"i'm raging in my heart! i'm raging in my heart!" elsie said to herself. "it makes me gnash my teeth!" and she did gnash her teeth all alone in the steadily darkening shop. "i'm that ashamed!" she said out loud.
the origin of her expostulation was mr. earlforward's obstinacy. she was humiliated on his behalf by his stupidity, and on her own behalf by her failure to get him to the hospital. the incident would certainly become common knowledge, and ignominy would fall upon t. t. riceyman's. what preoccupied her was less the danger to her employer's health, and perhaps life, than the moral and social aspects of the matter. she would have liked to give her master a good shaking. she was losing her fear of the dread mr. earlforward; she was freely criticizing and condemning him, and, indeed, was almost ready to execute him—she who, under the continuous suggestion of mrs. earlforward, had hitherto fatalistically and uncritically accepted his decrees and decisions as the decrees and decisions of almighty god. he had argued with her; he had defended himself against her; he had shown tiny glimpses of an apprehension that she might somehow be capable of forcing him to go to the hospital against his will. he had lifted her to be nearly equal with him. the relations between them could never be the same again. elsie had a kind of intoxication.
"well, anyway, something's got to be done," she said, with a violent gesture.
she rushed for her tools and utensils, she found a rough apron and tied it tightly with a hard, viciously-[pg 245]drawn knot over her white one, and began to clean the shop. if seen by nobody else the shop was seen by her, and she could no longer stand the sight of its filth. she ranged about like a beast of prey. she picked up the letters from the floor and ran with them into the office and dashed them on to the desk. and at that moment a postman outside inconsiderately dropped several more letters through the flap. "of course you would!" elsie angrily protested, and picked them up and ran with them into the office and dashed them on to the desk.
"oh! this is no use!" she muttered, after a minute or so of sweeping in the gloom, and she turned on the electric lights. only two sound lamps were now left in the shop, and one in the office. she turned them all on—the one in the office from sheer naughtiness. "i'll see about his electric light!" she said to herself. "i'll burn his electric light for him—see if i don't!" she was punishing him as she cleaned the shop with an energy and a thoroughness unexampled in the annals of charing. this was the same woman who a short while ago had trembled because she had eaten a bit of raw bacon without authority. and when, having finished the shop, she assaulted the office, she drowned the floor in dust-laying water, and she rubbed his desk and especially his safe with a ferocity calculated to flay them. for there was not only his obstinacy and his stupidity—there was his brutality. "then more fool her!" he had exclaimed about his wife, soon to be martyrized by an "operation." and he had said nothing else.
then elsie began to think of dr. raste. of course, she had been mistaken about dr. raste. on the pavement in front of his house he had been very harsh, with his rules about what he ought to do and what he ought not to do. and before that, long before that, when he had given a careless look at her in the house in riceyman square upon the occasion of joe's attack on her—well, he hadn't seemed very human. a finicking sort of man—that was what she called him—stand-offish, stony. and[pg 246] yet he had got out of bed in the middle of the night for the old miser, and he must have known he could never screw much money out of him. and fancy the doctor coming with a taxi himself to take away the master! elsie had never heard of such a thing. and him taking the mistress instead! it was wonderful. and still more wonderful was the arrival of his little girl—a little queen she was, and knew her way about. and he'd arranged things at the hospital, too. (oh! as she reflected, her humiliation at the failure to "manage" mr. earlforward was intensified. she could scarcely bear to think of it.) no doubt at all she had been mistaken about dr. raste. joe had always praised dr. raste, and she had been putting joe down for a simpleton, as indeed he was; but in this matter joe had been right and she wrong. in repentance, or in penance, she extinguished the two lights in the shop, which she was not using; her mind worked in odd ways, but it had practical logic. the cleaning done, she doffed the rough apron.
she was somewhat out of breath, and she seated herself in the master's chair at his desk. an audacious proceeding, but who could say her nay? she looked startlingly out of place in the sacred chair as she gazed absently at the sacred desk. the mere fact that nobody could say her nay filled her with sadness. tragedy pressed down upon her. life was incomprehensible, and she saw no relief anywhere in the world. that man upstairs might be dying, probably was dying. and no one knew what was his disease, and no one could help him without his permission. he lay over the shop-ceiling there, and there was nothing to be done. as for mistress, the case of her mistress touched her even more closely. mistress was a woman, and she was a woman. she had known a dozen such cases. women fought their invisible enemy for a time. then they dropped, and they were swept off to a hospital, and the next thing you heard they were dead.... mrs. earlforward alone in a hospital—all rules and regulations! and her husband very ill in bed at home here! nobody to say a word to mrs.[pg 247] earlforward about home, and she fretting her heart away because of master, and the operation to-morrow morning and all! he was very ill, and people were often queer while they were ill. they weren't rightly responsible; you couldn't really blame them, could you? he must be terribly worried about everything. it was a pity he was obstinate, but there you were. elsie was overwhelmed with affliction, misery, anguish. her features were most painfully decomposed under the lamp.
