narrated by kai lung, in the open space of the tea-shop of the
celestial principles, at wu-whei.
“ho, illustrious passers-by!” said kai lung, the story-teller, as he spread out his embroidered mat under the mulberry-tree. “it is indeed unlikely that you would condescend to stop and listen to the foolish words of such an insignificant and altogether deformed person as myself. nevertheless, if you will but retard your elegant footsteps for a few moments, this exceedingly unprepossessing individual will endeavour to entertain you with the recital of the adventures of the noble yung chang, as recorded by the celebrated pe-ku-hi.”
thus adjured, the more leisurely-minded drew near to hear the history of yung chang. there was sing you the fruit-seller, and li ton-ti the wood-carver; hi seng left his clients to cry in vain for water; and wang yu, the idle pipe-maker, closed his shop of “the fountain of beauty,” and hung on the shutter the gilt dragon to keep away customers in his absence. these, together with a few more shopkeepers and a dozen or so loafers, constituted a respectable audience by the time kai lung was ready.
“it would be more seemly if this ill-conditioned person who is now addressing such a distinguished assembly were to reward his fine and noble-looking hearers for their trouble,” apologized the story-teller. “but, as the book of verses says, ‘the meaner the slave, the greater the lord’; and it is, therefore, not unlikely that this majestic concourse will reward the despicable efforts of their servant by handfuls of coins till the air appears as though filled with swarms of locusts in the season of much heat. in particular, there is among this august crowd of mandarins one wang yu, who has departed on three previous occasions without bestowing the reward of a single cash. if the feeble and covetous-minded wang yu will place within this very ordinary bowl the price of one of his exceedingly ill-made pipes, this unworthy person will proceed.”
“vast chasms can be filled, but the heart of man never,” quoted the pipe-maker in retort. “oh, most incapable of story-tellers, have you not on two separate occasions slept beneath my utterly inadequate roof without payment?”
but he, nevertheless, deposited three cash in the bowl, and drew nearer among the front row of the listeners.
“it was during the reign of the enlightened emperor tsing nung,” began kai lung, without further introduction, “that there lived at a village near honan a wealthy and avaricious maker of idols, named ti hung. so skilful had he become in the making of clay idols that his fame had spread for many li round, and idol-sellers from all the neighbouring villages, and even from the towns, came to him for their stock. no other idol-maker between honan and nanking employed so many clay-gatherers or so many modellers; yet, with all his riches, his avarice increased till at length he employed men whom he called ‘agents’ and ‘travellers,’ who went from house to house selling his idols and extolling his virtues in verses composed by the most illustrious poets of the day. he did this in order that he might turn into his own pocket the full price of the idols, grudging those who would otherwise have sold them the few cash which they would make. owing to this he had many enemies, and his army of travellers made him still more; for they were more rapacious than the scorpion, and more obstinate than the ox. indeed, there is still the proverb, ‘with honey it is possible to soften the heart of the he-goat; but a blow from an iron cleaver is taken as a mark of welcome by an agent of ti hung.’ so that people barred the doors at their approach, and even hung out signs of death and mourning.
“now, among all his travellers there was none more successful, more abandoned, and more valuable to ti hung than li ting. so depraved was li ting that he was never known to visit the tombs of his ancestors; indeed, it was said that he had been heard to mock their venerable memories, and that he had jestingly offered to sell them to anyone who should chance to be without ancestors of his own. this objectionable person would call at the houses of the most illustrious mandarins, and would command the slaves to carry to their masters his tablets, on which were inscribed his name and his virtues. reaching their presence, he would salute them with the greeting of an equal, ‘how is your stomach?’ and then proceed to exhibit samples of his wares, greatly overrating their value. ‘behold!’ he would exclaim, ‘is not this elegantly-moulded idol worthy of the place of honour in this sumptuous mansion which my presence defiles to such an extent that twelve basins of rose-water will not remove the stain? are not its eyes more delicate than the most select of almonds? and is not its stomach rounder than the cupolas upon the high temple at peking? yet, in spite of its perfections, it is not worthy of the acceptance of so distinguished a mandarin, and therefore i will accept in return the quarter-tael, which, indeed, is less than my illustrious master gives for the clay alone.’
