when the japanese maiden arrives at the age of sixteen, or thereabouts, she is expected as a matter of course to marry. she is usually allowed her choice in regard to whether she will or will not marry a certain man, but she is expected to marry some one, and not to take too much time in making up her mind. the alternative of perpetual spinsterhood is never considered, either by herself or her parents. marriage is as much a matter of course in a woman's life as death, and is no more to be avoided. this being the case, our young woman has only as much liberty of choice accorded to her as is likely to provide against a great amount of unhappiness in her married life. if she positively objects to the man who is proposed to her, she is seldom forced to marry him, but no more cordial feeling than simple toleration is expected of her before marriage.
[58]
the courtship is somewhat after the following manner. a young man, who finds himself in a position to marry, speaks to some married friend, and asks him to be on the lookout for a beautiful[11] and accomplished [59]maiden, who would be willing to become his wife. the friend, acting
[60] rather as advance agent, makes a canvass of all the young maidens of his acquaintance, inquiring among his friends; and finally decides that so-and-so (miss flower, let us say) will be a very good match for his friend. having arrived at this decision, he goes to miss flower's parents and lays the case of his friend before them. should they approve of the suitor, a party is arranged at the house of some common friend, where the young people may have a chance to meet each other and decide each upon the other's merits. should the young folks find no fault with the match, presents are exchanged,[12] a formal betrothal is entered into, and the marriage is hastened forward. all arrangements between the contracting parties are made by go-betweens, or seconds, who hold themselves responsible [61]for the success of the marriage, and must be concerned in the divorce proceedings, should divorce become desirable or necessary.
the marriage ceremony, which seems to be neither religious nor legal in its nature,[*] takes place at the house of the groom, to which the bride is carried, accompanied by her go-betweens, and, if she be of the higher classes, by her own confidential maid, who will serve her as her personal attendant in the new life in her husband's house. the trousseau and household goods, which the bride is expected to bring with her, are sent before.[*] the household goods required by custom as a part of the outfit of every bride are as follows: a bureau; a low desk or table for writing; a work-box; two of the lacquer trays or tables on which meals are served, together with everything required for furnishing them, even to the chopsticks; and two or more complete sets of handsome bed furnishings. the trousseau will contain, if the bride be of a well-to-do family, dresses for all seasons, and handsome sashes without number; for the unchanging fashions of japan, together with the durable quality of the dress material, [62]make it possible for a woman, at the time of her marriage, to enter her husband's house with a supply of clothing that may last her through her lifetime. the parents of the bride, in giving up their daughter, as they do when she marries, show the estimation in which they have held her by the beauty and completeness of the trousseau with which they provide her. this is her very own; and in the event of a divorce, she brings back with her to her father's house the clothing and household goods that she carried away as a bride.
with the bride and her trousseau are sent a great number of presents from the family of the bride to the members of the groom's household. each member of the family, from the aged grandfather to the youngest grandchild, receives some remembrance of the occasion; and even the servants and retainers, down to the jinrikisha men, and the betto in the stables, are not forgotten by the bride's relatives. beside this present-giving, the friends and relatives of the bride and groom, as in this country, send gifts to the young couple, often some article for use in the household, or crêpe or silk for dresses.
[63]
in old times, the wedding took place in the afternoon, but it is now usually celebrated in the evening. the ceremony consists merely in a formal drinking of the native wine (saké) from a two-spouted cup, which is presented to the mouths of the bride and groom alternately. this drinking from one cup is a symbol of the equal sharing of the joys and sorrows of married life. at the ceremony no one is present but the bride and bridegroom, their go-betweens, and a young girl, whose duty it is to present the cup to the lips of the contracting parties. when this is over, the wedding guests, who have been assembled in the next room during the ceremony, join the wedding party, a grand feast is spread, and much merriment ensues.[13]
on the third day after the wedding, the newly married couple are expected to make a visit to the bride's family, and for this great preparations are made. a large party is usually given by the bride's parents, either in the afternoon or evening, in honor of this occasion, to which the friends[64] of the bride's family are invited. the young couple bring with them presents from the groom's family to the bride's, in return for the presents sent on the wedding day.[*]
the festivities often begin early in the afternoon and keep up until late at night. a fine dinner is served, and music and dancing, by professional performers, or some other entertainment, serve to make the time pass pleasantly. the bride appears as hostess with her mother, entertaining the company, and receiving their congratulations, and must remain to speed the last departing guest, before leaving the paternal roof.
