“the world its trite opinion holds of those
that in a world apart these bars enclose;
and thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames
old saws anew, complacently exclaims,
debt is like death—it levels all degrees;
their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize.”
on entering the lock-up house, bob felt a few uneasy sensations at hearing the key turned. the leary bum-trap ushered the gemmen up stairs, while tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and reconcile himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was not of the most cheering nature.
“what, my gay fellow,” said merry well, “glad to see you—was just going to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. zounds! you look as melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a new piece the day after its damnation.”
“in truth,” replied bob, “this is no place to inspire a man with high spirits.”
“that's as it may be,” rejoined merry well; “a man with money in his pocket may see as much real life in london within these walls as those who ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty.”
“but,” continued tom, “it must be admitted that the views are more limited.”
“by no means,” was the reply. “here a man is at perfect liberty to contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. here he may trace over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from the noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attending fashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. besides which, it forms so important a part of life in london, that few without a residence in a place of this kind can imagine its utility. it invigorates genius, concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention.”
[373] “hey dey!” said tallyho, looking out of the window, and perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door—“who have we here? some high company, no doubt.”
“yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. he is the major domo, or, in other words, the bailiff himself. that short, stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarly called his bum.{1} the other is a gentleman desirous of lodging in a genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his residence here.”
“what,” inquired bob, “do bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?”
“to be sure they do,” was the reply; “formerly they were low-bred fellows, who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as you will see them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled up in ?reat coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present real life, you will find them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary to assume a disguise in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of their company'; but among gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the same time so accommodating—you are served with the process in a private and elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate arrangement, a gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from your habitation to your place of retirement, and you may pass through the most crowded streets of the city, and recognise your friends, without fear of suspicion. upon some occasions, they will also carry their politeness so far as to inform an individual he will be wanted on such a day, and must come—a circumstance which has the effect of preventing any person from knowing the period of departure, or the place of destination; consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for a few days, and the matter all blows over without any injury sustained. this is the third time since i have been in the house that the tandem has started from the door, and returned with a new importation.”
by this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was reascended by the master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style for the further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society was in such high
1 see bum-trap), page 166.
[374] estimation, that no excuse or denial could avail, and who being so urgently wanted, must come.
“'tis a happy age we live in,” said merry well; “the improvements are evident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility, that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating characters in the world. he however, like others, must have his assistant, and occasional substitute.
“a man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. it is a principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one should do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for him. accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature for the more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some kind' or other is not employed or invented; and a man who has had the misfortune to lose, or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses, may meet with people ready to perform all their functions for him, from paring his nails and cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. no man cleans his own teeth who can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds get their livelihood by shaving the chins and combing the hair of their neighbours, though many, it must be admitted, comb their neighbour's locks for nothing. the powers of man and the elements of nature even are set aside, the use of limbs and air being both superseded by steam; in short, every thing is done by proxy—death not excepted, for we are told that our soldiers and sailors die for us. marriage in certain ranks is on this footing. a prince marries by proxy, and sometimes lives for ever after as if he thought all the obligations of wedlock were to be performed in a similar manner. a nobleman, it is true, will here take the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; but there are plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his noble mind than the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be found to take the labour off his hands. so numerous are the royal roads to every desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any thing for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite to chew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numbers who, not getting their share of heaven's provision, may be said to submit to have their food eat for them.”
[375] tallyho laugh'd, and dashall signified his assent to the whimsical observations of merrywell, by a shrug of the shoulders and an approving smile.
“apropos,” said merrywell—“what is the news of our friend sparkle?”
“o, (replied tom) he is for trying a chance in the lottery of life, and has perhaps by this time gained the prize of matrimony:{1} but what part of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say—however, he is with miss mortimer probably on the road to gretna.”
“success to his enterprise,” continued merrywell; “and if they are destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck and pretty children. marriage to some is a bitter cup of continued misery—may the reverse be his lot.”
“amen,” responded dashall.
“by the way,” said merrywell, “i hope you will favour me with your company for the afternoon, and i doubt not we shall start some game within these walls well worthy of pursuit; and as i intend to remove to more commodious apartments within a day or two, i shall certainly expect to have a visit from you during my abode in the county of surrey.”
“going to college?” inquired tom.
