let us change the scene from hades to olympus.
a chariot drawn by dragons hovered over that superb palace whose sparkling steps of lapislazuli were once pressed by the daring foot of ixion. it descended into the beautiful gardens, and ceres, stepping out, sought the presence of jove.
‘father of gods and men,’ said the majestic mother of proserpine, ‘listen to a distracted parent! all my hopes were centred in my daughter, the daughter of whom you have deprived me. is it for this that i endured the pangs of childbirth? is it for this that i suckled her on this miserable bosom? is it for this that i tended her girlish innocence, watched with vigilant fondness the development of her youthful mind, and cultured with a thousand graces and accomplishments her gifted and unrivalled promise? to lose her for ever!’
‘beloved bona dea,’ replied jove, ‘calm yourself!’
‘jupiter, you forget that i am a mother.’
‘it is the recollection of that happy circumstance that alone should make you satisfied.’
‘do you mock me? where is my daughter?’
‘in the very situation you should desire. in her destiny all is fulfilled which the most affectionate mother could hope. what was the object of all your care and all her accomplishments? a good parti; and she has found one.’
‘to reign in hell!’
‘“better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.” what! would you have had her a cup-bearer, like hebe, or a messenger, like hermes? was the daughter of jove and ceres to be destined to a mere place in our household! lady! she is the object of envy to half the goddesses. bating our own bed, which she could not share, what lot more distinguished than hers? recollect that goddesses, who desire a becoming match, have a very limited circle to elect from. even venus was obliged to put up with vulcan. it will not do to be too nice. thank your stars that she is not an old maid like minerva.’
‘but mars? he loved her.’
‘a young officer only with his half-pay, however good his connections, is surely not a proper mate for our daughter.’
‘apollo?’
‘i have no opinion of a literary son-in-law. these scribblers are at present the fashion, and are very well to ask to dinner; but i confess a more intimate connection with them is not at all to my taste.’
‘i meet apollo everywhere.’
‘the truth is, he is courted because every one is afraid of him. he is the editor of a daily journal, and under the pretence of throwing light upon every subject, brings a great many disagreeable things into notice, which is excessively inconvenient. nobody likes to be paragraphed; and for my part i should only be too happy to extinguish the sun and every other newspaper were it only in my power.’
‘but pluto is so old, and so ugly, and, all agree, so ill-tempered.’
‘he has a splendid income, a magnificent estate; his settlements are worthy of his means. this ought to satisfy a mother; and his political influence is necessary to me, and this satisfies a father.’
‘but the heart——-’
‘as for that, she fancies she loves him; and whether she do or not, these feelings, we know, never last. rest assured, my dear ceres, that our girl has made a brilliant match, in spite of the gloomy atmosphere in which she has to reside.’
‘it must end in misery. i know proserpine. i confess it with tears, she is a spoiled child.’
‘this may occasion pluto many uneasy moments; but that is nothing to you or me. between ourselves, i shall not be at all surprised if she plague his life out.’
‘but how can she consort with the fates? how is it possible for her to associate with the furies? she, who is used to the gayest and most amiable society in the world? indeed, indeed, ‘tis an ill-assorted union!’
‘they are united, however; and, take my word for it, my dear madam, that you had better leave pluto alone. the interference of a mother-in-law is proverbially never very felicitous.’
in the meantime affairs went on swimmingly in tartarus. the obstinate fates and the sulky furies were unwittingly the cause of universal satisfaction. everyone enjoyed himself, and enjoyment when it is unexpected is doubly satisfactory. tantalus, sisyphus, and ixion, for the first time during their punishment, had an opportunity for a little conversation.
‘long live our reforming queen,’ said the ex-king of lydia. ‘you cannot conceive, my dear companions, anything more delightful than this long-coveted draught of cold water; its flavour far surpasses the memory of my choicest wines. and as for this delicious fruit, one must live in a hot climate, like our present one, sufficiently to appreciate its refreshing gust. i would, my dear friends, you could only share my banquet.’
‘your majesty is very kind,’ replied sisyphus, ‘but it seems to me that nothing in the world will ever induce me again to move. one must have toiled for ages to comprehend the rapturous sense of repose that now pervades my exhausted frame. is it possible that that damned stone can really have disappeared?’
