nurse bundle is magnanimous—mr. gray—an explanation with my father

naturally enough, i did my best to give nurse bundle a faithful account of my attempt to realize her idea of "dropping in," with all that came of it. my garden projects, the arrival of my father, and all that he said and did on the occasion. from my childish and confused account, i fancy that nurse bundle made out pretty correctly the state of the case. being a "grown-up person," she probably guessed, without difficulty, the meaning of my father's concluding remarks. i think a good, faithful, tender-hearted nurse, such as she was, must suffer with some of a mother's feelings, when it is first decided that "her boy" is beyond petticoat government. nurse bundle cried so bitterly over this matter, that my most chivalrous feelings were roused, and i vowed that "papa shouldn't say things to vex my dear nursey." but mrs. bundle was very loyal.

"my dear," said she, wiping her eyes with her apron, "depend upon it, whatever your papa settles on is right. he knows what's suitable for a young gentleman; and it's only likely as a young gentleman born and bred should outgrow to be beyond what an old woman like me can do for him. though there's no tutors nor none of them will[112] ever love you better than poor nurse bundle, my deary. and there's no one ever has loved you better, my dear, nor ever will—always excepting your dear mamma, dead and gone."

all this stirred my feelings to the uttermost, and i wept too, and vowed unconquerable fidelity to nurse bundle, and (despite her remonstrances) unconquerable aversion from the tutor that was to be. i furthermore renewed my proposals of marriage to mrs. bundle,—the wedding to take place "when i should be old enough."

this set her off into fits of laughing; and having regained her good spirits, she declared that "she wouldn't have, no, not a young squire himself, unless he were eddicated accordingly;" and this, it was evident could only be brought about through the good offices of a tutor. and to the prospective tutor (though he was to be her rival) she was magnanimously favourable, whilst i, for my part, warmly opposed the very thought of him. but neither her magnanimity nor my unreasonable objections were put to the test just then.

several days had passed since i and rubens "dropped in" at the rectory, and i was one morning labouring diligently at my garden, when i saw mr. andrewes, in his canonical coat and shoes, coming along the drive, carrying something in his hand which puzzled me. as he came nearer, however, i perceived that it was a small wheelbarrow, gaily painted red within and green without. at a respectful distance behind him walked jones, carrying a garden-basket full of plants on his head.

both the wheelbarrow and the plants were for me—a present from the good-natured parson. he was helping me to plant the flower-roots, and giving me a lecture on the sparing use of the wheel[113]barrow, when my father joined us, and i heard him say to mr. andrewes, "i should like a word with you, when you are at liberty."

i do not know what made me think that they were talking about me. i did, however, and watched them anxiously, as they passed up and down the drive in close consultation. at last i heard mr. andrewes say—

"the afternoon would suit me best; say an hour after luncheon."

this remark closed the conversation, and they came back to me. but i had overheard another sentence from mr. andrewes' lips, which filled me with disquiet,

"i know of one that will just suit you; a capital little fellow."

so the tutor was actually decided upon. "'a capital little fellow.' that means a nasty fussy little man!" i cried to myself. "i hate him!"

for the rest of that day, and all the next, i worried myself with thoughts of the new tutor. on the following morning, i was standing near one of the lodges with my father, looking at some silver pheasants, when mr. andrewes rode by, and called to my father.

now, living as i did, chiefly with servants, and spending much more of my leisure than was at all desirable between the stables and the housekeeper's room, my sense of honour on certain subjects was not quite so delicate as it ought to have been. with all their many merits, uneducated people and servants have not—as a class—strict ideas on absolute truthfulness and honourable trustworthiness in all matters. a large part of the plans, hopes, fears, and quarrels of uneducated people are founded on what has been overheard by folk who[114] were not intended to hear it, and on what has been told again by those to whom a matter was told in confidence. nothing is a surer mark of good breeding and careful "upbringing" (as the scotch call it) than delicacy on those little points which are trusted to one's honour. but refinement in such matters is easily blunted if one lives much with people who think any little meanness fair that is not found out. i really saw no harm in trying to overhear all that i could of the conversation between my father and mr. andrewes, though i was aware, from their manner, that i was not meant to hear it. i lingered near my father, therefore, and pretended to be watching the pheasants, for a certain instinct made me feel that i should not like my father to see me listening. he was one of those highly, scrupulously honourable gentlemen, before whose face it was impossible to do or say anything unworthy or mean.

he spoke in low tones, so that i lost most of what he said; but the parson's voice was a peculiarly clear one, and though he lowered it, i heard a good deal.

"i saw him yesterday," was mr. andrewes' first remark.

("that's the tutor," thought i.)

my father's answer i lost; but i caught fragments of mr. andrewes' next remarks, which were full of information on this important matter.

"quite young, good-tempered—little boy so fond of him, nothing would have induced them to part with him; but they were going abroad."

which sounded well; but i suspected the parson of a good deal of officious advice in a long sentence, of which i only caught the words, "can't begin too early."[115]

i felt convinced, too, that i heard something about the "use of the whip," which put me into a fever of indignation. just as mr. andrewes was riding off, my father asked some question, to which the reply was—"gray."

my head was so full of the tutor that i could not enjoy the stroll with my father as usual, and was not sorry to get back to nurse bundle, to whom i confided all that i had heard about my future teacher.

