i was always very fond of a dog and a horse, and had a taste for everything appertaining to these animals. darky, as the black horse was called, and my dog bully, were prime favorites with me. if i bore a divided love, it was so equally divided that i could not tell which i liked the best. i was fond of working over the horse, the wagon, the harnesses, and most especially i had a decided penchant for a graceful whip; but i wish to protest, in the same breath, that i never used it upon darky. though i was a firm believer in corporal punishment for vicious boys and vicious horses, i did not think he ever needed it. i had a suspicion that ham fishley had never had half enough of it, owing to the fact that he was a spoiled child. it seemed to me then that a good opportunity had come to supply the [56]deficiency, even if it were administered strictly in self-defence.
when i had turned darky, and admonished him to stand still, i saw that ham had picked up a club, which appeared to be a broken cart-stake. it was necessary that i should provide for this new emergency. i glanced at the wagon, to see if there was anything about it that would answer my purpose. my eye fell upon the whip, which rested in the socket at the end of the seat. it was a very elegant whip in my estimation, with a lash long enough to drive a four-horse team. the brilliant thought occurred to me that this whip was better than a cart-stake for my present purpose, and i took it from its place.
i wish to say, most emphatically, in this connection, that i am not a fighting character; but, in the present instance, i was obliged to fight or submit to the most degrading abuse. ham was in the act of asserting his right, not to ask me, but to order me, in the most offensive manner, to black his boots, or to perform other menial offices for him. i trust that i have already proved my willingness to do [57]my duty, and to oblige even those whom i regarded as my enemies. ham had made a cowardly assault upon me, and with the club in his hand he proposed to reduce me to what he considered a proper state of subjection.
i purposed that he should not reduce me at all. i walked towards the place where he stood, with the whip in my hand. as i approached him he moved towards me with his weapon thrown back in readiness to hit me. i halted first, and then retreated a few paces, to afford me time to disengage the lash from the handle of the whip,—i used to consider myself very skilful with the whip,—though this may be vanity,—and i could take a piece out of a maple leaf at twelve feet, three times out of four, all day long. this was one of my accomplishments as a boy, and i enjoyed the practice.
retreating before the advance of ham, i brought the whip smartly around the calves of his legs, with a regular coachman's flourish. this did not operate to cool my antagonist's temper; indeed, i am forced to confess that this was not exactly the way to subdue his ire. i am sorry to say that ham used [58]some naughty words, which politeness will not permit me to repeat. then he rushed forward with redoubled energy, and i gave him another crack with the whip, which hit him in the tenderest part of his pedestals.
i knew by his wrinkled brow that the part smarted; but, as long as it did not cure him of the infatuation of "licking" me, i felt that he was responsible for all consequences. he wanted to throw himself upon me with that club, and i am satisfied that a single blow of the formidable weapon would have smashed my head. he followed up his treatment, and i followed up mine, keeping just out of the reach of his stick, and lathering his legs with the hard silk snapper of my whip.
he foamed, fretted, and struggled to gain the advantage of me; but he was mad, and i was cool, and i kept my respectful distance from him, punishing him as rapidly as i could swing the long lash. ham soon became fearfully disgusted. at the rate he was subduing me, he must have felt that it would be a long job. his patience—not very carefully nursed—gave out at last; and, when he found that [59]it would be impossible for him to inflict a single blow upon me, he raised the club, and let it fly at my head. if it had hit me there, i think the reader would have been saved the trouble of reading my adventures "down the river." as it was, it struck me on the left shoulder, and i did not get over the effects of the blow for a fortnight. but i was too proud to show any signs of pain, or even to let him know that i had been hit.
i picked up the club, and held it in my left hand, to prevent him from making any further use of it, leaving my right to manipulate the whip. i felt that i had disarmed and overpowered him; but i was not yet quite content with his frame of mind, and i continued my favorite exercise for some time longer. i did not actually punish him any more; i only cracked the whip in unpleasant proximity to his tender extremities. he hopped and leaped like a winnebago chief in the war-dance.
"quit, buck bradford!" cried he, in tones of anguish.
"you have got enough of it—have you, ham fishley?" i replied, suspending the exercise.[60]
"we'll settle this another time," howled he.
"no, we won't; we'll settle it now. you began it, and i want it finished now," i added, cracking the whip once more in the neighborhood of his pedal extremities.
"quit—will you!"
"i will quit when you say you have had enough of it."
