april 4, 1896.
it seems a futile task to say anything about the spring; yet poets and romancers make no apologies for treating of love, which is an old and familiar phenomenon enough. and i declare that the wonder of spring, so far from growing familiar, strikes upon the mind with a bewildering strangeness, a rapturous surprise, which is greater every year. every spring i say to myself that i never realised before what a miraculous, what an astounding thing is the sudden conspiracy of trees and flowers, hatched so insensibly, and carried out so punctually, to leap into life and loveliness together. the velvety softness of the grass, the mist of green that hangs about the copse, the swift weaving of the climbing tapestry that screens the hedgerow-banks, the jewellery of flowers that sparkle out of all sequestered places; they are adorable. but this early day of spring is close and heavy, with a slow rain dropping reluctantly out of the sky, a day[201] when an insidious melancholy lies in wait for human beings, a sense of inadequacy, a meek rebellion against all activity, bodily or mental. i walk slowly and sedately along the sandy roads fast oozing into mire. there is a sense of expectancy in the air; tree and flower are dispirited too, oppressed with heaviness, and yet gratefully conscious, as i am not, of the divine storage of that pure and subtle element that is taking place for their benefit. “praise god,” said saint francis, “for our sister the water, for she is very serviceable to us and humble and clean.” yes, we give thanks! but, alas! to sit still and be pumped into, as carlyle said of coleridge’s conversation, can never be an enlivening process.
yet would that the soul could gratefully recognise her own rainy days; could droop, like nature, with patient acquiescence, with wise passivity, till the wells of strength and freshness are stored!
subtle superiorities
the particular form of melancholy which i find besets me on these sad reflective mornings, is to compare my vague ambitions with my concrete performances. i will not say that in my dreamful youth i cherished the idea of swaying the world. i never expected to play a[202] brave part on the public stage. political and military life—the two careers which ripple communities to the verge, never came within the range of my possibilities. but i think that i was conscious—as most intelligent young creatures undoubtedly are—of a subtle superiority to other people. an ingenious preacher once said that we cannot easily delude ourselves into the belief that we are richer, taller, more handsome, or even wiser, better, abler, and more capable than other people, but we can and do very easily nourish a secret belief that we are more interesting than others. such an illusion has a marvellous vitality; it has a delicate power of resisting the rude lessons to the contrary which contact with the world would teach us; and i should hardly like to confess how ill i have learned my lesson. i realise, of course, that i have done little to establish this superiority in the eyes of others; but i find it hard to disabuse myself of the vague belief that if only i had the art of more popular and definite expression, if only the world had a little more leisure to look in sequestered nooks for delicate flowers of thought and temperament, then it might be[203] realized how exquisite a nature is here neglected.
the hard truth
in saying this i am admitting the reader to the inmost penetralia of thought. i frankly confess that in my robust and equable moments i do recognise the broken edge of my life, and what a very poor thing i have made of it—but, for all that, it is my honest belief that we most of us have in our hearts that inmost shrine of egotism, where the fire burns clear and fragrant before an idealised image of self; and i go further, and say that i believe this to be a wholesome and valuable thing, because it is of the essence of self-respect, and gives us a feeble impulse in the direction of virtue and faith. if a man ever came to realise exactly his place in the world, as others realise it, how feeble, how uninteresting, how ludicrously unnecessary he is, and with what a speedy unconcern others would accommodate themselves to his immediate disappearance, he would sink into an abyss of gloom out of which nothing would lift him. it is one of the divine uses of love, that it glorifies life by restoring and raising one’s self-esteem.
