to a man who has never been in love the humble passion of his heart is to be allowed to love. he conjures visions of the woman who will call out his affection; he is always looking for her, seeing a face which seems the companion of his dreams, following, turning back disappointed and setting out afresh. when he does find her, his first feeling is one of overwhelming gratitude. his one idea is to give unstintingly, expecting nothing. he robes himself in a white unselfishness.
but the moment he has been allowed to love his attitude changes. he still wants to love, but he craves equally to be loved. he is no longer content to worship solitarily; he becomes sensitive to be worshiped in return. he is anxious to compete with the woman’s generosity. if she receives and does not give, he grows infidel like a devotee whose prayers god has not answered.
the right to clasp her without repulse, which the silver wood had granted him, had brought him to this second stage in his journey—the urgent longing to be loved. then, like a coarse cynicism, discovering in all love’s loyalties an unsuspected foulness, had come the scene which he had witnessed in her presence. it had struck the barbaric note, stripping of conventional pretenses the motives which underlie all passion. it had revealed to him the direction of impulses which he himself possessed. mr. dak was no worse than any other man, if only the other man were tantalized sufficiently. vashti had starved him too much and relied too much on his awe of her. she was a lion-tamer who had grown reckless through immunity; the beast had taken her unaware. probably mr. dak was as surprised as herself.
teddy understood now what horace had meant by calling her “a slave of freedom.” all this gayety which he had envied, which had made him wish that he was more of a sir launcelot and less of a king arthur—it was nothing but the excitement of skating over the treacherous thin ice of sex.
mr. dak was no worse than he might be if circumstances pushed him far enough. desire had told him as much: “all men are beasts, i expect.”
he felt hot with shame. he sympathized with her virginal anger. he, too, felt besmirched. but her words rankled; they had destroyed their common faith in each other. never again would he be able to approach her with his old simplicity. never again would he hear her whisper, “i feel so safe with you, meester deek.” how could she feel safe with him? all men were beasts. she classed him with the lowest any moment he might be swept out of caution into touching and caressing her. they would both remember the ugliness they had witnessed; she would flinch from him, and view him with suspicion. he would suspect himself. his very gentleness would seem to follow her panther-footed.
he returned to the brevoort, but not to sleep. as he tossed restlessly in the darkness, he could hear her words of dismissal. she spoke them sorrowfully with disillusion; she spoke them mockingly; she spoke them angrily, clenching her white virago fists. it was she who ought to have said, “thank god, there are good men.” her mother had said that she had said, “all men are beasts, i expect” in the saying of it, she had seemed to attribute to his courting the disarming smugness of a mr. dak. the silver wood with its magnanimity counted for nothing. whatever ideals he had built up for her were shattered by this haphazard brutality.
he shifted his head on the pillow. how did she look when she was tender and little? his last memory of her had blotted out all that. rising wearily, he switched on the light and commenced a search for the tin-type photograph. at last he found it. her features were undiscernible—faded into blackness.
sleep refused to come to him. he dressed and sat himself by the window. how quiet it was! night obliterates geography. the yards at the back of the hotel were merged into a garden—a garden like the one in eden row. he had only to half close his eyes to image it.
eden row set him remembering. the disgust with life that he was now feeling, had only one parallel in his experience—that, too, was concerned with her: the shock which her father’s confession had caused him on the train-journey back from ware. “if you’re ever tempted to do wrong, remember me. if you’re ever tempted to get love the wrong way, be strong enough to do without it” and then, “i sinned once—a long while ago. i’m still paying for it you’re paying for it one day desire may have to pay the biggest price of any of us.”
she was paying for it now when she could see no difference between his love and mr. dak’s—between honor and mere passion. “all men are beasts, i expect.” that was the conclusion at which she had arrived. she was incapable of high beliefs at twenty!
he recalled what the knowledge of hal’s sin had done for him. perhaps it had done the same for her. it had made him see sin everywhere; marriage itself had seemed impurity—all things had been polluted until into the dusk of the studio his mother had entered. he could hear himself whispering, “things like that make a boy frightened, mother, when—when they’re first told to him.” it was after that that he had determined to make desire in his life what the holy grail had been in sir galahad’s.
would the consequences of this wrong, more than twenty years old, never end? ever since he had begun to think, it had striven to uproot his idealism. yet once, in the little moment of selfishness, it must have been ecstatic.