‘you say truly,’ said ixion, ‘the couches of olympus cannot compare with this resting wheel.’
‘noble sisyphus,’ rejoined tantalus, ‘we are both of us acquainted with the cause of our companion’s presence in those infernal regions, since his daring exploit has had the good fortune of being celebrated by one of the fashionable authors of this part of the world.’
‘i have never had time to read his work,’ interrupted ixion. ‘what sort of a fellow is he?’
‘one of the most conceited dogs that i ever met with,’ replied the king. ‘he thinks he is a great genius, and perhaps he has some little talent for the extravagant.’
‘are there any critics in hell?’
‘myriads. they abound about the marshes of cocytus, where they croak furiously. they are all to a man against our author.’
‘that speaks more to his credit than his own self-opinion,’ rejoined ixion.
‘a nous moutons!’ exclaimed tantalus; ‘i was about to observe that i am curious to learn for what reason our friend sisyphus was doomed to his late terrible exertions.’
‘for the simplest in the world,’ replied the object of the inquiry; ‘because i was not a hypocrite. no one ever led a pleasanter life than myself, and no one was more popular in society. i was considered, as they phrased it, the most long-headed prince of my time, and was in truth a finished man of the world. i had not an acquaintance whom i had not taken in, and gods and men alike favoured me. in an unlucky moment, however, i offended the infernal deities, and it was then suddenly discovered that i was the most abandoned character of my age. you know the rest.’
‘you seem,’ exclaimed tantalus, ‘to be relating my own history; for i myself led a reckless career with impunity, until some of the gods did me the honour of dining with me, and were dissatisfied with the repast. i am convinced myself that, provided a man frequent the temples, and observe with strictness the sacred festivals, such is the force of public opinion, that there is no crime which he may not commit without hazard.’
‘long live hypocrisy!’ exclaimed ixion. ‘it is not my forte. but if i began life anew, i would be more observant in my sacrifices.’
‘who could have anticipated this wonderful revolution!’ exclaimed sisyphus, stretching himself. ‘i wonder what will occur next! perhaps we shall be all released.’
‘you say truly,’ said ixion. ‘i am grateful to our reforming queen; but i have no idea of stopping here. this cursed wheel indeed no longer whirls; but i confess my expectations will be much disappointed if i cannot free myself from these adamantine bonds that fix me to its orb.’
‘and one cannot drink water for ever,’ said tantalus.
‘d—n all half measures,’ said ixion. ‘we must proceed in this system of amelioration.’
‘without doubt,’ responded his companion.
‘the queen must have a party,’ continued the audacious lover of juno. ‘the fates and the furies never can be conciliated. it is evident to me that she must fall unless she unbinds these chains of mine.’
‘and grants me full liberty of egress and regress,’ exclaimed sisyphus.
‘and me a bottle of the finest golden wine of lydia,’ said tantalus.
the infernal honeymoon was over. a cloud appeared in the hitherto serene heaven of the royal lovers. proserpine became unwell. a mysterious languor pervaded her frame; her accustomed hilarity deserted her. she gave up her daily rides; she never quitted the palace, scarcely her chamber. all day long she remained lying on a sofa, and whenever pluto endeavoured to console her she went into hysterics. his majesty was quite miserable, and the fates and the furies began to hold up their heads. the two court physicians could throw no light upon the complaint, which baffled all their remedies. these, indeed, were not numerous, for the two physicians possessed each only one idea. with one every complaint was nervous; the other traced everything to the liver. the name of the first was dr. blue-devil; and of the other dr. blue-pill. they were most eminent men.
her majesty, getting worse every day, pluto, in despair, determined to send for ?sculapius. it was a long way to send for a physician; but then he was the most fashionable one in the world. he cared not how far he travelled to visit a patient, because he was paid by the mile; and it was calculated that his fee for quitting earth, and attending the queen of hell, would allow him to leave off business.
what a wise physician was ?sculapius! physic was his abhorrence. he never was known, in the whole course of his practice, ever to have prescribed a single drug. he was a handsome man, with a flowing beard curiously perfumed, and a robe of the choicest purple. he twirled a cane of agate, round which was twined a serpent of precious stones, the gift of juno, and he rode in a chariot drawn by horses of the sun. when he visited proserpine, he neither examined her tongue nor felt her pulse, but gave her an account of a fancy ball which he had attended the last evening he passed on terra firma. his details were so interesting that the queen soon felt better. the next day he renewed his visit, and gave her an account of a new singer that had appeared at ephesus. the effect of this recital was so satisfactory, that a bulletin in the evening announced that the queen was convalescent. the third day ?sculapius took his departure, having previously enjoined change of scene for her majesty, and a visit to the elysian fields!
