he had searched the farmhouse, calling her name softly. he had peered into the lumber-room, where shadows were gathering. he had looked everywhere indoors. now he stepped into the orchard and called more loudly, “desire. desire. princess.”
leaves shuddered. across moss-grown paths slugs crawled. everything betokened rain; all live things were hurrying for shelter. behind high red walls, where peach-trees hung crucified, the end of day smoldered. the west was a vivid saffron. to the southward black clouds wheeled like vultures. the beauty of the garden shone intense. the greenness of apple-trees had deepened. nasturtiums blazed like fire in the borders of box. the air was full of poignant fragrances: of lavender, of roses, and of cool, dean earth.
to-morrow night all that he was at present feeling would have become a memory. he called her name again and renewed his search. to-morrow night would she, too, have become a memory? how loud the whisper of his footsteps sounded i and if she had become a memory, would she forget—would the future prove faithless to the past?
the garden would not remember. the brook would babble no less contentedly because he was gone. all these flowers which shone so bravely—within a week they, too, would have vanished. the birds in the early morning would scarcely notice his absence. in the autumn they would fly away; in the spring, when they returned, they would think no more of the boy who had parted the leaves so gently that a little girl might peep into their nests. and would the little girl remember? even now, when he called, she did not answer.
in an angle of the garden, most remote from the farmhouse, he espied her. something in her attitude made him halt her head was thrown back; she was staring into a chestnut which tumbled its boughs across the wall. her lips were moving. she seemed to be, talking; nothing reached him of what was said. at first he supposed she was acting a conversation.
“desire,” he shouted. “princess.”
she glanced across her shoulder and distinctly gave a warning. the chestnut quivered. he was certain some one was climbing down. she kissed her hand. the bough was still trembling when he reached her.
“who was it?”
she pressed a finger to her lips.
“was it ruddy? but it couldn’t have been ruddy unless——”
beyond the wall he heard the sound of footsteps. they were stealing away through grass.
when he turned to her, she was smiling with mysterious tenderness.
“who was it?”
she slipped her hand into his. “i am fond of you, dear teddy, but i mustn’t, mustn’t tell.”
they walked in silence. rain began to patter. they could hear it hiss as it splashed against the sunset.
“best be getting indoors,” he said.
in the lumber-room, where so many happy hours had been spent, they sat with their faces pressed against the window.
“do you want to play?”
he shook his head.
“you’re not sulky with me, teddy, are you? it would be unkind if you were. i’m so happy.” she flung her arms about his neck, coaxing him to look at her. “what shall i do to make you glad? shall i make the babies come into my eyes?”
he brushed his face against her carls. “it isn’t that. it’s not that i’m sulky.” her hands fluttered to his lips that he might kiss them. “it’s—it’s only that i want you, and i’m afraid i may lose you.”
she laughed softly. “but i wouldn’t lose you. i wouldn’t let anybody, not even my beautiful mother, make me lose you. i would worry and worry and worry, till she brought me back.” she lowered her face and looked up at him slantingly. “i can make people do most anything when i worry badly.”
he smiled at her exact self-knowledge. she knew that she was forgiven and wriggled into his arms. “why do you want me? i’m so little and not nice always.”
“i don’t know why i want you, unless——”
“unless?” she whispered.
“unless it’s because i’ve been always lonely.”
she frowned, so he hastened to add, “but i know i do want you.”
“when i’m a big lady do you think you’ll still want me?”
“ah!” he tried to imagine her as a big lady. “you’ll be proud then, i expect. i once knew a big lady and she wasn’t—wasn’t very kind. i think i like you little best.” outside it was growing dark. the rain beat against the window. the musty smell of old finery in boxes fitted with the melancholy of the sound.
“i’m glad you like me little best, because,” she drew her fingers down his cheek, “because, you see, i’m little now. but when i’m a big lady, i shall want you to like me best as i am then.”
he laughed. “i wonder whether you will—whether you’ll care.”
“you say all the wrong things.” she struggled to free herself. “you’re making me sad.”
“d’you know what you’ll be when you grow up?”
she ceased struggling; she was tremendously interested in herself.
“what?”
“a flirt.”
“what is a flirt?” she asked earnestly.
“a flirt’s a——” he puzzled to find words. “a flirt’s a very beautiful woman who makes every one love her especially, and loves nobody in particular herself.”
she clapped her hands. “oh, i hope i shall.”
outside her bedroom at parting she stopped laughing. “i am fond of you, dear teddy.”
“of course you are.”
she pouted. “oh, no, not of course. i’m not fond of everybody.”
he had set too low a value on her graciousness. he had often done it wilfully before for the fun of seeing her give herself airs. “i didn’t mean ‘of course’ like that,” he apologized; “i meant i didn’t doubt it.”