he had been thinking only of himself. in a great wave of compassion his thoughts swept back to her. she had had to live in the knowledge of this sin always. for her there had been no escape from it—no people like his mother and father to set her other standards of truer living. what was his penalty as compared with hers? what was the worth of his chivalry if it broke before the first shock of her injustice? he saw her again as a little girl, inquiring what it was like to have a father. there must have been a day in her waking womanhood when the knowledge that all children are not fatherless had dawned on her. perhaps it had been explained to her coarsely by a servant or by the cruel ostracism of school-children. he could imagine the shame and tears that had followed, and then the hardening.
if she would only allow herself to understand what it was that he was offering! he longed to take her in his arms—not the way he had; but as he would cuddle a sick child against his breast to give it comfort. his compassion for her was almost womanly; it was something that he dared not tell her. compassion from him was the emotion which she would most resent.
it was her pride that made her so poignantly tragic—her pose of being an enviable person. there was no getting behind it except by a brutal statement of facts. the scene which they had surprised in the apartment had staged those facts with ugly vividness. despite the gayety with which she drugged herself, she must know that her mother’s position made her fair game for the world’s mr. daks. her way of speaking of her as “my beautiful mother” was an acknowledgment, and sounded like a defense.
her fear of losing her maiden liberty, her dread of the natural responsibilities of marriage, her eagerness to believe the worst of men, her light friendships, her vague, continually postponed ambitions—they were all part of the price she was paying. her glory in her questionable enfranchisement was the worst part of her penalty; it made what was sad seem romantic, and kept her blind to the better things in the world. she did not want to be rescued from the dangers of her position. she ignored any sacrifice that he might be making and spoke only of the curtailments that love would bring to her. in putting forward her unattempted career as an obstacle, she did not recognize that his accomplished career was in jeopardy while she dallied.
increasingly since he had landed in new york, his financial outlook had worried him. at the time of sailing he had had seven hundred pounds in the bank; then there were the three hundred pounds per annum from his beauty incorporated shares. this, in addition to what he could earn, had looked like affluence by eden row standards. but in the last few months he had been spending recklessly. the frenzy which held him prevented work. commissions from magazines were still uncompleted. his american and english publishers were urging him to let them have a second manuscript. he assured them they should have it, but the manuscript was scarcely commenced. the dread weighed upon him like a nightmare that he had lost his creative faculty. his intellect was paralyzed; he had only one object in living—to win her.
and when he had won her, at the rate at which he was now going, marriage might be impossible. already he had drawn on his english savings. after accustoming her to a false scale of expenditure, he could scarcely urge retrenchment it would seem to prove all her assertions of the dullness which overtakes a woman when she has placed herself absolutely in a man’s power. at this stage there was no chance of curtailing his generosity. so long as they were both in new york the endless round of theatres, taxis and restaurants must continue. he could not confess to her how it was draining his resources. it would seem like accusing her of avarice and himself of poverty. poverty and the loss of beauty were the two calamities which filled her heart with the wildest panic.
like a thunderstorm that had spent itself, the clamor of argument died down. it left him with a lucid quietness. again she lay hushed in his embrace; her lips shuddered beneath his pressure. that moment of dearness, more than any ceremony of god or man, had bound him to her. it had made him sure of subtle shades of fineness in her character which she refused to reveal to him yet his love should outlast her wilfulness. he would wait for years, but he would win her. the day would come when she would awake to her need of him. meanwhile he would make himself a habit—what the landscape was to the old man at baveno—adding link upon link to her chain of memories, so that in every day when she looked back, there would be some kindness to remind her of him.
a thought occurred. he would put his chances to the test. he fetched a pack of cards from his trunk and drew up to the desk. having shuffled them, he spread them out face-downwards. if he picked a heart, he would many her within the year. when he found with a thrill of dismay that it was a spade, he changed his bargain and agreed to give himself three chances. the next two were hearts. that encouraged him. he played on for hours in the silent room—played feverishly, as though his soul depended on it he craved for certainty. when luck ran against him, he made his test more lenient till the odds were in his favor. whatever the cards said, he refused to take no for an answer. morning found him with the lights still burning, his shoulders crouched forward, his head pillowed on his arms.
all that day he waited to hear from her. he could not bring himself to telephone her. after what had happened, delicacy kept him from intruding. in the afternoon he sent her flowers to provide her with an excuse for calling him up. she let the excuse pass unnoticed. her strategic faculty for silence was again asserting itself. he lived over all the events of the previous day, marking them in sequence hour by hour, finding them doubly sweet in remembrance. the longest day of his life had ended by the time he crept to bed.
next morning he searched his mail for a letter from her. there was nothing. he was sitting in his room trying to work—it was about lunch-time—when the telephone tinkled.