‘heh, heh!’ shrieked tisiphone.
‘hah, hah!’ squeaked meg?ra.
‘hoh, hoh!’ moaned alecto.
‘now or never,’ said the infernal sisters. ‘there is a decided reaction. the moment she embarks, unquestionably we will flare up.’ so they ran off to the fates.
‘we must be prudent,’ said clotho.
‘our time is not come,’ remarked lachesis.
‘i wish the reaction was more decided,’ said atropos; ‘but it is a great thing that they are going to be parted, for the king must remain.’
the opposition party, although aiming at the same result, was therefore evidently divided as to the means by which it was to be obtained. the sanguine furies were for fighting it out at once, and talked bravely of the strong conservative spirit only dormant in tartarus. even the radicals themselves are dissatisfied: tantalus is no longer contented with water, or ixion with repose. but the circumspect fates felt that a false step at present could never be regained. they talked, therefore, of watching events. both divisions, however, agreed that the royal embarkation was to be the signal for renewed intrigues and renovated exertions.
when proserpine was assured that she must be parted for a time from pluto, she was inconsolable. they passed the night in sorrowful embraces. she vowed that she could not live a day without him, and that she certainly should die before she reached the first post. the mighty heart of the king of hades was torn to pieces with contending emotions. in the agony of his overwhelming passion the security of his realm seemed of secondary importance compared with the happiness of his wife. fear and hatred of the parc? and the eumenides equalled, however, in the breast of proserpine, her affection for her husband. the consciousness that his absence would be a signal for a revolution, and that the crown of tartarus might be lost to her expected offspring, animated her with a spirit of heroism. she reconciled herself to the terrible separation, on condition that pluto wrote to her every day.
‘adieu! my best, my only beloved!’ ejaculated the unhappy queen; ‘do not forget me for a moment; and let nothing in the world induce you to speak to any of those horrid people. i know them; i know exactly what they will be at: the moment i am gone they will commence their intrigues for the restoration of the reign of doom and torture. do not listen to them, my pluto. sooner than have recourse to them, seek assistance from their former victims.’
‘calm yourself, my proserpine. anticipate no evil. i shall be firm; do not doubt me. i will cling with tenacity to that juste milieu under which we have hitherto so eminently prospered. neither the parc? and the eumenides, nor ixion and his friends, shall advance a point. i will keep each faction in awe by the bugbear of the other’s supremacy. trust me, i am a profound politician.’
it was determined that the progress of proserpine to the elysian fields should be celebrated with a pomp and magnificence becoming her exalted station. the day of her departure was proclaimed as a high festival in hell. tiresias, absent on a secret mission, had been summoned back by pluto, and appointed to attend her majesty during her journey and her visit, for pluto had the greatest confidence in his discretion. besides, as her majesty had not at present the advantage of any female society, it was necessary that she should be amused; and tiresias, though old, ugly, and blind, was a wit as well as a philosopher, the most distinguished diplomatist of his age, and considered the best company in hades.
an immense crowd was assembled round the gates of the palace on the morn of the royal departure. with what anxious curiosity did they watch those huge brazen portals! every precaution was taken for the accommodation of the public. the streets were lined with troops of extraordinary stature, whose nodding plumes prevented the multitude from catching a glimpse of anything that passed, and who cracked the skulls of the populace with their scimitars if they attempted in the slightest degree to break the line. moreover, there were seats erected which any one might occupy at a reasonable rate; but the lord steward, who had the disposal of the tickets, purchased them all for himself, and then resold them to his fellow-subjects at an enormous price.
at length the hinges of the gigantic portals gave an ominous creak, and, amid the huzzas of men and the shrieks of women, the procession commenced.