“in this manner li ting disposed of many idols at high rates, and thereby endeared himself so much to the avaricious heart of ti hung that he promised him his beautiful daughter ning in marriage.
“ning was indeed very lovely. her eyelashes were like the finest willow twigs that grow in the marshes by the yang-tse-kiang; her cheeks were fairer than poppies; and when she bathed in the hoang ho, her body seemed transparent. her brow was finer than the most polished jade; while she seemed to walk, like a winged bird, without weight, her hair floating in a cloud. indeed, she was the most beautiful creature that has ever existed.”
“now may you grow thin and shrivel up like a fallen lemon; but it is false!” cried wang yu, starting up suddenly and unexpectedly. “at chee chou, at the shop of ‘the heaven-sent sugar-cane,’ there lives a beautiful and virtuous girl who is more than all that. her eyes are like the inside circles on the peacock’s feathers; her teeth are finer than the scales on the sacred dragon; her—”
“if it is the wish of this illustriously-endowed gathering that this exceedingly illiterate paper tiger should occupy their august moments with a description of the deformities of the very ordinary young person at chee chou,” said kai lung imperturbably, “then the remainder of the history of the noble-minded yung chang can remain until an evil fate has overtaken wang yu, as it assuredly will shortly.”
“a fair wind raises no storm,” said wang yu sulkily; and kai lung continued:
“such loveliness could not escape the evil eye of li ting, and accordingly, as he grew in favour with ti hung, he obtained his consent to the drawing up of the marriage contracts. more than this, he had already sent to ning two bracelets of the finest gold, tied together with a scarlet thread, as a betrothal present. but, as the proverb says, ‘the good bee will not touch the faded flower,’ and ning, although compelled by the second of the five great principles to respect her father, was unable to regard the marriage with anything but abhorrence. perhaps this was not altogether the fault of li ting, for on the evening of the day on which she had received his present, she walked in the rice fields, and sitting down at the foot of a funereal cypress, whose highest branches pierced the middle air, she cried aloud:
“‘i cannot control my bitterness. of what use is it that i should be called the “white pigeon among golden lilies,” if my beauty is but for the hog-like eyes of the exceedingly objectionable li ting? ah, yung chang, my unfortunate lover! what evil spirit pursues you that you cannot pass your examination for the second degree? my noble-minded but ambitious boy, why were you not content with an agricultural or even a manufacturing career and happiness? by aspiring to a literary degree, you have placed a barrier wider than the whang hai between us.’
“‘as the earth seems small to the soaring swallow, so shall insuperable obstacles be overcome by the heart worn smooth with a fixed purpose,’ said a voice beside her, and yung chang stepped from behind the cypress tree, where he had been waiting for ning. ‘o one more symmetrical than the chrysanthemum,’ he continued, ‘i shall yet, with the aid of my ancestors, pass the second degree, and even obtain a position of high trust in the public office at peking.’
“‘and in the meantime,’ pouted ning, ‘i shall have partaken of the wedding-cake of the utterly unpresentable li ting.’ and she exhibited the bracelets which she had that day received.
“‘alas!’ said yung chang, ‘there are times when one is tempted to doubt even the most efficacious and violent means. i had hoped that by this time li ting would have come to a sudden and most unseemly end; for i have drawn up and affixed in the most conspicuous places notifications of his character, similar to the one here.’
“ning turned, and beheld fastened to the trunk of the cypress an exceedingly elegantly written and composed notice, which yung read to her as follows:
“‘beware of incurring death from starvation
“‘let the distinguished inhabitants of this district observe the
exceedingly ungraceful walk and bearing of the low person who
calls himself li ting. truthfully, it is that of a dog in the act
of being dragged to the river because his sores and diseases
render him objectionable in the house of his master. so will this
hunchbacked person be dragged to the place of execution, and be
bowstrung, to the great relief of all who respect the five senses;
a respectful physiognomy, passionless reflexion, soft speech,
acute hearing, piercing sight.
“‘he hopes to attain to the red button and the peacock’s feather;
but the right hand of the deity itches, and li ting will assuredly
be removed suddenly.’
