what a world this is for plots! and there is no escaping them. if we are not the originators of them, we are the victims—more or less. if we don’t originate them designedly we do so accidentally.
we have seen how abel bones set himself deliberately to hatch one plot. let us now turn to old fred blurt, and see how that invalid, with the help of his brother enoch, unwittingly sowed the seeds of another.
“dear enoch,” said fred one day, turning on his pillow, “i should have died but for you.”
“and miss lillycrop, fred. don’t be ungrateful. if miss lillycrop had not come to my assistance, it’s little i could have done for you.”
“well, yes, i ought to have mentioned her in the same breath with yourself, enoch, for she has been kind—very kind and patient. now, i want to know if that snake has come.”
“are you sure you’ve recovered enough to attend to business?” asked the brother.
“yes, quite sure. besides, a snake is not business—it is pleasure. i mean to send it to my old friend balls, who has been long anxious to get a specimen. i had asked a friend long ago to procure one for me, and now that it has come i want you to pack it to go by post.”
“by post!” echoed the brother.
“yes, why not?”
“because i fear that live snakes are prohibited articles.”
“get the post-office directory and see for yourself,” said the invalid.
the enormous volume, full six inches thick, which records the abodes and places of business of all noteworthy londoners, was fetched.
“nothing about snakes here,” said enoch, running his eye over the paragraph referring to the articles in question,—“‘glass bottles, leeches, game, fish,’ (but that refers to dead ones, i suppose) ‘flesh, fruit, vegetables, or other perishable substances’ (a snake ain’t perishable, at least not during a brief post-journey)—‘nor any bladder or other vessel containing liquid,’ (ha! that touches him: a snake contains blood, don’t it?)—‘or anything whatsoever which might by pressure or otherwise be rendered injurious to the contents of the mail-bags or to the officers of the post-office.’—well, brother,” continued enoch, “i’m not quite sure that it comes within the forbidden degrees, so we’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and pack it. how d’you propose doing it up? in a letter?”
“no, i had a box made for it before i was taken ill. you’ll find it in the shop, on the upper shelf, beside the northern diver.”
the little box was brought, and the snake, which had been temporarily consigned to an empty glass aquarium, was put into it.
“you’re sure he don’t bite, fred, and isn’t poisonous?”
“quite sure.”
“then here goes—whew! what a lively fellow he is!”
this was indeed true. the animal, upwards of a yard in length, somewhat resembled the eel in his efforts to elude the grasp of man, but mr blurt fixed him, coiled him firmly down on his bed of straw and wadding, pressed a similar bed on the top of him to keep him quiet, and shut the lid.
“there; i’ve got him in all right. now for the screws. he can’t move easily, and even if he could he wouldn’t make much noise.”
the box was finally secured with a piece of string, a label with the address and the proper number of stamps was affixed, and then it was committed to the care of george aspel to post, in time for the evening mail.
it was five minutes to six when aspel ascended the steps of st. martin’s-le-grand. the usual rush was in progress. there was a considerable crowd in front of the letter-box. instead of pushing through, george took advantage of his height, stretched his long arm over the heads of the people, and, with a good aim, pitched the box into the postal jaws.
for a few seconds he stood still, meditating a call on phil maylands. but he was not now as eager to meet his friend as he used to be. he had begun a course of dissipation, and, superior though he was in years, physique, and knowledge to his friend, he felt a new and uncomfortable sense of inferiority when in the presence of the straightforward, steady boy.
at seventeen a year adds much to the manhood of a youth. phil’s powers of perception had been greatly quickened by his residence in london. although he regarded aspel with as warm affection as ever, he could not avoid seeing the change for the worse in him, and a new feeling of deep anxiety and profound but respectful pity filled his heart. he prayed for him also, but did not quite believe that his prayers would be heard, for as yet he did not fully realise or comprehend the grand truths of the religion in which his mother had faithfully trained him. he did not at that time understand, as he afterwards came to understand, that the prayer of faith—however weak and fluttering—is surely answered, whether we see the answer or not, and whether the answer be immediate or long delayed.
on one occasion, with feelings of timorous self-abasement, he ventured to remonstrate with his friend, but the effort was repelled. possibly the thought of another reproof from phil was the cause of aspel’s decision not to look him up on the present occasion.