but when mr. earlforward, answering her tap at the bedroom-door, roused himself to make a fresh and more desperate defence against a powerful antagonist who was determined to force him to act contrary to his inclination and his judgment, he saw, as soon as his eyes had recovered from the dazzle of the sudden light, a smiling, kind and acquiescent face. his relief was intense, and it flowered into gratitude. he thought: "she promised she would never desert me, and she won't." he was weak from his malady and from lack of nourishment; he was in pain; he had convinced himself that he was better, but he could not deny that he was still very ill—and elsie was all he had. she could make his existence heaven or hell; he perceived that she meant to make it as nearly heaven as she could. she was not going to bully him. she had no intention of disputing his decision about the hospital business. she had accepted her moral defeat, and accepted it without reserve and without ill will. she was bringing liquid food for him, in an attractive white basin. he had, as usual, little desire for food, but the sight of the basin and the gleaming spoon on the old lacquer tray tempted him, and he reflected that even an abortive attempt at a meal would provide a change in the awful monotony of his day. moreover, he wanted to oblige her.
as, angelically smiling, she walked round the bed to his side and stood close to him, a veil fell from his eyes, and for the first time he saw her, not as a charwoman turned servant, but as a girl charged with energetic life; and her benevolence had rendered her beautiful. he[pg 248] envied her healthy vigour. he relied on it. the moment was delicious in the silent and curst house.
"i'll try," he said pleasantly, raising his body up and gazing at her.
"why!" she exclaimed. "if you haven't been making your bed!"
no disapproval in her voice. no warning as to the evil consequences of this mad escapade of making his bed.
"any more letters?" he inquired, after he had swallowed a mouthful.
"i believe there was one," she answered vivaciously. "shall i run and get it for you?" down she ran and picked up a letter at random off the desk in the office. and she brought back also a sheet of notepaper and an envelope, a millboard portfolio and a pencil.
"what's all that?" he asked mildly, opening the letter.
"well, you want to write to missis, don't you?"
"um?" he murmured as he read the letter, affecting not to have heard her. he was ashamed and self-conscious because he had not himself had the idea of writing to violet.
"you'll be sending a note to missis at the hospital. it'll give her a good lift-up to hear from you."
"yes," he said. "i was going to write."
"here! i'll take that letter. you can do with some of this food. i shouldn't like you to let it get cold." she stayed near him and held a corner of the insecure tray firmly. "you can't take any more? all right."
she removed the tray, and replaced it by the portfolio which was to serve as a writing-desk on the bed. it was always marvellous to elsie to see the ease with which her master wrote. she admired. and she was almost happy because she had resolved to smile cheerfully and give in to him and do the best she could for him on his own lines and be an angel.
"shall i read you what i've written?" he suggested, with a sudden upward glance.
"oh, sir!"
the astounding, the incredible flattery overthrew her[pg 249] completely. he would read to her what he had written to the mistress, doubtless for her approval. she blushed.
"'my dear wife,—as you may guess, i am torn with anxiety about you. it was a severe shock when elsie told me the doctor had taken you off to the hospital without a moment's delay. however, i know you are very brave and have an excellent constitution, and i feel sure that before a week is out you will be feeling better than you have done for months. and, of course, the hospital is a very good one, one of the best in london, if not the best. it has been established for nearly eight hundred years. if it was only to be under the same roof as you i should have come to the hospital myself to-day, but i feel so much better that really it is not necessary, and i feel sure that if you were here to see me you would agree with me. there is the business to be thought of. i am glad to say that elsie is looking after me splendidly, but, of course, that does not surprise me. now, my dear violet, you must get better quickly for my sake as well as your own. be of good courage and do not worry about me. my little illness is nothing. it is your illness that has made me realize that.—your loving husband, h. earlforward.'"
he read the letter in a calm and even but weak voice, addressed the envelope, and then lay back on the pillows. (he was now—since he had made the bed—using violet's pillow as well as his own.) he did not finish his food. he left elsie to fold the letter, stick it in the envelope, and lick and fasten the envelope. she did these things with a sense of the honour bestowed upon her. it was a wonderful letter, and he had written it right off. no hesitation. and it was so nice and thoughtful; and how it explained everything. she had to believe for a moment that her master really was better. the expressions about herself touched her deeply, and yet somehow she would have preferred them not to be there. what touched her most, however, was the mere thought of the fact that once, and not so long ago either, her master had been a[pg 250] solitary single man, never troubling himself about women and no prospect of such; and here he was wrapped up in one, and everything so respectable and nice.... but he was very ill. his lips and cheeks were awful. elsie recalled vividly the full rich red lips he once had.
she had moved away from the bed, taking the basin and putting it on the chest of drawers. the contents of her master's pockets were on the chest of drawers, where he laid them every night, in order better to fold his carefully creased clothes.
