"it's a pity they should have chosen the day of the eton and harrow match for the funeral," old general grego was saying as he stood, his top hat in his hand, under the shadow of the lych gate, wiping his face with his handkerchief.
mr. hutton overheard the remark and with difficulty restrained a desire to inflict grievous bodily pain on the general. he would have liked to hit the old brute in the middle of his big red face. monstrous great mulberry, spotted with meal! was there no respect for the dead? did nobody care? in theory he didn't much care; let the dead bury their dead. but here, at the graveside, he had found himself actually sobbing. poor emily, they had been pretty happy once. now she was lying at the bottom of a seven-foot hole. and here was grego complaining that he couldn't go to the eton and harrow match.
mr. hutton looked round at the groups of black figures that were drifting slowly out of the churchyard towards the fleet of cabs and motors assembled in the road outside. against the brilliant background of the july grass and flowers and foliage, they had a horribly alien and unnatural appearance. it pleased him to think that all these people would soon be dead, too.
that evening mr. hutton sat up late in his library reading the life of milton. there was no particular reason why he should have chosen milton; it was the book that first came to hand, that was all. it was after midnight when he had finished. he got up from his armchair, unbolted the french windows, and stepped out on to the little paved terrace. the night was quiet and clear. mr. hutton looked at the stars and at the holes between them, dropped his eyes to the dim lawns and hueless flowers of the garden, and let them wander over the farther landscape, black and grey under the moon.
he began to think with a kind of confused violence. there were the stars, there was milton. a man can be somehow the peer of stars and night. greatness, nobility. but is there seriously a difference between the noble and the ignoble? milton, the stars, death, and himself—himself. the soul, the body; the higher and the lower nature. perhaps there was something in it, after all. milton had a god on his side and righteousness. what had he? nothing, nothing whatever. there were only doris's little breasts. what was the point of it all? milton, the stars, death, and emily in her grave, doris and himself—always himself....
oh, he was a futile and disgusting being. everything convinced him of it. it was a solemn moment. he spoke aloud: "i will, i will." the sound of his own voice in the darkness was appalling; it seemed to him that he had sworn that infernal oath which binds even the gods: "i will, i will." there had been new year's days and solemn anniversaries in the past, when he had felt the same contritions and recorded similar resolutions. they had all thinned away, these resolutions, like smoke, into nothingness. but this was a greater moment and he had pronounced a more fearful oath. in the future it was to be different. yes, he would live by reason, he would be industrious, he would curb his appetites, he would devote his life to some good purpose. it was resolved and it would be so.
in practice he saw himself spending his mornings in agricultural pursuits, riding round with the bailiff, seeing that his land was farmed in the best modern way—silos and artificial manures and continuous cropping, and all that. the remainder of the day should be devoted to serious study. there was that book he had been intending to write for so long—the effect of diseases on civilisation.
mr. hutton went to bed humble and contrite, but with a sense that grace had entered into him. he slept for seven and a half hours, and woke to find the sun brilliantly shining. the emotions of the evening before had been transformed by a good night's rest into his customary cheerfulness. it was not until a good many seconds after his return to conscious life that he remembered his resolution, his stygian oath. milton and death seemed somehow different in the sunlight. as for the stars, they were not there. but the resolutions were good; even in the daytime he could see that. he had his horse saddled after breakfast, and rode round the farm with the bailiff. after luncheon he read thucydides on the plague at athens. in the evening he made a few notes on malaria in southern italy. while he was undressing he remembered that there was a good anecdote in skelton's jest-book about the sweating sickness. he would have made a note of it if only he could have found a pencil.
on the sixth morning of his new life mr. hutton found among his correspondence an envelope addressed in that peculiarly vulgar handwriting which he knew to be doris's. he opened it, and began to read. she didn't know what to say; words were so inadequate. his wife dying like that, and so suddenly—it was too terrible. mr. hutton sighed, but his interest revived somewhat as he read on:
"death is so frightening, i never think of it when i can help it. but when something like this happens, or when i am feeling ill or depressed, then i can't help remembering it is there so close, and i think about all the wicked things i have done and about you and me, and i wonder what will happen, and i am so frightened. i am so lonely, teddy bear, and so unhappy, and i don't know what to do. i can't get rid of the idea of dying, i am so wretched and helpless without you. i didn't mean to write to you; i meant to wait till you were out of mourning and could come and see me again, but i was so lonely and miserable, teddy bear, i had to write. i couldn't help it. forgive me, i want you so much; i have nobody in the world but you. you are so good and gentle and understanding; there is nobody like you. i shall never forget how good and kind you have been to me, and you are so clever and know so much, i can t understand how you ever came to pay any attention to me, i am so dull and stupid, much less like me and love me, because you do love me a little, don't you, teddy bear?"
