of all the obstacles which hinder the smooth course of love, the greatest is, without doubt, what is called false shame, which is indeed a very potent obstacle.
croisilles was not troubled with this unhappy failing, which both pride and timidity combine to produce; he was not one of those who, for whole months, hover round the woman they love, like a cat round a caged bird. as soon as he had given up the idea of drowning himself, he thought only of letting his dear julie know that he lived solely for her. but how could he tell her so? should he present himself a second time at the mansion of the fermier-général, it was but too certain that m. godeau would have him ejected.
julie, when she happened to take a walk, never went without her maid; it was therefore useless to undertake to follow her. to pass the nights under the windows of one’s beloved is a folly dear to lovers, but, in the present case, it would certainly prove vain. i said before that croisilles was very religious; it therefore never entered his mind to seek to meet his lady-love at church. as the best way, though the most dangerous, is to write to people when one cannot speak to them in person, he decided on the very next day to write to the young lady.
his letter possessed, naturally, neither order nor reason. it read somewhat as follows:
“mademoiselle,—tell me exactly, i beg of you, what fortune one must possess to be able to pretend to your hand. i am asking you a strange question; but i love you so desperately, that it is impossible for me not to ask it, and you are the only person in the world to whom i can address it. it seemed to me, last evening, that you looked at me at the play. i had wished to die; would to god i were indeed dead, if i am mistaken, and if that look was not meant for me. tell me if fate can be so cruel as to let a man deceive himself in a manner at once so sad and so sweet. i believe that you commanded me to live. you are rich, beautiful. i know it. your father is arrogant and miserly, and you have a right to be proud; but i love you, and the rest is a dream. fix your charming eyes on me; think of what love can do, when i who suffer so cruelly, who must stand in fear of every thing, feel, nevertheless, an inexpressible joy in writing you this mad letter, which will perhaps bring down your anger upon me. but think also, mademoiselle that you are a little to blame for this, my folly. why did you drop that bouquet? put yourself for an instant, if possible, in my place; i dare think that you love me, and i dare ask you to tell me so. forgive me, i beseech you. i would give my life’s blood to be sure of not offending you, and to see you listening to my love with that angel smile which belongs only to you.
“whatever you may do, your image remains mine; you can remove it only by tearing out my heart. as long as your look lives in my remembrance, as long as the bouquet keeps a trace of its perfume, as long as a word will tell of love, i will cherish hope.”
having sealed his letter, croisilles went out and walked up and down the street opposite the godeau mansion, waiting for a servant to come out. chance, which always serves mysterious loves, when it can do so without compromising itself, willed it that mademoiselle julie’s maid should have arranged to purchase a cap on that day. she was going to the milliner’s when croisilles accosted her, slipped a louis into her hand, and asked her to take charge of his letter.
the bargain was soon struck; the servant took the money to pay for her cap and promised to do the errand out of gratitude. croisilles, full of joy, went home and sat at his door awaiting an answer.
before speaking of this answer, a word must be said about mademoiselle godeau. she was not quite free from the vanity of her father, but her good nature was ever uppermost. she was, in the full meaning of the term, a spoilt child. she habitually spoke very little, and never was she seen with a needle in her hand; she spent her days at her toilet, and her evenings on the sofa, not seeming to hear the conversation going on around her. as regards her dress, she was prodigiously coquettish, and her own face was surely what she thought most of on earth. a wrinkle in her collarette, an ink-spot on her finger, would have distressed her; and, when her dress pleased her, nothing can describe the last look which she cast at her mirror before leaving the room. she showed neither taste nor aversion for the pleasures in which young ladies usually delight. she went to balls willingly enough, and renounced going to them without a show of temper, sometimes without motive.