first came the infernal band. it consisted of five hundred performers, mounted on different animals. never was such a melodious blast. fifty trumpeters, mounted on zebras of all possible stripes and tints, and working away at huge ramshorns with their cheeks like pumpkins. then there were bassoons mounted on bears, clarionets on camelopards, oboes on unicorns, and troops of musicians on elephants, playing on real serpents, whose prismatic bodies indulged in the most extraordinary convolutions imaginable, and whose arrowy tongues glittered with superb agitation at the exquisite sounds which they unintentionally delivered. animals there were, too, now unknown and forgotten; but i must not forget the fellow who beat the kettledrums, mounted on an enormous mammoth, and the din of whose reverberating blows would have deadened the thunder of olympus.
this enchanting harmony preceded the regiment of proserpine’s own guards, glowing in adamantine armour and mounted on coal-black steeds. their helmets were quite awful, and surmounted by plumes plucked from the wings of the harpies, which were alone enough to terrify an earthly host. it was droll to observe this troop of gigantic heroes commanded by infants, who, however, were arrayed in a similar costume, though, of course, on a smaller scale. but such was the admirable discipline of the infernal forces, that, though lions to their enemies, they were iambs to their friends; and on the present occasion their colonel was carried in a cradle.
after these came twelve most worshipful baboons, in most venerable wigs. they were clothed with scarlet robes lined with ermine, and ornamented with gold chains, and mounted on the most obstinate and inflexible mules in tartarus. these were the judges. each was provided with a pannier of choice cobnuts, which he cracked with great gravity, throwing the shells to the multitude, an infernal ceremony, there held emblematic of their profession.
the lord chancellor came next in a grand car. although his wig was even longer than those of his fellow functionaries, his manners and the rest of his costume afforded a strange contrast to them. apparently never was such a droll, lively fellow. his dress was something between that of harlequin and scaramouch. he amused himself by keeping in the air four brazen balls at the same time, swallowing daggers, spitting fire, turning sugar into salt, and eating yards of pink ribbon, which, after being well digested, re-appeared through his nose. it is unnecessary to add, after this, that he was the most popular lord chancellor that had ever held the seals, and was received with loud and enthusiastic cheers, which apparently repaid him for all his exertions. notwithstanding his numerous and curious occupations, i should not omit to add that his lordship, nevertheless, found time to lead by the nose a most meek and milk-white jackass that immediately followed him, and which, in spite of the remarkable length of its ears, seemed the object of great veneration. there was evidently some mystery about this animal difficult to penetrate. among other characteristics, it was said, at different seasons, to be distinguished by different titles; for sometimes it was styled ‘the public,’ at others ‘opinion,’ and occasionally was saluted as the ‘king’s conscience.’
now came a numerous company of priests, in flowing and funereal robes, bearing banners, inscribed with the various titles of their queen; on some was inscribed hecate, on others juno inferna, on others theogamia, libera on some, on others cotytto. those that bore banners were crowned with wreaths of narcissus, and mounted on bulls blacker than night, and of a severe and melancholy aspect. others walked by their side, bearing branches of cypress.
and here i must stop to notice a droll characteristic of the priestly economy of hades. to be a good pedestrian was considered an essential virtue of an infernal clergyman; but to be mounted on a black bull was the highest distinction of the craft. it followed, therefore, that, originally, promotion to such a seat was the natural reward of any priest who had distinguished himself in the humbler career of a good walker; but in process of time, as even infernal as well as human institutions are alike liable to corruption, the black bulls became too often occupied by the halt and the crippled, the feeble and the paralytic, who used their influence at court to become thus exempted from the performance of the severer duties of which they were incapable. this violation of the priestly constitution excited at first great murmurs among the abler but less influential brethren. but the murmurs of the weak prove only the tyranny of the strong; and so completely in the course of time do institutions depart from their original character, that the imbecile riders of the black bulls now avowedly defended their position on the very grounds which originally should have unseated them, and openly maintained that it was very evident that the stout were intended to walk, and the feeble to be carried.
the priests were followed by fifty dark chariots, drawn by blue satyrs. herein was the wardrobe of the queen, and her majesty’s cooks.