mr. hutton was touched with shame and remorse. to be thanked like this, worshipped for having seduced the girl—it was too much. it had just been a piece of imbecile wantonness. imbecile, idiotic: there was no other way to describe it. for, when all was said, he had derived very little pleasure from it. taking all things together, he had probably been more bored than amused. once upon a time he had believed himself to be a hedonist. but to be a hedonist implies a certain process of reasoning, a deliberate choice of known pleasures, a rejection of known pains. this had been done without reason, against it. for he knew beforehand—so well, so well—that there was no interest or pleasure to be derived from these wretched affairs. and yet each time the vague itch came upon him he succumbed, involving himself once more in the old stupidity. there had been maggie, his wife's maid, and edith, the girl on the farm, and mrs. pringle, and the waitress in london, and others—there seemed to be dozens of them. it had all been so stale and boring. he knew it would be; he always knew. and yet, and yet.... experience doesn't teach.
poor little doris! he would write to her kindly, comfortingly, but he wouldn't see her again. a servant came to tell him that his horse was saddled and waiting. he mounted and rode off. that morning the old bailiff was more irritating than usual.
five days later doris and mr. hutton ware sitting together on the pier at southend; doris, in white muslin with pink garnishings, radiated happiness; mr. hutton, legs outstretched and chair tilted, had pushed the panama back from his forehead, and was trying to feel like a tripper. that night, when doris was asleep, breathing and warm by his side, he recaptured, in this moment of darkness and physical fatigue, the rather cosmic emotion which had possessed him that evening, not a fortnight ago, when he had made his great resolution. and so his solemn oath had already gone the way of so many other resolutions. unreason had triumphed; at the first itch of desire he had given way. he was hopeless, hopeless.
for a long time he lay with closed eyes, ruminating his humiliation. the girl stirred in her sleep, mr. hutton turned over and looked in her direction. enough faint light crept in between the half-drawn curtains to show her bare arm and shoulder, her neck, and the dark tangle of hair on the pillow. she was beautiful, desirable. why did he lie there moaning over his sins? what did it matter? if he were hopeless, then so be it; he would make the best of his hopelessness. a glorious sense of irresponsibility suddenly filled him. he was free, magnificently free. in a kind of exaltation he drew the girl towards him. she woke, bewildered, almost frightened under his rough kisses.
the storm of his desire subsided into a kind of serene merriment. the whole atmosphere seemed to be quivering with enormous silent laughter.
"could anyone love you as much as i do, teddy bear?" the question came faintly from distant worlds of love.
"i think i know somebody who does," mr. hutton replied. the submarine laughter was swelling, rising, ready to break the surface of silence and resound.
"who? tell me. what do you mean?" the voice had come very close; charged with suspicion, anguish, indignation, it belonged to this immediate world.
"a—ah!"
"who?"
"you'll never guess." mr. hutton kept up the joke until it began to grow tedious, and then pronounced the name "janet spence."
doris was incredulous. "miss spence of the manor? that old woman?" it was too ridiculous. mr. hutton laughed too.
"but it's quite true," he said. "she adores me." oh, the vast joke. he would go and see her as soon as he returned—see and conquer. "i believe she wants to marry me," he added.
"but you wouldn't ... you don't intend...."
the air was fairly crepitating with humour. mr. hutton laughed aloud. "i intend to marry you," he said. it seemed to him the best joke he had ever made in his life.
when mr. hutton left southend he was once more a married man. it was agreed that, for the time being, the fact should be kept secret. in the autumn they would go abroad together, and the world should be informed. meanwhile he was to go back to his own house and doris to hers.
the day after his return he walked over in the afternoon to see miss spence. she received him with the old gioconda.
"i was expecting you to come."
"i couldn't keep away," mr. hutton gallantly replied.
they sat in the summer-house. it was a pleasant place—a little old stucco temple bowered among dense bushes of evergreen. miss spence had left her mark on it by hanging up over the seat a blue-and-white della robbia plaque.
"i am thinking of going to italy this autumn," said mr. hutton. he felt like a ginger-beer bottle, ready to pop with bubbling humorous excitement.
"italy...." miss spence closed her eyes ecstatically. "i feel drawn there too."
"why not let yourself be drawn?"
"i don't know. one somehow hasn't the energy and initiative to set out alone."
"alone...." ah, sound of guitars and throaty singing. "yes, travelling alone isn't much fun."
miss spence lay back in her chair without speaking. her eyes were still closed. mr. hutton stroked his moustache. the silence prolonged itself for what seemed a very long time.
pressed to stay to dinner, mr. hutton did not refuse. the fun had hardly started. the table was laid in the loggia. through its arches they looked out on to the sloping garden, to the valley below and the farther hills. light ebbed away; the heat and silence were oppressive. a huge cloud was mounting up the sky, and there were distant breathings of thunder. the thunder drew nearer, a wind began to blow, and the first drops of rain fell. the table was cleared. miss spence and mr. hutton sat on in the growing darkness.
miss spence broke a long silence by saying meditatively.
"i think everyone has a right to a certain amount of happiness, don't you?"
"most certainly." but what was she leading up to? nobody makes generalisations about life unless they mean to talk about themselves. happiness: he looked back on his own life, and saw a cheerful, placid existence disturbed by no great griefs or discomforts or alarms. he had always had money and freedom; he had been able to do very much as he wanted. yes, he supposed he had been happy—happier than most men. and now he was not merely happy; he had discovered in irresponsibility the secret of gaiety. he was about to say something about his happiness when miss spence went on speaking.
