as recorded by himself before his sudden departure from peking,

owing to circumstances which are made plain in the following

narrative.

there are moments in the life of a person when the saying of the wise ni-hyu that “misfortune comes to all men and to most women” is endowed with double force. at such times the faithful child of the sun is a prey to the whitest and most funereal thoughts, and even the inspired wisdom of his illustrious ancestors seems more than doubtful, while the continued inactivity of the sacred dragon appears for the time to give colour to the scoffs of the western barbarian. a little while ago these misgivings would have found no resting-place in the bosom of the writer. now, however—but the matter must be made clear from the beginning.

the name of the despicable person who here sets forth his immature story is kin yen, and he is a native of kia-lu in the province of che-kiang. having purchased from a very aged man the position of hereditary instructor in the art of drawing birds and flowers, he gave lessons in these accomplishments until he had saved sufficient money to journey to peking. here it was his presumptuous intention to learn the art of drawing figures in order that he might illustrate printed leaves of a more distinguished class than those which would accept what true politeness compels him to call his exceedingly unsymmetrical pictures of birds and flowers. accordingly, when the time arrived, he disposed of his hereditary instructorship, having first ascertained in the interests of his pupils that his successor was a person of refined morals and great filial piety.

alas! it is well written, “the road to eminence lies through the cheap and exceedingly uninviting eating-houses.” in spite of this person’s great economy, and of his having begged his way from kia-lu to peking in the guise of a pilgrim, journeying to burn incense in the sacred temple of truth near that city, when once within the latter place his taels melted away like the smile of a person of low class when he discovers that the mandarin’s stern words were not intended as a jest. moreover, he found that the story-makers of peking, receiving higher rewards than those at kia-lu, considered themselves bound to introduce living characters into all their tales, and in consequence the very ornamental drawings of birds and flowers which he had entwined into a legend entitled “the last fight of the heaven-sent tcheng”—a story which had been entrusted to him for illustration as a test of his skill—was returned to him with a communication in which the writer revealed his real meaning by stating contrary facts. it therefore became necessary that he should become competent in the art of drawing figures without delay, and with this object he called at the picture-room of tieng lin, a person whose experience was so great that he could, without discomfort to himself, draw men and women of all classes, both good and bad. when the person who is setting forth this narrative revealed to tieng lin the utmost amount of money he could afford to give for instruction in the art of drawing living figures, tieng lin’s face became as overcast as the sky immediately before the great rains, for in his ignorance of this incapable person’s poverty he had treated him with equality and courtesy, nor had he kept him waiting in the mean room on the plea that he was at that moment closeted with the sacred emperor. however, upon receiving an assurance that a rumour would be spread in which the number of taels should be multiplied by ten, and that the sum itself should be brought in advance, tieng lin promised to instruct this person in the art of drawing five characters, which, he said, would be sufficient to illustrate all stories except those by the most expensive and highly-rewarded story-tellers—men who have become so proficient that they not infrequently introduce a score or more of living persons into their tales without confusion.

after considerable deliberation, this unassuming person selected the following characters, judging them to be the most useful, and the most readily applicable to all phases and situations of life:

1. a bad person, wearing a long dark pigtail and smoking an opium pipe. his arms to be folded, and his clothes new and very expensive.

2. a woman of low class. one who removes dust and useless things from the rooms of the over-fastidious and of those who have long nails; she to be carrying her trade-signs.

3. a person from pe-ling, endowed with qualities which cause the beholder to be amused. this character to be especially designed to go with the short sayings which remove gravity.

4. one who, having incurred the displeasure of the sublime emperor, has been decapitated in consequence.

