i have a confession to make. when i went home from my grandmother's,—being set down at the home-door by the stage-driver, in whose care i had been placed,—and found my little sister in my mother's arms, a quick growing hate of her struck its black roots in my heart. i know that this seems unnatural. in most houses the baby is the very light and joy of them,—the little idol to whom, from the least to the greatest, the whole family do willing homage.
but remember that i had grown to be ten years old, with no rival near the throne, accustomed to be the first object with my father and mother, petted, indulged, as much "the baby" as if i had worn white long clothes. it was not strange that it should come hard to be deposed from my throne of babyhood in one moment.
[pg 115]
when i went into the house, nurse sikes met me with a smile which struck me like a blow.
"somebody's got her nose broke, i guess," she said, with a tantalizing laugh.
before this, no one had spoken to me about the new-comer, and there, i think, was where the wrong began; but the woman's meaning flashed into my mind in a moment, and i tossed my head scornfully, without speaking. nurse sikes was probably not an ill-natured woman,—she could not have been, since no face was so welcome as hers in the sick rooms of all the neighborhood,—but she was a very injudicious one. i suppose my idle, vain contempt and indignation amused her, and so she went on provoking me.
"ho, ho, miss fine airs! doesn't want to see her baby sister, don't she? well, to tell the truth, i don't think you'll be much missed. papa and mamma are pretty well wrapped up in miss baby. she's a novelty, you know, and i guess she'll be taken care of, even if you don't trouble yourself."
[pg 116]
i would not for worlds have let her see the passion of grief and rage which shook me. i went out of her sight, and fled, not to my own room, which opened from my mother's, but to a remote spare chamber, and there i bore my pain alone.
to cry would have infinitely relieved me, but my evil pride restrained me from that. they should not see my eyes red, and know how i felt; i would die first, i said, bitterly, to myself, i, who had cried out every sorrow of my life, hitherto, on my mother's tender bosom. after a while i heard them calling me,—
"annie! annie! annie! why, the child came in half an hour ago. where is she?"
then i knew i must go down. so i looked at myself in the glass, and saw a face which, indeed, no tears stained, but which was disfigured by pride and passion; and thinking to myself,—'no one will notice how i look, now,' i went to my mother's room.
"come here, my darling," her gentle voice said, "come and look at baby."
[pg 117]
baby! could she not say a fond word to me, after i had been away from home two weeks, without bringing in baby! i moved reluctantly toward her.
"baby is twelve days old," she went on, wistfully, seeing my sullen mien. "i wouldn't let any one tell you, for i thought it would be such a surprise."
"a surprise, indeed!" i echoed her word with a scorn in my voice, which must have pained that gentle heart sorely.
"isn't she sweet?" and, still trying to win my love for her new treasure, mamma uncovered the little, dimpled, rosy face, and held it toward me.
"i suppose so; i don't think i care for babies," i said, ungraciously.
"but you do care for mamma, and you haven't so much as kissed me yet, my darling."
perhaps if, even then, she could have put her arms around me, and held me fast against her loving heart, as she used to when i was grieved or naughty, it might have driven away the evil spirit, and made me her own child again; but[pg 118] she could not, for there, in her lap, was baby. so i took her kiss passively, returned it coldly, and then went away.
it seems so incredible to my grown-up self, looking back upon it, that i could have gone on hating my baby sister more and more, that i can scarcely expect you to believe it; and i think i would hardly write out this, my confession, did i not hope it might lead some other, tempted as i was, to examine her heart in time, and root out from it the evil weed of jealousy, which bears always such bitter fruit.
from the first, little lilias, or lily, as they all called her, was a singularly lovely child. as a baby, she cried very little, and never in anger. nothing but real pain ever made the red lips quiver, or filled the violet eyes with tears. she never could see any face more grave than usual without trying, in her baby fashion, to brighten it. i can remember, oh, how distinctly, times when my father would come home, worn and tired, and she would, quite untold, go through her little r?le of accomplishments till she won a[pg 119] smile from him, clapping her fairy hands, nodding her gleaming, golden head, showing her two small teeth,—all the little winning wiles she had.
she was a very frail, delicate child, always, and she did not walk nearly as early as other children. but she talked very soon indeed. she was scarcely ten months old, when she learned to call us all by our names; and, strangely enough, mine was the first name she spoke. "nan! nan! nan!" she would call me, half the day, like a little silver-voiced parrot.
she was very fond of me, in a certain way. i never tended her unless i was obliged, and my mother, noticing with deep grief my spirit toward my little sister, waited for the evil feeling to wear itself out, and seldom called on me to amuse the child, or to give up for her sake any whim or fancy of my own. lily was not used, therefore, to have me hold or play with her.
perhaps she thought i could not, but it seemed to afford her infinite satisfaction just to have me in her sight. it may be she felt, in some vague[pg 120] way, that i was nearer babyhood than the rest, and so more of her kind. at any rate, she always seemed perfectly happy and content when she could watch me, at any of my pursuits; and when i left the room, the little silvery voice would call after me,—
"nan! nan! nan!"
she was a full year and a half old before she began to walk, and then she was so small and delicate that she looked as you might fancy a baby out of fairy land would look, flitting round on her tiniest of feet, her yellow hair glinting goldenly in every chance sunbeam, and her wistful eyes blue as a blue flower.
how could i help loving her? ay, how could i?
i fancy i must have loved her a little, even then, only i had grown so in the habit of regarding her as an interloper, a rival, an alien, who was taking from me all which had formerly been mine, that i never owned, even in the silence of my own heart, to any softening toward her.
