to all those who doubt the power of chance in human affairs; to all stoics, empiricists, monists, determinists, and all men whatsoever that terminate in this fashion, greeting: read what follows:
there was a man i used to know whose business it was to succeed in life, and who had made a profession of this from the age of nineteen. his father had left him a fortune of about ￡600 a year, which he still possesses, but, with that exception, he has been made by the gods a sort of puffball for their amusement, the sort of thing they throw about the room. it was before his father’s death that a determination was taken to make him the land agent at the house of a cousin, who would give him a good salary, and it was arranged, as is the custom in that trade, that he should do nothing in return but dine, smoke, and ride about. the next step was easy. he would be put into parliament, and then, by quiet, effective speaking and continual voting, he would become a statesman, and so grow more and more famous, and succeed more and more, and marry into the fringes of one of the great families, and then die.
[245]to this happy prospect was his future turned when he set out, not upon the old mare but upon the new arab which his father had foolishly bought as an experiment, to visit his cousin’s home and to make the last arrangements. and note in what follows that every step in the success-business came off, and yet somehow the sum total was disappointing, and at the present moment one can very definitely say that he has not succeeded.
he set out, i say, upon the new arab, going gently along the sunken road that leads to the downs, when a man carrying a faggot at the end of a pitchfork seemed to that stupid beast a preternatural apparition, and it shied forward and sideways like a knight’s move, so that the unfortunate man fell off heavily and hurt himself dreadfully. when the arab had done this it stood with its beautiful tail arched out, and its beautiful neck arched also, looking most pitifully at its fallen rider, and with a sadness in its eye like that of the horse in the heliodorus. the unfortunate man got on again, feeling but a slight pain in the right shoulder. but what i would particularly have you know is this: that the pain has never wholly disappeared, and is perhaps a little worse now after twenty years than it has been at any previous time. moreover, he has spent quite ￡350 in trying to have it cured, and he has gone to foreign watering-places, and has learnt all manner of names, how that according to one man it is rheumatism, and[246] according to another it is suppressed gout, and according to another a lesion. but the point to him is the pain, and this endures.
well, then, he rode over the down and came out through the combe to his cousin’s house. the gate out of the field into the park was shut, and as he leaned over to open it he dropped his crop. i am ashamed to say that—it was the only act of the kind in his career, but men who desire to succeed ought not to act in this fashion—he did not get down to pick it up because he was afraid that if he did he might not be able to get on to the horse again. with infinite trouble, leaning right down over the horse’s neck, he managed to open the gate with his hands, but in doing so he burst his collar, and he had to keep it more or less in place by putting down his chin in a ridiculous and affected attitude. his hopes of making a fine entry at a pretty ambling trot, that perhaps his cousin would be watching from the window, were already sufficiently spoilt by the necessity he was under of keeping his collar thus, when the accursed animal bolted, and with the speed of lightning passed directly in front of a little lawn where his cousin, his cousin’s wife, and their little child were seated admiring the summer’s day. it was not until the horse had taken him nearly half a mile away that he got him right again, and so returned hot, dishevelled, and very miserable.
but they received him kindly, and his cousin’s[247] wife, who was a most motherly woman, put him as best she could at his ease. she even got him another collar, knowing how terrible is the state of the soul when the collar is burst in company. and he sat down with them to make friends and discuss the future. he had always heard that among the chief avenues to success is to play with and be kind to the children of the great, so he smiled in a winning manner at his cousin’s little boy, and stretching out his arms took the child playfully by the hand. a piercing scream and a sharp kick upon the shin simultaneously informed him that he had fallen into yet another misfortune, and the boy’s mother, though she was kindness itself, was startled into speaking to him very sharply, and telling him that the poor lad suffered from a deeply cut finger which was then but slowly healing. he made his apologies in a nervous but sincere manner, and in doing so was awkward enough to upset the little table which they had carried out upon the lawn, and upon which had been set the cups and saucers for tea. the whole thing was exceedingly annoying.
in this way did the unfortunate man enter the great arena of modern political life.
you must not imagine that he failed to obtain the sinecure which his father had sent him to secure. as i have already said, the failure of the unfortunate man was not a failure in major plans but in details. there may have been some to whom his career appeared enviable or even glorious,[248] but fate always watched him in a merry mood, and he was destined to suffer an interior misery which never failed to be sharpened and enlivened by the innumerable accidents of life.
