my dear parents,
o let me take up my complaint, and say, never was poor creature so unhappy, and so barbarously used, as poor pamela! indeed, my dear father and mother, my heart's just broke! i can neither write as i should do, nor let it alone, for to whom but you can i vent my griefs, and keep my poor heart from bursting! wicked, wicked man!—i have no patience when i think of him!—but yet, don't be frightened—for—i hope—i hope, i am honest!—but if my head and my hand will let me, you shall hear all.—is there no constable, nor headborough, though, to take me out of his house? for i am sure i can safely swear the peace against him: but, alas! he is greater than any constable: he is a justice himself: such a justice deliver me from!—but god almighty, i hope, in time, will right me—for he knows the innocence of my heart!
john went your way in the morning; but i have been too much distracted to send by him; and have seen nobody but mrs. jervis or rachel, and one i hate to see or be seen by and indeed i hate now to see any body. strange things i have to tell you, that happened since last night, that good mr. jonathan's letter, and my master's harshness, put me into such a fluster; but i will not keep you in suspense.
i went to mrs. jervis's chamber; and, o dreadful! my wicked master had hid himself, base gentleman as he is! in her closet, where she has a few books, and chest of drawers, and such like. i little suspected it; though i used, till this sad night, always to look into that closet and another in the room, and under the bed, ever since the summer-house trick; but never found any thing; and so i did not do it then, being fully resolved to be angry with mrs. jervis for what had happened in the day, and so thought of nothing else.
i sat myself down on one side of the bed, and she on the other, and we began to undress ourselves; but she on that side next the wicked closet, that held the worst heart in the world. so, said mrs. jervis, you won't speak to me, pamela! i find you are angry with me. why, mrs. jervis, said i, so i am, a little; 'tis a folly to deny it. you see what i have suffered by your forcing me in to my master: and a gentlewoman of your years and experience must needs know, that it was not fit for me to pretend to be any body else for my own sake, nor with regard to my master.
but, said she, who would have thought it would have turned out so? ay, said i, little thinking who heard me, lucifer always is ready to promote his own work and workmen. you see presently what use he made of it, pretending not to know me, on purpose to be free with me. and when he took upon himself to know me, to quarrel with me, and use me hardly: and you too, said i, to cry, fie, fie, pamela! cut me to the heart: for that encouraged him.
do you think, my dear, said she, that i would encourage him?—i never said so to you before; but, since you have forced it from me, i must tell you, that, ever since you consulted me, i have used my utmost endeavours to divert him from his wicked purposes: and he has promised fair; but, to say all in a word, he doats upon you; and i begin to see it is not in his power to help it.
i luckily said nothing of the note from mr. jonathan; for i began to suspect all the world almost: but i said, to try mrs. jervis, well then, what would you have me do? you see he is for having me wait on lady davers now.
why, i'll tell you freely, my dear pamela, said she, and i trust to your discretion to conceal what i say: my master has been often desiring me to put you upon asking him to let you stay——
yes, said i, mrs. jervis, let me interrupt you: i will tell you why i could not think of that: it was not the pride of my heart, but the pride of my honesty: for what must have been the case? here my master has been very rude to me, once and twice; and you say he cannot help it, though he pretends to be sorry for it: well, he has given me warning to leave my place, and uses me very harshly; perhaps to frighten me to his purposes, as he supposes i would be fond of staying (as indeed i should, if i could be safe; for i love you and all the house, and value him, if he would act as my master). well then, as i know his designs, and that he owns he cannot help it; must i have asked to stay, knowing he would attempt me again? for all you could assure me of, was, he would do nothing by force; so i, a poor weak girl, was to be left to my own strength! and was not this to allow him to tempt me, as one may say? and to encourage him to go on in his wicked devices?—how then, mrs. jervis, could i ask or wish to stay?
you say well, my dear child, says she; and you have a justness of thought above your years; and for all these considerations, and for what i have heard this day, after you ran away, (and i am glad you went as you did,) i cannot persuade you to stay; and i shall be glad, (which is what i never thought i could have said,) that you were well at your father's; for if lady davers will entertain you, she may as well have you from thence as here. there's my good mrs. jervis! said i; god will bless you for your good counsel to a poor maiden, that is hard beset. but pray what did he say, when i was gone? why, says she, he was very angry with you. but he would hear it! said i: i think it was a little bold; but then he provoked me to it. and had not my honesty been in the case, i would not by any means have been so saucy. besides, mrs. jervis, consider it was the truth; if he does not love to hear of the summer-house, and the dressing-room, why should he not be ashamed to continue in the same mind? but, said she, when you had muttered this to yourself, you might have told him any thing else. well, said i, i cannot tell a wilful lie, and so there's an end of it. but i find you now give him up, and think there's danger in staying.—lord bless me! i wish i was well out of the house; so it was at the bottom of a wet ditch, on the wildest common in england.