5. an ordinary person of no striking or distinguished appearance. one who can be safely introduced in all places and circumstances without great fear of detection.

after many months spent in constant practice and in taking measurements, this unenviable person attained a very high degree of proficiency, and could draw any of the five characters without hesitation. with renewed hope, therefore, he again approached those who sit in easy-chairs, and concealing his identity (for they are stiff at bending, and when once a picture-maker is classed as “of no good” he remains so to the end, in spite of change), he succeeded in getting entrusted with a story by the elegant and refined kyen tal. this writer, as he remembered with distrust, confines his distinguished efforts entirely to the doings of sailors and of those connected with the sea, and this tale, indeed, he found upon reading to be the narrative of how a hang-chow junk and its crew, consisting mostly of aged persons, were beguiled out of their course by an exceedingly ill-disposed dragon, and wrecked upon an island of naked barbarians. it was, therefore, with a somewhat heavy stomach that this person set himself the task of arranging his five characters as so to illustrate the words of the story.

the sayings of the ancient philosopher tai loo are indeed very subtle, and the truth of his remark, “after being disturbed in one’s dignity by a mandarin’s foot it is no unusual occurrence to fall flat on the face in crossing a muddy street,” was now apparent. great as was the disadvantage owing to the nature of the five characters, this became as nothing when it presently appeared that the avaricious and clay-souled tieng lin, taking advantage of the blindness of this person’s enthusiasm, had taught him the figures so that they all gazed in the same direction. in consequence of this it would have been impossible that two should be placed as in the act of conversing together had not the noble kyen tal been inspired to write that “his companions turned from him in horror.” this incident the ingenious person who is recording these facts made the subject of three separate drawings, and having in one or two other places effected skilful changes in the writing, so similar in style to the strokes of the illustrious kyen tal as to be undetectable, he found little difficulty in making use of all his characters. the risks of the future, however, were too great to be run with impunity; therefore it was arranged, by means of money—for this person was fast becoming acquainted with the ways of peking—that an emissary from one who sat in an easy-chair should call upon him for a conference, the narrative of which appeared in this form in the peking printed leaves of thrice-distilled truth:

the brilliant and amiable young picture-maker kin yen, in spite of

the immediate and universal success of his accomplished efforts,

is still quite rotund in intellect, nor is he, if we may use a

form of speaking affected by our friends across the hoang hai,

“suffering from swollen feet.” a person with no recognized

position, but one who occasionally does inferior work of this

nature for us, recently surprised kin yen without warning, and

found him in his sumptuously appointed picture-room, busy with

compasses and tracing-paper. about the place were scattered in

elegant confusion several of his recent masterpieces. from the

subsequent conversation we are in a position to make it known that

in future this refined and versatile person will confine himself

entirely to illustrations of processions, funerals, armies on the

march, persons pursued by others, and kindred subjects which

appeal strongly to his imagination. kin yen has severe emotions on

the subject of individuality in art, and does not hesitate to

express himself forcibly with reference to those who are content

to degrade the names of their ancestors by turning out what he

wittily describes as “so much of varied mediocrity.”

the prominence obtained by this pleasantly-composed notice—for it was copied by others who were unaware of the circumstance of its origin—had the desired effect. in future, when one of those who sit in easy-chairs wished for a picture after the kind mentioned, he would say to his lesser one: “oh, send to the graceful and versatile kin yen; he becomes inspired on the subject of funerals,” or persons escaping from prison, or families walking to the temple, or whatever it might be. in that way this narrow-minded and illiterate person was soon both looked at and rich, so that it was his daily practice to be carried, in silk garments, past the houses of those who had known him in poverty, and on these occasions he would puff out his cheeks and pull his moustaches, looking fiercely from side to side.

true are the words written in the elegant and distinguished book of verses: “beware lest when being kissed by the all-seeing emperor, you step upon the elusive banana-peel.” it was at the height of eminence in this altogether degraded person’s career that he encountered the being who led him on to his present altogether too lamentable condition.

tien nung is the earthly name by which is known she who combines all the most illustrious attributes which have been possessed of women since the days of the divine fou-hy. her father is a person of very gross habits, and lives by selling inferior merchandise covered with some of good quality. upon past occasions, when under the direct influence of tien, and in the hope of gaining some money benefit, this person may have spoken of him in terms of praise, and may even have recommended friends to entrust articles of value to him, or to procure goods on his advice. now, however, he records it as his unalterable decision that the father of tien nung is by profession a person who obtains goods by stratagem, and that, moreover, it is impossible to gain an advantage over him on matters of exchange.

the events that have happened prove the deep wisdom of li pen when he exclaimed “the whitest of pigeons, no matter how excellent in the silk-hung chamber, is not to be followed on the field of battle.” tien herself was all that the most exacting of persons could demand, but her opinions on the subject of picture-making were not formed by heavy thought, and it would have been well if this had been borne in mind by this person. one morning he chanced to meet her while carrying open in his hands four sets of printed leaves containing his pictures.