“hulloa,” a voice said which he did not recognize, “are you mr. gurney, the great author?—well, something terrible’s happened; you’ve not spoken to your girl for more than twenty-four hours. it’s killing her.” a laugh followed and the voice changed to one he knew. “don’t you think i’m very gracious, after all your punishment?—where am i?—no, try another guess. you’re not very psychic or you’d know. i’m within—let me count—forty seconds of you. i’m here, in a booth of the brevoort, downstairs.—eh! what’s that?—will i stop to lunch with you? why, of course. that’s what i’ve come for.”
it was extraordinary how his world brightened. the ache had gone out of it finances, work, nothing mattered. the future withdrew its threat “i’m wearing my nell gwynn face,” she laughed as he took her hands. then they stood together silent, careless of strangers passing, smiling into each other’s eyes.
“you silly meester deek,” she whispered, “why did you keep away if you wanted me so badly?”
“because——” and there he ended. he couldn’t speak to her of the ugliness they had seen together; she looked so girlish and innocent and fresh. it was hateful that they should share such a memory.
“i’m not proud when i’ve done wrong,” she said. her eyes winked and twinkled beneath their lashes. “and it’s rather fun to have to ask forgiveness when you know you’ve been forgiven beforehand.”
he led her into the white room with its many mirrors. quickly forestalling the waiter, he helped her off with her furs and jacket. she glanced up at him as he did it. “rather mean of you to do the poor man out of that it’s about the nearest a waiter ever comes to romance.”
when he had taken his seat opposite to her, she questioned him, “why did you act so queerly?”
“queerly!”
“you know. after the night before last?”
he wished she would let him forget it “i thought you might not want me.”
“want you!” she reached across the table and touched his hand. “you do think unkind thoughts. if i did say something cruel, it wasn’t meant—not in my heart i’m afraid you think i’m fickle.”
he delayed her hand as she was withdrawing it “if i did, i shouldn’t love you the way i do, princess.”
a waiter intruded to take their order. it seemed to teddy that ever since long beach, waiters had been clearing away his tenderest passages as though it were as much a part of their duties as to change the courses.
when they were left alone, she brought matters to a head. “i suppose you got that strange notion because—because of what i said. poor king! he did make me angry, and yesterday he came to us so penitent and sorry. we had to forgive him.—you’re looking as though you thought we oughtn’t but it doesn’t do to be harsh. we all slip up sooner or later, and the day’s always coming when we’ll have to ask forgiveness ourselves.”
he stared at her in undisguised amazement was this merely carelessness or a charity so divine that it knew no bounds?
“oh, i know what you’re thinking,” she continued; “you’re thinking we’re lax. that’s what people thought about jesus when he talked to the woman of samaria. mr. dak’s quite a good little man, if he did make a mistake. he’s always been understanding until this happened.”
she described as a mistake something that had appealed to him as tragedy. had her innocence prevented her from guessing the truth? perhaps it was he who was distorting facts.
“you seem to be accusing me of self-righteousness when you speak of other people being understanding. i’m not self-righteous—really i’m not, desire—i do wish you’d believe that. can’t you see why i’m not so lenient as some of your friends? it’s because i’m so anxious to protect you. if people are too lenient, it’s usually because they don’t want to be criticized themselves. but when a man’s in love with a girl, he doesn’t like to see her doing things that he might encourage her to do if he didn’t respect her and if they were only out for a good time together.”
she had frowned while he was speaking. when he ended, she lifted her gray eyes. “i do understand. i think i understand much more than you’ve said. but please don’t judge me—that’s what i’m afraid of. i know i’m all wrong—wrong and stupid in so many directions.—i’ve only found out how wrong,” her voice dropped, “since i’ve known you.” he felt like weeping. he had judged her; in spite of his resolutions to let his love be blind, he had been judging her. every time he had judged her, her intuition had warned her. and there she sat abasing herself that she might treat him with kindness.
he became passionate in her defense. “you’re not wrong. i wouldn’t have anything, not a single thing in your life altered—nothing, desire, from—from the very first. you’re the dearest, sweetest——”
she pressed a finger to her lips and pointed to the mirror. he caught sight of his strained expression, and remembered they were in public.
while he recovered himself, she did the talking. “i’m not the dearest, sweetest anything; you don’t see straight. some day you’ll put on your spectacles. you’ll see too much that’s bad then. that’s what horace has done.—he sailed for england this morning.”
