i am merlin
and i am dying,
“i am merlin,
who follow the gleam.”
helen stood gazing at the figure in utter consternation for at least half a minute before she could find voice; then she bent forward and called to him wildly—“arthur!”
it was the other's turn to be startled then, and he staggered backward; as he gazed up at helen his look showed plainly that he too was half convinced that he was gazing at a phantom of his own mind, and for a long time he stood, pressing his hands to his heart and unable to make a sound or a movement. when finally he broke the silence his voice was a hoarse whisper. “helen,” he panted, “what in heaven's name are you doing here?”
and then as the girl answered, “this is my home, arthur,” he gave another start.
“you live here with him?” he gasped.
“with him?” echoed helen in a low voice. “with whom, arthur?”
he answered, “with that mr. harrison.” a look of amazement crossed helen's face, tho followed quickly by a gleam of comprehension. she had quite forgotten that arthur knew nothing about what she had done.
“arthur,” she said, “i did not marry mr. harrison;” then, seeing that he was staring at her in still greater wonder, she went on hastily: “it seems strange to go back to those old days now; but once i meant to tell you all about it, arthur.” she paused for a moment and then went on slowly: “all the time i was engaged to that man i was wretched; and when i saw you the last time—that dreadful time by the road—it was almost more than i could bear; so i took back my wicked promise of marriage and came to see you and tell you all about it.”
as the girl had been speaking the other had been staring at her with a look upon his face that was indescribable, a look that was more terror than anything else; he had staggered back, he grasped at a tree to support himself. helen saw the look and stopped, frightened herself.
“what is it, arthur?” she cried; “what is the matter?”
“you came to see me!” the other gasped hoarsely. “you came to see me—and i—and i was gone!”
“yes, arthur,” said helen; “you had gone the night before, and i could not find you. then i met this man that i loved, and you wrote that you had torn the thought of me from your heart; and so—-”
again helen stopped, for the man had sunk backwards with a cry that made her heart leap in fright. “arthur!” she exclaimed, taking a step towards him; and he answered her with a moan, stretching out his arms to her. “great god, helen, that letter was a lie!”
helen stopped, rooted to the spot. “a lie?” she whispered faintly.
“yes, a lie!” cried the other with a sudden burst of emotion, leaping up and starting towards her. “helen, i have suffered the tortures of hell! i loved you—i love you now!”
the girl sprang back, and the blood rushed to her cheeks. half instinctively she drew her light dress more tightly about her; and the other saw the motion and stopped, a look of despair crossing his face. the two stood thus for fully a minute, staring at each other wildly; then suddenly arthur asked: “you love this man whom you have married? you love him?”
the girl answered, “yes, i love him,” and arthur's arms dropped, and his head sank forward. there was a look upon his face that tore helen's heart to see, so that for a moment or two she stood quite dazed with this new terror. then all at once, however, the old one came back to her thoughts, and with a faint cry she started toward her old friend, stretching out her arms to him and calling to him imploringly.
“oh, arthur,” she cried, “have mercy upon me—do not frighten me any more! arthur, if you only knew what i have suffered, you would pity me, you could not help it! you would not fling this burden of your misery upon me too.”
the man fixed his eyes upon her and for the first time he seemed to become aware of the new helen, the helen who had replaced the girl he had known. he read in her ghastly white face some hint of what she had been through, and his own look turned quickly to one of wonder, and even awe. “helen,” he whispered, “are you ill?”
“no, arthur,” she responded quickly, full of desperate hope as she saw his change. “not ill, but oh, so frightened. i have been more wretched than you can ever dream. can you not help me, arthur, will you not? i was almost despairing, i thought that my heart would burst. can you not be unselfish?”
the man gazed at her at least a minute; and when he answered at last, it was in a low, grave voice that was new to her.
“i will do it, helen,” he said. “what is it?”
the girl came toward him, her voice sinking. “we must not let him hear us, arthur,” she whispered. then as she gazed into his face she added pathetically, “oh, i cannot tell you how i have wished that i might only have someone to sympathize with me and help me! i can tell everything to you, arthur.”
“you are not happy with your husband?” asked the other, in a wondering tone, not able to guess what she meant.
