lecture audiences often ask me whether plural love is possible. this would indicate on the part of the questioner a more or less unconscious wish to justify polygamous cravings. plural marriages exist but i doubt whether any such thing as plural love has even been observed at any period of mankind's history.
for the most complicated examples of plural marriage, as for all the varieties of sexual complications, we must turn to greece of the classical period. demosthenes wrote somewhere: "we have prostitutes to give us pleasure, concubines to minister to our daily needs and wives to bear us children and to watch over our homes."
when we remember that besides the three types of women with whom they had sexual relations, many and among them some of the greatest men of those times, indulged in homosexual unions with young men of feminine appearance, we must draw[pg 84] two conclusions: first, that those men must have been sexual supermen, as they were at times mental supermen, second, that love as we understand it at the present day, can only have had very little to do with their sexual life.
modern love as we shall see in chapter xxxi means mutual love, the equal gratification of the mates thru the rites of sex communion.
plural love, be it of the ancient greek type, of the oriental or mormon type, means varietism for the male, scanty gratification for the female. at best a mild form of sexual slavery, most humiliating to the woman and possible only under a social system debarring woman from financial independence.
only a man suffering from priapism could gratify the eroticism of a large number of wives and the latest or youngest wife would naturally receive a larger share of physical attention than the earlier and older mates. the jealousy and hatred thus engendered are in no way minimised by the fact that the custom of certain lands countenances such arrangements.
polyandry as it existed in ancient times and still exsists in tibet, where a woman marries several men (generally brothers) may be more satisfactory for the primitive female. owing to her physiological[pg 85] make up, and also to her passive r?le in love, woman can gratify several men and receive gratification from them. the neurotic disturbances which may arise as a result of a woman's lack of sexual gratification are avoided by the polyandric scheme of union. but this is the only superiority which polyandry has over polygamy.
both polygamous and polyandric nations and civilisations have gradually receded as far as numerical importance and world prestige go and both institutions are bound to disappear.
the development of the human ego, both in men and women, will not permit much longer of the enslavement of one sex to gratify the pleasures of the other. nor can any group, male or female, enforce its domination over individuals of the opposite sex and make them accept the dogma of an inferior sex by embodying that dogma in any religious creed of the mormon or mohammedan type.
infidelity. plural love is passing but infidelity has taken its place in every possible respect as a sexual and an egotistical form of gratification.
when dealing with infidelity we must establish a careful distinction between forms of infidelity due to "normal" causes and other forms due to un[pg 86]conscious complexes. on the other hand we should beware of admitting, as many unscientific writers do, that there is a distinct difference of attitude to infidelity in the two sexes.
that shortsighted viewpoint has been unfortunately voiced in hundreds of popular sayings which represent man as the great examplary of infidelity and woman as faithfulness incarnate.
economic conditions, not sexual differences, are at the bottom of the levity with which men treat their heart affairs and of the gravity with which women, officially at least, consider the marriage relationship.
financial dependence and the fear of motherhood compel the domesticated, parasitic type of woman to secure the services of a breadwinner, and after achieving that object, to avoid hurting his susceptibilities.
independent and professional women, especially the sterile or sterilised ones, are frankly "masculine" in their love habits.
but i insist on considering certain forms of infidelity as normal and others as abnormal, independently from the question as to whether they are socially desirable or undesirable.
the human type which is so perfectly normal that[pg 87] it has no fixation and no definite fetishes, except species fetishes, and which weaklings and puritans designate as "animal," is not likely to be faithful to any mate. like every strong and healthy animal at rutting time, he or she is sexually aroused by every individual of the opposite sex. no safety complex restrains him as far as sexuality is concerned. the only fears which restrain his search for gratification are fear of exposure and ostracism within his herd, fear of pregnancy or infection and fear of final complications, not to mention of course the fear of inflicting suffering upon a lifemate of whom he may be extremely fond.
for we must never forget the fact, unpleasant as it may appear to unscientific hypocrites, that lasting love is a matter of fixation and fetishism, hence, always slightly tainted with neurosis.
when love dies. "normal" infidelity may also be merely the only hope of sexual gratification for the normal man or woman whose mate has ceased to present the fetishes needed to awaken his or her eroticism. healthy individuals are neither willing nor capable to forego sexual gratification. now and then complications arise, a man being very fond, for sexual reasons, of a woman who would prove undesirable as his mate and, for sentimental reasons,[pg 88] of a woman who is infinitely congenial but no longer arouses his desire. likewise, a woman may be deeply attached to both her lover and her husband. ivan bloch writes: "it is quite possible to love more than one person at the same time with nearly equal tenderness and be honestly able to assure each of the passion felt for him or her. the vast psychic differentiation involved by modern civilization increases the possibility of this double love for it is difficult to find one's complement in a single person and this applies to women as well as to men."
george hirth, in his "wege zur heimat" also points out that women, as well as men, can love two persons at the same time. men flatter themselves with the prejudice that the female heart, or rather brain, can only hold one man at a time and that if there is a second man, it is by a kind of prostitution. nearly all the erotic writers, poets and novelists, even physicians and psychologists, belong to this class. they look upon a woman as property and of course two men cannot "possess" one woman.
"regarding novelists, however," remarks havelock ellis, "the remark may be interpolated that there are many exceptions. thomas hardy, for instance, frequently represents a woman as more or less in love with two men at the same time."