as he descended the steps, a man as tall and powerful as himself met him and stared him in the face. aspel fired up at once and returned the stare. it was abel bones, on his way to post a letter. the glare intensified, and for a moment it seemed as if the two giants were about to fight. a small street boy, observing the pair, was transfixed with ardent hope, but he was doomed to disappointment. bones had clenched his right hand. if he had advanced another inch the blood of the sea-kings would have declared for war on the spot, regardless of consequences. but bones was too old a bird thus to come within reach of his great enemy, the law. besides, a deeper though not immediate plan of revenge flashed into his mind. relaxing the hand and frown simultaneously, he held out the former.
“come,” he said, in a hearty tone, “i don’t bear you no ill-will for the crack on the nut you gave me, and you’ve surely no occasion to bear ill-will to a man you floored so neatly. shake hands.”
the familiarity, not to say insolence, of this proposal, from one so much beneath him, would probably have induced the youth to turn aside with scorn, but the flattering reference to his pugilistic powers from one who was no mean antagonist softened his feelings.
“well, i’m sure that i bear you no ill-will,” he said, with a smile, extending his hand.
“bah! chicken-livers,” exclaimed the small boy, turning away in supreme contempt.
“and i assure you,” continued aspel, “i had no intention of doing you injury. but no doubt a stout fellow like you didn’t let a knock-down blow interfere with his next day’s work.”
“his next day’s work!” repeated mr bones, with a chuckle. “it would be a queer blow as would interfere with my work. why, guv’nor, i hain’t got no work at all” here he put on a very lugubrious expression. “p’r’aps you won’t believe it, sir, but i do assure you that i haven’t, in them hard times, had a full day’s work for ever so long. and i haven’t earned a rap this day, except the penny i got for postin’ this here letter.”
george aspel, besides being, as we have said, a kind-hearted man, was unusually ignorant of the ways of the world, especially the world of london. he believed abel bones at once, and spoke in quite a softened, friendly tone as he replied—
“i’m sorry to hear that, and would gladly help you if i could, but, to tell you the truth, mr bones, i’m not in flourishing circumstances myself. still, i may perhaps think of some way of helping you. post your letter, and i’ll walk with you while we talk over it.”
the man ran up the steps, posted his letter, which had missed the mail—though he did not appear to care for that—and returned.
although we have spoken of this man as a confirmed drunkard, it must not be supposed that he had reached the lowest state of degradation. like george aspel, he had descended from a higher level in the social scale. of course, his language proved that he had never been in the rank of a gentleman, but in manners and appearance he was much above the unhappy outcasts amongst whom he dwelt. moreover, he had scarcely reached middle life, and was, or had been, a handsome man, so that, when he chose to dress decently and put on a sanctimonious look (which he could do with much facility), he seemed quite a respectable personage.
“now, guv’nor, i’m at your sarvice,” he said. “this is my way. is it yours?”
“yes—any way will do,” continued aspel. “now let me hear about you. i owe you some sort of reparation for that blow. have you dined?—will you eat?”
“well, no; thank ’ee all the same, but i’ve no objection to drink.”
they chanced to be near a public-house as he spoke. it would be difficult in some thoroughfares of london to stop without chancing to be near a public-house!
they entered, and aspel, resolving to treat the man handsomely, called for brandy and soda. it need scarcely be said that at that hour the brandy and soda was by no means the first of its kind that either of the men had imbibed that day. over it they became extremely confidential and chatty. mr bones was a lively and sensible fellow. it was noticeable, too, that his language improved and his demeanour became more respectful as the acquaintance progressed. after a time they rose. aspel paid for the brandy and soda, and they left the place in company.
leaving them, we shall return to st. martin’s-le-grand, and follow the footsteps of no less a personage than miss lillycrop, for it so happened that that enthusiastic lady, having obtained permission to view the interior of the post-office, had fixed on that evening for her visit. but we must go back a little in time—to that period when the postal jaws were about to open for the reception of the evening mail.