“‘li ting must certainly be in league with the evil forces if he can withstand so powerful a weapon,’ said ning admiringly, when her lover had finished reading. ‘even now he is starting on a journey, nor will he return till the first day of the month when the sparrows go to the sea and are changed into oysters. perhaps the fate will overtake him while he is away. if not—’
“‘if not,’ said yung, taking up her words as she paused, ‘then i have yet another hope. a moment ago you were regretting my choice of a literary career. learn, then, the value of knowledge. by its aid (assisted, indeed, by the spirits of my ancestors) i have discovered a new and strange thing, for which i can find no word. by using this new system of reckoning, your illustrious but exceedingly narrow-minded and miserly father would be able to make five taels where he now makes one. would he not, in consideration for this, consent to receive me as a son-in-law, and dismiss the inelegant and unworthy li ting?’
“‘in the unlikely event of your being able to convince my illustrious parent of what you say, it would assuredly be so,’ replied ning. ‘but in what way could you do so? my sublime and charitable father already employs all the means in his power to reap the full reward of his sacred industry. his “solid house-hold gods” are in reality mere shells of clay; higher-priced images are correspondingly constructed, and his clay gatherers and modellers are all paid on a “profit-sharing system.” nay, further, it is beyond likelihood that he should wish for more purchasers, for so great is his fame that those who come to buy have sometimes to wait for days in consequence of those before them; for my exceedingly methodical sire entrusts none with the receiving of money, and the exchanges are therefore made slowly. frequently an unnaturally devout person will require as many as a hundred idols, and so the greater part of the day will be passed.’
“‘in what way?’ inquired yung tremulously.
“‘why, in order that the countings may not get mixed, of course; it is necessary that when he has paid for one idol he should carry it to a place aside, and then return and pay for the second, carrying it to the first, and in such a manner to the end. in this way the sun sinks behind the mountains.’
“‘but,’ said yung, his voice thick with his great discovery, ‘if he could pay for the entire quantity at once, then it would take but a hundredth part of the time, and so more idols could be sold.’
“‘how could this be done?’ inquired ning wonderingly. ‘surely it is impossible to conjecture the value of so many idols.’
“‘to the unlearned it would indeed be impossible,’ replied yung proudly, ‘but by the aid of my literary researches i have been enabled to discover a process by which such results would be not a matter of conjecture, but of certainty. these figures i have committed to tablets, which i am prepared to give to your mercenary and slow-witted father in return for your incomparable hand, a share of the profits, and the dismissal of the uninventive and morally threadbare li ting.’
“‘when the earth-worm boasts of his elegant wings, the eagle can afford to be silent,’ said a harsh voice behind them; and turning hastily they beheld li ting, who had come upon them unawares. ‘oh, most insignificant of table-spoilers,’ he continued, ‘it is very evident that much over-study has softened your usually well-educated brains. were it not that you are obviously mentally afflicted, i should unhesitatingly persuade my beautiful and refined sword to introduce you to the spirits of your ignoble ancestors. as it is, i will merely cut off your nose and your left ear, so that people may not say that the dragon of the earth sleeps and wickedness goes unpunished.’
“both had already drawn their swords, and very soon the blows were so hard and swift that, in the dusk of the evening, it seemed as though the air were filled with innumerable and many-coloured fireworks. each was a practised swordsman, and there was no advantage gained on either side, when ning, who had fled on the appearance of li ting, reappeared, urging on her father, whose usually leisurely footsteps were quickened by the dread that the duel must surely result in certain loss to himself, either of a valuable servant, or of the discovery which ning had briefly explained to him, and of which he at once saw the value.
“‘oh, most distinguished and expert persons,’ he exclaimed breathlessly, as soon as he was within hearing distance, ‘do not trouble to give so marvellous an exhibition for the benefit of this unworthy individual, who is the only observer of your illustrious dexterity! indeed, your honourable condescension so fills this illiterate person with shame that his hearing is thereby preternaturally sharpened, and he can plainly distinguish many voices from beyond the hoang ho, crying for the heaven-sent representative of the degraded ti hung to bring them more idols. bend, therefore, your refined footsteps in the direction of poo chow, o li ting, and leave me to make myself objectionable to this exceptional young man with my intolerable commonplaces.’