he obtained for his cousin from the north of scotland a man of sterling capacity, whose methods of agriculture had more than doubled the income of a previous employer; but as luck would have it this fellow, whose knowledge of farming was quite amazing, was not honest, and after some few months he had absconded with a considerable sum of money. a well which he had advised to be dug failed to find water for some two hundred feet, and then after all that expense fell in. he lamed one of his cousin’s best horses by no fault of his own; the animal trod upon a hidden spike of wood and had to be shot; and in doing his duty by upbraiding a very frousty old man who was plunging about recklessly just where a lot of she (or hen) pheasants were sitting on their eggs he mortally offended the chief landowner of the neighbourhood, who was none other than the frousty old man himself, and who was tramping across the brushwood to see his cousin upon most important matters. it was therefore in a condition of despair that his cousin finally financed him for parliament. the constituency which he bought after some negotiations was a corrupt seaport upon the coast of rutlandshire (here is no libel!). he was at first assured that there would be no opposition, and acting upon this assurance took the one[249] brief holiday which he had allowed himself for five years. the doctor, who was anxious about his nerves, recommended a sea voyage of a week upon a ship without wireless apparatus. he landed in jamaica to receive a telegram which informed him that a local gentleman of vast influence, eccentric, and the chief landowner in the constituency, had determined to run against him, and which implored him to cable a considerable sum of money, though no such sum was at his disposal.
in the earthquake the next day he luckily escaped from bodily injury, but his nerves were terribly shaken. thenceforward he suffered from little tricks of grimace which were to him infinitely painful, but to others always a source of secret, sometimes of open, merriment. he returned and fought the election. he was elected by a majority of 231, but not until he had been twice blackmailed, and had upon at least three occasions given money to men who afterwards turned out to have no vote. i may say, to put the matter briefly, that he retained the seat uninterruptedly until the last election, but always by tiny majorities at the expense of infinite energy, sweating blood, as it were, with anxiety at every poll, and this although he was opposed by the most various people. it was fate!
he spoke frequently in the house of commons, and always unsuccessfully, until one day a quite unexpected accident of war in a foreign country gave him his opportunity. it so happened that the[250] unfortunate man knew all about this country; he had read every book published upon it; it was the one thing upon which he was an authority. and ridiculous as had been his numerous efforts to engage the attention of the august assembly, upon this matter at least his judgment was eagerly expected. the greatest courtesy was shown him, the government arranged that he should speak at the most telling time of the debate, and when he rose it was before a full house, strained to an eager attention.
he struck an attitude at once impressive and refined, stretched forth his hand in a manner that gave promise of much to come, and was suddenly seized with an immoderate fit of coughing. an aged gentleman, a wool merchant by profession, who sat immediately behind him, thought to do a kindly thing by slapping him upon the back, being ignorant of that shoulder trouble with which the jolly reader is acquainted. and the unfortunate man, in the midst of his paroxysm of coughing, could not restrain a loud cry of anguish. confused interruptions, rising to a roar of protest, prevented him from going further, and he was so imprudent, or rather so wretchedly unlucky, as to be stung into a violent expression of opinion directed towards another member sitting upon his immediate left, a moneylender by trade and very sensitive. this fellow alone had heard the highly objectionable word which the unfortunate man had let drop. it is a word very commonly used by gentlemen in[251] privacy, but rare, indeed, or rather wholly unused on the public occasions of our dignified political life. in vain did those about the moneylender pull at his skirts and implore him not to rise. he was white with passion. he rose and appealed to the chair. he reiterated the offensive expression in the clearest and most articulate fashion, apologising to the horrified assembly for having to sully the air it breathed by the necessary repetition of so abominable an epithet, and he demanded the correction of the monster in human form who had descended to use it. the reprimand which the unfortunate man received from the chair was lengthy and severe, and from that day forward he determined that the many omens of ill-fortune which had marked his life had reached their turn. he was too proud to resign, but his caucus, in spite of further considerable gifts of money, indignantly repudiated their member, and when the election came he had not the courage to face it.
he is now living, broken and prematurely aged, in a brick house which he has built for himself in a charming part of the county of surrey. he has recently discovered that the title to his freehold is insecure: an action is pending. meanwhile, a spring of water has broken out under the foundations of the building, and some quarter of a mile before its windows, obscuring the view of the weald in which he particularly delighted, a very large factory with four tall chimneys is in process[252] of erection. these things have depressed him almost to the verge of despair, and he can only forget his miseries in motoring. he is continually fined for excessive speed, though by nature the most cautious of men, and terrified by high speeds, and i learn only to-day that as he was getting ready to go into guildford to dispute a further fine before the bench a backfire has put his wrist out of joint, and he suffers intolerable pain. militia est vita hominis!
