joyce was sadly uncertain what to do or how to behave herself in her new home. she took possession of the room which was given to her as a sitting-room, with a confused sense that she was meant to remain there, which was half a relief and half a trouble to her. to live there all alone except when she was called to meals was dreadfully dreary, although it felt almost a pleasure for the first moment to be alone. she brought out her writing things, which were of a very humble description, and better suited to the back window in the cottage than to the pretty writing-table upon which she now arranged them,—a large old blotting-book, distended with the many exercises and school-papers it had been accustomed to hold, and a shabby rosewood desk, which she had got several years ago as the prize of one of her examinations. how shabby they looked, quite out of place, unfit to be brought into this beautiful house! joyce paused a moment to wonder whether she herself was as much out of place in her brown frock, which, though it was made like greta’s, and so simple and quiet that it could not be vulgar, was yet a dress very suitable for the schoolmistress. she brought down her few books, some of which were prizes too, and still more deplorable in their cheap gilding than the simply shabby ones. nobody could say that the bindings were not vulgar, although it was milton, and wordsworth, and coleridge, and the lay of the last minstrel that were within. she made a row of them in the pretty bookshelves, and they looked like common people intruding into a fine house, as she herself was doing. common people! milton and wordsworth! that showed how little was told by the outside; and joyce was not without a proud consciousness swelling in her breast that she, too, in her brown frock, and with her village schoolmistress’s traditions, was not common or unworthy.
her father had met her coming downstairs with her arms full
{149}
of the books, and had stopped to take them from her with a shocked look, and insisted on carrying them down for her. ‘but why didn’t you ring for somebody to do it, my dear?’ he said. ‘they are not heavy,’ said joyce; ‘they are no trouble,—and i always do things for myself.’ ‘but you must not here,’ colonel hayward said, putting them down on the table, and pausing a moment to brush off with his handkerchief the little stains of dust which they had left on his irreproachable coat. joyce felt that little movement with another keen sensation of inappropriateness. it was not right, because she was unaccustomed to being served by others, that colonel hayward, a distinguished soldier, should get specks of dust on his coat. a hot blush enveloped her like a flame, while she stood looking at him, not knowing whether to say anything, whether to try to express the distress and bewilderment that filled her being, or if it would be better to be silent and mutely avoid such an occurrence again.
he looked up at her when he had brushed away the last speck, and smiled. ‘books will gather dust,’ he said. ‘don’t look as if you were to blame, my dear. but you must remember, joyce, you are the young lady of the house, and everything in it is at your command.’ he patted her shoulder, with a very kind encouraging look, as he went away. it was a large assurance to give, and probably mrs. hayward would not have said quite so much; but it left joyce in a state of indescribable emotion, her heart deeply touched, but her mind distracted with the impossibilities of her new position. how was she to know what to do? to avoid giving trouble, to save herself, was not the rule she could abide by when it ended in specking with dust the colonel’s coat, and bringing him out of his own occupations to help her. joyce sat down when she had arranged her books, and tried to thread her way through all this maze which bewildered her. she had nothing to do, and she thought she was intended to spend her life here, to sit alone and occupy herself. it was very kindly meant, she was sure, so as to leave her at her ease; and she was glad to have this refuge, not to be always in mrs. hayward’s way, sitting stiffly in the drawing-room waiting to be spoken to. oh yes; she was glad to be here: yet she looked about the room with eyes a little forlorn.
it was a nice little room, with a large window looking out upon the flower-garden, and it was, so far as joyce knew, very prettily furnished, but without the luxuries and decorations of the other rooms. there were no pictures, but a little standing frame or two on the mantelpiece, no doubt intended for those endless
{150}
photographs of friends which she had seen in greta’s room at bellendean, always the first things taken out of her boxes when her belongings were unpacked. but joyce had few friends. she had a little rude picture on glass, shut up in a little case, of old peter and janet, the old woman in her big bonnet and shawl, her husband, all one broad smile, looking over her shoulder—very dear to joyce, but not to be exposed on the mantelpiece for mrs. hayward’s quick look of criticism. joyce felt that greta in a moment would make that room her own. she would bring down her photographs; she would throw down her work, which never was done, with all the pretty silks about. she would spread out her paper and her pens, and the letters she had received and those she had begun to write, upon the table where joyce’s big old blotting-book lay, and the rosewood desk, closed and looking like an ugly oblong box as it was—long, bare, and miserable; but none of all these things could joyce do. she had no work, and no photographs of her friends, and no letters, and nothing to do—nothing to do! and was this how she was to spend her life?
she sat there until the bell rang for lunch, saying to herself that it was far better than being in the drawing-room in mrs. hayward’s way; and then she went timidly out into the hall, where her father was standing, just come in from some supervision in the garden. ‘i have had a busy morning,’ he said, beaming upon her, ‘and so i suppose have you, my dear; but we’ll soon settle down. mrs. hayward——’ here he paused with a little uneasiness, and after a moment resumed—‘your mother—has been very busy too. there is always a great deal to do after one has been away.’