“i have observed,” said tien, after the usual personal inquiries had been exchanged, “that the renowned kin yen, who is the object of the keenest envy among his brother picture-makers, so little regards the sacredness of his accomplished art that never by any chance does he depict persons of the very highest excellence. let not the words of an impetuous maiden disarrange his digestive organs if they should seem too bold to the high-souled kin yen, but this matter has, since she has known him, troubled the eyelids of tien. here,” she continued, taking from this person’s hand one of the printed leaves which he was carrying, “in this illustration of persons returning from extinguishing a fire, is there one who appears to possess those qualities which appeal to all that is intellectual and competitive within one? can it be that the immaculate kin yen is unacquainted with the subtle distinction between the really select and the vastly ordinary? ah, undiscriminating kin yen! are not the eyelashes of the person who is addressing you as threads of fine gold to junk’s cables when compared with those of the extremely commonplace female who is here pictured in the art of carrying a bucket? can the most refined lack of vanity hide from you the fact that your own person is infinitely rounder than this of the evilly-intentioned-looking individual with the opium pipe? o blind kin yen!”

here she fled in honourable confusion, leaving this person standing in the street, astounded, and a prey to the most distinguished emotions of a complicated nature.

“oh, tien,” he cried at length, “inspired by those bright eyes, narrower than the most select of the three thousand and one possessed by the sublime buddha, the almost fallen kin yen will yet prove himself worthy of your esteemed consideration. he will, without delay, learn to draw two new living persons, and will incorporate in them the likenesses which you have suggested.”

returning swiftly to his abode, he therefore inscribed and despatched this letter, in proof of his resolve:

“to the heaven-sent human chrysanthemum, in whose body reside the celestial principles and the imprisoned colours of the rainbow.

“from the very offensive and self-opinionated picture-maker.

“henceforth this person will take no rest, nor eat any but the commonest food, until he shall have carried out the wishes of his one jade star, she whose teeth he is not worthy to blacken.

“when kin yen has been entrusted with a story which contains a being in some degree reflecting the character of tien, he will embellish it with her irreproachable profile and come to hear her words. till then he bids her farewell.”

from that moment most of this person’s time was necessarily spent in learning to draw the two new characters, and in consequence of this he lost much work, and, indeed, the greater part of the connexion which he had been at such pains to form gradually slipped away from him. many months passed before he was competent to reproduce persons resembling tien and himself, for in this he was unassisted by tieng lin, and his progress was slow.

at length, being satisfied, he called upon the least fierce of those who sit in easy-chairs, and requested that he might be entrusted with a story for picture-making.

“we should have been covered with honourable joy to set in operation the brush of the inspired kin yen,” replied the other with agreeable condescension; “only at the moment, it does not chance that we have before us any stories in which funerals, or beggars being driven from the city, form the chief incidents. perhaps if the polished kin yen should happen to be passing this ill-constructed office in about six months’ time—”

“the brush of kin yen will never again depict funerals, or labourers arranging themselves to receive pay or similar subjects,” exclaimed this person impetuously, “for, as it is well said, ‘the lightning discovers objects which the paper-lantern fails to reveal.’ in future none but tales dealing with the most distinguished persons shall have his attention.”

“if this be the true word of the dignified kin yen, it is possible that we may be able to animate his inspired faculties,” was the response. “but in that case, as a new style must be in the nature of an experiment, and as our public has come to regard kin yen as the great exponent of art facing in one direction, we cannot continue the exceedingly liberal payment with which we have been accustomed to reward his elegant exertions.”

“provided the story be suitable, that is a matter of less importance,” replied this person.

“the story,” said the one in the easy-chair, “is by the refined tong-king, and it treats of the high-minded and conscientious doubts of one who would become a priest of fo. when preparing for this distinguished office he discovers within himself leanings towards the religion of lao-tse. his illustrious scruples are enhanced by his affection for wu ping, who now appears in the story.”

“and the ending?” inquired this person, for it was desirable that the two should marry happily.