in the dejected reveries of such languorous spring days as these, no such robust egotism as[204] i have above represented comes to my aid. i see myself stealing along, a shy, tarnished thing, a blot among the fresh hopes and tender dreams that smile on every bank. the pitiful fabric of my life is mercilessly unveiled; here i loiter, a lonely, shabby man, bruised by contact with the word, dilatory, dumb, timid, registering tea-table triumphs, local complacencies, provincial superiorities—spending sheltered days in such comfortable dreams as are born of warm fires, ample meals, soft easy-chairs, and congratulating myself on poetical potentialities, without any awkward necessities of translating my dreams into corrective action—or else discharging homely duties with an almost sacerdotal solemnity, and dignifying with the title of religious quietism what is done by hundreds of people instinctively and simply and without pretentiousness. if i raved against my limitations, deemed my cage a prison, beat myself sick against the bars, i might then claim to be a fiery and ardent soul; but i cannot honestly do this; and i must comfort myself with the thought that possibly the ill-health, which necessitates my retirement, compensates for the disabilities it inflicts on[205] me, by removing the stimulus which would make my prison insupportable.
in this agreeable frame of mind i drew near home and stood awhile on the deserted bowling-green with its elder-thickets, its little grassy terraces, its air of regretful wildness, so often worn by a place that has been tamed by civilisation and has not quite reverted to its native savagery. a thrush sang with incredible clearness, repeating a luscious phrase often enough to establish its precision of form, and yet not often enough to satiate—a triumph of instinctive art.
these thrushes are great favourites of mine; i often sit, on a dewy morning, to watch them hunting. they hop lightly along, till they espy a worm lying in blissful luxury out of his hole; two long hops, and they are upon him; he, using all his retractile might, clings to his home, but the thrush sets his feet firm in the broad stride of the greek warrior, gives a mighty tug—you can see the viscous elastic thread strain—and the worm is stretched writhing on the grass. what are the dim dreams of the poor reptile, i wonder; does he regret his cool burrow, “and youth and strength and this delightful world?”—no, i[206] think it is a stoical resignation. for a moment the thrush takes no notice of him, but surveys the horizon with a caution which the excitement of the chase has for an instant imprudently diverted. then the meal begins, with horrid leisureliness.
but it is strange to note the perpetual instinctive consciousness of danger which besets birds thus in the open; they must live in a tension of nervous watchfulness which would depress a human being into melancholia. there is no absorbed gobbling; between every mouthful the little head with its beady eyes swings right and left to see that all is clear; and he is for ever changing his position and seldom fronts the same way for two seconds together.
do we realise what it must be to live, as even these sheltered birds do in a quiet garden, with the fear of attack and death hanging over them from morning to night?
the bondage of a bird
another fact that these thrushes have taught me is the extreme narrowness of their self-chosen world. they are born and live within the compass of a few yards. we are apt to envy a bird the power of changing his horizon, of soaring above the world, and choosing for[207] his home the one spot he desires. think what our life would be if, without luggage, without encumbrances, we could rise in the air and, winging our way out to the horizon, choose some sequestered valley, and there, without house, without rates and taxes, abide, with water babbling in its channel and food abundant. yet it is far otherwise. one of my thrushes has a white feather in his wing; he was hatched out in a big syringa which stands above the bowling-green; and though i have observed the birds all about my few acres carefully enough i have never seen this particular thrush anywhere but on the lawn. he never seems even to cross the wall into the garden; he has a favourite bush to roost in, and another where he sometimes sings: at times he beats along the privet hedge, or in the broad border, but he generally hops about the lawn, and i do not think he has ever ventured beyond it. he works hard for his living too; he is up at dawn, and till early afternoon he is generally engaged in foraging. he will die, i suppose, in the garden, though how his body is disposed of is a mystery to me.
the soul of a thrush
he takes the limitations of his life just as he finds them; he never seems to think he[208] would like to be otherwise; but he works diligently for his living, he sings a grateful song, he sleeps well, he does not compare himself with other birds or wish his lot was different—he has no regrets, no hopes, and few cares. still less has he any philanthropic designs of raising the tone of his brother thrushes, or directing a mission among the quarrelsome sparrows. sometimes he fights a round or two, and when the spring comes, stirred by delicious longings, he will build a nest, devote the food he would like to devour to his beady-eyed, yellow-lipped young, and die as he has lived. there is a good deal to be said for this brave and honest life, and especially for the bright and wholesome music which he makes within the thickets. i do not know that it can be improved upon.