within the course of two or three months, the newly married couple are expected to give an entertainment, or series of entertainments, to their friends, as an announcement of the marriage. as the wedding ceremony is private, and no notice is given, nor are cards sent out, this is sometimes the first intimation that is received of the marriage by many of the acquaintances, though the news of a wedding usually travels quickly. the entertainment may be a dinner party, given at home, or at some tea-house, similar in[65] many ways to the one given at the bride's home by her parents. sometimes it is a garden party, and very lately it has become the fashion for officials and people of high rank to give a ball in foreign style.
besides the entertainment, presents of red rice, or mochi, are sent as a token of thanks to all who have remembered the young couple. these are arranged even more elaborately than the ones sent after the birth of an heir.
the young people are not, as in this country, expected to set up housekeeping by themselves, and establish a new home. marriages often take place early in life, even before the husband has any means of supporting a family; and as a matter of course, a son with his wife makes his abode with his parents, and forms simply a new branch of the household.
the only act required to make the marriage legal is the withdrawal of the bride's name from the list of her father's family as registered by the government, and its entry upon the register of her husband's family. from that time forward she severs all ties with her father's house, save those of affection, and is more closely related by[66] law and custom to her husband's relatives than to her own. even this legal recognition of her marriage is a comparatively new thing in japan, as is any limitation of the right of divorce on the part of the husband, or extension of that right to the wife.[14]
at present in japan the marriage relation is by no means a permanent one, as it is virtually dissoluble at the will of either party, and the condition of public opinion is such among the lower classes that it is not an unknown occurrence for a man to marry and divorce several wives in succession; and for a woman, who has been divorced once or twice, to be willing and able to marry well a second or even a third time. among the higher classes, the dread of the scandal and gossip, that must attach themselves to troubles between man and wife, serves as a restraint upon too free use of the power of divorce; but still,[67] divorces among the higher classes are so common now that one meets numerous respectable and respected persons who have at some time in their lives gone through such an experience.
one provision of the law, which serves to make most mothers endure any evil of married life rather than sue for a divorce, is the fact that the children belong to the father; and no matter how unfit a person he may be to have the care of them, the disposal of them in case of a divorce rests absolutely with him. a divorced woman returns childless to her father's house; and many women, in consequence of this law or custom, will do their best to keep the family together, working the more strenuously in this direction, the more brutal and worthless the husband proves himself to be.
the ancestor worship, as found in japan, the tracing of relationship in the male line only, and the generally accepted belief that children inherit their qualities from their father rather than from the mother, make them his children and not hers. thus we often see children of noble rank on the father's side, but ignoble on[68] the mother's, inherit the rank of their father, and not permitted even to recognize their mother as in any way their equal. if she is plebeian, the children are not regarded as tainted by it.
in the case of divorce, even if the law allowed the mother to keep her children, it would be almost an impossibility for her to do so. she has no means of earning her bread and theirs, for few occupations are open to women, and she is forced to become a dependent on her father, or some male relative. whatever they may be willing to do for her, it is quite likely that they would begrudge aid to the children of another family, with whom custom hardly recognizes any tie. the children are the children of the man whose name they bear. if the woman is a favorite daughter, it may happen that her father will take her and her children under his roof, and support them all; but this is a rare exception, and only possible when the husband first gives up all claim to the children.
