good? he was the model boy of bungfield. while his idle school-mates were flying kites and playing marbles, the prudent joseph was trading sunday-school tickets for strawberries and eggs, which he converted into currency of the republic. as he grew up, and his old school-mates purchased cravats and hair-oil at squire tackey's store, it was the industrious joseph who stood behind the counter, wrapped up their purchases, and took their money. when the same boys stood on the street-corners and cast sheep's eyes at the girls, the business-like joseph stood in the store-door and contemplated these same boys with eyes such as a hungry cat casts upon a brood of young birds who he expects to eat when they grow older. joe never wasted any time at parties; he never wore fine clothing; he never drank nor smoked; in short, joe was so industrious that by the time he reached his majority he had a thousand dollars in the bank, and not a solitary virtue in his heart.
for joe's money good squire tackey had an earnest longing, and soon had it to his own credit; while the sign over the store-door read "tackey gatter." then the squire wanted joe's soul, too, and so earnest was he that joe soon found it necessary to remonstrate with his partner.
"'twont do, squire," said he; "religion's all very well in its place, but when a man loses the sale of a dozen eggs, profit seven cents, because his partner is talking religion with him so hard that a customer gets tired of waiting and goes somewhere else, then religion's out of place."
"the human soul's of more cons'kence than many eggs, joseph," argued the squire.
"that's just it," replied joe; "money don't hit the value of the soul any way, and there's no use trying to mix 'em. and while we're talking, don't you think we might be mixing some of the settlings of the molasses barrel with the brown sugar?—'twill make it weigh better."
the squire sighed, but he could not help admitting that joe was as good a partner as a man could want.
in one of joe's leisure moments it struck him that if he were to die, nobody would lose a cent by the operation. the idea was too exasperating, and soon the local agents of noted insurance companies ceased to enjoy that tranquility which is characteristic of business men in the country. within a fortnight two of the agents were arraigned before their respective churches for profane brawling, while joe had squeezed certain agents into dividing commissions to the lowest unit of divisibility, and had several policies in the safe at the store.
the squire, his partner, was agent for the pantagonian mutual, and endured his full share of the general agony joe had caused. but when he had handed joe a policy and receipt, and taken the money, and counted it twice, and seen to it carefully that all the bills were good, the good squire took his revenge.
"joseph," said he, "you ain't through with insurance yet—you need to insure your soul against risk in the next world, and there's only one agent that does it."
the junior partner stretched himself on the counter and groaned. he knew the squire was right—he had heard that same story from every minister he had ever heard. joe was so agitated that he charged at twelve and a half cents some calico he had sold at fifteen.
only one agent! but the shrewd joseph rejoiced to think that those who represented the great agent differed greatly in the conditions of the insurance, and that some made more favorable terms than others, and that if he could get the ministers thoroughly interested in him, he would have a good opportunity for comparing rates. the good men all wanted joe, for he was a rising young man, and could, if the spirit moved him, make handsome subscriptions to good purposes. so, in their zeal, they soon regarded each other with jealous eyes, and reduced their respective creeds to gossamer thinness. they agreed about grace being free, and joe accepted that much promptly, as he did anything which could be had without price. but joe was a practical man, and though he found fault with none of the doctrines talked at him, he yet hesitated to attach himself to any particular congregation. he finally ascertained that the reverend barzillai driftwood's church had no debt, and that its contributions to missions and other religious purposes were very small, so joe allowed himself to be gathered into the fine assortment of crooked sticks which the reverend barzillai driftwood was reserving unto the day of burning.
great was the rejoicing of the congregation at joe's saving act, and sincere was the sorrow of the other churches, who knew their own creeds were less shaky. but in the saloon and on the street joe's religious act was discussed exclusively on its merits, and the results were such as only special spiritual labor would remove. for no special change was noticeable in joe; on sunday he abjured the world, but on monday he made things uncomfortable for the widow macnilty, whose husband had died in the debt of tackey gatter. a customer bought some gingham, on joe's assurance that the colors were fast, but the first washday failed to confirm joe's statement. the proprietor of the stage line between bungfield and cleopas valley traded horses with joe, and was afterward heard mentioning his new property in language far more scriptural than proper.
still, joe was a church-member, and that was a patent of respectability. and as he gained years, and building lots, and horses, and commenced discounting notes, his respectability grew and waxed great in the minds of the practical people of bungfield. even good women, real mothers in israel, could not help thinking, as they sorrowed over the sand in the bottoms of their coffee-cups, and grew wrathful at "runney" flour bought for "a 1 superfine" of tackey gatter, that joe would make a valuable husband. so thought some of the ladies of bungfield, and as young ladies who can endure the idea of such a man for perpetual partner can also signify their opinions, joe began to comprehend that he was in active demand. he regarded the matter as he would a sudden demand for any commodity of trade, and by skillfully manipulating the market he was soon enabled to choose from a full supply.
thenceforward joe was as happy as a man of his nature could be. all his investments were paying well: the store was prosperous, he was successful in all his trading enterprises, he had purchased, at fearful shaves, scores of perfectly good notes, he realized on loans interest which would cause a usury law to shrivel and crack, his insurance policies brought him fair dividends, and his wife kept house with economy and thrift. but the church—the church seemed an unmitigated drag. joe attended all the church meetings—determined to get the worth of the money he was compelled to contribute to the current expenses—he had himself appointed treasurer, so he could get the use of the church money; but the interest, even at the rates joe generally obtained, did not balance the amount of his contribution.
joe worried over the matter until he became very peevish, yet he came no nearer a business-like adjustment of receipts and expenditures. one day when his venerable partner presented him a certificate of dividend from the pantagonian mutual, joe remarked:
"never got any dividends on that other insurance you put me up to taking, partner—that 'gainst fire risks in the next world, you know. 'twill be tough if there's any mistake—church does take a sight of money."
