ruth got up rather earlier than usual on that saturday morning. she had a dull, stunned kind of feeling round her heart. she was glad of that; she was glad that she was not acutely sorry, or acutely glad, or acutely anxious about anything.
"if i could always be like this, nothing would matter," she said to herself.
she dressed with her usual scrupulous neatness, and after hesitating for a moment, put on her best sunday serge dress. it was a dark-blue serge, very neatly made. she combed back her luxurious hair and tied it with a ribbon to match the dress. she then ran downstairs.
"why, ruth?" said her grandmother, who was pouring some porridge into bowls, "what are you wearing that frock for?"
"i thought i would like to, granny."
"well, to be sure. i trust to goodness you are not getting extravagant. it will be doomsday before we can get you another like it. you must remember that i saved up for it sixpence by sixpence, and it took me all my time and my best endeavors to get it."
"i know it, granny; and when i wear it i feel that you were very kind to give it me. a girl who wears a dress like this ought to be very, very good, oughtn't she, granny?"
"well, to be sure, little woman; and so you are. there never was a better child. sit down now and sup your porridge. it is extra good this morning, and there's a drop of cream in that jug which will give it a flavor."
ruth sat down to the table and drew her bowl of porridge towards her. the warm, nourishing food seemed to choke her; but, all the same, she ate it with resolution."
"that's right, dear," said her grandmother. "'it's putting a bit of color into your cheeks. you are too white altogether, ruth. i hope, my dear, you are not working too hard."
"oh, that's all right," said ruth, keeping back a groan.
"it's a fine thing your getting into that school," continued mrs. craven; "it gives you a chance. do you know, now, when i look at you and see the pretty little girl you are turning into, and observe your lady-like ways, which every one remarks on, i think of the time when your father was your age."
"yes, granny," said ruth, brightening up and looking earnestly at the old lady; "you never care to talk about father, but i should greatly like to hear about him this morning."
"well, child, i don't talk of him because it hurts me too much. he was the only child i ever had, and if i live to be a hundred i sha'n't get over his death. but he was like you—very neat in his person, and very particular, and always keen over his books. and do you know what he said to his father? it was when he was fifteen years old, just for all the world about the age you are now. i mind the time as well as if it was yesterday. her father and i were sitting by the hearth, and the boy came and stood near us. your grandfather looked up at him, and his blue eyes seemed to melt with love and pride, and he said:
"'what will you be, my boy? will you let me teach you the business, and save up all the money i can for you to sell groceries on a bigger scale? there's many a small business like mine which, when built up, means a great big business and much wealth. if you have a turn that way i could set you on your legs; i am certain of it. i'd like to do it. would you like that best, or would you rather have a profession and be made a gentleman?'
"'the gentleman part doesn't matter,' said our boy in reply to that; 'but i think, father, if you can give me my choice, i'd like best to be that which, if necessary, would oblige me to give my life,'
"'what do you mean?' asked his father, and the lad explained with his eyes shining.
"'i have only got one life,' he said, 'and i'd like to give it if necessary.'"
"to tell the truth, ruth, i could not understand him."
"but i can," said ruth. she hastily put down her porridge spoon and jumped to her feet. "i can understand," she continued; "and i am proud of him."
"so he went into the army. i wish you could have seen him in his uniform; and his father paid for every scrap of the whole thing, and educated him and all. oh, dear! it was a proud moment. but we weren't proud afterwards when we heard that he was killed. his father reminded me of his words: 'i'd like to be that for which i could give my life if necessary,'"
there was quite a pink color in each of ruth's cheeks now, and her eyes were very bright.
"i will go and see grandfather," she said, "and then i must be off to school."
she left the kitchen and went into the tiny parlor where the old man was seated. it was his fashion to get up early and go straight to the parlor and read or talk softly to himself. for a couple of months now he had never sat in the kitchen; he said it caused a buzzing in his head. mrs. craven brought him his meals into the little parlor. he had finished his breakfast when ruth, in her neat sunday dress, entered the room. there was an exalted feeling in her heart, caused by the narrative which her grandmother had told her of her father.
"well, little woman," said the old man, "and you are off to school? or is it school? perhaps it is sunday morning and you are off to church."
"no, grandfather; it is saturday morning—quite a different thing."