there comes to my mind now a case illustrating this point, which i think i may cite without betraying confidence. it is that of a most attractive young woman[69] who was married to a worthless husband, but lived faithfully with him for several years, and became the mother of three children. the husband, who seemed at first merely good-for-nothing, became worse as the years went by, drank himself out of situation after situation procured for him by powerful relatives, and at last became so violent that he even beat his wife and threatened his children, a proceeding most unusual on the part of a japanese husband and father. the poor wife was at last obliged to flee from her husband's house to her mother's, taking her children with her. she sued for a divorce and obtained it, and is now married again; her youth, good looks, and high connections procuring her a very good catch for her second venture in matrimony; but her children are lost to her, and belong wholly to their worthless, drunken father.
of the lack of permanence in the marriage relation among the lower classes, the domestic changes of one of my servants in tokyo afford an amusing illustration. the man, whom i had hired in the double capacity of jinrikisha man and betto or[70] groom, was a strong, faithful, pleasant-faced fellow, recently come to tokyo from the country. i inquired, when i engaged him, whether he had a wife, as i wanted some one who could remain in his room in the stable in care of the horse when he was pulling me about in the jinrikisha. he replied that he had a wife, but she was now at utsunomiya, the country town from which he had come, but he would send for her at once, and she would be in tokyo in the course of a week or two. two or three weeks passed and no wife appeared, so i inquired of my cook and head servant what had become of yasaku's wife. he replied, with a twinkle in his eye, that she had found work in utsunomiya and did not wish to come. a week more passed, and still no wife, and further inquiries elicited from the cook the information that yasaku had divorced her for disobedience, and was on the lookout for a new and more docile helpmate. his first thought was of the maidservant of the japanese family who lived in the same house with me, a broad-faced, red-cheeked country girl, of a very low grade of intelligence. he gave this up, however, because he thought it would[71] not be polite to put my friends to inconvenience by taking away their servant. his next effort was by negotiation through a tokyo friend; but apparently yasaku's country manners were not to the taste of the tokyo damsels, for he met with no success, and was at last driven to write to his father in utsunomiya asking him to select him a wife and bring her down to tokyo.
the selection took a week or two, and at last my maid told me that yasaku's wife was coming by the next morning's train. a look into the betto's quarters in the stable showed great preparations for the bride. the mats, new-covered with nice straw matting, were white and clean; the shoji were mended with new paper; the walls covered with bright-colored pictures; and various new domestic conveniences had nearly bankrupted yasaku, in spite of his large salary of ten dollars a month. he had ordered a fine feast at a neighboring tea house, had had cards printed with his own name in english and japanese, and had altogether been to such great expense that he had had to put his winter clothes in pawn to secure the necessary money.
[72]
the day chosen for the marriage was rainy, and, though yasaku spent all his time in going to trains, no bridal party appeared; and he came home at night disconsolate, to smoke his good-night pipe over his solitary hibachi. he was, no doubt, angry as well as disconsolate, for he sat down and penned a severe letter to his father, in which he said that, if the bride did not appear on the next day counted lucky for a wedding (no japanese would be married on an unlucky day), they could send her back to her father's house, for he would none of her. this letter did its work, for on the next lucky day, about ten days later, the bride appeared, and yasaku was given two days of holiday on the agreement that he should not be married again while he remained in my service. on the evening of the second day, the bride came in to pay me her respects, and, crouching on her hands and knees before me, literally trembled under the excitement of her first introduction to a foreigner. she was a girl of rather unattractive exterior, fat and heavy, and rather older than yasaku had bargained for, i imagine; at any rate, from the first, he seemed dissatisfied with[73] his "pig in a poke," and after a couple of months sent her home to her parents, and was all ready to start out again in the hope of better luck next time.