“the inimitable stories of tong-king never have any real ending, and this one, being in his most elevated style, has even less end than most of them. but the whole narrative is permeated with the odour of joss-sticks and honourable high-mindedness, and the two characters are both of noble birth.”

as it might be some time before another story so suitable should be offered, or one which would afford so good an opportunity of wafting incense to tien, and of displaying her incomparable outline in dignified and magnanimous attitudes, this was eagerly accepted, and for the next week this obscure person spent all his days and nights in picturing the lovely tien and his debased self in the characters of the nobly-born young priest of fo and wu ping. the pictures finished, he caused them to be carefully conveyed to the office, and then, sitting down, spent many hours in composing the following letter, to be sent to tien, accompanying a copy of the printed leaves wherein the story and his drawing should appear:

“when the light has for a period been hidden from a person, it is no uncommon thing for him to be struck blind on gazing at the sun; therefore, if the sublime tien values the eyes of kin yen, let her hide herself behind a gauze screen on his approach.

“the trembling words of tien have sunk deep into the inside of kin yen and become part of his being. never again can he depict persons of the quality and in the position he was wont to do.

“with this he sends his latest efforts. in each case he conceives his drawings to be the pictures of the written words; in the noble tien’s case it is undoubtedly so, in his own he aspires to it. doubtless the unobtrusive tien would make no claim to the character and manner of behaving of the one in the story, yet kin yen confidently asserts that she is to the other as the glove is to the hand, and he is filled with the most intelligent delight at being able to exhibit her in her true robes, by which she will be known to all who see her, in spite of her dignified protests. kin yen hopes; he will come this evening after sunset.”

the week which passed between the finishing of the pictures and the appearance of the eminent printed leaves containing them was the longest in this near-sighted person’s ill-spent life. but at length the day arrived, and going with exceedingly mean haste to the place of sale, he purchased a copy and sent it, together with the letter of his honourable intention, on which he had bestowed so much care, to tien.

not till then did it occur to this inconsiderable one that the impetuousness of his action was ill-judged; for might it not be that the pictures were evilly-printed, or that the delicate and fragrant words painting the character of the one who now bore the features of tien had undergone some change?

to satisfy himself, scarce as taels had become with him, he purchased another copy.

there are many exalted sayings of the wise and venerable confucious constructed so as to be of service and consolation in moments of strong mental distress. these for the greater part recommend tranquillity of mind, a complete abnegation of the human passions and the like behaviour. the person who is here endeavouring to bring this badly-constructed account of his dishonourable career to a close pondered these for some moments after twice glancing through the matter in the printed leaves, and then, finding the faculties of speech and movement restored to him, procured a two-edged knife of distinguished brilliance and went forth to call upon the one who sits in an easy-chair.

“behold,” said the lesser one, insidiously stepping in between this person an the inner door, “my intellectual and all-knowing chief is not here to-day. may his entirely insufficient substitute offer words of congratulation to the inspired kin yen on his effective and striking pictures in this week’s issue?”

“his altogether insufficient substitute,” answered this person, with difficulty mastering his great rage, “may and shall offer words of explanation to the inspired kin yen, setting forth the reason of his pictures being used, not with the high-minded story of the elegant tong-king for which they were executed, but accompanying exceedingly base, foolish, and ungrammatical words written by klan-hi, the peking remover of gravity—words which will evermore brand the dew-like tien as a person of light speech and no refinement”; and in his agony this person struck the lacquered table several times with his elegant knife.

“o kin yen,” exclaimed the lesser one, “this matter rests not here. it is a thing beyond the sphere of the individual who is addressing you. all he can tell is that the graceful tong-king withdrew his exceedingly tedious story for some reason at the final moment, and as your eminent drawings had been paid for, my chief of the inner office decided to use them with this story of klan-hi. but surely it cannot be that there is aught in the story to displease your illustrious personality?”