“but—but,” she sighed, “you don’t say the right things, teddy—no, never. you don’t understand.”
what did she want him to say, this little girl who was alternately a baby and a woman? when he had puzzled his brain and had failed to guess, he stooped to kiss her good-night she turned her face away petulantly; the next moment she had turned it back and was clinging to him desperately. “i don’t want to leave you. i don’t want to leave you.”
“you shan’t.” he had caught something of her passion. “mrs. sheerug has promised. she lives quite near our house, and you’ll be my little sister. you shall come and feed my pigeons, and see my father paint pictures. my mother’s called dearie—did i tell you that? don’t be frightened; i’ll lie awake all to-night in case you call.”
“no, sleep.” she drew her fingers down his face caressingly. “sleep for my sake, teddy.”
he tried to keep awake, but his eyes grew heavy. farmer joseph and mrs. sarie came creaking up the stairs. the house was left to shadows. several times he slipped from his bed and tiptoed to the door. more than once he fancied he heard sounds. they always stopped the second he stirred. the monotonous dripping of rain lulled him. it was like an army of footsteps which advanced and halted, advanced and halted. even through his sleep they followed.
it seemed the last notes of a dream. he sat up and rubbed his eyes. where was he? in his thoughts he had gone back years. he ought to have been in mrs. sheerug’s bedroom, with the harp standing thinly against the panes and the kettle purring on the fire. he was confused at finding that the room was different. while that voice sang on, he had no time for puzzling.
it came from outside in the darkness, where trees knelt beneath the sky like camels. sometimes it seemed very far away, and sometimes just beneath his window. it made him think of faeries dancing by moonlight it was like the golden hair of the princess lettice lowered from her casement to her lover. it was like the silver feet of laughter twinkling up a beanstalk ladder to the stars. it was like spread wings, swooping and drifting over a faery-land of castellated tree-tops. it grew infinitely distant. he strained his ears; it was almost lost it kept calling and calling to his heart.
something was moving. a shadow stole across his doorway. it was gone in an instant—gone so quickly that, between sleeping and waking, it might have been imagined. his heart was pounding.
in her room he saw the white blur of her bed. timid lest he should disturb her, he groped his hand across her pillow. it was still warm.
as he ran down the passage a cold draught met him. the door into the farmyard was open. he hesitated on the threshold, straining his eyes into the dusk of moonlight that leaked from under clouds. as he listened, he heard desire’s laugh, low and secret, and the whisper of departing footsteps. barefooted he followed. in the road, the horses’ beads turned towards the wood, a carriage was standing with its lamps extinguished. the door opened; there was the sound of people entering; then it slammed.
“desire! desire!”
the driver humped his shoulders, tugged at the reins, and lashed furiously; the horses leapt forward and broke into a gallop. from the window vashti leant out. a child’s hand fluttered. he ran on breathlessly.
under the roof of the woods all was blackness. the sounds of travel grew fainter. when he reached the meadows beyond, there was nothing but the mist of moonlight on still shadows—he heard nothing but the sullen weeping of rain-wet trees and grass. he threw himself down beside the road, clenching his hands and sobbing.
next day hal arrived to fetch him back to london. the wagonette was already standing at the door. he thought that he had said all his farewells, fixed everything indelibly on his memory, when he remembered the lumber-room. without explanation, he dashed into the house and climbed the stairs.
pushing open the door, he entered gently. it was here, if anywhere, that he might expect to find her—the last place in which they had been together. old’ finery, dragged from boxes by her hands, lay strewn about. the very sunshine, groping across the floor, seemed to be searching for her. he was going over to the place by the window where they had sat, when he halted, bending forward. scrawled dimly in the dust upon the panes, in childish writing, were the words, “i love you.” and again, lower down, “i love you.”
his heart gave a bound. that was what she had been trying to make him say last night, “i love you.” he hadn’t said it—hadn’t realized or thought it possible that two children could love like that. he knew now what she had meant, “you don’t say the right things, teddy—no, never. you don’t understand.” he knew now that from the first he had loved her; his boyish fear of ridicule had forbidden him to own it. there on the panes, like a message from the dead, soon to be overlaid with dust, was her confession.
voices called to him, bidding him hurry. footsteps were ascending. some one was coming along the passage. the writing was sacred. it was meant for his eyes alone. no one should see it but himself. he stooped his lips to the pane. when hal entered the writing had vanished.
“you—you played here,” he said. all day he had been white and silent “i’m sorry, but we really must be going now, old chap.”
on the stairs, where it was dark, he laid an arm on the boy’s shoulder.
“you got to be very fond of her? we were both fond of her and—and we’ve both lost her. i think i understand.”