why, said she, it signifies nothing to tell you all he said but it was enough to make me fear you would not be so safe as i could wish; and, upon my word, pamela, i don't wonder he loves you; for, without flattery, you are a charming girl! and i never saw you look more lovely in your life than in that same new dress of yours. and then it was such a surprise upon us all!—i believe truly, you owe some of your danger to the lovely appearance you made. then, said i, i wish the clothes in the fire: i expected no effect from them; but, if any, a quite contrary one.
hush! said i, mrs. jervis, did you not hear something stir in the closet? no, silly girl, said she, your fears are always awake.—but indeed, said i, i think i heard something rustle.—may be, says she, the cat may be got there: but i hear nothing.
i was hush; but she said, pr'ythee, my good girl, make haste to bed. see if the door be fast. so i did, and was thinking to look into the closet; but, hearing no more noise, thought it needless, and so went again and sat myself down on the bed-side, and went on undressing myself. and mrs. jervis being by this time undressed, stepped into bed, and bid me hasten, for she was sleepy.
i don't know what was the matter, but my heart sadly misgave me: indeed, mr. jonathan's note was enough to make it do so, with what mrs. jervis had said. i pulled off my stays, and my stockings, and all my clothes to an under-petticoat; and then hearing a rustling again in the closet, i said, heaven protect us! but before i say my prayers, i must look into this closet. and so was going to it slip-shod, when, o dreadful! out rushed my master in a rich silk and silver morning gown.
i screamed, and ran to the bed, and mrs. jervis screamed too; and he said, i'll do you no harm, if you forbear this noise; but otherwise take what follows.
instantly he came to the bed (for i had crept into it, to mrs. jervis, with my coat on, and my shoes); and taking me in his arms, said, mrs. jervis, rise, and just step up stairs to keep the maids from coming down at this noise: i'll do no harm to this rebel.
o, for heaven's sake! for pity's sake! mrs. jervis, said i, if i am not betrayed, don't leave me; and, i beseech you, raise all the house. no, said mrs. jervis, i will not stir, my dear lamb; i will not leave you. i wonder at you, sir, said she; and kindly threw herself upon my coat, clasping me round the waist: you shall not hurt this innocent, said she: for i will lose my life in her defence. are there not, said she, enough wicked ones in the world, for your base purpose, but you must attempt such a lamb as this?
he was desperate angry, and threatened to throw her out of the window; and to turn her out of the house the next morning. you need not, sir, said she; for i will not stay in it. god defend my poor pamela till to-morrow, and we will both go together.—says he, let me but expostulate a word or two with you, pamela. pray, pamela, said mrs. jervis, don't hear a word, except he leaves the bed, and goes to the other end of the room. ay, out of the room, said i; expostulate to-morrow, if you must expostulate!
i found his hand in my bosom; and when my fright let me know it, i was ready to die; and i sighed and screamed, and fainted away. and still he had his arms about my neck; and mrs. jervis was about my feet, and upon my coat. and all in a cold dewy sweat was i. pamela! pamela! said mrs. jervis, as she tells me since, o—h, and gave another shriek, my poor pamela is dead for certain! and so, to be sure, i was for a time; for i knew nothing more of the matter, one fit following another, till about three hours after, as it proved to be, i found myself in bed, and mrs. jervis sitting upon one side, with her wrapper about her, and rachel on the other; and no master, for the wicked wretch was gone. but i was so overjoyed, that i hardly could believe myself; and i said, which were my first words, mrs. jervis, mrs. rachel, can i be sure it is you? tell me! can i?—where have i been? hush, my dear, said mrs. jervis; you have been in fit after fit. i never saw any body so frightful in my life!
by this i judged rachel knew nothing of the matter; and it seems my wicked master had, upon mrs. jervis's second noise on my fainting away, slipt out, and, as if he had come from his own chamber, disturbed by the screaming, went up to the maids' room, (who, hearing the noise, lay trembling, and afraid to stir,) and bid them go down, and see what was the matter with mrs. jervis and me. and he charged mrs. jervis, and promised to forgive her for what she had said and done, if she would conceal the matter. so the maids came down, and all went up again, when i came to myself a little, except rachel, who staid to sit up with me, and bear mrs. jervis company. i believe they all guess the matter to be bad enough; though they dare not say any thing.
when i think of my danger, and the freedoms he actually took, though i believe mrs. jervis saved me from worse, and she said she did, (though what can i think, who was in a fit, and knew nothing of the matter?) i am almost distracted.
at first i was afraid of mrs. jervis; but i am fully satisfied she is very good, and i should have been lost but for her; and she takes on grievously about it. what would have become of me, had she gone out of the room, to still the maids, as he bid her! he'd certainly have shut her out, and then, mercy on me! what would have become of your poor pamela?
i must leave off a little; for my eyes and my head are sadly bad.—this was a dreadful trial! this was the worst of all! oh, that i was out of the power of this dreadfully wicked man! pray for
your distressed daughter.
