dear father and mother,
our john having an opportunity to go your way, i write again, and send both letters at once. i can't say, yet, when i shall get away, nor how i shall come, because mrs. jervis shewed my master the waistcoat i am flowering for him, and he said, it looks well enough: i think the creature had best stay till she has finished it.
there is some private talk carried on betwixt him and mrs. jervis, that she don't tell me of; but yet she is very kind to me, and i don't mistrust her at all. i should be very base if i did. but to be sure she must oblige him, and keep all his lawful commands; and other, i dare say, she won't keep: she is too good; and loves me too well; but she must stay when i am gone, and so must get no ill will.
she has been at me again to ask to stay, and humble myself. but what have i done, mrs. jervis? said i: if i have been a sauce-box, and a bold-face, and a pert, and a creature, as he calls me, have i not had reason? do you think i should ever have forgot myself, if he had not forgot to act as my master? tell me from your own heart, dear mrs. jervis, said i, if you think i could stay and be safe: what would you think, or how would you act in my case?
my dear pamela, said she, and kissed me, i don't know how i should act, or what i should think. i hope i should act as you do. but i know nobody else that would. my master is a fine gentleman; he has a great deal of wit and sense, and is admired, as i know, by half a dozen ladies, who would think themselves happy in his addresses. he has a noble estate; and yet i believe he loves my good maiden, though his servant, better than all the ladies in the land; and he has tried to overcome it, because you are so much his inferior; and 'tis my opinion he finds he can't; and that vexes his proud heart, and makes him resolve you shan't stay; and so he speaks so cross to you, when he sees you by accident.
well, but, mrs. jervis, said i, let me ask you, if he can stoop to like such a poor girl as me, as perhaps he may, (for i have read of things almost as strange, from great men to poor damsels,) what can it be for?—he may condescend, perhaps, to think i may be good enough for his harlot; and those things don't disgrace men that ruin poor women, as the world goes. and so if i was wicked enough, he would keep me till i was undone, and till his mind changed; for even wicked men, i have read, soon grow weary of wickedness with the same person, and love variety. well, then, poor pamela must be turned off, and looked upon as a vile abandoned creature, and every body would despise her; ay, and justly too, mrs. jervis; for she that can't keep her virtue, ought to live in disgrace.
but, mrs. jervis, i continued, let me tell you, that i hope, if i was sure he would always be kind to me, and never turn me off at all, that i shall have so much grace, as to hate and withstand his temptations, were he not only my master, but my king: and that for the sin's sake. this my poor dear parents have always taught me; and i should be a sad wicked creature indeed, if, for the sake of riches or favour, i should forfeit my good name; yea, and worse than any other young body of my sex; because i can so contentedly return to my poverty again, and think it a less disgrace to be obliged to wear rags, and live upon rye-bread and water, as i used to do, than to be a harlot to the greatest man in the world.
mrs. jervis lifted up her hands, and had her eyes full of tears. god bless you, my dear love! said she; you are my admiration and delight.—how shall i do to part with you!
well, good mrs. jervis, said i, let me ask you now:—you and he have had some talk, and you mayn't be suffered to tell me all. but, do you think, if i was to ask to stay, that he is sorry for what he has done? ay, and ashamed of it too? for i am sure he ought, considering his high degree, and my low degree, and how i have nothing in the world to trust to but my honesty: do you think in your own conscience now, (pray answer me truly,) that he would never offer any thing to me again, and that i could be safe?
alas! my dear child, said she, don't put thy home questions to me, with that pretty becoming earnestness in thy look. i know this, that he is vexed at what he has done; he was vexed the first time, more vexed the second time.
yes, said i, and so he will be vexed, i suppose, the third, and the fourth time too, till he has quite ruined your poor maiden; and who will have cause to be vexed then?
nay, pamela, said she, don't imagine that i would be accessory to your ruin for the world. i only can say, that he has, yet, done you no hurt; and it is no wonder he should love you, you are so pretty; though so much beneath him but, i dare swear for him, he never will offer you any force.
you say, said i, that he was sorry for his first offer in the summer-house. well, and how long did his sorrow last?—only till he found me by myself; and then he was worse than before: and so became sorry again. and if he has deigned to love me, and you say can't help it, why, he can't help it neither, if he should have an opportunity, a third time to distress me. and i have read that many a man has been ashamed of his wicked attempts, when he has been repulsed, that would never have been ashamed of them, had he succeeded. besides, mrs. jervis, if he really intends to offer no force, what does that mean?—while you say he can't help liking me, for love it cannot be—does it not imply that he hopes to ruin me by my own consent? i think, said i, (and hope i should have grace to do so,) that i should not give way to his temptations on any account; but it would be very presumptuous in me to rely upon my own strength against a gentleman of his qualifications and estate, and who is my master; and thinks himself entitled to call me bold-face, and what not? only for standing on my necessary defence: and that, too, where the good of my soul and body, and my duty to god, and my parents, are all concerned. how then, mrs. jervis, said i, can i ask or wish to stay?
well, well, says she; as he seems very desirous you should not stay, i hope it is from a good motive; for fear he should be tempted to disgrace himself as well as you. no, no, mrs. jervis, said i; i have thought of that too; for i would be glad to consider him with that duty that becomes me: but then he would have let me go to lady davers, and not have hindered my preferment: and he would not have said, i should return to my poverty and distress, when, by his mother's goodness, i had been lifted out of it; but that he intended to fright me, and punish me, as he thought, for not complying with his wickedness: and this shews me well enough what i have to expect from his future goodness, except i will deserve it at his own dear price.
she was silent; and i added, well, there's no more to be said; i must go, that's certain: all my concern will be how to part with you: and, indeed, after you, with every body; for all my fellow-servants have loved me, and you and they will cost me a sigh, and a tear too, now and then, i am sure. and so i fell a crying: i could not help it. for it is a pleasant thing to one to be in a house among a great many fellow-servants, and be beloved by them all.
nay, i should have told you before now, how kind and civil mr. longman our steward is; vastly courteous, indeed, on all occasions! and he said once to mrs. jervis, he wished he was a young man for my sake; i should be his wife, and he would settle all he had upon me on marriage; and, you must know, he is reckoned worth a power of money.
i take no pride in this; but bless god, and your good examples, my dear parents, that i have been enabled so to carry myself, as to have every body's good word; not but our cook one day, who is a little snappish and cross sometimes, said once to me, why this pamela of ours goes as fine as a lady. see what it is to have a fine face!—i wonder what the girl will come to at last!
she was hot with her work; and i sneaked away; for i seldom go down into the kitchen; and i heard the butler say, why, jane, nobody has your good word: what has mrs. pamela done to you? i am sure she offends nobody. and what, said the peevish wench, have i said to her, foolatum; but that she was pretty? they quarrelled afterwards, i heard: i was sorry for it, but troubled myself no more about it. forgive this silly prattle, from
your dutiful daughter.
oh! i forgot to say, that i would stay to finish the waistcoat, if i might with safety. mrs. jervis tells me i certainly may. i never did a prettier piece of work; and i am up early and late to get it over; for i long to be with you.