“happy!” echoed helen. “arthur, he is ill, and i have been so terrified! i feared that he was going to die; we have had such a dreadful sorrow.” she paused for a moment, and gazed about her swiftly, and laying her finger upon her lips. “he is asleep now,” she went on, “asleep for the first time in three nights, and i was afraid that we might waken him; we must not make a sound, for it is so dreadful.”
she stopped, and the other asked her what was the matter. “it was three nights ago,” she continued, “and oh, we were so happy before it! but there came a strange woman, a fearful creature, and she was drunk, and my husband found her and brought her home. she was delirious, she died here in his arms, while there was no one to help her. the dreadful thing was that david had known this woman when she was a girl—”
helen paused again, and caught her breath, for she had been speaking very swiftly, shaken by the memory of the scene; the other put in, in a low tone, “i heard all about this woman's death, helen, and i know about her—that was how i happen to be here.”
and the girl gave a start, echoing, “why you happen to be here?” afterwards she added quickly, “oh, i forgot to ask you about that. what do you mean, arthur?”
he hesitated a moment before he answered her, speaking very slowly. “it is so sad, helen,” he said, “it is almost too cruel to talk about.” he stopped again, and the girl looked at him, wondering; then he went on to speak one sentence that struck her like a bolt of lightning from the sky:—“helen, that poor woman was my mother!”
and helen staggered back, almost falling, clutching her hands to her forehead, and staring, half dazed.
“arthur,” she panted, “arthur!”
he bowed his head sadly, answering, “yes, helen, it is dreadful—”
and the girl leaped towards him, seizing him by the shoulders with a thrilling cry; she stared into his eyes, her own glowing like fire. “arthur!” she gasped again, “arthur!”
he only looked at her wonderingly, as if thinking she was mad; until suddenly she burst out frantically, “you are david's child! you are david's child!” and then for fully half a minute the two stood staring at each other, too much dazed to move or to make a sound.
at last arthur echoed the words, scarcely audibly, “david's child!” and added, “david is your husband?” as helen whispered “yes” again, they stood panting for breath. it was a long time before the girl could find another word to speak, except over and over, “david's child!” she seemed unable to realize quite what it meant, she seemed unable to put the facts together.
but then suddenly arthur whispered: “then it was your husband who ruined that woman?” and as helen answered “yes,” she grasped a little of the truth, and also of arthur's thought. she ran on swiftly: “but oh, it was not his fault, he was only a boy, arthur! and he wished to marry her, but they would not let him—i must tell you about that!” then she stopped short, however; and when she went on it was in sudden wild joy that overcame all her other feelings, joy that gleamed in her face and made her fling herself down upon her knees before arthur and clutch his hands in hers.
“oh,” she cried, “it was god who sent you, arthur,—oh, i know that it was god! it is so wonderful to think of—to have come to us all in a flash! and it will save david's life—it was the thought of the child and the fate that it might have suffered that terrified him most of all, arthur. and now to think that it is you—oh, you! and you are david's son—i cannot believe it, i cannot believe it!” then with a wild laugh she sprang up again and turned, exclaiming, “oh, he will be so happy,—i must tell him—we must not lose an instant!”
she caught arthur's hand again, and started towards the house; but she had not taken half a dozen steps before she halted suddenly, and whispered, “oh, no, i forgot! he is asleep, and we must not waken him now, we must wait!”
and then again the laughter broke out over her face, and she turned upon him, radiant. “it is so wonderful!” she cried. “it is so wonderful to be happy, to be free once more! and after so much darkness—oh, it is like coming out of prison! arthur, dear arthur, just think of it! and david will be so glad!” the tears started into the girl's eyes; she turned away to gaze about her at the golden morning and to drink in great draughts of its freshness that made her bosom heave. the life seemed to have leaped back into her face all at once, and the color into her cheeks, and she was more beautiful than ever. “to think of being happy!” she panted, “happy again! oh, if i were not afraid of waking david, you do not know how happy i could be! don't you think i ought to waken him anyway, arthur?—it is so wonderful—it will make him strong again! it is so beautiful that you, whom i have always been so fond of, that you should be david's son! and you can live here and be happy with us! arthur, do you know i used to think how much like david you looked, and wonder at it; but, oh, are you sure it is true?”
she chanced to think of the letter that had been left at her father's, and exclaimed, “it must have been that! you have been home, arthur?” she added quickly. “and while father was up here?”