“what’s that? d’you mean he’s broken with——”
she nodded. “too bad, isn’t it? she didn’t much want him to come to america, but she’s fearfully cut up now he’s left she was counting on having such good times with him at christmas. he didn’t explain anything; he just went. and——” she made a pyramid of her hands over which she watched him. “d’you know, she owns up now that some day she might have married him.”
“but she never told him?”
desire looked away. “a girl never tells a man that till the last moment. he got huffy because she was cross with him for taking her to the country. he didn’t know that when a woman dares to be angry with a man, it’s quite often a sign that she’s in love with him.”
“is it?” he asked the question eagerly. desire had been cross; this might be the key to her conduct.
she caught his meaning and smiled mysteriously. “yes—quite often.” then, speaking slowly, “i guess most misunderstandings happen between men and women because they’re not honest with each other.”
the tension broke. “fancy calling you a man and me a woman,” she laughed. she bent forward across the table. “we both ought to be spanked—you most especially.”
“why me especially?”
“a little boy like you coming to a little girl like me and pretending to speak seriously of marriage.—but let’s be honest with each other always. do you promise?”
“i promise.”
“then, i’ll tell you something. i think it’s splendid of you to go on loving me when you know that i’m not loving you in return.”
“and i think it’s splendid of you to let me go on loving.”
“but do i?” she eyed him mockingly. then, with one of those sudden changes to wistfulness, “what horace has done has made me frightened. i’m afraid—and i’m only telling you because we’ve promised to be honest—i’m so afraid that you’ll leave me, and that then i may begin to care. but you’d never be unkind like that, would you?” his hand stole out and met hers in denial. they kept on assuring each other that, whatever had befallen other people’s happiness, theirs was unassailable.
they had dawdled through lunch. when at last they rose the room was nearly empty.
“what next?”
she clapped her hands. “i know. make this day different from all the others. let’s pretend.”
“pretend what?”
“you’ll see.”
on the avenue they hailed a hansom and drove the long length of new york, through the park to the eighties on the west side. then she told him: they were to examine apartments, pretending they wanted to rent one. wherever they saw a sign up they stopped the cabby and went in to make inquiries. sometimes she talked cockney. sometimes she was a little french girl, who had to have everything that the janitor said translated to her by teddy. she only once broke down—when the janitor, as ill-luck would have it, was a frenchman; then they beat an ignominious retreat, laughing and covered with confusion.
it was a very jolly game to play with a girl you loved—this pretending that you were seeking a nest. it was all the jollier because she would not own that that was the underlying excitement of their pretense. as they passed from room to room, and when no one was looking, he would slip his arm about her and kiss her unwilling cheek. “wait till we’re in the hansom,” she would whisper. “oh, meester deek, you do embarrass me.”
try as he would, he could not disguise the fact that he was in love with her. a light shone in his eyes. this seemed no game, but a natural preliminary to something that must happen. she was indignant when the custodians of the apartments took it for granted that they were an engaged couple. she ungloved her hand that they might see for themselves that the ring was lacking. “it’s for my mother,” she explained. “yes, i like the apartment; but i can’t decide till my mother has seen it” she referred to teddy pointedly as “my friend.” the janitors looked knowing. they smiled sentimentally and put her conduct down to extreme bashfulness.
that afternoon was a sample of many that followed. in ingenious and unacknowledged ways they were continually playing this game that they were married. frequently it commenced with his presumption that she shared his purse, and that it was his right to give her presents. if a dress in a window caught her fancy, he would say, “how’d you like me to buy you that?”
“but you can’t. it isn’t done in the best families.”
“but i could if i were your husband.”
“if! ah, yes!”
then, for the fun of it, she would enter and try on the dress. once he surprised her. she had fitted on a green tweed suit-far more girlish than anything that she usually wore-and the shop-woman was appealing to him for his approval. when desire wasn’t looking, he nodded and paid for it in cash.