"well, my love, i am as pleased as punch about that school. i can't tell you how i think about it, and love to feel that my own little lass is doing so well there. and if you get the scholarship, why, we will be made; we won't have another care nor anxiety; we won't have another wrinkle of trouble as long as we remain in the world."
ruth went straight over to the old man, knelt down by his side, and looked into his face.
"stroke my hair, granddad," she said.
he raised his trembling hand and placed it on her head.
"that is nice," she said, and caught his hand as it went backwards and forwards over her silky black hair, and kissed it.
"granddad," she said after a pause, "is it the best thing—quite the best thing—always to come out on the right side of the ledger?"
"eh? listen to the little woman," said the old man, much pleased and interested by her words. "why, of course, ruth; it is the only thing."
"but does it mean sometimes, grandfather—dishonor?"
"no, it never means that," said mr. craven gravely and thoughtfully. "but i will tell you what, ruthie. it does mean sometimes all you have got."
"yes," said ruth, "i understand." she rose to her feet. do you think my father would have come out on the right side of the ledger?"
"ah, child! when he lay dead on the field of battle he came very much out on the right side, to my thinking. but why that melancholy note in your voice, ruth? and why are your cheeks so flushed? is anything the matter?"
"kiss me," said ruth. "i am glad you have said what you did about father. i am more glad than sorry, on the whole, this morning. good-bye, grandfather."
she kissed him; then she raised her flower-like head and walked out of the room with a gentle dignity all her own.
"what has come to the little woman?" thought the old man.
but in a minute or two he forgot her, and called to his wife to bring him the account-books.
"why do you bother yourself about them?" she asked.
"it has come over me," he replied, "that i have counted things wrong, and that i'll come out on the right side if i am a bit more careful. put the books on this little table, and leave me for an hour or two. that's right, old woman."
"very well, old man," she replied, and she pushed the table towards him, put the account-books thereon, and left the room.
meanwhile ruth went slowly to school. she was in good time. there was no need to hurry. the morning was fresh and beautiful; there was a gentle breeze which fanned her face. it seemed to her that if she let her soul go it would mount on that breeze and get up high above the clouds and the temptations of earth.
"i am glad," she said to herself, "the right side of the ledger means giving up all, and the best of life is to be able to lose it if necessary. i will cling to these two thoughts, and i don't believe if the worst comes that anything can really hurt me."
when she got near the school she was met by mrs. hopkins. she was amazed to see that good woman, as at that hour she was usually busily engaged in her shop. but mrs. hopkins took the bull by the horns and said quietly:
"i came out on purpose to see you, ruth craven."
"well, and what do you want?" asked ruth.
"my dear, you are not looking too well."
"please do not mind my looks."
"it is just this, dear. there will be no end of a fuss in the school to-day."
ruth did not reply.
"and they will press you hard."
still ruth made no answer.
"you know what it will mean if you tell?"
ruth's grave eyes were fixed on mrs. hopkins's face.
"child, i don't want to doubt you—nobody who knows you could do that—but it will mean ruin to poor susy and to many and many a girl at the great shirley school. it isn't so much miss o'hara we mean. miss o'hara has gone into this with her eyes open; and she is rich, and what is disgrace to her in this little part of england, when she herself lives in a great big castle in ireland, and is a queen, lady, and all the rest? but it means—oh, such a frightful lot to so many! now, susy, for instance. i meant to apprentice her to a good trade when she had gone through her course of work at the great shirley; but she will have to be a servant—a little maid-of-all-work—and i think that it would break my heart if she was expelled."
"and what do you want me to do, mrs. hopkins?"
"oh, my dear, not to think of yourself, but of the many who will be ruined—not to tell, ruth craven."
ruth gave a gentle smile; then she put out her small slim hand and touched mrs. hopkins, and then turned and continued her walk to the school.
there were a group of foundationers standing round the entrance. ruth longed to avoid them, but they saw her and clustered round her, and each and all began to whisper in her ears:
"you will be faithful, ruth; nothing will induce you to tell. it will be hard on you, but you won't ruin so many of us. it is better for one to suffer than for all to suffer. you won't tell, will you, ruth?"
ruth made no reply in words. the great bell rang, the doors of the school were flung wide, and the girls, ruth amongst them, entered.