“yes,” said he, “i wanted to see your father—i could not stay away from home any longer. i was so very lonely and unhappy—” arthur stopped for a moment, and the girl paled slightly; as he saw it he continued rapidly: “there was no one there but the servant, and she gave me the letter.”
“and did she not tell you about me?” asked helen.
“i asked if you were married,” arthur said; “i would not listen to any more, for i could not bear it; when i had read the letter i came up here to look for my poor mother. i wanted to see her; i was as lonely as she ever was, and i wanted someone's sympathy—even that poor, beaten soul's. i heard in the town that she was dead; they told me where the grave was, and that was how i happened out here. i thought i would see it once before i left, and before the people who lived in this house were awake. helen, when i saw you i thought it was a ghost.”
“it is wonderful, arthur,” whispered the girl; “it is almost too much to believe—but, oh, i can't think of anything except how happy it will make david! i love him so, arthur—and you will love him, too, you cannot help but love him.”
“tell me about it all, helen,” the other answered; “i heard nothing, you know, about my poor mother's story.”
before helen answered the question she glanced about her at the morning landscape, and for the first time thought of the fact that it was cold. “let us go inside,” she said; “we can sit there and talk until david wakens.” and the two stole in, helen opening the door very softly. david was sleeping in the next room, so that it was possible not to disturb him; the two sat down before the flickering fire and conversed in low whispers. the girl told him the story of david's love, and told him all about david, and arthur in turn told her how he had been living in the meantime; only because he saw how suddenly happy she was, and withal how nervous and overwrought, he said no more of his sufferings.
and helen had forgotten them utterly; it was pathetic to see her delight as she thought of being freed from the fearful terror that had haunted her,—she was like a little child in her relief. “he will be so happy—he will be so happy!” she whispered again and again. “we can all be so happy!” the thought that arthur was actually david's son was so wonderful that she seemed never to be able to realize it fully, and every time she uttered the thought it was a sweep of the wings of her soul. arthur had to tell her many times that it was actually mary who had been named in that letter.
so an hour or two passed by, and still david did not waken. helen had crept to the door once or twice to listen to his quiet breathing; but each time, thinking of his long trial, she had whispered that she could not bear to disturb him yet. however, she was getting more and more impatient, and she asked arthur again and again, “don't you think i ought to wake him now, don't you think so—even if it is just for a minute, you know? for oh, he will be so glad—it will be like waking up in heaven!”
so it went on until at last she could keep the secret no longer; she thought for a while, and then whispered, “i know what i will do—i will play some music and waken him in that way. that will not alarm him, and it will be beautiful.”
she went to the piano and sat down. “it will seem queer to be playing music at this hour,” she whispered; but then she glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly seven, and added, “why, no, we have often begun by this time. you know, arthur, we used to get up wonderfully early all summer, because it was so beautiful then, and we used to have music at all sorts of times. oh, you cannot dream how happy we were,—you must wait until you see david, and then you will know why i love him so!”
she stopped and sat thoughtfully for a moment whispering, “what shall i play?” then she exclaimed, “i know, arthur; i will play something that he loves very much—and that you used to love, too—something that is very soft and low and beautiful.”
arthur had seated himself beside the piano and was gazing at her; the girl sat still for a moment more, gazing ahead of her and waiting for everything to be hushed. then she began, so low as scarcely to be audible, the first movement of the wonderful “moonlight sonata.”
as it stole upon the air and swelled louder, she smiled, because it was so beautiful a way to waken david.
and yet there are few things in music more laden with concentrated mournfulness than that sonata—with the woe that is too deep for tears; as the solemn beating of it continued, in spite of themselves the two found that they were hushed and silent. it brought back to helen's mind all of david's suffering—it seemed to be the very breathing of his sorrow; and yet still she whispered on to herself, “he will waken; and then he will be happy!”