“very pretty,” desire said, not knowing it had been purchased, “but a little too expensive. thank you for your trouble.”
at dinner, long after the store had closed, he told her.
“but i can’t accept things from you like that. it’s very sweet of you, but the suit’ll go back to-morrow. even if i were willing, mother wouldn’t allow it.”
but vashti only smiled. she was giving him his chance. it pleased her to regard them as children.
“of course it isn’t the thing to do, but if it gives teddy pleasure——”
so when the suit came home it was not returned. when she met him in the day time she invariably wore it he knew that her motive was to make him happy. the little tweed suit gave him an absurd sense of warmth about the heart whenever he thought of it. it was another bond between them.
“i wonder whether my fattier was at all like you—whether he was always buying things for my beautiful mother. it is strange to have a father and to know so little of him. you’re the only person, meester deek, i ever talk to about him. that’s a compliment. d’you think——” she hesitated, “don’t you think some day you and i might bring them together?”
it became one of the secret dreams they shared. he told her about the letter he had written to hal and never sent.
“don’t you ever mention me to your father and mother?”
it was an awkward question.
“you don’t why not?”
he wasn’t sure why he didn’t he hadn’t dared to admit to himself why he didn’t. his world was out of focus. he supposed that every man’s world grew out of focus when he fell in love. but the supposition wasn’t quite satisfying; his conscience often gave him trouble.
“but why not?” she persisted. “are you ashamed of me?”
“ashamed of you!” he laughed desperately. “what is there to tell? if we were engaged———- but so long as we’re not, they wouldn’t understand. i’m waiting till i can tell them that.”
“i wish they knew,” she pouted. “i wish it wasn’t my fault that you were stopping in america. i wish so many things. i wouldn’t do a thing to prevent you if you wanted to sail to-morrow. you won’t ever blame me, will you?”
it always came back to that, her fear that he might accuse her of having led him on.
one day he made a discovery. he had gone to the apartment to call for her earlier than he was expected. she was out lying on the table under some needle-work was a book which he recognized. he picked it up; it was the copy of life till twenty-one which he had bought for her after the ride from glastonbury, the receipt of which she had never acknowledged. he had invented all manner of reasons for her silence: that she was annoyed with him for having written about her; that she didn’t take him seriously as an artist. on opening it he found that not only had it been read, but carefully annotated throughout. the passages which referred most explicitly to herself were underscored. against his more visionary flights she had set query marks. they winked at him humorously up and down the margins. they were like her voice, counseling with laughing petulance, “now, do be sensible.”
she came in with her arms full of parcels. he held the book up triumphantly. “i’m awfully-proud. you are a queer kiddy. why didn’t you tell me? i thought you didn’t care.”
her parcels scattered. she grabbed the book from him. “that’s cheating.” she flushed scarlet. “of course i care. what girl wouldn’t? but if i feel a thing deeply i don’t gush. i’m like that.”
“but you talk about fluffy’s work; you’re always diving through crowds to see if her picture isn’t on news-stands. you tell me what your friend, tom, is doing and—and heaps of people.”
“they’re different.”
“how?”
“if you don’t know, i can’t tel! you.”
“but i’m so proud of you, princess. i do wish that sometimes,” he tried to take her hand—she fortressed herself behind a chair, “that sometimes you’d show that you were a little proud of me.”
“oh, you!” she bit her finger the way she did when she suspected that he was going to try to kiss her mouth. her eyes danced and mocked him above her hand. “fancy poor little you wanting some one to be proud of you. meester deek, that does sound soft.”
“does it?” his voice trembled. “i don’t mind how foolish i am before you. but i do wish sometimes that you’d treat me as though i wasn’t different. you’ve only called me twice by my name. you won’t dance with me, though i learnt especially for you. you won’t do all kinds of ordinary things that you’re willing to do with people who don’t count.”
all the while that he had been speaking she had smiled at him, her finger still childishly in her mouth. when he had ended, she came from behind her chair and threw herself on the couch. “i have piped unto you and ye have not danced. is that it, meester deek? so now you’re weeping to see if i won’t mourn. i’m afraid i’m not the mourning sort; life’s too happy.—but i’m not nice to you. come and sit down. i’m afraid i’m least gracious to the people i like best. ask mother; she’ll tell you.”