ever since miss lillycrop’s visit to the abode of solomon flint, she had felt an increasing desire to see the inside and the working of that mighty engine of state about which she had heard so much. a permit had been procured for her, and her cousin, may maylands, being off duty at that hour, was able to accompany her.
they were handed over to the care of a polite and intelligent letter-sorter named bright. the sorter seemed fully to appreciate and enter into miss lillycrop’s spirit of inquiry. he led her and may to the inside—the throat, as it were—of those postal jaws, the exterior aspect of which we have already described. on the way thither they had to pass through part of the great letter-sorting hall. it seemed to miss lillycrop’s excited imagination as if she had been suddenly plunged over head and ears into a very ocean of letters. from that moment onwards, during her two hours’ visit, she swam, as it were, among snowy billows of literature.
“this is the receiving-box—the inside of it,” said mr bright, as he led the way through a glass door into a species of closet or compartment about six feet by ten in dimension, or thereabouts, with a low roof.
“this way ladies. stand here on one side. they are just going to open it.”
the visitors saw in front of them a recess, divided by a partition, in which were two large baskets. a few letters were falling into these as they entered. glancing upwards, they saw a long slit, through which a number of curious human eyes peeped for a moment, and disappeared, to be replaced by other eyes. little spurts of letters came intermittently through the slit and fell into the baskets. these, when full, were seized by two attendants, dragged away, and replaced by empty ones.
suddenly the upper lip of the slit, or postal mouth, rose.
“oh, may, look!” exclaimed miss lillycrop eagerly.
not only the eyes but the heads and shoulders of the moving public now became visible to those inside, while the intermittent spurts became gradually a continuous shower of letters. the full significance of the old superscription, “haste, post haste, for thy life,” now began to dawn on miss lillycrop. the hurry, mentioned elsewhere in our description of the outside view, increased as the minutes of grace flew by, and the visitors fairly laughed aloud when they saw the cataract of correspondence—the absolute waterfall, with, now and then, a bag or an entire bandboxful of letters, like a loosened boulder—that tumbled into the baskets below.
from this letter-fall miss lillycrop was led, speechless, by her cicerone, followed by may, to whom the scene was not quite new, and whose chief enjoyment of it consisted in observing her interested and excitable friend’s surprise.
mr bright led them back to the great sorting-room, where the energetic labour of hundreds of men and boys—facing, carrying, stamping, distributing, sorting, etcetera—was going on full swing. everywhere there was rapid work, but no hurry; busy and varied action, but no confusion; a hum of mingled voice and footfall, but no unnecessary noise. it was a splendid example of the power of orderly and united action. to miss lillycrop it conveyed the idea of hopeless and irretrievable confusion!
mounting a staircase, mr bright conducted the ladies to a gallery from which they had a bird’s-eye view of the entire hall. it was, in truth, a series of rooms, connected with the great central apartment by archways. through these—extending away in far perspective, so that the busy workers in the distance became like miniature men—could be seen rows on rows of facing and sorting-tables, covered, heaped up, and almost hidden, by the snows of the evening mail. here the chaos of letters, books, papers, etcetera, was being reduced to order—the whole under the superintendence of a watchful gentleman, on a raised platform in the centre, who took good care that england should not only expect, but also be assured, that every man and boy did his duty.
miss lillycrop glanced at the clock opposite. it was a quarter to seven.
“do you mean to tell me,” she said, turning full on mr bright, and pointing downwards, “that that ocean of letters will be gone, and these tables emptied by eight o’clock?”
“indeed i do, ma’am; and more than what you see there, for the district bags have not all come in yet. by eight o’clock these tables will be as bare as the palm of my hand.”
mr bright extended a large and manly palm by way of emphasising his remark.
miss lillycrop was too polite to say, “that’s a lie!” but she firmly, though mutely, declined to believe it.
“d’you observe the tables just below us, ma’am?”
he pointed to what might have been six large board-room tables, surrounded by boys and men as close as they could stand. as, however, the tables in question were covered more than a foot deep with letters, miss lillycrop only saw their legs.