tiresias came next, in a basalt chariot, yoked to royal steeds. he was attended by manto, who shared his confidence, and who, some said, was his daughter, and others his niece. venerable seer! who could behold that flowing beard, and the thin grey hairs of that lofty and wrinkled brow, without being filled with sensations of awe and affection? a smile of bland benignity played upon his passionless and reverend countenance. fortunate the monarch who is blessed with such a counsellor! who could have supposed that all this time tiresias was concocting an epigram on pluto!
the queen! the queen!
upon a superb throne, placed upon an immense car, and drawn by twelve coal-black steeds, four abreast, reposed the royal daughter of ceres. her rich dark hair was braided off her high pale forehead, and fell in voluptuous clusters over her back. a tiara sculptured out of a single brilliant, and which darted a flash like lightning on the surrounding multitude, was placed somewhat negligently on the right side of her head; but no jewels broke the entrancing swell of her swan-like neck, or were dimmed by the lustre of her ravishing arms. how fair was the queen of hell! how thrilling the solemn lustre of her violet eye! a robe, purple as the last hour of twilight, encompassed her transcendent form, studded with golden stars!
through the dim hot streets of tartarus moved the royal procession, until it reached the first winding of the river styx. here an immense assemblage of yachts and barges, dressed out with the infernal colours, denoted the appointed spot of the royal embarkation. tiresias, dismounting from his chariot, and leaning on manto, now approached her majesty, and requesting her royal commands, recommended her to lose no time in getting on board.
‘when your majesty is once on the styx,’ observed the wily seer, ‘it may be somewhat difficult to recall you to hades; but i know very little of clotho, may it please your majesty, if she have not already commenced her intrigues in tartarus.’
‘you alarm me!’ said proserpine.
‘it was not my intention. caution is not fear.’
‘but do you think that pluto———’
‘may it please your majesty, i make it a rule never to think. i know too much.’
‘let us embark immediately!’
‘certainly; i would recommend your majesty to get off at once. myself and manto will accompany you, and the cooks. if an order arrive to stay our departure, we can then send back the priests.’
‘you counsel well, tiresias. i wish you had not been absent on my arrival. affairs might have gone better.’
‘not at all. had i been in hell, your enemies would have been more wary. your majesty’s excellent spirit carried you through triumphantly; but it will not do so twice. you turned them out, and i must keep them out.’
‘so be it, my dear friend.’ thus saying, the queen descended her throne, and leaving the rest of her retinue to follow with all possible despatch, embarked on board the infernal yacht, with tiresias, manto, the chief cook, and some chosen attendants, and bid adieu for the first time, not without agitation, to the gloomy banks of tartarus.
the breeze was favourable, and, animated by the exhortations of tiresias, the crew exerted themselves to the utmost. the barque swiftly scudded over the dark waters. the river was of great breadth, and in this dim region the crew were soon out of sight of land.
‘you have been in elysium?’ inquired proserpine of tiresias.
‘i have been everywhere,’ replied the seer, ‘and though i am blind have managed to see a great deal more than my fellows.’
‘i have often heard of you,’ said the queen, ‘and i confess that yours is a career which has much interested me. what vicissitudes in affairs have you not witnessed! and yet you have somehow or other contrived to make your way through all the storms in which others have sunk, and are now, as you always have been, in an exalted position. what can be your magic? i would that you would initiate me. i know that you are a prophet, and that even the gods consult you.’
‘your majesty is complimentary. i certainly have had a great deal of experience. my life has no doubt been a long one, but i have made it longer by never losing a moment. i was born, too, at a great crisis in affairs. everything that took place before the trojan war passes for nothing in the annals of wisdom. that was a great revolution in all affairs human and divine, and from that event we must now date all our knowledge. before the trojan war we used to talk of the rebellion of the titans, but that business now is an old almanac. as for my powers of prophecy, believe me, that those who understand the past are very well qualified to predict the future. for my success in life, it may be principally ascribed to the observance of a simple rule—i never trust anyone, either god or man. i make an exception in favour of the goddesses, and especially of your majesty,’ added tiresias, who piqued himself on his gallantry.
while they were thus conversing, the queen directed the attention of manto to a mountainous elevation which now began to rise in the distance, and which, from the rapidity of the tide and the freshness of the breeze, they approached at a swift rate.
‘behold the stygian mountains,’ replied manto. ‘through their centre runs the passage of night which leads to the regions of twilight.’
‘we have, then, far to travel?’
