(extracts from the diary of sir eustace pedler, m.p.)
it is an extraordinary thing that i never seem to get any peace. i am a man who likes a quiet life. i like my club, my rubber of bridge, a well-cooked meal, a sound wine. i like england in the summer, and the riviera in the winter. i have no desire to participate in sensational happenings. sometimes, in front of a good fire, i do not object to reading about them in the newspaper. but that is as far as i am willing to go. my object in life is to be thoroughly comfortable. i have devoted a certain amount of thought, and a considerable amount of money, to further that end. but i cannot say that i always succeed. if things do not actually happen to me, they happen round me, and frequently, in spite of myself, i become involved. i hate being involved.
all this because guy pagett came into my bedroom this morning with a telegram in his hand and a face as long as a mute at a funeral.
guy pagett is my secretary, a zealous, painstaking, hard-working fellow, admirable in every respect. i know no one who annoys me more. for a long time i have been racking my brains as to how to get rid of him. but you cannot very well dismiss a secretary because he prefers work to play, likes getting up early in the morning, and has positively no vices. the only amusing thing about the fellow is his face. he has the face of a fourteenth-century poisoner—the sort of man the borgias got to do their odd jobs for them.
i wouldn’t mind so much if pagett didn’t make me work too. my idea of work is something that should be undertaken lightly and airily—trifled with, in fact! i doubt if guy pagett has ever trifled with anything in his life. he takes everything seriously. that is what makes him so difficult to live with.
last week i had the brilliant idea of sending him off to florence. he talked about florence and how much he wanted to go there.
“my dear fellow,” i cried, “you shall go to-morrow. i will pay all your expenses.”
january isn’t the usual time for going to florence, but it would be all one to pagett. i could imagine him going about, guide-book in hand, religiously doing all the picture galleries. and a week’s freedom was cheap to me at the price.
it has been a delightful week. i have done everything i wanted to, and nothing that i did not want to do. but when i blinked my eyes open, and perceived pagett standing between me and the light at the unearthly hour of 9 a.m. this morning, i realized that freedom was over.
“my dear fellow,” i said, “has the funeral already taken place, or is it for later in the morning?”
pagett does not appreciate dry humour. he merely stared.
“so you know, sir eustace?”
“know what?” i said crossly. “from the expression of your face i inferred that one of your near and dear relatives was to be interred this morning.”
pagett ignored the sally as far as possible.
“i thought you couldn’t know about this.” he tapped the telegram. “i know you dislike being aroused early—but it is nine o’clock”—pagett insists on regarding 9 a.m. as practically the middle of the day—“and i thought that under the circumstances——” he tapped the telegram again.
“what is that thing?” i asked.
“it’s a telegram from the police at marlow. a woman has been murdered in your house.”
that aroused me in earnest.
“what colossal cheek,” i exclaimed. “why in my house? who murdered her?”
“they don’t say. i suppose we shall go back to england at once, sir eustace?”
“you need suppose nothing of the kind. why should we go back?”
“the police——”
“what on earth have i to do with the police?”
“well, it was your house.”
“that,” i said, “appears to be more my misfortune than my fault.”
guy pagett shook his head gloomily.
“it will have a very unfortunate effect upon the constituency,” he remarked lugubriously.
i don’t see why it should have—and yet i have a feeling that in such matters pagett’s instincts are always right. on the face of it, a member of parliament will be none the less efficient because a stray young woman comes and gets herself murdered in an empty house that belongs to him—but there is no accounting for the view the respectable british public takes of a matter.
“she’s a foreigner too, and that makes it worse,” continued pagett gloomily.
again i believe he is right. if it is disreputable to have a woman murdered in your house, it becomes more disreputable if the woman is a foreigner. another idea struck me.
“good heavens,” i exclaimed, “i hope this won’t upset caroline.”
caroline is the lady who cooks for me. incidentally she is the wife of my gardener. what kind of a wife she makes i do not know, but she is an excellent cook. james, on the other hand, is not a good gardener—but i support him in idleness and give him the lodge to live in solely on account of caroline’s cooking.
“i don’t suppose she’ll stay after this,” said pagett.
“you always were a cheerful fellow,” i said.
i expect i shall have to go back to england. pagett clearly intends that i shall. and there is caroline to pacify.
three days later.
it is incredible to me that any one who can get away from england in winter does not do so! it is an abominable climate. all this trouble is very annoying. the house-agents say it will be next to impossible to let the mill house after all the publicity. caroline has been pacified—with double pay. we could have sent her a cable to that effect from cannes. in fact, as i have said all along, there was no earthly purpose to serve by our coming over. i shall go back to-morrow.
one day later.
several very surprising things have occurred. to begin with, i met augustus milray, the most perfect example of an old ass the present government has produced. his manner oozed diplomatic secrecy as he drew me aside in the club into a quiet corner. he talked a good deal. about south africa and the industrial situation there. about the growing rumours of a strike on the rand. of the secret causes actuating that strike. i listened as patiently as i could. finally, he dropped his voice to a whisper and explained that certain documents had come to light which ought to be placed in the hands of general smuts.
