"i am here, guruji." my shamefacedness spoke more eloquently for me.
"let us go to the kitchen and find something to eat." sri yukteswar's manner was as natural as if hours and not days had separated us.
"master, i must have disappointed you by my abrupt departure from my duties here; i thought you might be angry with me."
"no, of course not! wrath springs only from thwarted desires. i do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine. i would not use you for my own ends; i am happy only in your own true happiness."
"sir, one hears of divine love in a vague way, but for the first time i am having a concrete example in your angelic self! in the world, even a father does not easily forgive his son if he leaves his parent's business without warning. but you show not the slightest vexation, though you must have been put to great inconvenience by the many unfinished tasks i left behind."
we looked into each other's eyes, where tears were shining. a blissful wave engulfed me; i was conscious that the lord, in the form of my guru, was expanding the small ardors of my heart into the incompressible reaches of cosmic love.
a few mornings later i made my way to master's empty sitting room. i planned to meditate, but my laudable purpose was unshared by disobedient thoughts. they scattered like birds before the hunter.
"mukunda!" sri yukteswar's voice sounded from a distant inner balcony.
i felt as rebellious as my thoughts. "master always urges me to meditate," i muttered to myself. "he should not disturb me when he knows why i came to his room."
he summoned me again; i remained obstinately silent. the third time his tone held rebuke.
"sir, i am meditating," i shouted protestingly.
"i know how you are meditating," my guru called out, "with your mind distributed like leaves in a storm! come here to me."
snubbed and exposed, i made my way sadly to his side.
"poor boy, the mountains couldn't give what you wanted." master spoke caressively, comfortingly. his calm gaze was unfathomable. "your heart's desire shall be fulfilled."
sri yukteswar seldom indulged in riddles; i was bewildered. he struck gently on my chest above the heart.
my body became immovably rooted; breath was drawn out of my lungs as if by some huge magnet. soul and mind instantly lost their physical bondage, and streamed out like a fluid piercing light from my every pore. the flesh was as though dead, yet in my intense awareness i knew that never before had i been fully alive. my sense of identity was no longer narrowly confined to a body, but embraced the circumambient atoms. people on distant streets seemed to be moving gently over my own remote periphery. the roots of plants and trees appeared through a dim transparency of the soil; i discerned the inward flow of their sap.
the whole vicinity lay bare before me. my ordinary frontal vision was now changed to a vast spherical sight, simultaneously all-perceptive. through the back of my head i saw men strolling far down rai ghat road, and noticed also a white cow who was leisurely approaching. when she reached the space in front of the open ashram gate, i observed her with my two physical eyes. as she passed by, behind the brick wall, i saw her clearly still.
all objects within my panoramic gaze trembled and vibrated like quick motion pictures. my body, master's, the pillared courtyard, the furniture and floor, the trees and sunshine, occasionally became violently agitated, until all melted into a luminescent sea; even as sugar crystals, thrown into a glass of water, dissolve after being shaken. the unifying light alternated with materializations of form, the metamorphoses revealing the law of cause and effect in creation.
an oceanic joy broke upon calm endless shores of my soul. the spirit of god, i realized, is exhaustless bliss; his body is countless tissues of light. a swelling glory within me began to envelop towns, continents, the earth, solar and stellar systems, tenuous nebulae, and floating universes. the entire cosmos, gently luminous, like a city seen afar at night, glimmered within the infinitude of my being. the sharply etched global outlines faded somewhat at the farthest edges; there i could see a mellow radiance, ever-undiminished. it was indescribably subtle; the planetary pictures were formed of a grosser light.
the divine dispersion of rays poured from an eternal source, blazing into galaxies, transfigured with ineffable auras. again and again i saw the creative beams condense into constellations, then resolve into sheets of transparent flame. by rhythmic reversion, sextillion worlds passed into diaphanous luster; fire became firmament.
i cognized the center of the empyrean as a point of intuitive perception in my heart. irradiating splendor issued from my nucleus to every part of the universal structure. blissful amrita , the nectar of immortality, pulsed through me with a quicksilverlike fluidity. the creative voice of god i heard resounding as aum , 14-1 the vibration of the cosmic motor.
suddenly the breath returned to my lungs. with a disappointment almost unbearable, i realized that my infinite immensity was lost. once more i was limited to the humiliating cage of a body, not easily accommodative to the spirit. like a prodigal child, i had run away from my macrocosmic home and imprisoned myself in a narrow microcosm.
my guru was standing motionless before me; i started to drop at his holy feet in gratitude for the experience in cosmic consciousness which i had long passionately sought. he held me upright, and spoke calmly, unpretentiously.