here is another instance, from the woman's side. upon one occasion, when i was visiting a japanese lady of high rank who kept a retinue of servants, the woman who came in with the tea bowed and smiled upon me as if greeting me after a long absence. as i was in and out of the house nearly every day, i was a little surprised at this demonstration, which was quite different from the formal bow that is given by the servant to her mistress's guest upon ordinary occasions. when she went out my friend said, "you see o kiku has come back." as i did not know that the woman had been away, the news of her return did not affect me greatly until i learned the history of her departure. it seemed that about a month before, she had left her mistress's house to be married; and the day before my visit she had quietly presented herself, and announced that she had come back, if they would take her in. my friend had asked her what had happened,—whether she had found her husband [74]unkind. no, her husband was very nice, very kind and good, but his mother was simply unbearable; she made her work so hard that she actually had no time to rest at all. she had known before her marriage that her proposed mother-in-law was a hard task-mistress, but her husband had promised that his mother should live with his older brother, and they should have their housekeeping quite independent and separate. as the mother was then living with her older son, it seemed unlikely that she would care to move, and o kiku san had married on that supposition. but it seemed that the wife of the older brother was both lazy and bad-tempered, and the new wife of the younger brother soon proved herself industrious and good-natured. as the mother's main thought was to go where she would get the most comfort and waiting upon, she moved from the elder son's house to that of her younger son, and began leading her new daughter-in-law such a life that she soon gave up the effort to live with her husband, sued for a divorce, obtained it, and was back in her old place, all in a month's time from the date of her marriage.
[75]
but our readers must not suppose, from the various incidents given, that few happy marriages take place in japan, or that, in every rank of life, divorce is of every-day occurrence. on the contrary, there seems cause for wonder, not that there are so many divorces, but that there are so many happy marriages, with wives and husbands devoted and faithful. for a nobleman in the olden times to divorce his wife would have caused such a scandal and talk that it rarely occurred. if the wife were disliked, he need have little or nothing to do with her, their rooms, their meals, and their attendance being entirely separate, but he rarely took away from her the name of wife, empty as it might be. she usually would be from some other noble house, and great trouble would arise between the families if he attempted to divorce her. the samurai also, with the same loyalty which they displayed for their lords, were loyal to their wives, and many a novel has been written, or play acted, showing the devotion of husband and wife. the quiet, undemonstrative love, though very different from the ravings of a lover in the nineteenth century novel, is perhaps truer to life.
[76]
among the merchants and lower classes there has been, and is, a much lower standard of morality, but the few years which have passed since the revolution of 1868 are not a fair sample of what japan has been. noblemen, samurai, and merchants have had much to undergo in the great changes, and, as is the case in all such transition periods, old customs and restraints, and old standards of morality, have been broken down and have not been replaced. there is no doubt that men have run to excesses of all sorts, and divorces have been much more frequent of late years.[*]
our little japanese maiden knows, when she blackens her teeth, dons her wedding dress, and starts on her bridal journey to her husband's house, that upon her good behavior alone depend her chances of a happy life. she is to be henceforth the property of a man of whom she probably knows little, and who has the power, at any whim, to send her back to her father's house in disgrace, deprived of her children, with nothing to live for or hope for, except that some man will overlook the disgrace of her divorce, and by marrying her[77] give her the only opportunity that a japanese woman can have of a home other than that of a servant or dependent. that these evils will be remedied in time, there seems little reason to doubt, but just now the various cooks who are engaged in brewing the broth of the new civilization are disagreed in regard to the condiments required for its proper flavoring. the conservatives wish to flavor strongly with the subjection and dependence of women, believing that only by that means can feminine virtue be preserved. the younger men, of foreign education, would drop into the boiling pot the flavor of culture and broader outlook; for by this means they hope to secure happier homes for all, and better mothers for their children. the missionaries and native christians believe that, when the whole mixture is well impregnated with practical christianity, the desired result will be achieved. all are agreed on this point, that a strong public opinion is necessary before improved legislation can produce much effect; and so, for the present, legislation remains in the background, until the time shall come when it can be used in the right way.