‘assuredly it is no easy task to escape from the gloom of tartarus to the sunbeams of elysium,’ remarked tiresias; ‘but the pleasant is generally difficult; let us be grateful that in our instance it is not, as usual, forbidden.’
‘you say truly; i am sorry to confess how very often it appears to me that sin is enjoyment. but see! how awful are these perpendicular heights, piercing the descending vapours, with their peaks clothed with dark pines! we seem land-locked.’
but the experienced master of the infernal yacht knew well how to steer his charge through the intricate windings of the river, which here, though deep and navigable, became as wild and narrow as a mountain stream; and, as the tide no longer served them, and the wind, from their involved course, was as often against them as in their favour, the crew were obliged to have recourse to their oars, and rowed along until they arrived at the mouth of an enormous cavern, from which the rapid stream apparently issued.
‘i am frightened out of my wits,’ exclaimed proserpine. ‘surely this cannot be our course?’
‘i hold, from your majesty’s exclamation,’ said tiresias, ‘that we have arrived at the passage of night. when we have proceeded some hundred yards, we shall reach the adamantine portals. i pray your majesty be not alarmed. i alone have the signet which can force these mystic gates to open. i must be stirring myself. what, ho! manto.’
‘here am i, father. hast thou the seal?’
‘in my breast. i would not trust it to my secretaries. they have my portfolios full of secret despatches, written on purpose to deceive them; for i know that they are spies in the pay of minerva; but your majesty perceives, with a little prudence, that even a traitor may be turned to account.’
thus saying, tiresias, leaning on manto, hobbled to the poop of the vessel, and exclaiming aloud, ‘behold the mighty seal of dis, whereon is inscribed the word the titans fear,’ the gates immediately flew open, revealing the gigantic form of the titan porphyrin, whose head touched the vault of the mighty cavern, although he was up to his waist in the waters of the river.
‘come, my noble porphyrion,’ said tiresias, ‘bestir thyself, i beseech thee. i have brought thee a queen. guide her majesty, i entreat thee, with safety through this awful passage of night.’
‘what a horrible creature,’ whispered proserpine. ‘i wonder you address him with such courtesy.’
‘i am always courteous,’ replied tiresias. ‘how know i that the titans may not yet regain their lost heritage? they are terrible fellows; and ugly or not, i have no doubt that even your majesty would not find them so ill-favoured were they seated in the halls of olympus.’
‘there is something in that,’ replied proserpine. ‘i almost wish i were once more in tartarus.’
the titan porphyrion in the meantime had fastened a chain-cable to the vessel, which he placed over his shoulder, and turning his back to the crew, then wading through the waters, he dragged on the vessel in its course. the cavern widened, the waters spread. to the joy of proserpine, apparently, she once more beheld the moon and stars.
‘bright crescent of diana!’ exclaimed the enraptured queen, ‘and ye too, sweet stars, that i have so often watched on the sicilian plains; do i, then, indeed again behold you? or is it only some exquisite vision that entrances my being? for, indeed, i do not feel the freshness of that breeze that was wont to renovate my languid frame; nor does the odorous scent of flowers wafted from the shores delight my jaded senses. what is it? is it life or death; earth, indeed, or hell?’
‘‘tis nothing,’ said tiresias, ‘but a great toy. you must know that saturn—until at length, wearied by his ruinous experiments, the gods expelled him his empire—was a great dabbler in systems. he was always for making moons brighter than diana, and lighting the stars by gas; but his systems never worked. the tides rebelled against their mistress, and the stars went out with a horrible stench. this is one of his creations, the most ingenious, though a failure. jove made it a present to pluto, who is quite proud of having a sun and stars of his own, and reckons it among the choice treasures of his kingdoms.’
‘poor saturn! i pity him; he meant well.’ ‘very true. he is the paviour of the high-street of hades. but we cannot afford kings, and especially gods, to be philosophers. the certainty of misrule is better than the chance of good government; uncertainty makes people restless.’
‘i feel very restless myself; i wish we were in elysium!’
‘the river again narrows!’ exclaimed manto. ‘there is no other portal to pass. the saturnian moon and stars grow fainter, there is a grey tint expanding in the distance; ‘tis the realm of twilight; your majesty will soon disembark.’