"you must not get overdrunk with ecstasy. much work yet remains for you in the world. come; let us sweep the balcony floor; then we shall walk by the ganges."
i fetched a broom; master, i knew, was teaching me the secret of balanced living. the soul must stretch over the cosmogonic abysses, while the body performs its daily duties. when we set out later for a stroll, i was still entranced in unspeakable rapture. i saw our bodies as two astral pictures, moving over a road by the river whose essence was sheer light.
"it is the spirit of god that actively sustains every form and force in the universe; yet he is transcendental and aloof in the blissful uncreated void beyond the worlds of vibratory phenomena," 14-2 master explained. "saints who realize their divinity even while in the flesh know a similar twofold existence. conscientiously engaging in earthly work, they yet remain immersed in an inward beatitude. the lord has created all men from the limitless joy of his being. though they are painfully cramped by the body, god nevertheless expects that souls made in his image shall ultimately rise above all sense identifications and reunite with him."
the cosmic vision left many permanent lessons. by daily stilling my thoughts, i could win release from the delusive conviction that my body was a mass of flesh and bones, traversing the hard soil of matter. the breath and the restless mind, i saw, were like storms which lashed the ocean of light into waves of material forms-earth, sky, human beings, animals, birds, trees. no perception of the infinite as one light could be had except by calming those storms. as often as i silenced the two natural tumults, i beheld the multitudinous waves of creation melt into one lucent sea, even as the waves of the ocean, their tempests subsiding, serenely dissolve into unity.
a master bestows the divine experience of cosmic consciousness when his disciple, by meditation, has strengthened his mind to a degree where the vast vistas would not overwhelm him. the experience can never be given through one's mere intellectual willingness or open- mindedness. only adequate enlargement by yoga practice and devotional bhakti can prepare the mind to absorb the liberating shock of omnipresence. it comes with a natural inevitability to the sincere devotee. his intense craving begins to pull at god with an irresistible force. the lord, as the cosmic vision, is drawn by the seeker's magnetic ardor into his range of consciousness.
i wrote, in my later years, the following poem, "samadhi," endeavoring to convey the glory of its cosmic state:
vanished the veils of light and shade,
lifted every vapor of sorrow,
sailed away all dawns of fleeting joy,
gone the dim sensory mirage.
love, hate, health, disease, life, death,
perished these false shadows on the screen of duality.
waves of laughter, scyllas of sarcasm, melancholic whirlpools,
melting in the vast sea of bliss.
the storm of maya stilled
by magic wand of intuition deep.
the universe, forgotten dream, subconsciously lurks,
ready to invade my newly-wakened memory divine.
i live without the cosmic shadow,
but it is not, bereft of me;
as the sea exists without the waves,
but they breathe not without the sea.
dreams, wakings, states of deep turia sleep,
present, past, future, no more for me,
but ever-present, all-flowing i, i, everywhere.
planets, stars, stardust, earth,
volcanic bursts of doomsday cataclysms,
creation's molding furnace,
glaciers of silent x-rays, burning electron floods,
thoughts of all men, past, present, to come,
every blade of grass, myself, mankind,
each particle of universal dust,
anger, greed, good, bad, salvation, lust,
i swallowed, transmuted all
into a vast ocean of blood of my own one being!
smoldering joy, oft-puffed by meditation
blinding my tearful eyes,
burst into immortal flames of bliss,
consumed my tears, my frame, my all.
thou art i, i am thou,
knowing, knower, known, as one!
tranquilled, unbroken thrill, eternally living, ever-new peace!
enjoyable beyond imagination of expectancy, samadhi bliss!
not an unconscious state
or mental chloroform without wilful return,
samadhi but extends my conscious realm
beyond limits of the mortal frame
to farthest boundary of eternity
where i, the cosmic sea,
watch the little ego floating in me.