[78]
let us examine the two remedies suggested by the reformers, and see what effect has been produced by each so far, and what may be expected of them in the future. taking education first, what are the effects produced so far by educating women to a point above the old japanese standard? in many happy homes to-day, we find husbands educated abroad, and knowing something of the home life of foreign lands, who have sought out wives of broad intellectual culture, and who make them friends and confidants, not simply housekeepers and head-servants. in such homes the wife has freedom, not such as is enjoyed by american women, perhaps, but equal to that of most european women. in such homes love and equality rule, and the power of the mother-in-law grows weak. to her is paid due respect, but she seldom has the despotic control which often makes the beginning of married life hard to the japanese wife. these homes are sending out healthy influences that are daily having their effect, and raising the position of women in japan.
but for the young girl whose mind has been broadened by the new education, and[79] who marries, as the majority of japanese girls must, not in accordance with her own wishes, but in obedience to the will of her parents, a hard life is in store. a woman's education, under the old régime, was one that fitted her well for the position that she was to occupy. the higher courses of study only serve to make her kick against the pricks, and render herself miserable where she might before have been happy. with mind and character developed by education, she may be obliged to enter the home of her husband's family, to be perhaps one among many members under the same roof. in the training of her own children, in the care of her own health and theirs, her wishes and judgment must often yield to the prejudices of those above her, under whose authority she is, and it may not be until many years have passed that she will be in a position to influence in any measure the lives of those nearest and dearest to her. then, too, her life must be passed entirely within the home, with no opportunities to meet or to mingle with the great world of which she has read and studied. surely her lot is harder than that of the woman of the olden time, whose[80] plain duty always lay in the path of implicit obedience to her superiors, and who never for one moment considered obedience to the dictates of her own reason and conscience as an obligation higher than deference to the wishes of husband and parents. education, without further amelioration of their lot as wives and mothers, can but result in making the women discontented and unhappy,—in many cases injuring their health by worry over the constant petty disappointments and baffled desires of their lives.
this to superficial observers would seem a step backward rather than forward, and it is to this cause that the present reaction against female education may be traced. the first generation or two of educated women must endure much for the sake of those who come after, and by many this vicarious suffering is misunderstood, and distaste on the part of educated girls for marriage, as it now exists in japan, is regarded as one of the sure signs that education is a failure. without some change in the position of wife and mother, this feeling will grow into absolute repugnance, if women continue to be educated after the western fashion.
[81]
the second remedy that is suggested is christianity, a remedy which is even now at work. wherever one finds in japan a christian home, there one finds the wife and mother occupying the position that she occupies all over christendom. the christian man, in choosing his wife, feels that it is not an ordinary contract, which may be dissolved at any time at the will of the contracting parties, but that it is a union for life. consequently, in making his choice he is more careful, takes more time, and thinks more of the personal qualities of the woman he is about to marry. thus the chances are better at the beginning for the establishment of a happy home, and such homes form centres of influence throughout the length and breadth of the land to-day. christianity in the future will do much to mould public sentiment in the right way, and can be trusted as a force that is sure to grow in time to be a mighty power in the councils of the nation.
one more remedy might be suggested, as a preliminary to proper legislation, or a necessary accompaniment of it, and that is, the opening of new avenues of employment [82]for women, and especially for women of the cultivated classes. to-day marriage, no matter how distasteful, is the only opening for a woman; for she can do nothing for her own support, and cannot require her father to support her after she has reached a marriageable age. as new ways of self-support present themselves, and a woman may look forward to making a single life tolerable by her own labor, the intelligent girls of the middle class will no longer accept marriage as inevitable, but will only marry when the suitor can offer a good home, kindness, affection, and security in the tenure of these blessings. so far, there is little employment for women, except as teachers; but even this change in the condition of things is forming a class, as yet small, but increasing yearly, of women who enjoy a life of independence, though accompanied by much hard work, more than the present life of a japanese married woman. in this class we find some of the most intelligent and respected of the women of new japan; and the growth of this class is one of the surest signs that the present state of the laws and customs concerning marriage and[83] divorce is so unsatisfactory to the women that it must eventually be remedied, if the educated and intelligent of the men care to take for their wives, and for the mothers of their children, any but the less educated and less intelligent of the women of their own nation.