"he's a nasty little man," said i, "not a nice tall gentleman like papa or mr. andrewes. and mr. andrewes saw him yesterday. and mr. andrewes says he's young. and he says he's good-natured; but then what makes him use whips? and his name is mr. gray. and he says the other little boy was very fond of him, but i don't believe it," i continued, breaking down at this point into tears, "and they've gone abroad (sobs) and i wish—boohoo! boohoo—they'd taken him!"

with some trouble nurse bundle found out the meaning of my rather obscure speech. her wrath at the thought of a whip in connection with her darling was quite as great as my own. but she persisted in taking a hopeful view of mr. gray, and trusting loyally to my father's judgment, and she succeeded in softening my grief for the time.

when i came down to dessert that evening i pretended to be quite happy and comfortable, and to have nothing on my mind. but happily few children are clever at pretending what is not true, and as i was constantly thinking about "that dreadful tutor," and puzzling over the scraps of conversation i had heard to see if anything more could be made out of them, my father soon found out that something was amiss.[116]

"what is the matter, regie?" he asked.

"nothing, father," i replied, with a very poor imitation of cheerfulness and no approach to truth.

"my dear boy," said my father, frowning slightly (a thing i always dreaded), "do not say what is untrue, for any reason. if you do not want to tell me what troubles you, say, 'i'd rather not tell you, please,' like a man, and i will not persecute you about it. but don't say there is nothing the matter when your little head is quite full of something that bothers you very much. as i said, i will not press you, but as i love you, and wish to help you in every way i can, i think you had better tell me."

now, though i had really not thought i was doing wrong in listening to the conversation i was not meant to hear, a something which one calls conscience made me feel ashamed of the whole matter. i had a feeling of being in the wrong, which is apt to make one vexed and fretful, and it was this, quite as much as fear of my grave father, which made the colour rush to my face, and the tears into my eyes.

"come, regie," he said, "out with it. don't cry, whatever you do; that's like a baby. have you been doing something wrong? tell me all about it. confession is half way to forgiveness. don't be afraid of me. for heaven's sake, don't be afraid of me!" added my father, with impatient sadness, and the frown deepening so rapidly on his face that my tears flowed in proportion.

(how sad are the helpless struggles of a widowed father with young children, i could not then appreciate. how seldom successful is the alternative of a second marriage, has become proverbial in excess of the truth.)[117]

my father was more patient than many men. he did not dismiss me and my tears to the nursery in despair. with the insight and tenderness of a mother he restrained himself, and unknitting his brows, held out both his hands and said very kindly,

"come and tell poor papa all about it, my darling."

on which i jumped from my chair, and rushing up to him, threw my arms about his neck and sobbed out, "oh, papa! papa! i don't want him."

"don't want whom, my boy?"

"m-m-m-m-r. gray," i sobbed.

"and who on earth is mr. gray, regie?" inquired my perplexed parent.

"the tutor—the new tutor," i explained.

"but whose new tutor?" cried the distracted gentleman, whose confusion seemed in no way lessened when i added,

"mine, papa; the one you're going to get for me." and as no gleam of intelligence yet brightened his puzzled face, i added, doubtfully, "you are going to get one, aren't you, papa?"

"what put this idea into your head, regie?" asked my father, after a pause.

and then i had to explain, feeling very uncomfortable as i did so, how i had overheard a few words at the rectory, and a few words more at the lodge, and how i had patched my hearsays together and made out that a certain little man was coming to be my tutor, who had previously been tutor somewhere else, and that his name was gray. and all this time my father did not help me out a bit by word or sign. by the time i had got to the end of my story of what i had heard, and what i had[118] guessed, and what nurse bundle and i had made out, i did not need any one to tell me that to listen to what one is not intended to hear is a thing to be ashamed of. my cheeks and ears were very red, and i felt very small indeed.

"now, regie," said my father, "i won't say what i think about your listening to mr. andrewes and me, in order to find out what i did not choose to tell you. you shall tell me what you think, my boy. do you think it is a nice thing, a gentlemanly thing, upright, and honest, and worthy of papa's only son, to sneak about listening to what you were not meant to hear. now don't begin to cry, reginald," he added, rather sharply; "you have nothing to cry for, and it's either silly or ill-tempered to whimper because i show you that you've done wrong. anybody may do wrong; and if you think that you have, why say you're sorry, like a man, and don't do so any more."

i made a strong effort to restrain my tears of shame and vexation, and said very heartily—

"i'm very sorry, papa. i didn't think of it's being wrong."

"i quite believe that, my boy. but you see that it's not right now, don't you?"

"oh yes!" i exclaimed, "and i won't listen any more, father." we made it up lovingly, rubens flying frantically at our heads to join in the kisses and reconciliation. he had been anxiously watching us, being well aware that something was amiss.

"i don't mean to tell you what mr. andrewes and i were talking about," said my father, "because i did not wish you to hear. but i will tell you that you made a very bad guess at the secret. we were not talking of a tutor, or dreaming of one, and you have vexed yourself for nothing. how[119]ever, i think it serves you right for listening. but we won't talk of that any more."

i do not think nurse bundle was disposed to blame me as much as i now blamed myself; but she was invariably loyal to my father's decisions, and never magnified her own indulgence in the nursery by pitying me if i got into scrapes in the drawing-room.

"my dear," said she, "your pa's a gentleman, every inch of him. you listen to him, and try and do as he does, and you'll grow up just such another, and be a pride and blessing to all about you."

but we both rejoiced that at any rate our fears were unfounded in reference to the much-dreaded mr. gray.