“yes; i am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and i have an idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. an occasional residence in abbot's park is one of the necessary measures for the completion of a real life in london education. it is a fashionable retreat absolutely necessary, and therefore i have voluntarily determined upon it. what rare advice a young man may pick up in the precincts of the fleet and
1 it has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; but we do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of the truth of the simile before the following, which is a free translation of an advertisement in the louisiana gazette:—
“a young man of good figure and disposition, unable though
“desirous to procure a wife without the preliminary trouble of
“amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the
“object of his wishes:—he offers himself as the prize of a lottery
“to all widows and virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be
“600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the
“wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to
“himself and the 30,000 dollars.”—new york, america.
[376] the king's bench! he may soon learn the art of sharp-shooting and skirmishing.”
“and pray,” says tallyho, “what do you term skirmishing?”
“i will tell you,” was the reply. “when you have got as deeply in debt every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a sunday-man for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. next you may toddle off to scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in the sanctuary of holyrood house, after seeing the north, where writs will not arrive in time to touch you. when tired of this, and in debt even in the sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing of them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a sunday to the isle of man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will be glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. here you may live awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the manx-men have very little faith,) in the island. from this, you must lastly effect your escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in london as a new face. here you will find some flats of your acquaintance very glad to see you, even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasures of recollection accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment. you must be sure to amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the declining health of a rich old uncle, from either of which you are certain of deriving a second fortune. now manage to get arrested, and you will find some, who believe your story, ready to bail you. you can then put off these actions for two years more, and afterwards make a virtue of surrendering yourself in order to relieve your friends, who of course will begin to be alarmed, and feel so grateful for this supposed mark of propriety, that they will support you for a while in prison, until you get white-washed. in all this experience, and with such a long list of acquaintances, it will be hard if some will not give you a lift at getting over your difficulties. then you start again as a nominal land-surveyor, money-scrivener, horse-dealer, or as a sleeping-partner in some mercantile concern—such, for instance, as coals, wine, &c. your popularity and extensive acquaintance will get your partner a number of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you have only to become a bankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free again in some other line. then [377] there are other good chances, for a man may marry once or twice. old or sickly women are best suited for the purpose, and their fortunes will help you for a year or two at least, if only a thousand or two pounds. lastly, make up a purse? laugh at the flats, and finish on the continent.”
“very animated description indeed,” cried dashall, “and salutary advice, truly.”
“too good to be lost,” continued merrywell.
“and yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared.”
“probably so—”
“but mark me, this is fancy's sketch,” and may perhaps appear a little too highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper into the reality of the subject by a little information from the official personage himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we may perhaps also find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house.”
this proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life, observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselves to the imagination of each speaker, and merrywell evidently proved himself a close observer of character.
“places like this,” said he, “are generally inhabited by the profligate of fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. the first is one who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from his incumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yields to john doe and richard roe as a matter of course, passes through his degrees in the study of the laws by retiring to the fleet or king's bench, and returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased stock of information to continue his career. the second are men who have heads to contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific pursuits, probably exhausting their time, their health, and their property, in the completion of their projects, but who are impeded in their progress, and compelled to finish their intentions in durance vile, by the rapacity of their creditors. and the last are persons subjected to all the casualties of trade and the arts of the former, and unable to meet the peremptory demands of [378] those they are indebted to; but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can pay well for their accommodations. money is therefore as useful in a lock-up-house or a prison as in any other situation of life.
“money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is the universal talisman; there is magic in its very name. it ameliorates all the miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be termed life itself. it is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative. it must indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that the attachment of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their friends, arises from the respect paid to riches. the vulgar herd bow with reverence and respect before the wealthy; but it is in fact the money, and not the individual, which they worship. doubtless, a philosophic tallow-chandler would hasten from the contemplation of the starry heavens to vend a farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannot be wondered at that the sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writ because you have not money enough to discharge the just demands against you, should determine at least to get as much as he can out of you, and, when he finds your resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the common receptacle of debtors; which however cannot be done to your own satisfaction without some money; for if you wish a particular place of residence, or the most trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay, even on entering a prison.”
“in that case then,” said tallyho, “a man is actually obliged to pay for going to a prison.”
“precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order of society. but come, we will walk into the coffee-room, and take a view of the inmates.”
upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great number of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners surrounding a bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; in another corner was a young man in close conversation with an attorney; and a little further distant, was a hard-featured man taking instructions from the turnkey how to act. here was a poor player, who declared he would take the benefit of the act, and afterwards take a benefit at the theatre to reestablish himself. there a poet racking his imagination, and roving amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few touches by way of finish to an ode to liberty, with the [379] produce of which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his muse. the conversation was of a mingled nature. the vociferations of the bagatelle-players—the whispers of the attorney and his client—and the declarations of the prisoner to the turnkey, “that he would be d———d if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them,” were now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most lively airs in an animated and tasteful style. the performer however was not visible, but appeared to be so near, that merrywell, who was a great lover of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. they now entered a small yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who resided in it, and found the musician seated on one of the benches, which were continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed a panorama of rural scenery. here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty fountain—there the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering stream glittering in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. the waving foliage however and the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard, (as these beauties were only to be contemplated in the labours of the painter;) but to make up for the absence of these with the harmony of the birds and the ripplings of the stream, the musician was endeavouring, like an arcadian shepherd with his pipe, to make the woods resound with the notes of his fiddle, surrounded by some of his fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to applaud his skill and reward his kindness, by supplying him with rosin, as they termed it, which was by handing him the heavy-wet as often as they found his elbow at rest. in one place was to be seen a butcher, who upon his capture was visited by his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom the melody seemed to have no effect. she was an interesting and delicate-looking woman, whose agitation of spirits upon so melancholy an occasion were evidenced by streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark eyes; and the butcher, as evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was sympathising with, and endeavouring to soothe her into composure, and fondling the child. in another, a person who had the appearance of an half-pay officer, with hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk handkerchief, sat with his arms folded almost without taking notice of what was passing around him, though a rough sailor with a pipe in his mouth occasionally [380] enlivened the scene by accompanying the notes of the musician with a characteristic dance, which he termed a horn-spike.
it was a fine scene of real life, and after taking a few turns in the gardens of the lock-up or sponging-house, they returned to merrywell's apartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to the door.
“more company,” said merry well.
“and perhaps the more the merrier,” replied tom.
“that is as it may prove,” was the reply; “for the company of this house ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation. however, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable, high-life gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall perhaps hear more of him presently—he may turn out to be one of the prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that is, to have a short life and a merry one.”
“that seems to me to be rather a short career, too,” exclaimed bob.
“nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be made to last half the number. in the first place, the pupil learns every kind of extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. these make an end of his fortune. he lives two more on credit, established while his property lasted. the next two years he has a letter of licence, and contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown comparatively knowing.) then he marries, and the wife has the honour of discharging his debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the purpose. then he manages to live a couple of years more on credit, and retires to one of his majesty's prisons.”
by this time mr. safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness inquired if the gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished? upon being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself and his business:—
“we have brought nine gemmen into the house this morning; and, though i say it, no gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it again.”
tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt.
[381] “for,” continued he, “a gemman that is a gemman shall always find genteel treatment here. i always acts upon honour and secrecy; and if as how a gemman can't bring his affairs into a comfortable shape here, why then he is convey'd away without exposure, that is, if he understands things.”
with assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could doubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious host, who, having the gift of the gab,{1} would probably have continued long in the same strain of important information; when dinner was placed on the table, and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to have made use of the customary grace among theatricals.{2}
“the table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, and joke and song and merriment abound.”
“your house,” said dashall, “might well be termed the temple of the arts, since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants.”
“very true, sir,” said safebind, “and as the poet observes, it is as often graced by the presence of the devotees to the sciences: in point of company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the camera obscura of life. there are at this time within these walls, a learned alchymist, two students in anatomy, and a physician—a poet, a player, and a musician. the player is an adept at mimicry, the musician a good player, and the poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn their talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive of harmony, though the situation they are in at present is rather discordant to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord is the soul of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves yesterday, which i thought highly amusing.”
“i am fond of music,” said merry well—“do you think they would take a glass of wine with us?”
1 gift of the gab—fluency of speech.
2 it is a very common thing among the minor theatricals,
when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some
convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and
equally common for them to commence operations in a truly
dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language
of shakespeare,
“come on, macbeth—come on, macduff,
and d——-d be he who first cries—hold, enough.”
[382] “most readily, no doubt,” was the reply. “i will introduce them in a minute.” thus saying, he left the room, and in a very few minutes returned with the three votaries of apollo, who soon joined in the conversation upon general subjects. the player now discovered his loquacity; the poet his sagacity; and the musician his pertinacity, for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, nor no notes—we beg pardon, none but bank notes—equal to his own.
it will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the bottle circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the poet, the recitations of the player, and the notes of the fiddler, time, which perfects all intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous monuments of art, brought the sons of apollo under the table, and admonished dashall and his cousin to depart; which they accordingly did, after a promise to see their friend merry well in his intended new quarters.[383]