footnotes:
[11] the japanese standard of female beauty differs in many respects from our own, so that it is almost impossible for a foreigner visiting japan to comprehend the judgments of the japanese in regard to the beauty of their own women, and even more impossible for the untraveled japanese to discover the reasons for a foreigner's judgments upon either japanese or foreign beauties. to the japanese, the ideal female face must be long and narrow; the forehead high and narrow in the middle, but widening and lowering at the sides, conforming to the outline of the beloved fuji, the mountain that japanese art loves to picture. the hair should be straight and glossy black, and absolutely smooth. japanese ladies who have the misfortune to have any wave or ripple in their hair, as many of them do, are at as much pains to straighten it in the dressing as american ladies are to simulate a natural curl, when nature has denied them that charm. the eyes should be long and narrow, slanting upward at the outer corners; and the eyebrows should be delicate lines, high above the eye itself. the distinctly aquiline nose should be low at the bridge, the curve outward beginning much lower down than upon the caucasian face; and the eye-socket should not be outlined at all, either by the brow, the cheek, or by the nose. it is this flatness of the face about the eyes that gives the mildness of expression to all young people of mongolian type that is so noticeable a trait always in their physiognomy. the mouth of an aristocratic japanese lady must be small, and the lips full and red; the neck, a conspicuous feature always when the japanese dress is worn, should be long and slender, and gracefully curved. the complexion should be light,—a clear ivory-white, with little color in the cheeks. the blooming country girl style of beauty is not admired, and everything, even to color in the cheeks, must be sacrificed to gain the delicacy that is the sine qua non of the japanese beauty. the figure should be slender, the waist long, but not especially small, and the hips narrow, to secure the best effect with the japanese dress. the head and shoulders should be carried slightly forward, and the body should also be bent forward slightly at the waist, to secure the most womanly and aristocratic carriage. in walking, the step should be short and quick, with the toes turned in, and the foot lifted so slightly that either clog or sandal will scuff with every step. this is necessary for modesty, with the narrow skirt of the japanese dress.
contrast with this type the fair, curling hair, the round blue eyes, the rosy cheeks, the erect, slim-waisted, large-hipped figures of many foreign beauties,—the rapid, long, clean-stepping walk, and the air of almost masculine strength and independence, which belongs especially to english and american women,—and one can see how the japanese find little that they recognize as beauty among them. blue eyes, set into deep sockets, and with the bridge of the nose rising as a barrier between them, impart a fierce grotesqueness to the face, that the untraveled japanese seldom admire. the very babies will scream with horror at first sight of a blue-eyed, light-haired foreigner, and it is only after considerable familiarity with such persons that they can be induced to show anything but the wildest fright in their presence. foreigners who have lived a great deal among the japanese find their standards unconsciously changing, and see, to their own surprise, that their countrywomen look ungainly, fierce, aggressive, and awkward among the small, mild, shrinking, and graceful japanese ladies.
[12] the present from the groom is usually a piece of handsome silk, used for the obi or girdle. this takes the place of the conventional engagement ring of europe and america.[*] from the family of the bride, silk, such as is made up into men's dresses, is sent.
[13] many women still blacken their teeth after marriage, after the manner universal in the past; but this custom is, fortunately, rapidly going out of fashion.
[14] "as early as 1870 an edict was published by which official notice and approbation were made necessary preliminaries to every matrimonial contract. in the following year the class-limitations upon freedom of marriage were abolished, and two years later the right of suing for a divorce was conceded to the wife."—rein's japan, p. 425.
