and yet i must tell it, though the telling consume me like a flame. i saw a bed and veronika lying on it, face downward. she was dressed in her customary black gown. i supposed she was asleep. i supposed she was asleep, for one short moment. that was the last moment of my life. for then the truth burst upon me, fell upon me like a shaft from out the skies and hurled me into hell. i saw—not that she was dead only. if she had only died it would be different. i saw—merciful god!—i saw that she was murdered.
oh, of course i would not, could not, believe it. of course it was a dream, a nightmare, an hallucination, from which i should presently awake. of course the thing was impossible, could not be. of course i flung myself upon the bed at her side and crushed her between my arms and covered her with kisses and called and cried to her to move, to speak, to come back to life. and although her hands were icy cold and her body rigid and her face as white as marble, and although—ah, no! i may leave out the horrible detail—still i could not believe. i could not believe—yet how could i deny? there she lay, my sweetheart, my promised bride, deaf to my voice, blind to my presence, unmoved by my despair, beyond the reach of my strongest love, never to care for me again—veronika, my tender, sad veronika—oh, she lay there, dead, murdered! and still, with the knife-hilt staring at me like the face of satan, still i could not believe. it was the fact, the unalterable fact, the fact that extinguished the light of the sun and stars and flooded the universe with blackness: and still, in spite of it, i called to her and crushed her in my embrace and kissed her and caressed her and was sure it could not be true. and meantime people came and filled the room.
i did not see the people. only in a vague way i knew that they were there, heard the murmur of their voices, as if they were a long distance off. i had no senses left. i could neither see nor hear distinctly. my eyes were burned by a fierce red fire. my ears were full of the uproar of a thousand devils. but i knew that people had intruded upon us. i knew that i hated them because they would not leave us two alone. i remember i rose and faced them and cursed them and told them to be gone. and then i took her in my arms again and pressed her hard to me and forgot every thing but that she would not answer.
gradually, however, nature was coming to my rescue. gradually i seemed to be sinking into a stupor—had no sensation left except a numb, bruised feeling from head to foot—forgot what the matter was, forgot even veronika, simply existed in a state of half conscious wretchedness. the first frenzy of grief had spent itself. the very immensity of the pain i had suffered acted as an opiate, exhausted and rendered me insensible. i heard the voices of the people as a soldier who is wounded may still hear something of the din of battle.
i don’t know how long i had lain thus when i became aware that a hand was placed upon my shoulder. some one shook me roughly and said, “get up and come away.” passively, i obeyed. “sit down,” said the same person, pushing me into a chair. i sat down and relapsed into my stupor.
again i don’t know how long it was before they disturbed me for a second time. two or three men were standing in front of me. one of them was in uniform. slowly i recognized that he was an officer, a captain of police. he spoke. i heard what he said without understanding, as one who is half asleep hears what is said at his bedside. this much only i gathered, that he wanted me to go with him somewhere. i was too much dazed to care what i did or what was done with me. he took my arm and led me away. he led me into the street. there was a a great crowd. i shut my eyes and tottered along at his side. we entered a house. somebody asked me a lot of questions—my name and where i lived and so forth—to which my lips framed mechanical answers. i can remember nothing more.
when consciousness revived i was made to understand that i had fainted.
“but where am i? what has happened?” i asked, trying to remember.
the police-captain explained. “mr. neuman,” he said, “i have made all the inquiry that is as yet possible, and the result is that i deem it my duty to take you in custody. i prefer no charge, but i believe i am bound to hold you for the inquest. the hour of your leaving her last night, the time that miss pathzuol has apparently been dead, and the fact that you were the last person known to have been in her company, make it incumbent upon me to place you under arrest.”
i pondered his words. every thing came back. i was accused, or at least suspected, of having murdered veronika—i!
i felt no emotion. i was stunned as yet, like a man who has received a blow between the eyes. my brain had turned to stone. i repeated over to myself all that the captain had said. the words wrought no effect. i did not even experience pain as i thought of her. she is dead? i queried. they were three vapid syllables. my senses i had recovered—i could see and hear plainly now—could remember the events of the morning in detail and in their correct order. but somehow i had lost all capacity for feeling.