“‘the shadow falls in such a direction as the sun wills,’ said li ting, as he replaced his sword and departed.
“‘yung chang,’ said the merchant, ‘i am informed that you have made a discovery that would be of great value to me, as it undoubtedly would if it is all that you say. let us discuss the matter without ceremony. can you prove to me that your system possesses the merit you claim for it? if so, then the matter of arrangement will be easy.’
“‘i am convinced of the absolute certainty and accuracy of the discovery,’ replied yung chang. ‘it is not as though it were an ordinary matter of human intelligence, for this was discovered to me as i was worshipping at the tomb of my ancestors. the method is regulated by a system of squares, triangles, and cubes. but as the practical proof might be long, and as i hesitate to keep your adorable daughter out in the damp night air, may i not call at your inimitable dwelling in the morning, when we can go into the matter thoroughly?’
“i will not weary this intelligent gathering, each member of which doubtless knows all the books on mathematics off by heart, with a recital of the means by which yung chang proved to ti hung the accuracy of his tables and the value of his discovery of the multiplication table, which till then had been undreamt of,” continued the story-teller. “it is sufficient to know that he did so, and that ti hung agreed to his terms, only stipulating that li ting should not be made aware of his dismissal until he had returned and given in his accounts. the share of the profits that yung was to receive was cut down very low by ti hung, but the young man did not mind that, as he would live with his father-in-law for the future.
“with the introduction of this new system, the business increased like a river at flood-time. all rivals were left far behind, and ti hung put out this sign:
“no waiting here!
“good-morning! have you worshipped one of ti hung’s refined
ninety-nine cash idols?
“let the purchasers of ill-constructed idols at other
establishments, where they have grown old and venerable while
waiting for the all-thumb proprietors to count up to ten, come to
the shop of ti hung and regain their lost youth. our ninety-nine
cash idols are worth a tael a set. we do not, however, claim that
they will do everything. the ninety-nine cash idols of ti hung
will not, for example, purify linen, but even the most contented
and frozen-brained person cannot be happy until he possesses one.
what is happiness? the exceedingly well-educated philosopher
defines it as the accomplishment of all our desires. everyone
desires one of the ti hung’s ninety-nine cash idols, therefore get
one; but be sure that it is ti hung’s.
“have you a bad idol? if so, dismiss it, and get one of ti hung’s
ninety-nine cash specimens.
“why does your idol look old sooner than your neighbours? because
yours is not one of ti hung’s ninety-nine cash marvels.
“they bring all delights to the old and the young,
the elegant idols supplied by ti hung.
“n.b.—the ‘great sacrifice’ idol, forty-five cash; delivered,
carriage free, in quantities of not less than twelve, at any
temple, on the evening before the sacrifice.
“it was about this time that li ting returned. his journey had been more than usually successful, and he was well satisfied in consequence. it was not until he had made out his accounts and handed in his money that ti hung informed him of his agreement with yung chang.
“‘oh, most treacherous and excessively unpopular ti hung,’ exclaimed li ting, in a terrible voice, ‘this is the return you make for all my entrancing efforts in your services, then? it is in this way that you reward my exceedingly unconscientious recommendations of your very inferior and unendurable clay idols, with their goggle eyes and concave stomachs! before i go, however, i request to be inspired to make the following remark—that i confidently predict your ruin. and now this low and undignified person will finally shake the elegant dust of your distinguished house from his thoroughly inadequate feet, and proceed to offer his incapable services to the rival establishment over the way.’
“‘the machinations of such an evilly-disposed person as li ting will certainly be exceedingly subtle,’ said ti hung to his son-in-law when the traveller had departed. ‘i must counteract his omens. herewith i wish to prophecy that henceforth i shall enjoy an unbroken run of good fortune. i have spoken, and assuredly i shall not eat my words.’