"you won't hear the last of this very soon, i can tell you!"
"what are you going to do about it, ham?"
"i'll pay you off for it yet!"
"will you!" i continued, startling his sensibilities again with the noise of the snapper.
"yes, i will!" snarled he, passionately.
if the calf of his left leg had been a maple leaf at that moment, i should have taken a piece out of it as big as a dime.
"mind out, buck bradford!"
"have you had enough?" i demanded.
"yes, i have!"
"o, well, if you are satisfied, i am, though you are not very good-natured about it. next time you [61]want to hit me over the head with the mail-bag, just remember that when i am awake i keep my eyes open," i replied, coiling up the lash of my whip. "when i told you i had stood this thing long enough, i got myself ready for anything that might come. i'm ready for anything more, and i shall be ready the next time you want to try it on."
"you had better go along with the mail," snapped he, in a tone so like his mother's that i could not have told who spoke if i had not seen ham before me.
"i made this stop to accommodate you, not myself. after what has happened, i want to tell you once more, that i am ready to do my work like a man, and to treat you and everybody else like gentlemen, if you use me decently. if you know how to behave like a gentleman, i'd like to have you try it on for a few days, just to see how it would seem. if you will only do that, i promise you shall have no reason to complain of me. that's all i've got to say."
"you've said enough, and you had better go along with the mail," growled he.
i turned darky again, very much to that knowing [62]animal's dissatisfaction apparently, for my singular proceedings had doubtless impressed him with the idea that he was to escape his regular trip to riverport.
"aren't you going along to crofton's?" i called to ham, as i got into the wagon.
"a pretty fix i'm in to go to a party," replied he, as he glanced in disgust at his soiled garments.
"well, you ought to have thought of that before you began the sport," i added, consolingly.
ham made no reply, but fell vigorously to brushing his clothes with his hands.
"better come along with me, ham," i continued, kindly; for i felt that i could afford to be magnanimous; and i think one ought to be so, whether he can afford it or not.
"i'm not going to crofton's in this fix," said he.
"i can help you out, if you like, ham. i don't bear any ill will towards you, and just as lief do you a good turn as not," i added, taking from the box of the wagon-seat a small hand broom, which i kept there to dust off the cushion, and brush down the mail-bag after a dusty trip.[63]
i jumped down from the wagon again, and moved towards him. he was shy of me after what had happened, and retreated at my approach.
"let me brush your clothes, ham. i won't hurt you."
"you have brushed me about enough already," said he, shaking his head.
"what are you afraid of?"
"i'm not afraid."
"let me brush you, then. i wouldn't hurt you now any more than i would my own sister."
he stood still, and i brushed and rubbed his garments till he looked as bright and fresh as if he came out of the bureau drawer.
"there, you are all right now," i added, when i had finished the job. "jump into the wagon, and i will take you along to crofton's."
"you are up to some trick, buck," said he, suspiciously.
"no, i'm not. i'm not afraid of you. i don't hit a fellow over the head with a mail-bag," i replied, seating myself in the wagon again.
half a dozen "fellows and girls" were approach[64]ing from the direction of the village; and, as ham did not care to see company just yet, he got into the wagon, and i drove off. he kept one eye on me all the time, and seemed to be afraid that i intended to continue the battle by some underhand measures.
"i am sorry this thing has happened, ham; but i couldn't help it," i began, after we had ridden a quarter of a mile in silence. "you pitched in, and i had to defend myself. i hope you won't do it again."
ham made no reply.
"because, if you do, it will come out just as this has," i continued. "i suppose you feel a little sore about this scrape, for you don't come out first-best in it. you know that as well as i do. i reckon you won't want to talk much to the fellows about it. i don't blame you for not wanting to, ham. but what i was going to say was this: if you don't say anything about it, i shall not."
"i don't know what i shall do," replied he, doggedly.
"i don't, either; but, between you and me, ham,[65] i don't think you feel much like bragging over it. if you don't mention it, i won't."
"i suppose you mean by that, you don't want me to say anything to the old man about it," growled he, involuntarily putting himself in the attitude of a conqueror, and me in that of a supplicant.
"no, ham; that isn't what i meant. if you want to tell your father or anybody else of it, i'm willing; but one story's good till another's told. that's all."
our arrival at crofton's prevented any further consideration of the matter. ham leaped out of the wagon without another word, rushed through the front gate, and disappeared, while i drove on towards riverport.