the play wearied her, and she was in the constant habit of falling asleep there. when her father, who worshipped her, proposed to make her some present of her own choice, she took an hour to decide, not being able to think of anything she cared for. when m. godeau gave a reception or a dinner, it often happened that julie would not appear in the drawing-room, and at such times she passed the evening alone in her own room, in full dress, walking up and down, her fan in her hand. if a compliment was addressed to her, she turned away her head, and if any one attempted to pay court to her, she responded only by a look at once so dazzling and so serious as to disconcert even the boldest. never had a sally made her laugh; never had an air in an opera, a flight of tragedy, moved her; indeed, never had her heart given a sign of life; and, on seeing her pass in all the splendor of her nonchalant loveliness one might have taken her for a beautiful somnambulist, walking through the world as in a trance.
so much indifference and coquetry did not seem easy to understand. some said she loved nothing, others that she loved nothing but herself. a single word, however, suffices to explain her character,—she was waiting. from the age of fourteen she had heard it ceaselessly repeated that nothing was so charming as she. she was convinced of this, and that was why she paid so much attention to dress. in failing to do honor to her own person, she would have thought herself guilty of sacrilege. she walked, in her beauty, so to speak, like a child in its holiday dress; but she was very far from thinking that her beauty was to remain useless.
beneath her apparent unconcern she had a will, secret, inflexible, and the more potent the better it was concealed. the coquetry of ordinary women, which spends itself in ogling, in simpering, and in smiling, seemed to her a childish, vain, almost contemptible way of fighting with shadows. she felt herself in possession of a treasure, and she disdained to stake it piece by piece; she needed an adversary worthy of herself; but, too accustomed to see her wishes anticipated, she did not seek that adversary; it may even be said that she felt astonished at his failing to present himself.
for the four or five years that she had been out in society and had conscientiously displayed her flowers, her furbelows, and her beautiful shoulders, it seemed to her inconceivable that she had not yet inspired some great passion.
had she said what was really behind her thoughts, she certainly would have replied to her many flatterers: “well! if it is true that i am so beautiful, why do you not blow your brains out for me?” an answer which many other young girls might make, and which more than one who says nothing hides away in a corner of her heart, not far perhaps from the tip of her tongue.
what is there, indeed, in the world, more tantalizing for a woman than to be young, rich, beautiful, to look at herself in her mirror and see herself charmingly dressed, worthy in every way to please, fully disposed to allow herself to be loved, and to have to say to herself: “i am admired, i am praised, all the world thinks me charming, but nobody loves me. my gown is by the best maker, my laces are superb, my coiffure is irreproachable, my face the most beautiful on earth, my figure slender, my foot prettily turned, and all this helps me to nothing but to go and yawn in the corner of some drawing-room! if a young man speaks to me he treats me as a child; if i am asked in marriage, it is for my dowry; if somebody presses my hand in a dance, it is sure to be some provincial fop; as soon as i appear anywhere, i excite a murmur of admiration; but nobody speaks low, in my ear, a word that makes my heart beat. i hear impertinent men praising me in loud tones, a couple of feet away, and never a look of humbly sincere adoration meets mine. still i have an ardent soul full of life, and i am not, by any means, only a pretty doll to be shown about, to be made to dance at a ball, to be dressed by a maid in the morning and undressed at night—beginning the whole thing over again the next day.”
that is what mademoiselle godeau had many times said to herself; and there were hours when that thought inspired her with so gloomy a feeling that she remained mute and almost motionless for a whole day. when croisilles wrote her, she was in just such a fit of ill-humor. she had just been taking her chocolate and was deep in meditation, stretched upon a lounge, when her maid entered and handed her the letter with a mysterious air. she looked at the address, and not recognizing the handwriting, fell again to musing.
the maid then saw herself forced to explain what it was, which she did with a rather disconcerted air, not being at all sure how the young lady would take the matter. mademoiselle godeau listened without moving, then opened the letter, and cast only a glance at it; she at once asked for a sheet of paper, and nonchalantly wrote these few words:
“no, sir, i assure you i am not proud. if you had only a hundred thousand crowns, i would willingly marry you.”
such was the reply which the maid at once took to croisilles, who gave her another louis for her trouble.