in the next room david lay sleeping. at first it had been heavily, because he was exhausted, and afterwards, when the stupor had passed, restlessly and with pain. then at last came the music, falling softly at first and blending with his dreaming, and afterwards taking him by the hand and leading him out into the land of reality, until he found himself lying and listening to it. as he recollected all that had happened he gave a slight start and sat up, wondering at the strangeness of helen's playing then. he raised his head, and then rose to call her.
and at that instant came the blow.
the man suddenly gave a fearful start; he staggered back upon the sofa, clutching at his side with his hand, his face turning white, and a look of wild horror coming over it. for an instant he held himself up by the sofa, staring around him; and then he sank back, half upon the floor, his head falling backwards. and so he lay gasping, torn with agony, while the fearful music trod on, the relentless throbbing of it like a hammer upon his soul. twice he strove to raise himself and failed; and twice he started to cry out, and checked himself in terror; and so it went on until the place of despair was reached, until there came that one note in the music that is the plunge into night. helen stopped suddenly there, and everything was deathly still—except for the fearful heaving of david's bosom.
that silence lasted for several moments; helen seemed to be waiting and listening, and david's whole being was in suspense. then suddenly he gave a start, for he heard the girl coming to the door.
with a gasp of dread he half raised himself, grasping the sofa with his knotted hands. he slid down, half crawling and half falling, into the corner, where he crouched, breathless and shuddering; so he was when helen came into the room.
she did not see him on the sofa, and she gave a startled cry. she wheeled about and gazed around the room. “where can he be?” she exclaimed. “he is not here!” and ran out to the piazza. then came a still more anxious call: “david! david! where are you?”
and in the meantime david was still crouching in the corner, his face uplifted and torn with agony. he gave one fearful sob, and then he sank forward; drawing himself by the sheer force of his arms he crawled again into sight, and lay clinging to the sofa. then he gave a faint gasping cry, “helen!”
and the girl heard it, and rushed to the door; she gave one glance at the prostrate form and at the white face, and then leaped forward with a shrill scream, a scream that echoed through the little house, and that froze arthur's blood. she flung herself down on her knees beside her husband, crying “david! david!” and the man looked up at her with his ghastly face and his look of terror, and panted, “helen—helen, it has come!”
she screamed again more wildly than before, and caught him to her bosom in frenzy. “no, no, david! no, no!” she cried out; but he only whispered hoarsely again, “it has come!”
meanwhile arthur had rushed into the room, and the two lifted the sufferer up to the sofa, where he sank back and lay for a moment or two, half dazed; then, in answer to poor helen's agonized pleading, he gazed at her once more.
“david, david!” she sobbed, choking; “listen to me; it cannot be, david, no, no! and see, here is arthur—arthur! and david—he is your son, he is mary's child!”
the man gave a faint start and looked at her in bewilderment; then as she repeated the words again, “he is your son, he is mary's child,” gradually a look of wondering realization crossed his countenance, and he turned and stared up at arthur.
“is it true?” he whispered hoarsely. “there is no doubt?”
helen answered him “yes, yes,” again and again, swiftly and desperately, as if thinking that the joy of it would restore his waning strength. the thought did bring a wonderful look of peace over david's face, as he gazed from one to the other and comprehended it all; he caught arthur's arm in his trembling hands. “oh, god be praised,” he whispered, “it is almost too much. oh, take care of her—take care of her for me!”
the girl flung herself upon his bosom, sobbing madly; and david sank back and lay for an instant or two with his eyes shut, before at last her suffering roused him again. he lifted himself up on his elbows with a fearful effort. “helen!” he whispered, in a deep, hollow voice; “listen to me—listen to me!—i have only a minute more to speak.”
the girl buried her head in his bosom with another cry, but he shook her back and caught her by the wrists, at the same time sitting erect, a strain that made the veins in his temples start out. “look at me!” he gasped. “look at me!” and as the girl stared into his eyes that were alive with the last frenzied effort of his soul, he went on, speaking with fierce swiftness and panting for breath between each phrase:
“helen—helen—listen to me—twenty years i have kept myself alive on earth by such a struggle—by the power of a will that would not yield! and now there is but an instant more—an instant—i cannot bear it—except to save your soul! for i am going—do you hear me—going! and you must stay,—and you have the battle for your life to fight! listen to me—look into my eyes,—for you must call up your powers—now—now before it is too late! you cannot shirk it—do you hear me? it is here!”