[pg 89]
hirth maintains that a woman is not necessarily obliged to be untrue to one man because she has conceived a passion for another man. "today," hirth writes, "truly love and justice can count as honorable motives in marriage. the modern man accords to the beloved wife and life companion the same freedom he himself took before marriage, and perhaps still, takes in marriage. if she makes no use of it, as is to be hoped, so much the better. but let there be no lies, no deception, the indispensable foundation of modern marriage is boundless sincerity and friendship, the deepest trust, affectionate devotion and consideration. that is the best safeguard against adultery. let him, however, who is, nevertheless, overtaken by the outbreak of it, console himself with the undoubted fact that of two real lovers, the most noble minded and deep seeing friend will always have the preference."
even under an economic system countenancing free love and birth control, such complications would surely arise and cause much suffering.
bored wives. infidelity is often also a refuge from boredom for the middle class woman who has no definite training or ability in any direction and is thereby condemned to idleness. left alone all day and a few evenings every month by a busy[pg 90] husband, she yearns for companionship. unless she is slightly homosexual, she soon tires of stupid teas, bridge and gossip parties and she accepts the attentions of some man who brings into her life a little romance and a different aspect of the world's activities. the french cynic willy had that type in mind when he wrote: "adultery has become the key stone of society. by making married life tolerable it prevents the breaking up of the home."
besides normal sexual cravings, there are many unconscious or only partly conscious causes which drive human beings into being faithless to their life mates.
many women take lovers, many men take mistresses for purely egotistical reasons. justly or unjustly they feel a certain lack of appreciation in their mates and make up their minds to get even with them.
"getting even" is one of the great neurotic cravings, one which has led to numberless offences, including crime and suicide.
to some neurotics with a sense of inferiority, an extramatrimonial affair seems to be the sole means of restoring one's self confidence. "i am of no account at home but to some one else i mean the world."
[pg 91]
many neurotics use "romance" and "inspiration" as convenient scapegoats.
"but for the inspiration i derive from my affair with so and so, i could not do my work properly," and this is true in a good many cases, but in many more cases, any one else would do just as well as a lover or mistress. some neurotics, who remind one of madame bovary, the heroine of flaubert's great novel, feel that accomplishment and the fullness of life are naturally associated with sexual irregularities.
too inferior to accomplish anything by dint of hard work, emma bovary childishly expected love to accomplish everything for her. other neurotics, incapable of any creative work, consider romance as an achievement in itself and proceed to call every carnal dissipation romance. just as inferior boys at the gang age steal or destroy in an absurd attempt at "doing something out of the ordinary."
some neurotics never feel safe very long with any sexual mate; they grow afraid or suspicious and seek safety in the arms of some other human being in whom they unconsciously hope to find the father or mother image to which they were over-attached. their search for the safe mate, that is, for the parent image, is, of course, always unsuccessful.
[pg 92]
varietists. i have observed a number of men and women who liked to designate themselves as varietists and who were simply unconscious or partly conscious homosexuals struggling against perverse tendencies to which they did not wish to yield.
i have seen in my office several don juans who were unconsciously attracted to men and refused for a long while to admit that such a craving was a part of their personality. every woman they met only meant one thing to them: "if i could capture her, i would feel sure that i was a real man." a few days after catching their prey they were once more obsessed by doubts and had to seek new evidence.
many partly conscious homosexuals seek women who in their appearance, manner of dress and behavior are the best substitutes for men, that is, mannish girls, flat chested, with narrow hips, bobbed hair, wearing tailor-made garments, engaged in masculine pursuits, etc.
they often meet with disappointment for such women are frequently homosexual and hence unlikely to yield to a man. when the woman is sexually normal, however, the neurotic's happiness is far from assured. as soon as sentimentalism or tenderness allows the feminine component of those[pg 93] masculine women to break thru their masculinity, the unconscious homosexual loses his love for them. one patient of mine did his hunting among equestriennes in central park. on two occasions his attentions were accepted. his disappointment was terrible; calling upon the women who had attracted him when wearing a mannish derby and riding breeches, he was greeted by very womanly persons attired in the most feminine finery.
several times in his life my patient has been in love with rather masculine women. the first flash of femininity in them had always cured him entirely of his infatuation.
the ultrafeminine. other homosexuals struggling savagely against the appeal of the masculine, seek safety in the arms of extremely feminine creatures who could not in any way awaken the slightest suggestion of a perversion.
their obsessive fear, however, does not allow them to enjoy the affair very long. small physical details which a normal man would not notice suddenly fill them with fear or disgust. a masculine gesture, a raucous intonation, a slight growth of hair on the upper lip or the limbs may suggest unavoidably the sex from which they are fleeing in panic. their love cools off and safety has to be[pg 94] sought, altho it is never found, in the arms of some other woman of very feminine appearance, who is in turn discarded for the same absurd reasons.
as fixations and fetishism have infinitely more importance for men than for women (see chapter iii) the male neurotic is naturally more "promiscuous" and faithless than the female neurotic.
messalina. every psychoanalyst, however, has met the messalina type, who is constantly seeking the "love that will endure." like her masculine counterpart, the don juan, she is in the majority of cases seeking safety and trying, by conquering many men, to reestablish her self-confidence which every little disappointment and humiliation destroys so easily.
however loving and worshipful the neurotic's mate may be, he or she cannot hope to save the neurotic from further love entanglements. one of the most striking neurotic traits is a craving to disparage everything and everybody in his environment.
the praise of the most affectionate husband or lover, wife or mistress, is insufficient to raise the neurotic's self-esteem. with all neurotics, familiarity breeds contempt and it must be from the lips of a new man or new woman that they must hear their praise sung before their feeling of inferiority is deadened and allows them to enjoy that praise.