“i’ve no doubt you’re quite right,” i said, stifling a yawn.
“but how are we to get them to him? our position in the matter is delicate—very delicate.”
“what’s wrong with the post?” i said cheerfully. “put a two-penny stamp on and drop ’em in the nearest letter-box.”
he seemed quite shocked at the suggestion.
“my dear pedler! the common post!”
it has always been a mystery to me why governments employ kings’ messengers and draw such attention to their confidential documents.
“if you don’t like the post, send one of your young foreign office fellows. he’ll enjoy the trip.”
“impossible,” said milray, wagging his head in a senile fashion. “there are reasons, my dear pedler—i assure you there are reasons.”
“well,” i said, rising, “all this is very interesting, but i must be off——”
“one minute, my dear pedler, one minute, i beg of you. now tell me, in confidence, is it not true that you intend visiting south africa shortly yourself? you have large interests in rhodesia, i know, and the question of rhodesia joining in the union is one in which you have a vital interest.”
“well, i had thought of going out in about a month’s time.”
“you couldn’t possibly make it sooner? this month? this week, in fact?”
“i could,” i said, eyeing him with some interest. “but i don’t know that i particularly want to.”
“you would be doing the government a great service—a very great service. you would not find them—er—ungrateful.”
“meaning, you want me to be the postman?”
“exactly. your position is an unofficial one, your journey is bona fide. everything would be eminently satisfactory.”
“well,” i said slowly, “i don’t mind if i do. the one thing i am anxious to do is to get out of england again as soon as possible.”
“you will find the climate of south africa delightful—quite delightful.”
“my dear fellow, i know all about the climate. i was out there shortly before the war.”
“i am really much obliged to you, pedler. i will send you round the package by messenger. to be placed in general smuts’s own hands, you understand? the kilmorden castle sails on saturday—quite a good boat.”
i accompanied him a short way along pall mall before we parted. he shook me warmly by the hand, and thanked me again effusively.
i walked home reflecting on the curious by-ways of governmental policy.
it was the following evening that jarvis, my butler, informed me that a gentleman wished to see me on private business, but declined to give his name. i have always a lively apprehension of insurance touts, so told jarvis to say i could not see him. guy pagett, unfortunately, when he might for once have been of real use, was laid up with a bilious attack. these earnest, hard-working young men with weak stomachs are always liable to bilious attacks.
jarvis returned.
“the gentleman asked me to tell you, sir eustace, that he comes to you from mr. milray.”
that altered the complexion of things. a few minutes later i was confronting my visitor in the library. he was a well-built young fellow with a deeply tanned face. a scar ran diagonally from the corner of his eye to the jaw, disfiguring what would otherwise have been a handsome though somewhat reckless countenance.
“well,” i said, “what’s the matter?”
“mr. milray sent me to you, sir eustace. i am to accompany you to south africa as your secretary.”
“my dear fellow,” i said, “i’ve got a secretary already. i don’t want another.”
“i think you do, sir eustace. where is your secretary now?”
“he’s down with a bilious attack,” i explained.
“you are sure it’s only a bilious attack?”
“of course it is. he’s subject to them.”
my visitor smiled.
“it may or may not be a bilious attack. time will show. but i can tell you this, sir eustace, mr. milray would not be surprised if an attempt were made to get your secretary out of the way. oh, you need have no fear for yourself”—i suppose a momentary alarm had flickered across my face—“you are not threatened. your secretary out of the way, access to you would be easier. in any case, mr. milray wishes me to accompany you. the passage-money will be our affair, of course, but you will take the necessary steps about the passport, as though you had decided that you needed the services of a second secretary.”
he seemed a determined young man. we stared at each other and he stared me down.
“very well,” i said feebly.
“you will say nothing to any one as to my accompanying you.”
“very well,” i said again.
after all, perhaps it was better to have this fellow with me, but i had a premonition that i was getting into deep waters. just when i thought i had attained peace!
i stopped my visitor as he was turning to depart.
“it might be just as well if i knew my new secretary’s name,” i observed sarcastically.
he considered for a minute.
“harry rayburn seems quite a suitable name,” he observed.
it was a curious way of putting it.
“very well,” i said for the third time.