“these are the facing-tables,” continued mr bright. “all that the men and lads round ’em have got to do with the letters there is to arrange them for the stampers, with their backs and stamps all turned one way. we call that facing the letters. they have also to pick out and pitch into baskets, as you see, all book-packets, parcels, and newspapers that may have been posted by mistake in the letter-box.”
while the sorter went on expounding matters, one of the tables had begun to show its wooden surface as its “faced” letters were being rapidly removed, but just then a man with a bag on his shoulder came up, sent a fresh cataract of letters on the blank spot, and re-covered it. presently a stream of men with bags on their backs came in.
“these are the district mails, ma’am,” explained mr bright; “during the last half-hour and more they have been hurrying towards us from all quarters of london; the nearest being brought by men on foot, the more distant bags by vans. some are still on their way; all will concentrate here at last, in time for sorting.”
the contents of these bags as they came in were shot out, and the facing-tables—all of which had begun to show symptoms of the flood going down and dry land appearing—were flooded and reflooded again and again to a greater depth than before.
“the mail will be late to-night,” observed miss lillycrop, with an assured nod.
“o no, ma’am, it won’t,” replied bright, with an easy smile, and may laughed as they returned to the hall to inspect the work in detail.
“here, you see, we stamp the letters.”
mr bright stopped in front of a long table, at which was standing a row of stampers, who passed letters under the stamps with amazing rapidity. each man or youth grasped a stamp, which was connected with a machine on a sort of universal joint. it was a miniature printing-machine, with a little inking-roller, which was moved over the types each time by the mere process of stamping, so the stamper had only to pass the letters under the die with the one hand and stamp with the other as fast as he could. the rate varied, of course, considerably. nervous and anxious stampers illustrated more or less the truth of the proverb, “the more hurry the less speed,” while quiet, steady hands made good progress. they stamped on the average from 100 to 150 letters in the minute, each man.
“you see, ma’am,” remarked mr bright, “it’s the way all the world over: cool-headed men who know their powers always get on best. the stamping-machine is a great improvement on the old system, where you had to strike the inker first, and then the letter. it just doubled the action and the time. we have another ingeniously contrived stamp in the office. it might not occur to you that stamping parcels and other articles of irregular shape is rather difficult, owing to the stamper not striking flatly on them. to obviate this, one of our own men invented a stamp with an india-rubber neck, so that, no matter how irregular the surface of the article may be, the face of the stamp is forced flat upon it by one blow.”
“when stamped,” continued mr bright, moving on, “the letters are taken by boys, as you see, to the sorters. you observe that each sorter has a compartment or frame before him, with separate divisions in it for the great towns only, such as manchester, liverpool, birmingham, brighton, etcetera. now, you know”—here he stopped and assumed an impressive explanatory tone—“you couldn’t expect any single man to sort the letters for every town and village in the kingdom—could you, ma’am?”
miss lillycrop admitted that she could not indulge such an expectation, and further expressed her belief that any man who could must be little better than a lunatic.
“but every man you see here,” continued mr bright, “has batch after batch of letters put before him, which may contain letters from anywhere to everywhere. so, you see, we subdivide the work. the sorters you are now looking at sort the letters for the large towns into separate sections, and all the rest into divisions representing the various parts of the country, such as northern, southern, etcetera. the letters are then collected by the boys you see going up and down the hall.”
“i don’t see them,” interrupted miss lillycrop.
“there, that’s a northern division boy who has just backed against you, ma’am.”
the boy referred to turned, apologised, and gathering the letters for the northern division from the sorter at their elbow, moved on to gather more from others.
“the division letters,” continued bright, “are then conveyed to other sorters, who subdivide them into roads, and then the final sorting takes place for the various towns. we have a staff of about a thousand sorters, assistant sorters, and boy-sorters in this (inland) office alone, who have been, or are being, carefully trained for the work. some are smart, and some of course are slow. they are tested occasionally. when a sorter is tested he is given a pack of five hundred cards—dummies—to represent letters. a good man will sort these in thirteen or fifteen minutes. there are always sure to be a few mis-sorts, even in our well-regulated family—that is, letters sorted to the wrong sections or divisions. forty mis-sorts in the five hundred is considered very bad work.”
“but what if a sorter does not happen to know the division to which any particular letter belongs?” asked miss lillycrop.
“he ought to know,” replied her guide, “because all the sorters have to undergo a strict examination once a year as to their knowledge of towns and villages throughout england.”