“as the time went on, it seemed as though ti hung had indeed spoken truly. the ease and celerity with which he transacted his business brought him customers and dealers from more remote regions than ever, for they could spend days on the journey and still save time. the army of clay-gatherers and modellers grew larger and larger, and the work-sheds stretched almost down to the river’s edge. only one thing troubled ti hung, and that was the uncongenial disposition of his son-in-law, for yung took no further interest in the industry to which his discovery had given so great an impetus, but resolutely set to work again to pass his examination for the second degree.
“‘it is an exceedingly distinguished and honourable thing to have failed thirty-five times, and still to be undiscouraged,’ admitted ti hung; ‘but i cannot cleanse my throat from bitterness when i consider that my noble and lucrative business must pass into the hands of strangers, perhaps even into the possession of the unendurable li ting.’
“but it had been appointed that this degrading thing should not happen, however, and it was indeed fortunate that yung did not abandon his literary pursuits; for after some time it became very apparent to ti hung that there was something radically wrong with his business. it was not that his custom was falling off in any way; indeed, it had lately increased in a manner that was phenomenal, and when the merchant came to look into the matter, he found to his astonishment that the least order he had received in the past week had been for a hundred idols. all the sales had been large, and yet ti hung found himself most unaccountably deficient in taels. he was puzzled and alarmed, and for the next few days he looked into the business closely. then it was that the reason was revealed, both for the falling off in the receipts and for the increase in the orders. the calculations of the unfortunate yung chang were correct up to a hundred, but at that number he had made a gigantic error—which, however, he was never able to detect and rectify—with the result that all transactions above that point worked out at a considerable loss to the seller. it was in vain that the panic-stricken ti hung goaded his miserable son-in-law to correct the mistake; it was equally in vain that he tried to stem the current of his enormous commercial popularity. he had competed for public favour, and he had won it, and every day his business increased till ruin grasped him by the pigtail. then came an order from one firm at peking for five millions of the ninety-nine cash idols, and at that ti hung put up his shutters, and sat down in the dust.
“‘behold!’ he exclaimed, ‘in the course of a lifetime there are many very disagreeable evils that may overtake a person. he may offend the sacred dragon, and be in consequence reduced to a fine dry powder; or he may incur the displeasure of the benevolent and pure-minded emperor, and be condemned to death by roasting; he may also be troubled by demons or by the disturbed spirits of his ancestors, or be struck by thunderbolts. indeed, there are numerous annoyances, but they become as heaven-sent blessings in comparison to a self-opinionated and more than ordinarily weak-minded son-in-law. of what avail is it that i have habitually sold one idol for the value of a hundred? the very objectionable man in possession sits in my delectable summer-house, and the unavoidable legal documents settle around me like a flock of pigeons. it is indeed necessary that i should declare myself to be in voluntary liquidation, and make an assignment of my book debts for the benefit of my creditors. having accomplished this, i will proceed to the well-constructed tomb of my illustrious ancestors, and having kow-towed at their incomparable shrines, i will put an end to my distinguished troubles with this exceedingly well-polished sword.’
“‘the wise man can adapt himself to circumstances as water takes the shape of the vase that contains it,’ said the well-known voice of li ting. ‘let not the lion and the tiger fight at the bidding of the jackal. by combining our forces all may be well with you yet. assist me to dispose of the entirely superfluous yung chang and to marry the elegant and symmetrical ning, and in return i will allot to you a portion of my not inconsiderable income.’
“‘however high the tree, the leaves fall to the ground, and your hour has come at last, o detestable li ting!’ said yung, who had heard the speakers and crept upon them unperceived. ‘as for my distinguished and immaculate father-in-law, doubtless the heat has affected his indefatigable brains, or he would not have listened to your contemptible suggestion. for yourself, draw!’
“both swords flashed, but before a blow could be struck the spirits of his ancestors hurled li ting lifeless to the ground, to avenge the memories that their unworthy descendant had so often reviled.
“‘so perish all the enemies of yung chang,’ said the victor. ‘and now, my venerated but exceedingly short-sighted father-in-law, learn how narrowly you have escaped making yourself exceedingly objectionable to yourself. i have just received intelligence from peking that i have passed the second degree, and have in consequence been appointed to a remunerative position under the government. this will enable us to live in comfort, if not in affluence, and the rest of your engaging days can be peacefully spent in flying kites.’”