and as the man was speaking the frenzied words the look of a tiger had come into his face; his eyes were starting from his head, and he held helen's wrists in a grip that turned them black, tho then she did not feel the pain. she was gazing into his face, convulsed with fright; and the man gasped for breath once more, and then rushed on:
“a fight like this conies once to a soul, helen—and it wins or it loses—and you must win! do you hear me?—win! i am dying, helen, i am going—and i leave you to god, and to life. he is, he made you, and he demands your worship and your faith—that you hold your soul lord of all chances, that you make yourself master of your life! and now is your call—now! you clench your hands and you pray—it tears your heart-strings, and it bursts your brain—but you say that you will—that you will—that you will! oh, god, that i have left you so helpless—that i did not show you the peril of your soul! for you must win—oh, if i could but find a word for you! for you stand upon the brink of ruin, and you have but an instant—but an instant to save yourself—to call up the vision of your faith before you, and tho the effort kill you, not to let it go! girl, if you fail, no power of earth or heaven can save you from despair! and oh, have i lived with you for nothing—showed you no faith—given you no power? helen, save me—have mercy upon me, i cannot stand this, and i dare not—i dare not die!”
the man was leaning forward, gazing into the girl's face, his own countenance fearful to see. “i could die,” he gasped; “i could die with a song—he has shown me his face—and he is good! but i dare not leave you—you—and i am going! helen! helen!”
the man's fearful force seemed to have been acting upon the girl like magnetism, for tho the look of wild suffering had not left her face, she had raised herself and was staring into his burning eyes; then suddenly, with an effort that shook her frame she clenched her hands and gave a gasp for breath, and panted, scarcely audibly: “what—can—i—do?”
david's head had sunk, but he mastered himself once more; and he whispered, “i leave you to god—i leave you to life! you can be a soul,—you can win—you must win, you must live—and worship—and rejoice! you must kneel here—here, while i am going, never more to return; and you must know that you can never see me again, that i shall no longer exist; and you must cling to your faith in the god who made you, and praise him for all that he does! and you will not shed a tear—not a tear!”
and his grip tightened yet more desperately; he stared in one last wild appeal, and gasped again, “promise me—not a tear!”
and again the throbbing force of his soul roused the girl; she could not speak, she was choking; but she gave a sign of assent, and then all at once david's fearful hold relaxed. he gave one look more, one that stamped itself upon helen's soul forever by its fearful intensity of yearning; and after it he breathed a sigh that seemed to pant out the last mite of strength in his frame, and sank backwards upon the sofa, with helen still clinging to him.
there for an instant or two he lay, breathing feebly; and the girl heard a faint whisper again—“not a tear—not a tear!” he opened his eyes once more and gazed at her dimly, and then a slight trembling shook his frame. his chest heaved once more and sank, and after it everything was still.
for an instant helen stared at him, dazed; then she clutched him by the shoulders, whispering hoarsely-then calling louder and louder in frenzied terror, “david, david!” he gave no answer, and with a cry that was fearful to hear the girl clutched him to her. the body was limp and lifeless—the head fell forward as if the neck were broken; and helen staggered backward with a scream.
there came an instant of fierce agony then; she stood in the center of the room, reeling and swaying, clutching her head in her hands, her face upturned and tortured. and first she gasped, “he is dead!” and then “i shall not ever see him again!” and she choked and swallowed a lump in her throat, whispering in awful terror, “not a tear—not a tear!” and then she flung up her arms and sank forward with an incoherent cry, and fell senseless into arthur's arms.
a week had passed since david's death; and helen was in her father's home once more, sitting by the window in the gathering twilight. she was yery pale, and her eyes were sunken and hollow; but the beauty of her face was still there, tho in a strange and terrible way. her hand was resting upon arthur's, and she was gazing into his eyes and speaking in a deep, solemn voice.