"joseph," said the squire, in a sorrowful tone, "i've always been afeard they didn't look enough into your evidences when they took you into that church. how can a man expect to escape on the day of wrath if he's all the time grumbling at the cost of his salvation? mistake? if you don't know in your heart the truth of what you profess, there's mighty little hope for you, church or no church."
joe and his venerable partner talking over insurance matters.
joe and his venerable partner
talking over insurance matters.
"know in my heart!" cried joe. "that's a pretty kind of security. is that what i've been paying church dues for? better have known it in my heart in the first place, and saved the money. what's the use of believing all these knotty points, if they don't make a sure thing for a man?"
"if your belief don't make you any better or happier, joseph," rejoined the squire, "you'd better look again and see if you've got a good hold of it; those that's got a clear title don't find their investment as slow in making returns, while those that find fault are generally the ones that's made a mistake."
poor joe! he thought he had settled this whole matter; but now, if his partner was right, he was worse off than if he hadn't begun. he believed in justification by faith; now, wasn't his faith strong—first class, he might say? to be sure of being safe, hadn't he believed everything that all the ministers had insisted upon as essential? and what was faith, if it wasn't believing? he would ask his partner; the old man had got him into this scrape—now he must see him through.
"squire," said he, "isn't faith the same thing as believing?"
"well," said the squire, adjusting his glasses, and taking from the desk the little testament upon which he administered oaths, "that depends on how you believe. here's a verse on the subject: 'thou believest in god; thou doest well; the devils also believe, and tremble.'"
ugh! joe shivered. he wasn't an aristocrat, but would one fancy such companionship as the squire referred to?
"here," said the squire, turning the leaves, "is another passage bearin' on the subject. 'o, generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come? bring forth, therefore, fruits meet for repentance.'"
vipers! joe uncomfortably wondered who else the squire was going to introduce into the brotherhood of the faith.
"now, see what it says in another place," continued the squire, "not every one that saith unto me lord, lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he that doeth the will of my father which is in heaven."
"yes," said joe, grateful for hearing of no more horrible believers, "but what is his will but believing on him? don't the bible say that they that believe shall be saved?"
"joseph," said the squire, "when you believed in my store, you put in your time and money there. when you believed in hoss-tradin' you devoted yourself to practicing it. when you believed life insurance was a good thing, you took out policies and paid for them, though you have complained of the patagonian dividends. now, if you do believe in god, what have you done to prove it?"
"i've paid over a hundred dollars a year church dues," said joe, wrathfully, "not counting subscriptions to a bell and a new organ."
"that wasn't for god, joseph," said the squire; "'twas all for you. god never'll thank you for running an asylum for paupers fit to work. you'll find in the twenty-fifth chapter of matthew a description of those that's going into the kingdom of heaven—they're the people that give food and clothing to the needy, and that visit the sick and prisoners, while those that don't do these things don't go in, to put it mildly. he don't say a word about belief there, joseph; for he knows that giving away property don't happen till a man's belief is pretty strong."
joe felt troubled. could it really be that his eternal insurance was going to cost more money? joe thought enviously of colonel bung, president of the bungfield railroad co.—the colonel didn't believe in anything; so he saved all his money, and joe wished he had some of the colonel's courage.
joe's meditations were interrupted by the entrance of sam ottrey, a poor fellow who owed joe some money. joe had lent sam a hundred dollars, discounted ten per cent, for ninety days, and secured by a chattel mortgage on sam's horse and wagon. but sam had been sick during most of the ninety days, and when he went to joe to beg a few days of grace, that exemplary business man insisted upon immediate payment.
it was easy to see by sam's hopeless eye and strained features that he had not come to pay—he was staring ruin in the face, and felt as uncomfortable as if the amount were millions instead of a horse and wagon, his only means of support. as for joe, he had got that hundred dollars and horse and wagon mixed up in the oddest way with what he and his partner had been talking about. it was utterly unbusiness-like—he knew it—he tried to make business business, and religion religion, but, try as he might, he could not succeed. joe thought briskly; he determined to try an experiment.
"sam," said he, "got the money?"
"no," sam replied; "luck's agin me—i've got to stand it, i suppose."
"sam," said joe, "i'll give you all the time you need, at legal interest."
sam was not such a young man as sentimental people would select to try good deeds upon. but he was human, and loved his wife and children, and the sudden relief he felt caused him to look at joe in a manner which made joe find a couple of entire strangers in his own eyes. he hurried into the little office, and when his partner looked up inquiringly, joe replied:
"i've got a dividend, squire—one of those we were talking about."
"how's that?" asked the old man, while joe commenced writing rapidly.
"i'll show you," said joe, handing the squire the paper on which he has just put in writing his promise to sam.
"joseph," said the squire, after reading the paper several times, to assure himself that his eyes did not deceive him, "it beats the widow's mites; she gave the lord all she had, but you've given him more than you ever had in all your life until to-day."
joe handed sam the paper, and it was to the teamster the strongest evidence of christianity he had ever seen in bungfield. he had known of some hard cases turning from the saloon and joining the church, but none of these things were so wonderful as this action of joe gatter's. sam told the story, in strict confidence, to each of his friends, and the good seed was thus sown in soil that it had never reached before.
it would be pleasant to relate that joe forthwith ceased shaving notes and selling antiquated grease for butter, and that he devoted the rest of his days and money to good deeds, but it wouldn't be true. those of our readers who have always consistently acted according to their own light and knowledge are, of course, entitled to throw stones at joe gatter; but most of us know to our sorrow why he didn't always act according to the good promptings he received. our only remaining duty is to say that when, thereafter, joe's dividends came seldom, he knew who to blame.