the sparrow, each grain of sand, fall not without my sight.
all space floats like an iceberg in my mental sea.
colossal container, i, of all things made.
by deeper, longer, thirsty, guru-given meditation
comes this celestial samadhi .
mobile murmurs of atoms are heard,
the dark earth, mountains, vales, lo! molten liquid!
flowing seas change into vapors of nebulae!
aum blows upon vapors, opening wondrously their veils,
oceans stand revealed, shining electrons,
till, at last sound of the cosmic drum,
vanish the grosser lights into eternal rays
of all-pervading bliss.
from joy i came, for joy i live, in sacred joy i melt.
ocean of mind, i drink all creation's waves.
four veils of solid, liquid, vapor, light,
lift aright.
myself, in everything, enters the great myself.
gone forever, fitful, flickering shadows of mortal memory.
spotless is my mental sky, below, ahead, and high above.
eternity and i, one united ray.
a tiny bubble of laughter, i
am become the sea of mirth itself.
sri yukteswar taught me how to summon the blessed experience at will, and also how to transmit it to others if their intuitive channels were developed. for months i entered the ecstatic union, comprehending why the upanishads say god is rasa , "the most relishable." one day, however, i took a problem to master.
"i want to know, sir-when shall i find god?"
"you have found him."
"o no, sir, i don't think so!"
my guru was smiling. "i am sure you aren't expecting a venerable personage, adorning a throne in some antiseptic corner of the cosmos! i see, however, that you are imagining that the possession of miraculous powers is knowledge of god. one might have the whole universe, and find the lord elusive still! spiritual advancement is not measured by one's outward powers, but only by the depth of his bliss in meditation.
"ever-new joy is god. he is inexhaustible; as you continue your meditations during the years, he will beguile you with an infinite ingenuity. devotees like yourself who have found the way to god never dream of exchanging him for any other happiness; he is seductive beyond thought of competition.
"how quickly we weary of earthly pleasures! desire for material things is endless; man is never satisfied completely, and pursues one goal after another. the 'something else' he seeks is the lord, who alone can grant lasting joy.
"outward longings drive us from the eden within; they offer false pleasures which only impersonate soul-happiness. the lost paradise is quickly regained through divine meditation. as god is unanticipatory ever-newness, we never tire of him. can we be surfeited with bliss, delightfully varied throughout eternity?"
"i understand now, sir, why saints call the lord unfathomable. even everlasting life could not suffice to appraise him."
"that is true; but he is also near and dear. after the mind has been cleared by kriya yoga of sensory obstacles, meditation furnishes a twofold proof of god. ever-new joy is evidence of his existence, convincing to our very atoms. also, in meditation one finds his instant guidance, his adequate response to every difficulty."
"i see, guruji; you have solved my problem." i smiled gratefully. "i do realize now that i have found god, for whenever the joy of meditation has returned subconsciously during my active hours, i have been subtly directed to adopt the right course in everything, even details."
"human life is beset with sorrow until we know how to tune in with the divine will, whose 'right course' is often baffling to the egoistic intelligence. god bears the burden of the cosmos; he alone can give unerring counsel."
14-1: "in the beginning was the word, and the word was with god, and the word was god."-john 1:1.
14-2: "for the father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the son."-john 5:22. "no man hath seen god at any time; the only begotten son, which is in the bosom of the father, he hath declared him."-john 1:18. "verily, verily, i say unto you, he that believeth on me, the works that i do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because i go unto my father."-john 14:12. "but the comforter, which is the holy ghost, whom the father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever i have said to you."-john 14:26.
these biblical words refer to the threefold nature of god as father, son, holy ghost (sat , tat , aum in the hindu scriptures). god the father is the absolute, unmanifested, existing beyond vibratory creation. god the son is the christ consciousness (brahma or kutastha chaitanya ) existing within vibratory creation; this christ consciousness is the "only begotten" or sole reflection of the uncreated infinite. its outward manifestation or "witness" is aum or holy ghost, the divine, creative, invisible power which structures all creation through vibration. aum the blissful comforter is heard in meditation and reveals to the devotee the ultimate truth.