father and mother were good to me beyond[pg 121] my deserts, and beyond my poor words to describe. i have known, since, with what infinite love and grief they sorrowed over me, while waiting for this evil growth in my heart to be uprooted, as they felt sure it would be, some time. they had the wisdom to know that reproof would be vain, and simply to love me and be silent.
but if they loved me, and were to me most patient and kind, they were devoted to little lily, as was natural. she was so frail and so fair, so needed their constant watchfulness, that it is not strange she had it.
one day, when she was two years old and i was twelve, i sat in a corner of the sitting-room, putting a dissected map together, while a lady was calling upon my mother. she looked earnestly and long at lily; but that was not uncommon; the child's dainty beauty was a pleasant thing to watch. at last, after she had risen to go, she said, as if she couldn't help saying it,—
"take good care of that little one, mrs. allen. she looks to me like one of the children the angels love."
[pg 122]
i saw the quick dew suffuse my mother's eyes, as she made some answer which i failed to hear, and then went to the door with her guest.
am i to tell all the sad and bitter truth? i understood, as well as they did, that they thought our lily so frail we should have hard work to make her flourish in the cold soil of the earth; and for one moment a feeling of evil triumph swelled my heart. when she was gone, i should be all to my father and mother, as i used to be before she came. they would love me, when they had no one else to love.
i felt a guilty flush mounting to my cheeks, and i swept my map into its box hastily, and got up to leave the room. as i went out of the door lily's voice followed me, sweetly shrill,—"nan! nan! nan!" and, for the very first time in my life, a conviction smote me that there would be a sense of loss when that voice could never follow me again, with its soft calling, through all the years.
the next summer was a strange, warm, oppressive summer,—the summer of '56. with its july[pg 123] heats our lily began to droop. such care as she had, such nursing, such love! but she had been always like a blossom from heaven, sprung up by mistake in the rough soil of this world, and she needed for her healing the wind which blows for ever through the leaves of the tree of life.
she soon grew so weak that she could not run about any more, but would lie all day, except when, for a change, my mother held her in her arms, in a little rose-curtained crib, out from which the blue, wistful eyes followed all our movements, with a sweet, loving, lingering look, which i cannot describe. on me, in especial, that long gaze used to rest; and never could i leave the room without that sweet, small voice calling after me plaintively.
there came a day, at last, when the doctor sat half an hour by lily's side, watching her with grave, silent face, and then went into another room alone with my mother. he came out first, and went away, and when she followed him, her eyes were very red. i knew afterwards, what i suspected the moment i saw her face, that he had been telling her that she must make up her mind to part with her little darling.
[pg 124]
my heart was not quite stone, after all, for it grew strangely soft and strangely afraid then. she was going home to god, this little lily of heaven; and would she tell him that i had hated, all through, the baby sister he had given me? i went away by myself and prayed. i had said my prayers night and morning, all my life, but this was quite another thing, this cry of the child's heart becoming conscious of its guilt and woe, to the pitying father.
at last, i went to my mother. lily was asleep, and mamma sat by her side, pale as death, but with face that made no complaint. i knelt down beside her.
"o mother!" i cried, "i have been so wicked,—and now i cannot undo it! oh, if i could! oh, if i could only die,—i who am not fit to live,—and let you keep lily!"
she bent over me, and drew me into her arms, against her bosom.
"if you are not fit to live, my darling, you are not fit to die," she said gently. "i can better part with lily, for she is pure yet as when god gave[pg 125] her to me. i have seen your sin and your suffering, and i have known your repentance would come."
"oh, it has, it has! mother, how can i bear it? will she go home to god, and tell him i have hated her?"
"do you think she could tell him any thing which he does not know? but lily has never found out what hate means. she has always loved you, and she does not know but that all the world loves her. the pain which your sin has caused has not rested on lily,—thank god for that."
"but i might have made her happier,—i might have been good to her,—and now, perhaps i shall never have any little sister any more in all the world."
just then the child awoke, and put out her frail little hands, with a low, sweet call i was destined to listen for in vain through all the empty, after years. i ran to her, and took her in my arms. she saw the tears upon my face, and touched them with her mites of fingers.
"naughty nan," she said, in fond reproach, "naughty nan, to cry,—make lily cry too."
[pg 126]
and then i wiped away my tears, and tried to be cheerful; but, oh, how heavy my heart was! and, mourn as i would, i could not bring back the dead months and days wherein i might have loved my little sister, and had hated her instead.
what else?
nothing, but that, with the fading summer flowers, she, too, faded and died. in her case was wrought no miracle of healing. "we all do fade as the leaf;" but she had never been a strong, green leaf, tossed by summer winds, freshened by summer rains, gay in summer sunshine. just a pale, sweet day-lily, that lived her little life, and died with the sunset. and the first words she ever spoke, were the last words, also. she opened her tender eyes after a long silence, during which she had scarcely seemed to breathe, and they rested on me.
"nan! nan! nan!" she cried, as if it were a call to follow her into the strange, new life, the strange, new world, whither, a moment after, she was gone.
if there has been any good in my life since then,[pg 127] if i have striven at all to be tender and gentle and unselfish, let me offer such struggles as a tribute to her memory, as one lays flowers upon an altar or a grave. whither she has gone, i pray god to guide my feet also, in his own good time and way; and i shall know that i have reached the place whither my longings tend, when i hear, soft falling through the eternal air, her low, sweet call,—
"nan! nan! nan! welcome, nan!"