"people like you and me have a right to be happy some time in our lives."
"me?" said mr. hutton surprised.
"poor henry! fate hasn't treated either of us very well."
"oh, well, it might have treated me worse."
"you re being cheerful. that's brave of you. but don't think i can't see behind the mask."
miss spence spoke louder and louder as the rain came down more and more heavily. periodically the thunder cut across her utterances. she talked on, shouting against the noise.
"i have understood you so well and for so long."
a flash revealed her, aimed and intent, leaning towards him. her eyes were two profound and menacing gun-barrels. the darkness re-engulfed her.
"you were a lonely soul seeking a companion soul. i could sympathise with you in your solitude. your marriage ..."
the thunder cut short the sentence. miss spence's voice became audible once more with the words:
"... could offer no companionship to a man of your stamp. you needed a soul mate."
a soul mate—he! a soul mate. it was incredibly fantastic. georgette leblanc, the ex-soul mate of maurice maeterlinck. he had seen that in the paper a few days ago. so it was thus that janet spence had painted him in her imagination—a soul-mater. and for doris he was a picture of goodness and the cleverest man in the world. and actually, really, he was what?—who knows?
"my heart went out to you. i could understand; i was lonely, too." miss spence laid her hand on his knee. "you were so patient." another flash. she was still aimed, dangerously. "you never complained. but i could guess—i could guess."
"how wonderful of you!" so he was an ame incomprise.
"only a woman's intuition...."
the thunder crashed and rumbled, died away, and only the sound of the ram was left. the thunder was his laughter, magnified, externalised. flash and crash, there it was again, right on top of them.
"don't you feel that you have within you something that is akin to this storm?" he could imagine her leaning forward as she uttered the words. "passion makes one the equal of the elements."
what was his gambit now? why, obviously, he should have said "yes," and ventured on some unequivocal gesture. but mr. hutton suddenly took fright. the ginger beer in him had gone flat. the woman was serious—terribly serious. he was appalled.
passion? "no," he desperately answered. "i am without passion."
but his remark was either unheard or unheeded, for miss spence went on with a growing exaltation, speaking so rapidly, however, and in such a burningly intimate whisper that mr. hutton found it very difficult to distinguish what she was saying. she was telling him, as far as he could make out, the story of her life. the lightning was less frequent now, and there were long intervals of darkness. but at each flash he saw her still aiming towards him, still yearning forward with a terrifying intensity. darkness, the rain, and then flash! her face was there, close at hand. a pale mask, greenish white; the large eyes, the narrow barrel of the mouth, the heavy eyebrows. agrippina, or wasn't it rather—yes, wasn't it rather george robey?
he began devising absurd plans for escaping. he might suddenly jump up, pretending he had seen a burglar—stop thief, stop thief!—and dash off into the night in pursuit. or should he say that he felt faint, a heart attack? or that he had seen, a ghost—emily's ghost—in the garden? absorbed in his childish plotting, he had ceased to pay any attention to miss spence's words. the spasmodic clutching of her hand recalled his thoughts.
"i honoured you for that, henry," she was saying.
honoured him for what?
"marriage is a sacred tie, and your respect for it, even when the marriage was, as it was in your case, an unhappy one, made me respect you and admire you, and—shall i dare say the word?—"
oh, the burglar, the ghost in the garden! but it was too late.
"... yes, love you, henry, all the more. but we're free now, henry."
free? there was a movement in the dark, and she was kneeling on the floor by his chair.
"oh, henry, henry, i have been unhappy too."
her arms embraced him, and by the shaking of her body he could feel that she was sobbing. she might have been a suppliant crying for mercy.
"you mustn't, janet," he protested. those tears were terrible, terrible. "not now, not now! you must be calm; you must go to bed." he patted her shoulder, then got up, disengaging himself from her embrace. he left her still crouching on the floor beside the chair on which he had been sitting.
groping his way into the hall, and without waiting to look for his hat, he went out of the house, taking infinite pains to close the front door noiselessly behind him. the clouds had blown over, and the moon was shining from a clear sky. there were puddles all along the road, and a noise of running water rose from the gutters and ditches. mr. hutton splashed along, not caring if he got wet.
how heartrendingly she had sobbed! with the emotions of pity and remorse that the recollection evoked in him there was a certain resentment: why couldn't she have played the game that he was playing the heartless, amusing game? yes, but he had known all the time that she wouldn't, she couldn't play that game; he had known and persisted.
what had she said about passion and the elements? something absurdly stale, but true, true. there she was, a cloud black bosomed and charged with thunder, and he, like some absurd little benjamin franklin, had sent up a kite into the heart of the menace. now he was complaining that his toy had drawn the lightning.
she was probably still kneeling by that chair in the loggia, crying.
but why hadn't he been able to keep up the game? why had his irresponsibility deserted him, leaving him suddenly sober in a cold world? there were no answers to any of his questions. one idea burned steady and luminous in his mind—the idea of flight. he must get away at once.
