. there came an illness, an operation, and he rose from it ailing, suffering, dwarfed and altogether changed. of all the dark shadows upon life i think that change through illness and organic decay in the thoughts and spirits of those who are dear and close to us is the most evil and distressing and inexplicable. suddenly he was a changeling, a being querulous and pitiful, needing indulgence and sacrifices.
in a little while a new state of affairs was established. i ceased to consider him as a man to whom one told things, of whom one could expect help or advice. we all ceased to consider him at all in that way. we humored him, put pleasant things before him, concealed whatever was disagreeable. a poor old man he was indeed in those concluding years, weakly rebellious against the firm kindliness of my cousin, his housekeeper and nurse. he who had once been so alert was now at times astonishingly apathetic. at times an impish malice i had never known in him before gleamed in little acts and speeches. his talk rambled, and for the most part was concerned with small, long-forgotten contentions. it was indistinct and difficult to follow because of a recent loss of teeth, and he craved for brandy, to restore even for a moment the sense of strength and well-being that ebbed and ebbed away from him. so that when i came to look at his dead face at last, it was with something like amazement i perceived him grave and beautiful—more grave and beautiful than he had been even in the fullness of life.
all the estrangement of the final years was wiped in an instant from my mind as i looked upon his face. there came back a rush of memories, of kind, strong, patient, human aspects of his fatherhood. and i remembered as every son must remember—even you, my dear, will some day remember because it is in the very nature of sonship—insubordinations, struggles, ingratitudes, great benefits taken unthankfully, slights and disregards. it was not remorse i felt, nor repentance, but a tremendous regret that so things had happened and that life should be so. why is it, i thought, that when a son has come to manhood he cannot take his father for a friend? i had a curious sense of unprecedented communion as i stood beside him now. i felt that he understood my thoughts; his face seemed to answer with an expression of still and sympathetic patience.
i was sensible of amazing gaps. we had never talked together of love, never of religion.
all sorts of things that a man of twenty-eight would not dream of hiding from a coeval he had hidden from me. for some days i had to remain in his house, i had to go through his papers, handle all those intimate personal things that accumulate around a human being year by year—letters, yellowing scraps of newspaper, tokens, relics kept, accidental vestiges, significant litter. i learnt many things i had never dreamt of. at times i doubted whether i was not prying, whether i ought not to risk the loss of those necessary legal facts i sought, and burn these papers unread. there were love letters, and many such touching things.
my memories of him did not change because of these new lights, but they became wonderfully illuminated. i realized him as a young man, i began to see him as a boy. i found a little half-bound botanical book with stencil-tinted illustrations, a good-conduct prize my father had won at his preparatory school; a rolled-up sheet of paper, carbonized and dry and brittle, revealed itself as a piece of specimen writing, stiff with boyish effort, decorated in ambitious and faltering flourishes and still betraying the pencil rulings his rubber should have erased. already your writing is better than that. and i found a daguerreotype portrait of him in knickerbockers against a photographer's stile. his face then was not unlike yours. i stood with that in my hand at the little bureau in his bedroom, and looked at his dead face.
the flatly painted portrait of his father, my grandfather, hanging there in the stillness above the coffin, looking out on the world he had left with steady, humorous blue eyes that followed one about the room,—that, too, was revivified, touched into reality and participation by this and that, became a living presence at a conference of lives. things of his were there also in that life's accumulation....
there we were, three strattons together, and down in the dining-room were steel engravings to take us back two generations further, and we had all lived full lives, suffered, attempted, signified. i had a glimpse of the long successions of mankind. what a huge inaccessible lumber-room of thought and experience we amounted to, i thought; how much we are, how little we transmit. each one of us was but a variation, an experiment upon the stratton theme. all that i had now under my hands was but the merest hints and vestiges, moving and surprising indeed, but casual and fragmentary, of those obliterated repetitions. man is a creature becoming articulate, and why should those men have left so much of the tale untold—to be lost and forgotten? why must we all repeat things done, and come again very bitterly to wisdom our fathers have achieved before us? my grandfather there should have left me something better than the still enigma of his watching face. all my life so far has gone in learning very painfully what many men have learnt before me; i have spent the greater part of forty years in finding a sort of purpose for the uncertain and declining decades that remain. is it not time the generations drew together and helped one another? cannot we begin now to make a better use of the experiences of life so that our sons may not waste themselves so much, cannot we gather into books that men may read in an hour or so the gist of these confused and multitudinous realities of the individual career? surely the time is coming for that, when a new private literature will exist, and fathers and mothers behind their rôles of rulers, protectors, and supporters, will prepare frank and intimate records of their thought and their feeling, told as one tells things to equals, without authority or reserves or discretions, so that, they being dead, their children may rediscover them as contemporaries and friends.
that desire for self-expression is indeed already almost an instinct with many of us. man is disposed to create a traditional wisdom. for me this book i contemplate is a need. i am just a year and a half from a bitter tragedy and the loss of a friend as dear as life to me. it is very constantly in my mind. she opened her mind to me as few people open their minds to anyone. in a way, little stephen, she died for you. and i am so placed that i have no one to talk to quite freely about her. the one other person to whom i talk, i cannot talk to about her; it is strange, seeing how we love and trust one another, but so it is; you will understand that the better as this story unfolds. for eight long years before the crisis that culminated in her tragic death i never saw her; yet, quite apart from the shock and distresses of that time, it has left me extraordinarily lonely and desolate.
and there was a kind of dreadful splendor in that last act of hers, which has taken a great hold upon my imagination; it has interwoven with everything else in my mind, it bears now upon every question. i cannot get away from it, while it is thus pent from utterance.... perhaps having written this to you i may never show it you or leave it for you to see. but yet i must write it. of all conceivable persons you, when you have grown to manhood, are the most likely to understand.