“judge for yourself,” this person said, “first understanding that the two immaculate characters figuring as the personages of the narrative are exact copies of this dishonoured person himself and of the willowy tien, daughter of the vastly rich pe-li-chen, whom he was hopeful of marrying.”

selecting one of the least offensive of the passages in the work, this unhappy person read the following immature and inelegant words:

“this well-satisfied writer of printed leaves had a highly-distinguished time last night. after chow had departed to see about food, and the junk had been fastened up at the lock of kilung, on the yang-tse-kiang, he and the round-bodied shang were journeying along the narrow path by the river-side when the right leg of the graceful and popular person who is narrating these events disappeared into the river. suffering no apprehension in the dark, but that the vanishing limb was the left leg of shang, this intelligent writer allowed his impassiveness to melt away to an exaggerated degree; but at that moment the circumstance became plain to the round-bodied shang, who was in consequence very grossly amused at the mishap and misapprehension of your good lord, the writer, at the same time pointing out the matter as it really was. then it chanced that there came by one of the maidens who carry tea and jest for small sums of money to the sitters at the little tables with round white tops, at which this remarkable person, the confidant of many mandarins, ever desirous of displaying his priceless power of removing gravity, said to her:

“‘how much of gladness, ning-ning? by the sacred serpent this is plainly your night out.’

“perceiving the true facts of the predicament of this commendable writer, she replied:

“‘suffer not your illustrious pigtail to be removed, venerable wang; for in this maiden’s estimation it is indeed your night in.’

“there are times when this valued person wonders whether his method of removing gravity be in reality very antique or quite new. on such occasions the world, with all its schools, and those who interfere in the concerns of others, continues to revolve around him. the wondrous sky-lanterns come out silently two by two like to the crystallized music of stringed woods. then, in the mystery of no-noise, his head becomes greatly enlarged with celestial and highly-profound thoughts; his groping hand seems to touch matter which may be written out in his impressive style and sold to those who print leaves, and he goes home to write out such.”

when this person looked up after reading, with tears of shame in his eyes, he perceived that the lesser one had cautiously disappeared. therefore, being unable to gain admittance to the inner office, he returned to his home.

here the remark of the omniscient tai loo again fixes itself upon the attention. no sooner had this incapable person reached his house than he became aware that a parcel had arrived for him from the still adorable tien. retiring to a distance from it, he opened the accompanying letter and read:

“when a virtuous maiden has been made the victim of a heartless jest or a piece of coarse stupidity at a person’s hands, it is no uncommon thing for him to be struck blind on meeting her father. therefore, if the degraded and evil-minded kin yen values his eyes, ears, nose, pigtail, even his dishonourable breath, let him hide himself behind a fortified wall at pe-li-chen’s approach.

“with this tien returns everything she has ever accepted from kin yen. she even includes the brace of puppies which she received anonymously about a month ago, and which she did not eat, but kept for reasons of her own—reasons entirely unconnected with the vapid and exceedingly conceited kin yen.”

as though this letter, and the puppies of which this person now heard for the first time, making him aware of the existence of a rival lover, were not enough, there almost immediately arrived a letter from tien’s father:

“this person has taken the advice of those skilled in extorting money by means of law forms, and he finds that kin yen has been guilty of a grave and highly expensive act. this is increased by the fact that tien had conveyed his seemingly distinguished intentions to all her friends, before whom she now stands in an exceedingly ungraceful attitude. the machinery for depriving kin yen of all the necessaries of existence shall be put into operation at once.”

at this point, the person who is now concluding his obscure and commonplace history, having spent his last piece of money on joss-sticks and incense-paper, and being convinced of the presence of the spirits of his ancestors, is inspired to make the following prophecies: that tieng lin, who imposed upon him in the matter of picture-making, shall come to a sudden end, accompanied by great internal pains, after suffering extreme poverty; that the one who sits in an easy-chair, together with his lesser one and all who make stories for them, shall, while sailing to a rice feast during the festival of flowers, be precipitated into the water and slowly devoured by sea monsters, klan-hi in particular being tortured in the process; that pel-li-chen, the father of tien, shall be seized with the dancing sickness when in the presence of the august emperor, and being in consequence suspected of treachery, shall, to prove the truth of his denials, be submitted to the tests of boiling tar, red-hot swords, and of being dropped from a great height on to the sacred stone of goodness and badness, in each of which he shall fail to convince his judges or to establish his innocence, to the amusement of all beholders.

these are the true words of kin yen, the picture-maker, who, having unweighed his mind and exposed the avaricious villainy of certain persons, is now retiring by night to a very select and hidden spot in the khingan mountains.