“indeed! but,” persisted miss lillycrop, “what does he do with a letter if he chances to forget?”
“why, he must get other sorters to help him.”
“and what happens if he finds a letter so badly addressed that he cannot read it?”
“sends it to the blind division; we shall come to that presently,” said mr bright. “meanwhile we shall visit the hospital i need scarcely explain to you that the hospital is the place to which wounded letters and packages are taken to be healed. here it is.”
the party now stood beside a table, at which several clerks—we might almost say surgeons—were at work, busy with sealing-wax and string.
the patients were a wondrous lot, and told eloquently of human carelessness. here were found letters containing articles that no envelope of mere paper could be expected to hold—such as bunches of heavy keys, articles of jewellery, etcetera, which had already more than half escaped from their covers. there were also frail cardboard boxes, so squeezed and burst that their contents were protruding, and parcels containing worsted and articles of wearing apparel, which had been so carelessly put up as to have come undone in the mail-bags. all these things were being re-tied, re-folded, patched up here and there with sealing-wax, or put into new covers, by the postal surgeons, and done with as much care, too, as though the damage had been caused by the post-office rather than by carelessness in the public.
but among these invalided articles were a few whose condition accidentally revealed attempts to contravene the postal laws. one letter which had burst completely open revealed a pill-box inside, with “dinner pills” on the outside. on examination, the pills turned out to be two sixpences wrapped up in a scrap of paper, on which was written— “thought you had no money to get a stamp with, so sent you some.” it is contrary to regulations to send coin by post without registering the letter. the unfortunate receiver would have to pay eightpence, as a registration fee, for this shilling!
while the party was looking at the hospital work another case was discovered. a book-packet came open and revealed a letter inside. but still further, the letter was found to contain sixpence in silver, sent to defray postage when the book should be returned. here was a double sin! no letter, or writing of the nature of a letter, is allowed to go by book post, and coin may not be sent unregistered. in this case the book would be forwarded at letter-rate, and the 8 pence registration fee would be charged for the coin—the whole amounting to 6 shillings, 6 pence.
“if the public would only attend,” observed mr bright, in commenting on these facts, “to the regulations laid down for their guidance by the post-office—as detailed in our directories and postal guides—such errors would seldom occur, for i believe that things of this sort are the result of ignorance rather than dishonesty.”
“now, ma’am,” he continued, “we come to the blind officers.”
there were several of those gentlemen, whose title, we presume, was satirically expressive of the extraordinary sharpness of their eyes and intellects. they were seated at a table, engaged in examining addresses so illegible, so crabbed, so incomplete, and so ineffably ridiculous, that no man of ordinary mental capacity could make head or tail of them. all the principal london and provincial directories, guides, and gazetteers were ranged in front of the blind officers, to assist them in their arduous labours, and by the aid of these, and their own extensive knowledge of men and places, they managed to dispose of letters for which a stranger would think it impossible to find owners.
“what would you make of that address, now?” said mr bright, presenting a letter to miss lillycrop for inspection.
“it looks like cop—cup—no—it begins with a c at all events.—what think you of it, may?” said the puzzled lady.
“it seems to me something like captain troller of rittler bunch,” said may, laughing. “it is quite illegible.”
“not quite,” said one of the blind officers, with a smile. “it is—comptroller of the returned letter branch. some one making inquiries, no doubt, after a lost letter addressed as badly as this one.”
having looked at a few more of the letters that were then passing under examination, mr bright showed them a book in which were copied facsimiles of addresses which had passed through the post. some of these were pictorial—embracing quaint devices and caricatures, most of them in ink, and some in colours, all of which had been traced by a gentleman in the office with great skill. one that struck may as being very original was the representation of an artist painting the portrait of the queen. her majesty was depicted as sitting for her portrait, and the canvas on the easel before which the artist stood was made the exact size of the postage-stamp.
while the ladies were examining this book of literary curiosities, mr bright took occasion to comment with pardonable pride on the working of the post-office.