‘considering that i was only away four days,’ said mrs. hayward, coming in from the other side, and leading the way to the dining-room. joyce could not help feeling stiff and awkward as she followed, and hastily got into her seat before the butler could come behind and push forward the chair. she was a little afraid of him hovering behind, and wondered if he knew.
‘i hope you like your room,’ mrs. hayward said. ‘it is small, but i think it is nice; and, baker, remember to let down the sun-blinds before the afternoon sun gets in. miss hayward will not like to find it all in a blaze. that is the worst of a western aspect. henry, some invitations have come——’
‘ah!’ said the colonel, ‘we have more to consider now than we used to
{151}
have, elizabeth. there is joyce to be thought of——’
‘oh,’ joyce cried, growing very red, ‘i hope you will not think of me!’
‘for some things, of course, we must consider her, henry,’ said mrs. hayward, taking no notice of joyce’s hurried exclamation. ‘there are nothing but garden-parties all about, and she must go to some of them. it will be the best way of making her known.’
‘you always think of the right thing, my dear,’ the colonel said.
‘but when it is for dinner, henry, until people know her, joyce will not mind, she will stay at home.’
‘i wish,’ said joyce, with a horrified alarm—‘oh, i wish you would never think of me! i would not like—i could not think, i—i would be afraid to go to parties—i——’
‘my dear,’ said colonel hayward, ‘perhaps there may be—dressmakers to think of—or something of that sort.’
‘i think you may trust me to look after that,’ said mrs. hayward, with a glance at baker, who was listening with benignant interest. joyce had a keen enough feminine sense to know that baker was not to be taken into the confidence of the family; and accordingly she made no further interruption, but allowed the conversation to go on without attempting to take any part in it. she heard them discuss names which were without any meaning to her, and kept shyly, and, as she felt, stiffly still, endeavouring with all her might to look as if she knew nothing at all about it, as if it did not at all refer to her—which went sadly against her with her step-mother, who was eagerly on the outlook for indications of character, and to whom joyce’s apparent indifference was an offence—though she would probably have been equally offended had the girl shown too much interest. when baker left the room, mrs. hayward turned to her again.
‘the colonel was quite right,’ she said; ‘though i didn’t wish to discuss it before the servants. you must want some dresses. you are very nice as you are for indoors, but there is a great deal of dress now worn at garden-parties. and what is called a simple toilet is just the most troublesome of all. for it has to be so fresh and so perfect, not a crumpled ribbon, not a fold out of order. you must go with me to choose some patterns.’
joyce coloured high again. she felt offended, proud—and yet knew she had no right to be either. ‘if i may speak,’ she said, ‘i never thought of parties. i would perhaps not know—how to behave. oh, if you will be so kind as never to mind me! i will stay at home.
{152}
’
colonel hayward put out his hand with his tender smile, and patted hers where it touched the table. ‘you will behave prettier—than any of them,’ the old soldier said.
‘oh, don’t put nonsense in the girl’s head, henry!’ cried his wife with impatience. ‘you may very likely be wanting a little, joyce. you may feel awkward: it would be quite natural. the only thing is, you must begin some time—and the best way is to get your awkwardness over as soon as possible. afternoon parties are more informal than dances, and so forth. they don’t demand so much, and you could pass in the crowd.’
though joyce had been frightened at the idea of parties, and though it was her own suggestion that she would not know how to behave, she did not like this. it sent the blood coursing through her veins. to pass in a crowd—to be tolerated where much was not demanded! how different was this from the old dreams in which lady joyce had been supreme! but these were but dreams, and she was ashamed to have ever been so vain. she stole away, while they stood in the hall discussing this question, with a sense of humiliation unspeakable, and retreated so quickly that her disappearance was not remarked, back to the west room once more. she shut the door upon herself, and said half aloud in the silence and solitude, how good a thing it was that they had given her this room of her own in which she could take shelter, and be in nobody’s way: and then for want of anything else to do, she fell suddenly, without warning, into a long fit of crying, tears irrestrainable, silent, overwhelming, that seemed as if they would carry her away.
poor joyce felt that her fate was harder than she could bear—to be carried away from her homely state, in which she had been accustomed to something of the ideal eminence of her dreams, into this, which was supposed by everybody to be social elevation, and was humiliation, downfall—a fall into depths which she had never realised, which had never seemed possible for her. she cried like a child, feeling no power, nor indeed any wish, to stop crying, in a hopeless self-abandonment. altogether, she was like a child, feeling herself lost, undervalued, neglected, and as if all the rest of the world were happy and in their natural places, while she was left here in a little room by herself all alone. and to add to the humiliation, baker came in, soft, stepping like a large noiseless black cat, to put down the blinds, as his mistress had told him, and found her in the midst of that speechless torrent of weeping, unable to stop herself or to keep up appearances in any way. ‘oh, i beg your pardon, miss hayward,’ baker said, in subdued apology,
{153}
shot with a glance of eager curiosity and inquisitiveness: for he wanted very much to know something about this daughter who had appeared so suddenly, and of whom no one had ever heard before. joyce started up to her feet, and hurrying to the bookcase, took out all the books again in order to give herself a countenance. she turned her back upon him, but he could see very well the quivering of her shoulders, which all her pride and dismay at having betrayed herself could not stop.