"i do fancy i haven't got any money," she said diffidently, after a little while.
"why, it isn't your wages day—you don't mean?"
"oh, no, sir."
she had deposited nearly all her cash in the post office savings bank during her afternoon out, and the bit kept in hand had gone to pay for the unused taxi.
"why, elsie! you must be a rich woman," said mr. earlforward. "what with your wages and your pension!" he spoke without looking at her, in a rather dreamy tone, but certainly interested.
"well, sir," elsie replied, "it's like this. i give my pension to my mother. she's a widow, same as me, and she can't fend for herself."
"all of it? your mother?"
"yes, sir."
"how much is your pension?"
"twenty-eight shillings and elevenpence a week, sir."
"well, well." mr. earlforward said no more. he had often thought about her war pension, but never about any possible mother or other relative. he had never heard mention of her mother. he thought how odd it was that for years she had been giving away a whole pension and nobody knew about it in riceyman steps.
"could you let me have sixpence, sir?" elsie meekly asked, coming to the point of her remark concerning money.
"sixpence? what do you want sixpence for? you surely aren't thinking of buying food to-night!" mr.[pg 251] earlforward, who had been lying on his right side, turned with a nervous movement on to his back and frowned at elsie.
"i wanted it to give to mrs. perkins's boy in the square to take your letter down to missis at the hospital." in spite of herself she felt guilty of a betrayal of mr. earlforward's financial interests.
"what next?" he said firmly. "you must run down with it yourself. won't take you long. i shall be all right."
"i don't like leaving you, sir. that's all."
"you get off with it at once, my girl."
she was reduced to the servant again, she who had just been at the high level of a confidante. the invalid turned again to his right side and pushed his nose into the pillow, shutting his eyes to indicate that he had had enough of words and desired to sleep. his keys were on the chest of drawers and several other things, including three toothpicks, but not money. he seldom went to bed with money in his pockets.
elsie, with a swift gesture, silently picked up the bunch of keys and left the room, a criminal; she had no intention of taking the letter to the hospital herself. she went downstairs quite cheerful; she still felt happier because she had been smiling and benevolent and yielding after her mood of revolt, and because the letter to mrs. earlforward was her own idea. in the office she knelt in front of mr. earlforward's safe. no fear accompanied the sense of power which she felt. there was nobody to spy upon her, to order her to do one thing, to forbid her to do another. her omnipotence outside the bedroom could not be disputed.
although she was handling the bunch of keys for the first time, she knew at once which of the keys was the safe-key and how to open the safe, from having seen mr. earlforward open and close it. he would have been extremely startled to learn the extent of her knowledge, not only about the safe, but about many other private matters in the life of the household; for elsie, like most[pg 252] servants, was full of secret domestic information, unused, but ready at any time for use. she unlocked the safe and swung open the monumental door of it and pulled out a drawer—and drew back, alarmed, almost blinded. the drawer was full of gold coins—full! her domestic information had not comprised this dazzling hoard. in all her life elsie had scarcely ever seen a sovereign. years ago, in the early part of the war, she had seen a half-sovereign now and then. she shut the drawer quickly. then she looked round, scared of possible spies after all. she thought she could hear creepings on the stairs and stirrings in the black corners of the mysterious shop. not even when caught in the act of eating stolen raw bacon had she had such a terrifying sense of monstrous guilt. her impulse was to shut the safe, lock it, double-lock it, treble-lock it, and try to erase the golden vision utterly from her memory. she would not on any account have pulled out another drawer.
but, lying on the ledge above the nest of drawers, she saw a canvas bag. this bag was familiar to her; it held silver. she loosened its string and drew forth sixpence. then she rose, tore the wrapper off a circular among the correspondence on the table, wrote on the inside of the wrapper "6d.," and put it in the bag. such was her poor, her one feasible, inadequate precaution against the tremendous wrath to come. she had done a deed unspeakable, and she could perfectly imagine what the consequences of it might be.
she was still breathing rapidly when she unlocked the shop-door. rain was falling—rather heavy rain. securing the door again, she ran upstairs to get her umbrella, which lay under her bed wrapped in newspaper. she had to grope for it in the dark. roughly she tore off the newspaper. downstairs again she could not immediately find the door-key and decided to risk leaving the door unlocked. she would be back from the square in a minute, and nobody would dream of breaking in. she ran off and up the steps towards the square.