“you see, ma’am,” he said, “we do our best for the public—though many of ’em have no idea of it. we don’t send letters to the returned letter branch till we’ve tried, as you see, to get the correct addresses, and until two separate letter-carriers have attempted to deliver them. after leaving the letter-carriers’ hands, the address of every undelivered letter, and the indorsement it bears, are carefully examined by a superior officer, who is held responsible for discovering any wrong treatment it may have undergone, and for having recourse to any further available means of finding the owner. it is considered better that the sender of a letter should know as soon as possible of its non-delivery, than that it should travel about with little prospect of its owner being found. we therefore send it to the returned branch without further delay, where it is carefully examined by a superior officer, to see that it has actually been presented as addressed, and that the reasons assigned for its non-delivery are sufficient. in doubtful cases the directories and other books of reference in the branch are consulted, and should it be found that there has been any oversight or neglect, the letter is immediately re-issued. after all has been done that can be to deliver such letters, they are opened, and returned the same day to the senders. if valuables are enclosed, the address and contents are recorded in case of inquiry. when senders fail to give their addresses, sometimes these are discovered by bills of exchange, cheques, or money-orders, which happen to be enclosed. when addresses of senders can be discovered by information on the outside of covers, the letters are returned without passing through the returned letter branch, and are not opened. when all efforts have failed, and the letters do not contain property, they are not preserved.”
“do many letters come into the returned letter offices in this way?” asked miss lillycrop.
“ay; over the whole kingdom, including the letters sent direct to the senders last year, there were above four millions eight hundred thousand, and of these we managed to return nine-tenths to the writers, or re-issued them to corrected addresses.”
“oh, indeed!” said miss lillycrop, utterly bewildered.
“a large proportion of the letters passing through this office,” said mr bright, “consists of circulars. an account of these was once taken, and the number was found to be nearly twenty millions a year, and of these circulars it was ascertained that—”
“stop! pray, sir, stop!” exclaimed miss lillycrop, pressing her hand to her forehead; “i am lost in admiration of your amazing memory, but i—i have no head for figures. indeed, what i have already heard and seen in this place has produced such confusion in my poor brain that i cannot perceive any difference whatever between millions, billions, and trillions!”
“well, come, we will continue our round,” said mr bright, laughing.
now, while all this was going on in the hall, there was a restive creature inside of a box which did not relish its confinement. this was mr fred blurt’s snake.
that sagacious animal discovered that there was a knot in the side of his pine-wood box. now, knots are sometimes loose. whether the snake found this out, and wrought at the knot intentionally, or forced it out accidentally during its struggles, we cannot tell, but certain it is that it got it out somehow, made its escape, and glided away into the darkest corner it could find.
meanwhile its box was treated after the manner of parcels, and put safely into one of the mail-bags.
as the mass of letters began to diminish in bulk the snake began to feel uncomfortably exposed. at the same time miss lillycrop, with that wicked delight in evil prophecy which is peculiar to mankind, began to feel comfortably exultant.
“you see i was right!” she said to her guide, glancing at the clock, which now indicated ten minutes to eight; “the confusion is almost as great as ever.”
“we shall see,” replied mr bright, quietly, as he led the way back to the gallery.
from this point it could be seen, even by unpractised eyes, that, although the confusion of letters all over the place was still considerable, there were huge gaps on the sorting-tables everywhere, while the facing-tables were of course empty. there was a push and energy also which had not prevailed at first. men seemed as though they really were in considerable haste. letters were being bundled up and tied with string and thrust into bags, and the bags sealed with a degree of celerity that transfixed miss lillycrop and silenced her. a few minutes more and the tables were cleared. another minute, and the bags were being carried out. thirty red vans outside gaped to receive them. eight o’clock struck, whips cracked, wheels rattled, the eight o’clock mail was gone, and there was not a single letter left in the great sorting-room of st. martin’s-le-grand!
“i was right, you see,” said mr bright.
“you were right,” responded miss lillycrop.
they descended and crossed the now unencumbered floor. the snake took it into its mottled head at that moment to do the same. miss lillycrop saw it, shrieked, sprang to get out of its way, fell, and sprained her ankle!
there was a rush of sorters, letter-carriers, boy-sorters, and messengers; the snake was captured, and miss lillycrop was tenderly borne from the general post-office in a state of mental amazement and physical collapse.