just as he was about to accept her invitation, twinkles entered, her tail erect, and hopping on the couch, planted herself between them. she had the prim air of a dog who is the custodian of her mistress’s morals.
desire began to toy with the silky ears. “my little chaperone knows what’s best for me, i guess.—meester deek doesn’t love ’oo, twinkles. he thinks ’oo’s a very interfering little doggie.”
he did. despite his best efforts twinkles growled at him and refused to be friends. she was continually making his emotion ridiculous. she timed her absurdly sedate entrances for the moments when the cloud of his pent-up feelings was about to burst.
“love’s labor lost or divided by a dog.” desire glanced, through her lashes laughingly. “you could write a play on it twinkles and i could take the leading parts without rehearsing.”
after his discovery that she had read his book he began to try to interest her in his work—his contemplated work which was scarcely commenced while she kept him waiting. she seemed pleased when he placed his manuscripts in her lap. she loved to play the part of his severest critic, sweeping tempestuously aside all ideas that she pronounced unworthy of him.
the only side of his career in which she failed to show interest was the financial. the mere mention of money made her shrivel up. he had hoped that if he could persuade her to talk about it, he might be able to confess his straitened circumstances. he guessed the reason for her delicacy and respected it: concern on her part over his bank-account might make her look grasping. after each vain attempt to broach the subject, he would dodge back to cover as if he hadn’t meant it, and would commence to tell her hurriedly of his dreams of fame. while he did it, a comic little smile would keep tugging at the corners of her mouth.
“i don’t think you’re wasting time with me,” she said.
“i know i’m not.”
“but i meant something different. i meant that you’re learning about life; i’m making awfully good copy for you. one day, when i’m a famous actress and you’re married to some nice little woman who’s jealous of me, you’ll write a book—a most heart-rending book—that’ll make her still more jealous. it’ll be a kind of sequel to life till twenty-one, i guess. all experience, however much it costs, is valuable.—you’re laughing at me. but isn’t it?”
“you wise little person.”
“just common-sense—and not so terribly little, either,” she corrected.
many of these conversations took place towards midnight, after he had seen her home from dinners or theatres. usually they were carried on in whispers so as not to waken vashti, who left her bedroom door ajar when she knew that desire was to be late in returning. as a rule, desire was in evening-dress; he was sensitively conscious of her mist of hair, and of the long sweet slope of her white arms and shoulders. after taking twinkles for a final outing, he always accompanied her up to the apartment once she had had to press him to do so; now she often pretended that she had expected him to say good-night in the public foyer.
saying good-night was a lengthy process, packed with the day’s omitted tendernesses and made poignant by a touch of dread. after he had risen reluctantly from the couch, they would linger in the hall, lasting out the seconds. there were few words uttered. when a man has said, “i love you,” many times, there is no room for further eloquence. she would stand with her back against the wall, eyeing him luringly and a little compassionately. presently her hand would creep up to the latch and he would seize the opportunity to slip his arm about her. wouldn’t she appoint a place of meeting for to-morrow? she would shake her head and whisper evasively, “phone me in the morning.”
gazing at each other in quivering excitement, they would droop nearer together. she knew that soon he would draw her to his breast. at the first movement on his part she would turn the latch and her free hand would fly up to shield her mouth. he would attempt to coax it away with kisses.
“i’ve only kissed your lips once. and you’ve never kissed me yet. won’t you kiss me, desire?”
the tenacious little hand would remain obdurate. “meester deek, you mustn’t. the door’s open. if anybody saw us——”
if he tried to pull it away, she would call softly so that nobody could hear her, “help, meester deek is kissing me.” if he went on trying, she would gradually call louder.
by degrees she would get him to the elevator; but unless she rang the bell, he preferred to descend by the stairs for the joy of seeing her leaning over the rail and raining down kisses to him. the further he descended the more willing she seemed to be accessible. if he turned to go back to her, her face would vanish and he would hear her door shutting.
these farewells embodied for him the ghostly acme of romance. they were the balcony scene from romeo and juliet enacted on the stairway of a new york apartment-house. from such frail materials till the new day brought promise, he constructed the palace of his hopes and ecstasies. it was the ghost of happiness that he had found; happiness itself escaped him. he longed for her to love him.