this curious state of affairs continued for two or three days. joyce withdrew to her room when the meals were over, at which she was nervously on the watch for anything that might be said concerning her and her mode of existence. it was the third or fourth day before anything was said. then mrs. hayward stopped her as she was stealing away, and laid a hand upon her shoulder. ‘joyce, wait for a moment; let me speak to you. i am not going to interfere with what you wish: but do you really like best to spend all your time alone?’
‘i thought,’ said joyce, with a choking voice, for her heart had suddenly begun to thump so in her throat that she could scarcely hear,— ‘i thought—that i was to stay there: that perhaps you thought it best.’
‘how could you think i was such a barbarous wretch! joyce, if you mean to make life a fight——’
the girl opened her eyes wide with wonder and dismay.
‘that is not what you meant to say, elizabeth,’ said the colonel, coming up to them: his wife had thought he was out of the way, and made a little gesture of impatience on seeing him.
‘don’t interfere, for heaven’s sake, henry! unless you will manage affairs yourself, which would be much the best way. you make things much more difficult for me, as perhaps you are aware, joyce.’
‘no; i did not know. i thought when you said i should have a room—for myself——’
‘that i meant you to live there like a prisoner in your father’s house? are you aware that you are in your father’s house?’
joyce turned her eyes from one to the other with a mute appeal. then she said, ‘yes,’ faintly, not with the vehemence of her former impulses. ‘if she had been patient and not run away,’ she added, with a little solemnity, after a pause, ‘it would not have been so unhappy for us all. i would at least have known—my father.’
‘you see that?’ cried mrs. hayward, though she did not
{154}
understand why these words were said. ‘then you have some common-sense after all, and surely you will get to understand.’
‘why do you say that, joyce—why do you say that?’ said the colonel, laying his hand upon her arm. he was growing very pale and anxious, nervous and frightened, distinguished soldier as he was, by this sudden outburst of hostilities. to see two armies engaged is one thing, but it is quite another to see two women under your own roof——’ joyce, you must not say that,’ he repeated, leaning his hand, which she could feel tremble, upon her arm; ‘you must listen to what elizabeth—i mean, to what your mother says.’
‘don’t call me her mother, henry. she doesn’t like it, and i am not sure that i do either. but we might be friends for all that—so long as she has sense—— don’t you see, child, that we can’t live if you go on in this way? it is getting on my nerves!’ cried mrs. hayward with excitement, ‘and upon his nerves, and affecting the whole house. why should you like to shut yourself up as if we were your enemies, and upset everybody? i can’t settle to anything. i can’t sleep. i don’t know what i am doing. and how you can like——’
‘but i do not like it,’ said joyce. ‘i did not think i could bear it any longer: everything is so strange to me. i used to think i would know by instinct; but it appears i was very silly all the time—for i don’t think i know how to behave.’
joyce hated herself for feeling so near crying: why should a girl cry at everything when she does not wish to cry at all? the same thought was flying through mrs. hayward’s mind, who had actually dropped one hot and heavy tear, which she hoped no one saw. she put up her hand hastily to stop the colonel, who was about to make one of those speeches which would have given the finishing touch.
‘then,’ she said, ‘run and get your work, if you have any work, or your book, or whatever you are doing, and come to the drawing-room like a christian: for we should all go out of our senses altogether if we went on much longer in this way.’
the colonel patted his daughter’s arm and hastened to open the door for her like an old courtier. ‘i told you,’ he said, ‘turning round to his wife, ‘that as soon as you spoke to her, elizabeth, she would respond. you are a little hasty, my dear, though never with me. i knew that as soon as she saw what a heart you have——’
‘oh, never mind my heart, henry! don’t talk to joyce about
{155}
my heart. i think she has a little common-sense. and if that’s so, we shall get on.’
and then joyce began to spend all her time in the drawing-room, sadly ill at ease, not knowing what to do. she sat there sounding the depths of her own ignorance, often for hours together, as much alone as when in the west room, feeling herself to sit like a wooden figure in her chair, conscious to her finger-tips of awkwardness, foolishness, vacancy, which had never come into her life before. she had no needlework to give her a pretence of occupation: and as for books, those that were about on the tables were not intended to be read, except the novels from mudie’s, which had this disadvantage, that when they were readable at all, joyce got absorbed in them, and forgot herself, and would sometimes forget mrs. hayward too. she had a feeling that she should be at mrs. hayward’s disposal while they were together, so that this lapse occurring now and then, filled her with compunction and shame. but when visitors came, that was the worst of all.