“it will not ever leave me, arthur, i know it will not ever leave me; it is like a fearful vision that haunts me night and day, a voice that cries out in my soul and will not let me rest; and i know i shall never again be able to live like other people, never be free from its madness. for oh, i do not think it is often that a human soul sees what i saw—he seemed to drag me out into the land of death with him, into the very dwelling-place of god. and i almost went with him, arthur, almost! can you dream what i suffered—have you any idea of what it means to a human being to make such an effort? i loved that man as if he had been my own soul; i was bound to him so that he was all my life, and to have him go was like tearing my heart in two; and he had told me that i should never see him again, that there was nothing to look for beyond death. and yet, arthur, i won—do you ever realize it?—i won. it seemed to me as if the earth were reeling about me—as if the very air i breathed were fire; and oh, i thought that he was dead—that he was gone from me forever, and i believed that i was going mad! and then, arthur, those awful words of his came ringing through my mind, 'not a tear, not a tear!' i had no faith, i could see nothing but that the world was black with horror; and yet i heard those words! it was love—it was even fear, i think, that held me to it; i had worshiped his sacredness, i had given all my soul to the wonder of his soul; and i dared not be false to him—i dared not dishonor him,—and i knew that he had told me that grief was a crime, that there was truth in the world that i might cling to. and oh, arthur, i won it—i won it! i kept the faith—david's faith; and it is still alive upon the earth. it seems to me almost as if i had won his soul from death—as if i had saved his spirit in mine-as if i could still rejoice in his life, still have his power and his love; and there is a kind of fearful consecration in my heart, a glory that i am afraid to know of, as if god's hand had been laid upon me.
“david used to tell me, arthur, that if only that power is roused in a soul, if only it dwells in that sacredness, there can no longer be fear or evil in its life; that the strife and the vanity and the misery in this cruel world about us come from nothing else but that men do not know this vision, that it is so hard—so dreadfully hard—to win. and he used to say that this power is infinite, that it depends only upon how much one wants it; and that he who possessed it had the gift of king midas, and turned all things that he touched to gold. that is real madness to me, arthur, and will not let me be still; and yet i know that it cannot ever die in me; for whenever there is an instant's weakness there flashes over me again the fearful thought of david, that he is gone back into nothingness, that nowhere can i ever see him, ever hear his voice or speak to him again,-that i am alone-alone! and that makes me clench my hands and nerve my soul, and fight again, and still again! arthur, i did that for days, and did not once know why-only because david had told me to, because i was filled with a fearful terror of proving a coward soul, because i had heard him say that if one only held the faith and prayed, the word would come to him at last. and it was true—it was true, arthur; it was like the tearing apart of the skies, it was as if i had rent my way through them. i saw, as i had never dreamed i could see when i heard david speak of it, how god's presence is infinite and real; how it guides the blazing stars, and how our life is but an instant and is nothing beside it; and how it makes no difference that we pass into nothingness—his glory is still the same. then i saw too what a victory i had won, arthur,—how i could live in it, and how i was free, and master of my life; there came over me a feeling for which there is no word, a kind of demon force that was madness. i thought of that wonderful sixth chapter of isaiah that david used to think so much beyond reading, that he used to call the artist's chapter; and oh, i knew just what it was that i had to do in the world!”
helen had been speaking very intensely, her voice shaking; the other's gaze was riveted upon her face. “arthur,” she added, her voice sinking to a whisper, “i have no art, but you have; and we must fight together for this fearful glory, we must win this prize of god.” and for a long time the two sat in silence, trembling, while the darkness gathered about them. helen had turned her head, and gazed out, with face uplifted, at the starry shield that quivered and shook above them; suddenly arthur saw her lips moving again, and heard her speaking the wonderful words that she had referred to,—her voice growing more and more intense, and sinking into a whisper of awe:—
“in the year that king uzziah died i saw also the lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.
“above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly.
“and one cried unto another, and said, holy, holy, holy, is the lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.
“and the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.
“then said i, woe is me! for i am undone; because i am a man of unclean lips, and i dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the king, the lord of hosts.
“then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a living coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:
“and he laid it upon my mouth, and said, lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.
“also i heard the voice of the lord, saying, whom shall i send, and who will go for us? then said i, here am i; send me.”
