young mr. s. p. iders webbe,
solicitor, of clifford's inn,
sat working in his chambers, which
were far removed from traffic's din.
to those in legal trouble he
lent ready ear of sympathy—
and six-and-eightpence was his fee.
to widows and to orphans, too,
young mr. webbe was very nice,
and turned none from his door away
who came to seek for his advice:
to these, i humbly beg to state—
the sad and the disconsolate—
his fee was merely six-and-eight.
he'd heave a sympathetic sigh,
and squeeze each bankrupt client's hand
while listening to a tale of woe
salt tears within his eyes would stand.
naught, naught his sympathies could stem,
and he would only charge—ahem!—
a paltry six-and-eight to them.
this gentleman, as i observed,
was calmly seated at his work,
when, from the waiting-room, a card
was brought in by the junior clerk.
"nathaniel blobbs? pray ask him to
step in," said webbe. "how do you do?
a very pleasant day to you."
"a pleasant day be hanged!" said blobbs,
a wealthy man and very stout
(that he was boiling o'er with rage
there could not be the slightest doubt).
"i'm given, sir, to understand
you're suitor for my daughter's hand.
an explanation i demand!
"i know your lawyer's tricks, my man;
in courting of my daughter jane—
who's rather plain and not too young—
my money's what you seek to gain.
confound you, sir!" the man did roar.
"my daughter jane is no match for
a beggarly solicitor!"
at words like these most gentlemen
would really have been somewhat riled;
but do not think that mr. webbe
was angry. no; he merely smiled.
but, oh! my friends, the legal smile
is not to trust. 'tis full of guile.
(so smiles the hungry crocodile.)
"i see," webbe most politely said,
"my worthy sir, your point of view.
you're wealthy; i am poor. of course,
what i proposed would never do.
if only, now, i'd property,
and you were—well, as poor as me——"
"pooh! that," cried blobbs, "can never be."
"think not?" said webbe. "well, p'r'aps you're right.
and so—there's nothing more to say.
you must be going? what! so soon?
i'm sorry, sir, you cannot stay!"
blobbs went—and slammed the outer door.
webbe calmly made the bill out for
the interview—a lengthy score.
he charged—at highest legal rate—
for every word he'd uttered; and
he even put down six-and-eight
"to asking for miss blobbs's hand";
next, in the court of common pleas
a "breach of promise" case, with ease,
he instituted—if you please.
he gained the day, because the maid
was over age, the judge averred,
and blobbs was forced to "grin and pay,"
although he vowed 'twas most absurd.
the "damages," of course, were slight;
but "legal costs" by no means light.
(webbe shared in these as was his right.)
outside the court indignant blobbs
gave vent to some expressions which
were libellous, and quickly webbe
was "down on him" for "using sich."
once more the day was webbe's, and he,
by posing as a damagee,
obtained a thousand pounds, you see.
with this round sum he then contrived
to buy a vacant small estate
adjoining blobbs, who went and did
something illegal with a gate.
webbe "had him up" for that, of course;
then something else (about a horse),
and later on a water-course.
he sued for this, he sued for that,
till action upon action lay,
and in the royal courts of law
"webbe versus blobbs" came on each day.
"law costs" and big "retaining fees,"
"mulcted in fines"—such things as these
made blobbs feel very ill at ease.
as webbe grew rich, so he grew poor,
till finally he said: "hang pride!
i'll let this fellow, if he must,
have jane, my daughter, for his bride."
he went once more to clifford's inn.
webbe welcomed him with genial grin:
"my very dear sir, pray step in."
"look here!" cried blobbs. "i'll fight no more!
you lawyer fellows, on my life,
will have your way. i must give in.
my daughter jane shall be your wife!"
"dear me! this is unfortunate,"
said webbe. "i much regret to state
your condescension comes too late.
"for, sir, i marry this day week
(being a man of property)
the young and lovely daughter of
sir simon upperten, m.p."
then, in a light and airy way:
"i think there's nothing more to say.
pray, mind the bottom step. good day!"
